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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24402259">South Park The Fractured But Whole: Mysterion and Alpha Wolf</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cookiegirl228/pseuds/Cookiegirl228'>Cookiegirl228</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>DovaKen South Park adventures [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>South Park</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Background Relationships, Hybrids, M/M, South Park: The Fractured But Whole, Stan/Kyle Kinda But not really, Theres only really one in this one, kinda sorta but not really</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 04:22:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>82,301</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24402259</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cookiegirl228/pseuds/Cookiegirl228</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Yet another story that I'm transferring over from Watt Pad, except this one is newer, longer, not as badly written, and its actually still ongoing, But not for much longer.</p><p>This is the Sequel to "South Park The Stick of Truth: The Princess and The Dragon Born"<br/>So Apparently the Boys are playing superheroes now and Dovahkiin- or I'm Sorry "Alpha Wolf" has unintentionally chosen the "Franchise" that's against his boyfriend Kenny, aka Mysterion. Well Fuck.<br/>Guess it's time to watch Dova struggle through the oddities of South Park once more as he deals with this bullshit war between one half of his friends and the other because Eric "The Coon" Cartman is a stupid asshole. WOO!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Craig Tucker/Tweek Tweak, Kenny McCormick/Dovahkiin, Kenny McCormick/New Kid | Douchebag, Kenny McCormick/Original Male Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>DovaKen South Park adventures [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1762174</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>45</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Becoming a Hero</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>I am currently in 7th grade. Now if you told me three years ago that my life in South Park would get even weirder, I would not be surprised. A lot of changes have happened here in South Park. Changes to both the people and the town itself.As for myself, I've still got some weird ass farts, I now have wolf ears and a tail 75% of the time, most of the town knows about my wolf abilities, and if I concentrate really hard I can turn into a wolf at will. Bad news is that I still lose control half the time when it's a full moon aka when I'm forced to transform. Luckily Kenny can usually get me under control.</p><p>I'm honestly still amazed that me and the guys convinced my parents to let us stay after... nevermind.</p><p>What I'd like to know now is where the hell the rest of my friends are, why the fuck did Craig and Tweek break up AGAIN, like seriously they just made up from the whole yaoi fight shit like a couple months ago, and why won't my boyfriend respond to my texts?</p><p>Well time to check with Cartman because he always seems to be behind most of these things. I walk over to Cartman's and there's a bunch of fucking red legos in front of the door. We're playing another dumb game again aren't we? And no one told me did they? God dammit. I vault my way over the fence to the backyard and walk through the back door. I mean there's not a base in the backyard so I'm not really sure where they are.</p><p>"Hey Mrs. Cartman." I greet her.</p><p>"Oh hello Dovahkiin, did you see the lava in front of the door? I'm not sure what to do about it." Lava, right got it.</p><p>"Um Mrs.Cartman, those are just LEGO bricks. I think the guys are just pretending that it's lava as a part of their game."</p><p>"Oh I see! Such clever Imaginations! Well the boys are downstairs in the basement if you'd like to join them but Eric has put a password on the door to keep me out so I'm not sure what it is."</p><p>Great fantastic, already have a fucking puzzle. "Alright thanks Mrs. Cartman." I then proceed to head up to Cartman's room in search of a password.Apparently his closet has become a time machine, yeah sure okay. I look around the room and eventually find a notebook. I open it up and I'm immediately disturbed by the weird ass drawings.</p><p>I eventually find the password and decide to pretend I never saw any of the other contents of the notebook. I then head back down stairs and enter in the numbers resulting in the code saying " Fuck You Mom." Wow Cartman. Just wow. I enter down stairs and see all the guys dressed in weird ass costumes. Once I've reached the bottom of the stairs I kinda just cross my arms and glare at them.</p><p>They all stare at me dumbstruck for a moment before Clyde speaks up. "I think I remembered what we were forgetting."</p><p>"No shit Moscato!" Cartman yells at him. Is he a raccoon? "So uh hey there Dovahkiin."</p><p>"Can someone please tell me what the fuck is going on?"</p><p>"We are p-playing super heroes." Jimmy informs me.</p><p>"Okay everyone go look for scrambles while I help Dovahkiin figure out his superhero stuff."</p><p>"Later Dova."</p><p>"See ya dude."</p><p>"Bye Dovahkiin"</p><p>"I will see you l-later Dov."</p><p>Once everyone has said their goodbyes, I turn to look to Cartman.</p><p>"Okay Dovahkiin, take a seat." He says gesturing to the seat on the end of the table closest to me.</p><p>"Alright so first things first, I am the amazing and mysterious Coon but you probably already knew that.Try not to be too impressed."</p><p>"Uh Huh sure." I reply with an eye roll.</p><p>"Right so, ordinarily you would need to choose your hero class and name but I feel like you are very obviously a form of brutalist considering you're wolf abilities. So instead we will just focus on what exactly your powers are and your hero name. Obviously costumes are also important but you're gonna be on your own for that. So names."</p><p>"Okay how about... Pack leader?"</p><p>"No no no that's stupid. Plus it makes you seem like the leader when obviously that is I."</p><p>Right cause the Coon isn't a dumb name. "Alright then what would you suggest? The Wolf?" I ask sarcastically. Please don't actually agree with that Cartman.</p><p>"No that is way too close to the Coon you copycat!" He yells at me. "I was thinking something like Buttlord to accommodate for your awesome farts and gayness as well."</p><p>"Oh no! No fucking way am I letting you call me fucking buttlord! We are NOT having the whole Douchebag situation repeat itself!" I yell at him.</p><p>"Alright! Alright!  You won't be ButtLord! Geeze. What do you want to be called then?"</p><p>I take a moment to think before deciding. "How about Alpha Wolf?"</p><p>"Alpha Wolf Huh? Not bad Dovahkiin not bad at all. Alright! Now let's talk about your back story?"</p><p>"Wasn't my backstory the entire stick of truth ordeal?"</p><p>"Do you wish for me to believe that you are billions of years old Dovahkiin? Though I suppose it would be rather fitting for you to be the ancestor of the Powerful Wolf King of Zaron."</p><p>"Okay???"</p><p>"Okay lets take you back to when you were a young child. You lay awake that night, just like many other nights. You couldn't sleep because you knew you weren't like the other kids. You walked to the mirror. You looked at your reflection, knowing that you were not an ordinary child. No you were the decedent of the All Mighty Wolf King of the ancient Land of Zaron and the beautiful Queen Kenny." I thought it was the Powerful Wolf king? Whatever it's Cartman he's inconsistent as hell anyways.</p><p>"Then, suddenly you hear a loud noise and your mother calling for help! You rush out of your room and into the hall only to be brought face to face with intruders out side of your parents' door! You had to stop them from hurting your parents! So for the first time you used your ancient power that derived from the ancient king in order to defeat them! Okay now since you're not an ordinary brutalist I'm gonna actually need you to help me out with what powers you'll be using against the intruders."</p><p>"So basically decide how far I'm willing to go with my wolf abilities? Okay."</p><p>"You unleashed your claws and responded to the intruder's mocking words with a- okay gimme something that will knock them back a bit"</p><p>"What about the super bark thing that I can do?"</p><p>"No no no that's too strong to be a normal attack, that can be your ultimate though. Hmm how about you latch onwith your claws and throw them to the ground."</p><p>Is he going to explain what the hell an ultimate is or is that later? Whatever he'll probably tell me later on in this supposed backstory. "Alright sounds good to me."</p><p>Cartman nods before clearing his throat and continuing, "You met the intruder's mocking words with a mighty HOUND POUND! Knocked back the intruder's head spun and he weakly retaliated. You had him on the ropes but then two more appeared from behind. So you turned around to face your new foes. Alright now do you want a special charge attack or just run into the enemy? The normal one sends them back a bit but Super Craig already kinda does the same thing."</p><p>"I could pounce. Maul them a bit and cause some bleeding instead of knock back maybe?"</p><p>"Yes yes I like your style, okay. You pounced onto one of the new intruder's and began scratching at his chest as you bit down onto his shoulder to keep him in place. The first intruder came back into the fray, boxing you in, right where they wanted you. Okay so the last attack let's say you launch yourself up with your farts and slam into the ground, grossing out your enemies and knocking them back yeah?"</p><p>"Or I can just jump and slam down. I'm not gonna be fart boy again Cartman."</p><p>"It's the Coon! And fine, you won't use your farts as attacks. Now where were we? Ah right, but it was you who had them, you jumped into the air, lifting your arms and slamming them down as you fell back down to the ground. As the two weaker intruders fled, the biggest and ugliest one moved in closer. Little did he know that with each hit he only unlocked what lied beneath. You used your ultimate and unleash an enraged superbark."</p><p>"Alright so Ultimate is the super powerful move that we can only use if we get beat up enough? Probably should've been able to figure that one out on my own."</p><p>"Yes, the ultimate is only unlocked once you or your companions have been pushed too far." "The Coon" elaborates. "Anyways now to finish up your backstory. You beat the thugs and all seemed to be ok but when you finally reached your parents' door, what you saw upon opening it changed your life and led you to fighting crime. You had been too late. Because when you opened that door you saw... your dad fuck your mom."</p><p>"OH MY GOD CARTMAN FOR FUCKS SAKE." I yell out slamming my head on the table and trying not to think back to the gnomes incident.</p><p>"I know! I know it's a pretty heavy backstory. You fight crime because you'll never forget the time you were too late. The time you saw your own father, the man you trusted, fuck your mom."</p><p>"No that's not- just AAAGH! Please Cartman for the love of god you're making me remember things that I've so desperately wanted to forget!" I say gagging a little. I'm going to be forever haunted by that day. I mean I'll basically be haunted by pretty much that entire first week in South Park but whatever.</p><p>"Right, Right sorry. Okay moving on! So you've got Coonstagram correct?"</p><p>"Yeah you guys forced me to download it the moment it was created." I say lifting my face up from the table in favor of glaring at the Coon.</p><p>"Good, good. Come here you're also gonna need to download the Character sheet app along with the costumes app and a few others." I reluctantly hand him my phone and let him download the apps onto it.</p><p>He hands it back to me and says, "Alright now go figure out your costume situation and then go help the others with whatever is keeping them from completing their missions."</p><p>"Alright sure." I leave Cartman's house with more questions than I went there with. And still several unanswered questions.</p><p>Like why were only half the guys there? Why exactly are we suddenly playing super heroes? And seriously where the fuck is my boyfriend? Please don't tell me there's another side to this thing again and Kenny is over there. Cause I swear to god I will switch sides the first chance that I get. Course Cartman doesn't need to know that.</p><p> </p><p>I enter my house and curl my nose at the scent of alcohol and weed. Ugh guess I'm not getting my parents' help with my costume. Whatever I'll just use my werewolf costume from Halloween and make some adjustments or some shit. I go upstairs and search through my closet. I put on the white long sleeved shirt that has random tuffs of hair on it along with the torn up flannel.I then slip on the fingerless paw gloves which are actually supposed to be grey cat paws but you know what they were the best we could find at the time. I also decide to humor Craig a bit by putting on the dog collar he gave me as a gag gift for my birthday. It even has fucking tags on it that say Wolf where the name should be. The back of it says "If lost return to Kenny McCormick" and then gives the address to Ken's house.</p><p>Once I've done that I get a call from Cartman telling me to go help Super Craig then Human Kite because apparently they are having some problems. Alright off to Craig's house.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Guinea Pigs and Cousins</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>_|_Craig's POV_|_</strong>
</p><p>I hear a knock at the door and stop my search for Stripe to open it. Upon seeing Dovahkiin standing out there in his werewolf costume and the collar I got him I can't help but laugh.</p><p>"Alright laugh it up the only reason I wore this stupid thing is so I wouldn't just be reusing my Halloween costume."</p><p>"I-I'm sorry I just never thought I'd ever get to see you wear it!" I say laughing more before regaining my composure. "Okay I'm good now. I take it the Coon sent you?"</p><p>"Yep. So what's the problem Super Craig? And did you really put that little effort into your costume? You could've at least worn a cape dude." He criticizes me.</p><p>"In my defense, it took me two hours to find tape that sticks to fabric. And haven't you seen The Incredibles dude? No capes! Capes bring you death." I respond.</p><p>"Whatever man. Seriously though what's up?"</p><p>"I can't find my guinea pig. I'm not playing until I find Stripe. You know he's not just a normal guinea pig dude."</p><p>"Oh yeah you bought him with Tweek didn't you?"</p><p>"Yeah and even though we broke up, he'll still bitch at me if I can't find him." I say sighing. I'm just gonna leave out the fact that Stripe is basically the last thing I have to remind me of Tweek that can actually provide comfort to me. I still don't know whether I should be more mad or sad but whatever mad is easier for me to do. "I bet Stripe is down in the basement again, come help me get him."</p><p>"I'm coming, I'm coming. Why exactly did you two break up again?"  He asks me for the hundredth time.</p><p>"Because he's dumb and decided to walk out on me." I respond. "I've told you this already haven't I?"</p><p>"Yeah and I still don't know what the fuck it means." Dova responds following me down to the basement.</p><p>We get down to the basement and I let Dovahkiin pass me on the stairs. "Use your nose to sniff him out and I'll make sure he doesn't try to escape." I say blocking the entry way.</p><p>"Alright but I don't think I'll be able to sniff him out."</p><p>"Why do you say that?"</p><p>"Cause your entire basement already smells like guinea pig and guinea pig shit and piss."</p><p>"It does not." I scoff.</p><p>"Well then I guess you've gone nose blind to it cause it definitely does. I'm stealing some of your Snap n Pops." Dovahkiin says grabbing them.</p><p>"Gee thanks. Oh shit there's Stripe. Up in the vents." I say, looking up at the sound of little paws.</p><p>"Oh yeah." Dov says looking up at the vent. He then looks down at the snap n pops in his hand then back to the vent.</p><p>"Dovahkiin I swear to god if you blow up my guinea pig-"</p><p>"I'm not gonna blow up your guinea pig chill." He then smirks at me and adds, "I'm gonna blow up your vent."He then throws the snap n pops at the vent and strip ends up clinging to the side.</p><p>"Dovahkiin!" I yell at him.</p><p>"What!? I didn't blow him up he just fell out! I am gonna hit him with them now though so get ready to catch." Before I can stop him he throws more of the snap n pops towards Stripe and he falls.</p><p>"Woah! There he goes. Fucking a lot of good that did." I glare at Dov.</p><p>"Hey I got him down didn't I? Anyways I think you're forgetting how indestructible Stripe is. I'm pretty sure any normal guinea pig would've at least been a little paralyzed from that fall." Dova defends himself.</p><p>"Whatever, now he's by the box of fireworks. Do not blow up the-"</p><p>
  <strong>*BREE SCREE*</strong>
</p><p>"Dovahkiin!"</p><p>"Sorry I couldn't hear you over the fireworks." He sticks his tongue out at me.</p><p>"You are so fucking childish. Why is Kenny still dating you?"</p><p>"Cause he's childish too. We are children after all."</p><p>"Whatever. Now Stripe went that way. Move the thing."</p><p>"I'll move the thing an- oh for the love of - Why are you so fucking fast!?" Dovahkiin growls upon failing to grab him.</p><p>"Dunno but now he's in the vent that's basically impossible to get off. Believe me my dad's tried. We have no idea how Stripe 2 even bent it in the first place but we've never been able to fix it. You have that shrinking shit on you by any chance?"</p><p>"Nope that stuff is lost in my closet somewhere."</p><p>"Alright just fucking gas him out then." I say plugging my nose.</p><p>"Ugh fine." Dovahkiin then farts in the vent, causing Stripe to stumble out like he's drunk. I then pick him up and pet him as an apology for putting him through all that.</p><p>I set Stripe down in his pen and turn to Dova. "Thanks for helping me out dude. I'll help you out whenever you're in battle." I say fist bumping him.</p><p>"No problem, I'm gonna go see what Kyle needs help with now."</p><p>"Alright see ya Wolf boy.</p><p>"My super hero name is Alpha Wolf, Super Dick."</p><p>"Right, Bye Mutt Butt!"</p><p>"Don't you dare say that fucking name in front of Cartman! He's already tried to name me Buttlord!" I just laugh at the retreating form of my wolfie buddy. I then turn back to Stripe to pet him some more. I should probably keep the whole Freedom Pals thing a secret from him as long as possible if I want him to stick with Coon and Friends. He'll be pissed when he finds out he'll have to fight his boyfriend. Hopefully Kenny won't dump him like my asshole ex did. I let out a sigh and get back to my mission.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>So Mr. Tucker has requested that I collect Yaoi pictures of Craig and Tweek even though the two have broken up. He also said that if I found some of myself and Kenny that'd also be cool. I like how he's gone from being against having a gay son to a Yaoi art collector in less than two months.</p><p>Craig and Tweek went back and forth on Coonstagram for a bit. To be fair Craig did kinda call him out, denied that he called him out and then told Tweek to get off his posts. What it is he called Tweek out on I'm honestly not completely sure and I am still trying to figure out what exactly is going on. Like what does he mean he walked out on him? Like did he walk out during a date? That doesn't really seem like something worth dumping anyone over unless it was multiple times in a row but even then some times it's just unavoidable.</p><p>Whatever. I ignore the Freshmen, who have only gotten worse as they age, and make my way towards Kyle's house. On my way there Randy asked me to keep an eye out for whoever is keying his wife's car. Not sure why he thinks I'm gonna be out late at night but something tells me I probably will be. But again, don't know why he'd know that. I knock on Kyle's door and he lets out a snort at the sight of the collar. Okay maybe it was a bad idea to wear that.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> Though I don't think he really has a right to ask with his shitty costume. Seriously, what the fuck is he wearing? Better than Craig's I guess but still.</span></p><p>"Are you actually wearing that stupid dog collar on your own free will dude?"</p><p>"Yes and I'm already regretting it. Anyways what's the problem?"</p><p>"A few days ago there was an anomaly in the universe. Another version of me- the Human Kite from an alternate dimension showed up here and is destroying everything. Right now it's upstairs in my room. I'm not sure anything can stop it" Kyle explains, leading me inside and to the bottom of the stairs.</p><p>"Right so can you explain all of that again but in English?" I ask not fully getting what he's talking about. Ok no, I don't know what he's talking about at all.</p><p>"Just go up stairs and see for yourself." Kyle responds. I go up stairs and stop outside his bedroom door. "Alright he's behind here. I can't fight him for obvious reason. You know, alternate- universe paradox crap. So your gonna need to defeat him. You gotta really kick his ass dude. That way he'll want to return to his universe. Ready?"</p><p>"I guess so." I shrug still not really getting what exactly I'm doing.</p><p>"Alright go get him." Kyle opens the door and-</p><p>There's a kid in an even shittier version of his costume running in circles on his bed. Oh boy. "Zoooom. Oh hey cousin Kyle. I'm baaaaack!"</p><p>"Oh okay I see the problem now." I say laughing a bit at the sight of Kyle's cousin. I've never met him before but I've heard plenty of stories.</p><p>"Yeah." Kyle sighs, very annoyed.</p><p>"Who's your friend? Did he come to play with us?" His cousin asks.</p><p>Kyle's only response is "Alright me from another Universe! It is time for you to go back to your universe!"</p><p>"What do you mean Kyle? We're a team remember? I'm not from another universe; we're like super best pals!" Okay yeah this kid really is as annoying as the guys said he was.</p><p>"As you can see, he is the one running around giving the Human Kite a bad name. He was sent to destroy me and weaken my powers." Kyle explains, keeping up with the role play for no damn reason.</p><p>"No no I came to spend two weeks with my cousin and I wanted to play superheroes! And then he said, 'OK, What superhero do you want to be?' And I said 'I want to be Human Kite .' But he said 'You can't be Human Kite. I'm Human Kite.' And I said, 'Well why can't we be Human Kites together?' And so I went to Aunt Sheila and said 'I want to be Human Kites together.' And she told him he had to do what I said because I was the guest. Remember?" His cousin gives me his entire fucking life story. Jesus that kid can rant. Hypocritical of me I know but God at least I do it in my head! Most of the time anyways. </p><p>"So I can hit him now right?" I ask Kyle. Cause oooh I really wanna punch this kid.</p><p>"Hang on." Kyle says. He then turns back to his Cousin and basically rebukes everything he just said. "Alright now- sorry what's your hero name?"</p><p>"Alpha Wolf."</p><p>"Oh cool name. Alright Alpha Wolf, it is time for you to destroy my alter ego."</p><p>"Oh Jesus we're gonna fight?" I mean it's more like I'm gonna beat the shit out of you but yeah sure. Course I'm not gonna say that out loud. And wait did he just call me a weakling? I wasn't really paying attention anymore but I'm pretty sure this little bitch just called me a weakling.</p><p>"Okay you know I was gonna go easy on you but not anymore." I growl at him.</p><p>"Oh geeze, I-I haven't done a whole lot of sparing. Please tell me this is a no contact thing." The other Kyle pleads backing away slightly. Sparing is still a contact thing though???? The fuck does that mean????? Stage fighting is no contact but I can't think of any other kind of fight that would be no contact??? Is this kid stupid?</p><p>"This is a fight genius, all fights have contact. And no, it's not a spar." I say rolling my eyes.</p><p>"S-so it's full contact? Oh I'm afraid that's impossible I didn't bring my pads."</p><p>"Too bad, get him Alpha Wolf!" The entire fight basically consists of me beating him up followed by him cheating. I have no idea how any of the shit he's doing actually works but I'm probably gonna see a lot of that shit.</p><p>"Alright here we go my super ultimate power, get ready!" He says climbing up onto Kyle's bed</p><p>"Oh for the love of God." I face palm in annoyance.</p><p>"Wrath Kite from an alternate universe!" He then proceeds to jump off the bed and belly flop onto the floor. I think I heard a crack. Geeze this kid is fragile, like the one fucker from Spongebob.</p><p>"Wooooow so frightening." I say sarcastically as I stare down at the kid who's just face down on the floor.</p><p>He then slowly gets up, nose bleeding and holding his side. "Oh, Oh geeze I think I ruptured my hernia!"</p><p>"Congratulations." I mumble sarcastically. Kyle just elbows me in the side before asking if his 'alternate self' has had enough.</p><p>"Yeah this superhero stuff really hurts. I better go back to my universe."</p><p>"Oh you're leaving? Dude that sucks." Kyle says, voice dripping with sarcasm.</p><p>"Good riddance." I mumble, earning another elbow to the side. "I mean aw man it was nice meeting you! Shame you have to go, Bye!" That hurt to say.</p><p>"Yeah I'll be going back to my universe now Human Kite, Alpha Wolf. I need some Campho-Phenique for my ear because I got a scratch on it from being growled at." He then leaves the room.</p><p>"I have no idea what he just said nor how any of what just happened makes any sense." I say looking at Kyle.</p><p>"Don't worry about it. Anyways thanks a lot Dovahkiin! Anytime you get in a fight, I'll be there to help out if you need me." Kyle says side hugging me.</p><p>"No problemo Human Kite from this Universe." I chuckle, returning the side hug.</p><p>"Shut up." He laughs punching my shoulder.</p><p>"Whatever I'm gonna see what dumb shit Cartman or should I say 'The Coon' wants me to do."</p><p>"Alright, later Dovahkiin!"</p><p>"Bye Kyle." I then proceed to leave his house and immediately get a call from the Coon. Great. Why am I taking orders from Cartman again?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Ugh Raisins</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>So I've arrived back in the Coon lair, and of course Cartman also laughed at the fucking dog collar. And now that I've officially gotten sick of it, he says I can't take it off because it's too late and it's officially part of my costume.Claims it would be like Iron man without his suit. Course he refused to listen to my argument that the suit is one of the key things that makes him a fucking superhero. I mean yeah okay his suit played a major role and crap but it was his brains that allowed him to make the suit. That and money. But you know, this is Cartman we're dealing with so he's not gonna fucking listen to a word I say.</p><p>Now I'm only half listening to him explain artifacts to me as I continue wondering where the hell the rest of my friends-and more importantly my boyfriend- are.I guess I can ask them at school tomorrow but something tells me they'll either avoid me or dodge the question. I begin paying attention to Cartman again when he starts spinning a fidget spinner and making weird noises and then tries to hand it to me.</p><p>"Cartman I am not taking your stupid fidget spinner."</p><p>"It's not a fidget spinner it's an artifact Alpha Wolf. And if you don't take it you won't have enough power to get the 9th graders out of the way!"</p><p>"Ugh fine. I say reluctantly taking it. From him and "putting it in my artifact slot," which means I threw the fidget spinner somewhere amongst all the crap down here while he wasn't looking, downloaded another app onto my phone and put it digitally on myself. Cause that apparently does shit. Then Cartman started talking about it fusing with my DNA or some crap and I just went along with it because there's no point in questioning it. He then said something about being able to find and craft more later.</p><p>"Just remember- with great power, comes great chicks and money. Though I guess you don't really care about the chick part do you."</p><p>"Yeah no, not really."</p><p>"Right well,  go beat up those 9th graders now. Give them hell Alpha Wolf."</p><p>"Oh good! More reasons for the freshmen to want to devour my soul. Wooo." I say sarcastically, climbing the stairs and texting Kyle and Craig to meet up with me ahead of time. After a couple of minutes of waiting for Craig and Kyle the two finally arrive and stand next to me.</p><p>"So why do we have to fight them when you could have just gone a different way? Or you know snuck past them?" 'Super' Craig questions.</p><p>"Because that would be logical but the Coon is too dumb to do logic." I respond.</p><p>"That's Cartman for you." Kyle sighs.</p><p>"Come on lets just deal with these idiots." I say, lighting the fireworks with the snap n pops I stole from Craig and proceeding to punch one of the now burning 9th graders. Ordinarily I'd feel kinda bad for doing that but these are 9th graders, and all of the 9th graders are assholes.</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>&lt;-&lt;- Kyle's POV-&gt;-&gt;</strong>
</p><p>We actually managed to beat the Freshman. Wow. I mean now they are just going to be constantly coming for our asses but whatever.It'll be good for our franchise at least! I mean it probably will be, I don't know.</p><p>"Alright Cartman now what the hell do I need to do or can I just fuck about?" Alpha Wolf asks while FaceTimeing the Coon.</p><p>"For fucks sake Alpha Wolf it's the Coon! I know not of this Cartman you keep speaking of. Though I'm sure he is really handsome and awesome." I could barely keep myself from bursting out laughing at that lie."Anyways it's been brought to my attention that you've yet to fill out your kryptonite. You can't not have a kryptonite. In fact if anything I'd say you'd probably need two just to make things fair but fuck that. Superman only has one anyways."</p><p>"Uh Huh Okay so where exactly are you going with this?" A. Wolf asks.</p><p>"Go find Mosquito and get him to help you fill out your kryptonite I'll put your other character sheet stuff on the Map. Now move out!"</p><p>"Can't Craig or Kyle ju-"</p><p>"FIND MOSQUITO! Coon Out."</p><p>"I don't really see why we need Clyde to show you but whatever. Come on he's probably at Raisins again." I say gesturing for us to move on.</p><p>"Uuuugh" Super Craig and A. Wolf groan.</p><p>"Oh come on guys it's not that bad."</p><p>"Oh but it is. Those money whores see being openly gay as just a fucking challenge and will get pissed when we don't tip well." Dova groans.</p><p>"And now that I've broken up with Tweek it'll probably be even worse. Dovahkiin pretend to be my boyfriend while we're there yeah?"</p><p>"Fuck no. You know that's just gonna end up being an even bigger shit storm between you and Tweek. Not to mention it'll create a shit storm between me and Ken, and I don't need that."</p><p>"Yeah about that. There's a high possibility a small shit storm has already been created between you two." I warn him.</p><p>"What? What the hell did I do?" Dova asks, instantly panicking. Oh boy. Something tells me we aren't gonna have Alpha Wolf on our side for very long. Oh well it can't be helped.</p><p>"Don't worry about it I'm sure it'll be fine. Oh hey Fast Past says that there is lava blocking the normal way to Raisins and we'll have to take the alleyway. Dammit Chaos."</p><p>"Chaos?" Dovahkiin raises a brow, making a b-line for the alleyway.</p><p>"Professor Chaos aka Butters. Honestly he doesn't really do too much but what he does do is little annoying things." Craig explains.</p><p>"Ah." Dova Nods. "What's Jimmy doing by the Alleyway?"</p><p>"Heya Fellas. The Coon has s-sent me to let you know that I can help you guys out should you get into tr-tr-trouble."</p><p>"Alright welcome aboard the S.S WhateverTheFuck, Fast Past." A. Wolf shrugs.</p><p>"BrahBrah." I make a horn sound as I pull an imaginary handle.</p><p>"In that case Fast Pass you help them out, I'm gonna go continue looking for any signs of scrambles." Craig says, walking away.</p><p>"Really Craig? Oh for the- whatever let's just go." Dova says pouting and entering the alleyway. We then continue making our way to Raisins and sure enough Clyde's sitting at a table surrounded by girls.</p><p>"Hi welcome to Raisins! There three of you today?" The blond Raisins girl asks. I don't remember any of their names cause I really don't care. Just cause I'm still mostly in the closet doesn't mean I'm going to act like I care about girls. Though at this point I'm pretty sure basically everyone knows I'm gay but whatever. My parents still don't and while they seem to actually be alright with gay people now, I'm not about to test it. The Raisins girl has sat us at a table despite Dovahkiin trying to tell her that we are just looking for someone.</p><p>The moment she's gone we all get up and walk over to Mosquito being stupid. "Mosquito." Alpha Wolf calls out to him.</p><p>"Huh? Hey beat it guys these are my women!"</p><p>"Clyde I'm gay I don't give a shit about your Raisins girls. The coon sent me here to get you to help me out with fill out with my Kryptonite for whatever reason." Dov explains crossing his arms.</p><p>"The Coon? Wait... OH MY GOD! The mission! My fellow superheroes! I completely forgot!" Mosquito says hopping off the chair and beginning towards the door. "Back away temptresses! Mosquito knows what you are trying to do!"</p><p>"What are you talking about kid?" One of the Raisins girls that was trying to bring him his wings asks.</p><p>"The Raisins Girls are my Kryptonite! You guys have gotta help me get outta here!"</p><p>"Of fucking course they are. Alright just-" Dovahkiin's annoyed order gets cut off by a Raisins girl trying to give Clyde the check.</p><p>"HA HA! I think not! You tried to charm me I will not pay this bill!"</p><p>"You have to leave a tip asswipe!"</p><p>"Dammit Mosquito just pay them." I say, face palming.</p><p>"No way! We're just going to have to fight our way out of here! Let's do thiszzzz!"</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>We beat up a pretty large amount of Raisins girls and make it out with a minimal amount of bitch scratches. Of course now I not only have to worry about the 9th graders trying to beat my ass but I've also got to worry about the Raisins girls that are out for my blood. Thanks Clyde.</p><p>"Alright so, You said the Coon wanted me to help you with figuring out your Kryptonite?" Clyde asks me.</p><p>"Yep."</p><p>"Honestly I was thinking Kenny should be your Kryptonite." Kyle suggests.</p><p>"Why would Kenny be my weakness?"</p><p>"Same reasons Raisins girls are my weakness duh." Clyde responds.</p><p>"Oh come on Kenny doesn't have that much of an effect on me." I roll my eyes. The others just roll their eyes at me.</p><p>"Wh-Whatever Dovahkiin. I'm gonna see you guys later. I'm going to cont-cont-continue my search for scrambles" Jimmy says walking away.</p><p>"Yeah imma go too, later dudes!" Kyle says also leaving.</p><p>"Alright, what were you thinking should be your Kryptonite if you don't want it to be Kenny?" Clyde asks.</p><p>"Aliens" I respond not missing a beat.</p><p>"Really dude? Okay only problem with that is I highly doubt you'll be encountering any other Alien aside from Human Kite."</p><p>"Clyde the first night I was here in South Park I was abducted by Aliens." I inform him.</p><p>"Fair enough but have you since?"</p><p>"No but-"</p><p>"Okay how bought this? Since you're over powered as it is it's probably fairer if you've got two Kryptonites anyways. So how about we make them Aliens and Kenny?"</p><p>"Okay okay fine. I'm going to go fill out the rest of this crap now. Later Clyde." I say, looking at my map and walking away.</p><p>"Zzzsee ya!"It's not like I'm gonna encounter either of those things in a fight. At least I hope not. Don't really want to fight Aliens again and I definitely don't want to hurt Ken. I'm sure everything will be fine though. Now to go to Father Mackey to talk to him about religion. Yaaaaay! Kill me now.</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Gender Fun</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>Well I almost just got raped by two random priests. Fantastic. Didn't even get to fill out the religion slot on the character sheet. Whatever, I have no idea what I would've put anyways. Nor do I know what I'm supposed to do with this macaroni art. Oh well. Now to go to Mr.Mackey to discuss gender. Apparently he's doing this with all the other kids in South Park as well. Don't know why it's taken so long for him to decide to do this but whatever.Still don't get why all three of the schools have the same guidance counselor and principal and shit either. At least the teachers are different.</p><p>I arrive at the elementary school and make my way to Mr.Mackey's office, ignoring the little kids around me. I'm not really sure why they are still here when school ended like an hour and a half ago. Then again I'd rather be at school than at my house but to be fair I'd rather be practically anywhere than home. I wish my parents would stop fighting about the littlest of things.</p><p>I enter Mr. Mackey's office and greet him. "Hey Mr. Mackey, you wanted to talk to me?" I ask even though I already know why I'm here.Honestly I've been trying to avoid this as much as I can because I'd honestly rather not deal with this. According to some of the others, no matter what your answer to his question is he calls your parents to make sure it's correct or that they know. And my dad still wants to keep everything hidden despite everyone already knowing basically everything but whatever.</p><p>"Oh hi Dovahkiin, thanks for coming, have a seat." I sit in the chair opposite to him and fold my hands in my lap. "Now PC Principal wants me to get an official declaration of all our students' um sex mkay?" He says looking at his clipboard.</p><p>"Don't you guys kinda already have that?" I question, trying to get out of it.</p><p>"Well we actually only have what the person was born as and well some people don't identify with what they were born with anymore so we just want to make sure no one is being forced to use the wrong bathrooms or anything because we don't have their gender labeled properly mkay?"</p><p>"Right got it." I say biting my tongue and trying to hold back the sass.</p><p>"Mkay, see ,I'm highly trained in um, sex issues, mkay, so you don't have to be afraid." God I feel like I'm about to be sexually harassed again. Or that I'm about to delve into what little of a sex life I have or something. Is it even really a sex life if there's been no sex? I don't know, doesn't really matter either. "Mkay, Dovahkiin, so it's, it's really simple, when, Uh when you want to talk about your sex you can simply, well you can simply start by saying, you know, I'm a, I'm a boy or I'm a girl or other."</p><p>Kinda want to say that I'm an attack helicopter but Clyde already did that and ended up not only going through a lot of dumbass made up explanations and descriptions but he also got in trouble with PC Principal who, and I quote , yelled "YOU CANT JUST LIE ABOUT YOUR GENDER CLYDE! IT MAKES ALL THE PEOPLE WHO IDENTIFY AS ATTACK HELICOPTERS FEEL BAD DAMMIT!" It was a wonderful day in English class that day. Anyways time to answer Mr. Mkay.</p><p>"Alright well I am a boy." I tell him leaning back in my chair a little and putting one leg over the other.</p><p>"Mkay boy right exactly you got it. You uh you're hundred percent sure about that right? You can be honest and say if you're not Dovahkiin I noticed your shifting."</p><p>Are you fucking kidding me? Just cause I crossed my legs? Oh for fucks sake. "No, no I'm 100% Male" I insist.</p><p>"Well Mkay. Now Dovahkiin, this is where it can get confusing so listen close, Mkay? If you were born a boy, that's what's called being a cisgender boy mkay, or 'cis' for short. But well you might have transitioned into being a boy. You see what I mean?"</p><p>"Uh huh." I say tapping fingers against my leg in annoyance. Don't know why exactly we have to go through all of this. I already know what transgender is and I'm not.</p><p>"Mkay, If you were not born a boy but you now Identify as one, well, that's called being transgendered, Mkay. Or trans for short, mkay." I just hum in response and uncross my legs. "So, erm, do you identify as being cisgendered or transgenderd?"</p><p>"Well I was born a boy so I'm cisgendered I guess." I say crossing my arms and bouncing my leg. Please just let me leave.</p><p>"You guess? Dovahkiin are you sure that you aren't, um, uncomfortable with being identified as a boy? W-would you rather be identified as a girl or other? There's nothing to be ashamed of if that's the case mkay, it's better if you just-"</p><p>Oh my gooooooood fucking why? "No Mr Mackey I'm perfectly comfortable with being a Cisgender boy can I go now? I kinda have some things I need to do." That's actually a lie but there's other things that I could be doing.</p><p>"Ok... can you just hang on a minute? I need to call your parents. This'll just take a second." I can't help but to let my head fall back and release an annoyed groan.</p><p>I hear my mother pick up the phone. "Hello?"</p><p>"Uh, hello, this is Mr. Mackey, the counselor for the South Park school district."</p><p>"Oh Mr. Mackey hello! What seems to be the problem?"</p><p>"Yes, hi, uh I have Dovahkiin in my office right now and well, he's just let me know that he's cisgendered."</p><p>"Cisgendered? What's that?"</p><p>"That means he identifies with the sex that he was assigned to at birth."</p><p>"Oh okay, yes of course."</p><p>"Oh, you knew that? Mkay."</p><p>"Is there some sort of problem with that?"</p><p>"Well, no, no it's fine. I just wanted to make sure that you knew he had other options. You know, you don't, you don't always have to go with the first hand you're dealt. Mkay." He turned to look at me at that and I let out another annoyed groan. Fucking why?!? I'm fidgeting cause I'm bored you dip shit!</p><p>"Yes I know and I'm quite certain he is aware of this as well. But Dovahkiin hasn't really mentioned or shown any signs of wanting to be identified as anything other than a boy and he was born as one so..."</p><p>"Yeah, no, that's- That's great, that's great to know. I think that I can maybe really be of help from here on out. Thank you very much Mkay."</p><p>"Oh that- you don't have to do that Mr. Mackey but thank you nonetheless."</p><p>"Mkay bye-bye now, mkay." He then hangs up and sits back down in his chair. "Well, I'm really glad we had this talk. As a cisgender male myself, I know how hard it can be out there for a boy who chooses to love someone of the opposite sex. Just remember, Love is Love. Even if you're a guy who happens to like titties Mkay." Wait What? That's not at all what I said. I open my mouth to retaliate but fuck it. I'm probably going to have to apologize to Kenny when Mr. Mackey assumes he's a transgender girl now or something. "Just- just be careful Mkay. Cause there's- there's a lot of people out there who don't accept you for what you are and you're gonna have to deal with them, mkay. But come see me anytime mkay?"</p><p>I'm going to have to fight some people now aren't I? Great. I wave bye to Mr. Mackey and leave the elementary school. I walk up to Clyde, Kyle, and Craig outside about to greet then when my prediction becomes true. Woop-dee-fucking-doo!</p><p>"Well, Well, Well if it ain't a group of cisgendered boys." Some random group of drunk rednecks in a truck say.</p><p>"Oh for fucks sake." Craig curses.</p><p>"We don't take kindly to your types around here!"</p><p>"Really now? Are you actually trying to tell me you are any kinder to transgender people then?" I ask.</p><p>"Yeah that must mean you guys weren't born male right? Cause other wise you shouldn't take kindly to each other either." Kyle says crossing his arms.</p><p>"Do you guys sexually identify as assholes or rednecks?" Craig asks.</p><p>"Wha- no of course not! Just fuckin, Lets get 'em!" Haha we made them mad.</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>After the red necks failed to "punch me straight" the coon told me to go buy him a taco. So now I'm off to Freeman's taco because Cartman said that he'd refuse to give me any other missions until I get him a taco.I enter the shop and Morgan Freeman greets me as usual but, before I can order Cartman a taco he starts going on about crafting shit and makes me download another app on my phone. He then teaches me how to make an Enchirido. Supposedly it's the first time anyone has done that. I somehow doubt that but, whatever it's Morgan Freeman. He also gave me a bunch of other recipes so that I can "save my sorry ass" if I need to. I get Cartman's taco and as I'm leaving Morgan Freeman calls out to me one more time.</p><p>"And just one more thing. They say that some farts are so powerful that they can actually... bend the fabric of time. You be careful out there." Oooookay? That's both ominous and stupid. And of course right as I'm leaving Freeman's Tacos Cartman calls me back to the Coon Lair and demands I get him his taco immediately.</p><p>"Here's your damn taco Coon." I throw the bag on the table in front of him. Before either of us can say anything a dumbass alarm starts going off. Cartman immediately goes over to the "coon computer" and answers it.</p><p>"This is Coon what's happening?"</p><p>"It's the Freedom Pals!" Human Kite responds. The what now?</p><p>"What have they done now?" Coon asks.</p><p>"Just get to Main Street! Hurry!"</p><p>"I'm coming! Coon Out!" He then ends the call and turns to me. "Alpha Wolf you stay here and guard the lair I'll go help them."</p><p>"Um no no no who are the Freedom Pals? And why the fuck should I stay here?" I say following him up the stairs.</p><p>"Their our rival franchise and you're not strong enough to go up against them yet. Now stay here!" He says slamming the front door in my face. I throw it open and jog a bit to catch back up with him. Was he seriously running just to get away from me? Okay now I'm even more suspicious.</p><p>"Oh bullshit Cartman there's a reason you don't want me to go and I'm going to find out what exactly it is!"</p><p>"Ugh God dammit Dovahkiin. Fucking, fine you were bound to find out anyways." We finally arrive on Main Street and- oh god fucking dammit! Of fucking course!</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Arguments, Arguments Everywhere</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>|•|Kenny's POV|•|</strong>
</p><p>"We were supposed to be a duo remember Tweek??" Craig yells at him.</p><p>"Yeah, I remember! So, when I walked out of Coon and Friends, you should've walked out with me!" Tweek yells back.</p><p>"I like Coon and Friends!" Craig argues.</p><p>"Because you had your own movies"</p><p>"Super Craig had to have movies before Wonder Tweek was introduced! It made no sense otherwise!" Honestly got to agree with that but that doesn't mean he couldn't get a movie what so ever.</p><p>"Your whole group makes no sense!" Tweek yells, voice starting to sound worn from yelling. Well more so than usual that is. So far this has honestly just been a bitching match between the two of them. I think they're waiting for fucking Coon to get here. I still can't believe they actually broke up because of this like that's a bit much. Which reminds me I still need to charge my phone and text Dovahkiin before-</p><p>"Nope no fucking way I'm not doing this!" Oh god dammit.</p><p>"Uh oh." Both Craig and Kyle say.</p><p>"Yeah uh oh. You did not recruit my fucking boyfriend assholes!" I yell at them.</p><p>"Alpha Wolf don't you dare dip out on us just for Mysterion!" Super Craig yells at Dova as the Coon drags him over. Well tries to. Dovahkiin is really fighting against him.</p><p>"Oh no I'm fucking leaving your asses." He says still fighting against Cartman.</p><p>"You fucking can't! He's one of your weaknesses! You'd have to come up with another Kryptonite!" Kyle yells at him.</p><p>"Fucking What?" I yell glaring at both of them.</p><p>"That was yours and Clyde's idea dammit and Clyde wouldn't let me just choose Aliens and made me do both! Beside you're technically an alien in this game and I'm on the same side as you!"</p><p>"You are not fucking dipping out on us for fucking Freedom Pals, just cause your boyfriend is there! Craig didn't!" Cartman argues.</p><p>"Wait are you fucking kidding me? THAT'S why you guys broke up?!?" He says, suddenly no longer resisting Cartman and causing fatass to fall. He then walks over to us and looks between the two Ex's.</p><p>"I told you, he walked out on me!"</p><p>"Gah! I walked out on you?! You didn't take my side when I needed your support!"</p><p>"Oh my god you two are so fucking stupid!" Dovahkiin face palms.</p><p>"They really are." I agree.</p><p>"Hey!" They both yell glaring at both me and Dovahkiin.</p><p>"Well what the fuck are you gonna do Mysterion? You're in the same position now!" Tweek asks crossing his arms.</p><p>"I'm gonna take my boyfriend back thank you very much!"</p><p>"Oh no you're not! Alpha Wolf came to us and he's going to stick with us and we will have the better franchise!" Cartman says.</p><p>"Excuse me?" I turn my gaze to Dova.</p><p>"I didn't know what the fuck was going on or where anyone was and you weren't answering my texts or calls!"</p><p>"My phone died! And why the hell did you go to fucking Cartman in the first place!?"</p><p>"Because it's usually Cartman that initiates this shit!" I guess he's got a point there but why the he'll didn't he like try to find me?</p><p>"Oh great now they've started up. I knew this was going to happen." Kyle sighs.</p><p>"Wait a minute hold the fuck up that's right! Why the hell didn't any of you tell me!?" He glares at them.</p><p>"Because I fucking knew you'd dip out on us the moment you found out Kenny was on the other team! I'm sorry that I didn't want to lose another person I cared about to the god damn Freedom Pals!" Craig yells at him.</p><p>"Ditto." Kyle mumbles.</p><p>"Oh please Craig if you really cared about me you would have come with me!" Tweek yells at him.</p><p>"He didn't go because unlike you he's not a traitor Tweek! And now you're a part of a group of super traitors!" The coon responds.</p><p>"This was started by you! By people who thought there should be preferential treatment to certain heroes and now you're peer pressuring my fucking boyfriend!" I yell back at Cartman.</p><p>"You're peer pressuring him too asshole! And we aren't the ones who walked out of the fucking franchise Mysterion!" He responds. Timmy then steps in and supposedly begins talking to the coon telepathically.</p><p>"Get our of my head Timmy.... He just called us Douchebags, in my mind." Oh now he's trying to trigger Dova. And of fucking course it's actually working. I saw that fucking twitch of the ear.</p><p>"He did?" Kyle asks.</p><p>"Alright you son of a bitch! Aaaagh!" The coon charges only for Timmy to teleport down the street. Not sure how he's actually able to do that but then again the other guys can do the same kind of shit for some reason soooo...</p><p>"Timmy!"</p><p>"Mother Fucker! Coon Friends, deal with these assholes!" Cartman yells before running down the street after him. Wow it can run.</p><p>"Alright fine but I'm not hitting my boyfriend." Dova huffs.</p><p>"Well he is your Kryptonite." Kyle says.</p><p>"We're talking about this later." I say to Dova. "Oh also Alpha Wolf? Sorry about this."</p><p>"What?" He tilts his head before I unleash a series of kicks on him.</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>So I'm pretty pissed off right now despite winning that fight. Also my jaw hurts like shit. Along with every other place that Kenny hit me. I'm thankful that he avoided the nether regions at least. He also said sorry anytime he was hitting me.Mosquito had shown up shortly after the fight began and Fast Past got here right at the end, helping the others finish off Mysterion. Like I had said I refused to hit him so I just stood in the corner and took the time to somewhat collect my thoughts.The Freedom Pals left after we defeated them and Kenny mouthed another 'I'm sorry' before leaving.</p><p>"Guess Mysterion doesn't hold back on anyone does he?" I say half heatedly, rubbing my probably bruised jaw.</p><p>"Apparently not. I kinda thought he would at least a little on you but I guess not." Kyle says. "Then again he did seem pretty pissed" He's not the only one.</p><p>I just hum and nod. "Hey wait, what happened to coon?" Craig asks looking around</p><p>"Oh shit come on." Kyle says, leading us down the street to where Cartman went.</p><p>"Coon what happened?" Clyde asks.</p><p>"Timmy got away?" Kyle asks as well.</p><p>"He-He completely raped my mind." He responds getting up slowly. Oh please.</p><p>"You ok?" Jimmy asks.</p><p>"No seriously guys, he fucked the shit out of my brains."</p><p>"He clearly didn't because it's still coming out of your mouth." I grumble, leaning against the wall.</p><p>"Alpha Wolf I don't need your salt right now please. Agh... I grabbed him, we fought for a little bit, but his mental powers are too strong." Coon explains.</p><p>"So we did all of that for nothing?" Clyde asks.</p><p>"Fucking great." I huff.</p><p>"Not quite," Coon says pulling out a phone "I got Timmy's cell phone."</p><p>"You did?" Craig questions a bit surprised.</p><p>"There's sure to be a lead on there!" Clyde says.</p><p>"Let's get that back to base! Super Craig can analyze it." Kyle says. The others begin to leave but Craig stops.</p><p>"Dova? You coming." I look over to him and sigh.</p><p>"Yeah. Yeah I'm coming." I say kicking off the wall and walking along side him.</p><p>"Look man I'm sorry about not telling you about the whole Freedom Pals thing."</p><p>"I know Craig." I sigh "I get it. I know you're break up with Tweek has kinda hit you hard even if you claim it hasn't." I say emphasizing the 'even' to shut down his denial ahead of time.</p><p>"Thanks Dovahkiin. I hope you and Kenny don't have to go through the same shit." He says throwing an arm over my shoulder and shaking me a bit.</p><p>"Nah I think we'll be fine." I say smiling a bit.</p><p>We reach the Coon lair and Super Craig starts 'analyzing Timmy's phone.' In other words he's looking at it through a microscope which seems like it'd hinder the searching more than help it. After a while of 'analyzing' the Coon asks him what he's found.</p><p>"Timmy's phone has a bunch of notes in it. Something about a girl who has information about all the criminals in town." Craig responds.</p><p>"What girl?" Cartman asks.</p><p>"It just says 'find the girl with the Dick tattoo.'"</p><p>"What girl in town has a dick tattoo?" Clyde questions</p><p>"Sounds like either a slut or a stripper." I comment.</p><p>"You might be right Alpha Wolf. Either way the Freedom Pals must think that SHE'S the key to finding the missing cats." Cartman says.</p><p>"If the Freedom Pals find her before we do they'll get the hundred dollar reward." Kyle says.</p><p>Oh is that what we're doing? Trying to find a cat just for $100? I literally got that for my birthday from my Aunt. Granted she's rich as hell and that's basically the same as a normal person giving me five dollars to her but still. Whatever, Cartman's talking about how we can't let the Freedom Pals have a good franchise or something. They don't actually think we can start up an actual superhero franchise do they?</p><p>"Then we have to find the girl with the tattoo TONIGHT." Jimmy says.</p><p>"Fast pass is right. We all have to sneak out of our house tonight and search the entire town." Craig says.</p><p>"What do you say Dov? You up for it?" Kyle asks me. I let out a huff and lean my head back closing my eyes. I'm mean it's not like I'll be able to sleep anyways since my parents will probably be having more screaming matches. And not the kind that burn your ears, honestly I think I'd prefer those at this point.</p><p>"Look dude I realize you're kinda pissed off right now but come on." Clyde says.</p><p>"Go easy on him you guys. He's had a tough life. When he was six years old-"</p><p>"Cartman shut the fuck up right now before I punch you in the nose." I warn.</p><p>He backs away from me slightly before continuing "-his dad fucked his mom."</p><p>"What?" Kyle asks.</p><p>"It's his stupid ass fucking backstory for me." I say growling at Cartman.</p><p>"Dovahkiin don't say that about your life. I'm sorry I had to tell them but it was time they learned."</p><p>"I'm going to slit your throat in your sleep." I say growling more.</p><p>Cartman just backs further away from me before continuing on "You see Dovahkiin doesn't trust anyone because his dad fucked his mom and he couldn't do anything about it."</p><p>"That doesn't make any sense." Kyle says.</p><p>"I know. How could the person you trust do that to the only other person you love?"</p><p>"Cartman, everyone's dad fucked everyone's mom."</p><p>"Hah?" Cartman says clearly confused.</p><p>"That's how it works stupid! Our Dads fuck our Moms." Kyle explains.</p><p>"And this is why you don't fall asleep during Sex Ed." Craig comments.</p><p>"Oh right, so does that mean your dad fucked your mom Kyle? Huh?!"</p><p>"I knew you were stupid but I didn't think you were this stupid." I grumble rubbing my temple.</p><p>"YES! My dad fucked my mom! That's why I'M HERE!" Kyle yells.</p><p>"Don't steal his backstory dude, that's not cool." Coon gestures with his arm towards me.</p><p>"That's not my fucking backstory fatass." I growl making him bring his arm back to his chest.</p><p>"YOU'RE SO FUCKING STUPID! EVERY HUMAN ALIVE ON EARTH HAD A DAD WHO FUCKED THEIR MOM AND-" Kyle yells.</p><p>"STOP! Stop! This is not what's important right now. We need to find the lady with the Dick tattoo!" Clyde cuts him off.</p><p>"Right. Let's get home so we can prepare for our evening missions." Craig agrees.</p><p>"I mean I'm heading over to talk to Kenny first but sure." I say shrugging.</p><p>"Don't you dare fucking-" coon starts.</p><p>"Fucking chill I'm not betraying your asses I'm just making sure I don't lose my boyfriend over this shit." I say.</p><p>"Alright Fine. But just to be safe I'm going to send one of the Coon Friends over to assist you on tonight's mission."</p><p>"Yeah sure whatever." I say.</p><p>"Alright, Let's go Coon Friends!" Jimmy says and we all start up the stairs.</p><p>"He's such a fucking idiot." Kyle yells once more.</p><p>"It's ok, calm down." Craig says.</p><p>"Oh no it's fucking not. I really want to rip him a new fucking asshole right now." I growl out.</p><p>"Dova no." Craig says.</p><p>"Dova yes." Kyle says. "Fucking do it dude."</p><p>"Oh come on Kyle don't encourage him." Clyde scolds.</p><p>"Alright well I'm gonna go to Kenny's and talk shit out with him now. And complain about how fucking hard he kicks." I say rubbing my jaw.</p><p>"Alright see ya dude." Kyle waves.</p><p>"Bye Dova" Clyde says.</p><p>"See you l-later Dovahkiin. And good luck" Jimmy says saluting me.</p><p>"Go on and run home to your master mutt butt!" Craig shoos me off.</p><p>"Fuck you!" I say walking backwards to flip him off.</p><p>"Fuck you too mutt butt!" He says flipping me off as well and laughing. I just shake my head and continue my route to Ken's.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Fluff and Stuff</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>|•|Kenny's POV|•|</strong>
</p><p>The moment my phone is charged enough to turn on I get a plethora of texts and a few voicemails. Most of them are from Dovahkiin. God I feel horrible.  Not only for not telling him about the superhero shit but also for hitting him so hard. Especially when he didn't even lay a finger on me! I hear a knock on the door and immediately launch off my ass to get it. I probably shouldn't have done that because I'm still pretty damn sore from the fight against Coon and Friends but I'm pretty damn sure that's my wolfy.</p><p>"I got it!" I yell passing my mother before she can get to the door. My house isn't as bad as it used to be and it's actually pretty clean now. My parents have somewhat pulled their shit together and fixed the place up a bit. At least there's no more holes in the roof and less cracks in the walls. Apparently it's because the drugs seem "weirder and not in a good way" and have increased in cost but hey, whatever makes things better.</p><p>I open the door and immediately hug my boyfriend. "Hey." Is the only thing that comes out of my mouth. Good job Kenny you beat up your boyfriend earlier and all you can say is 'Hey.' He returns the hug and my 'Hey' nonetheless. I pull him inside and immediately into my room. "You okay?" I ask, bringing my hand up to cup his cheek as we sit on my bed. "I mean obviously I kinda fucked you up but I mean-"</p><p>"Kenny." Dova cuts me off and places his hand over mine, rubbing  his thumb over my knuckles. "I'm fine. Though you could've gone a little easier." He chuckles.</p><p>"I'm sorry. I was just kinda angry. Not at you but at Cartman, and kinda at Kyle, and I kinda accidentally took it out on you. Honestly I shouldn't have hit you at all but -mmh!" He cuts me off again but this time with a kiss.</p><p>Before I can fully melt into it he pulls away in favor of leaning our foreheads against each other. "It's fine. What about you though? I know Craig isn't exactly a soft puncher. Not to mention he's kinda hard headed." He jokes.</p><p>I can't help but giggle a little at him. "God what did I do to deserve you?" I sigh in bliss.</p><p>"That's my line." He responds kissing me once more, wrapping his arms around my waist as I wrap mine around his neck. It's a soft passionate kiss, slow and filled with love rather than tongue. Honestly that's exactly what the both of us need right now. Just a soft reassurance that we're still here for each other you know?</p><p>................. okay now I want some tongue in here though. But first let's get some air.</p><p>I pull away slightly and hum against his lips lightly. "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you? You know for kicking you in the face." I asks.</p><p>"Hmm how about a couple hundred more kisses?" Dova requests.</p><p>"Your wish is my command Alpha~" I purr out, smug smirk turning into a full on grin at the shiver that's clearly sent through Dovahkiin's spine. I bring our lips together once more, no movement at first, just kinda feeling each other. I pull away a little only to be pulled right back, Dova giving me another soft, passionate kiss, our lips moving in sync once more. This time he's the one to pull away, humming in satisfaction as he leans our foreheads together. I open my eyes slowly to find his are still closed and he has one of the most content looks on his face that I've ever seen.</p><p>He slowly opens his eyes and smiles at me softly. "You know with all the fucked up shit that happens in my life, hell is happening in <em>our</em> lives, I'm really glad that I can always count on you to be there. I swear I'd have completely lost it if I didn't have you as a constant in my life."</p><p>I think my face just exploded. I bring Dovy into a hug as a thanks but also just to hide my blood red face. "Dovyyyyy you can't just suddenly say stuff like that with no warning." I whine out.I just get a soft and hearty laugh in response before I'm pulled down and on top of my wolf of a boyfriend. I remove my face from his neck to pout down at him but whooooo boy that's a mistake because he looks really hot and also cute like this and my heart can't fucking take it. His hair is slightly splayed out against the pillow, his fluffy ears are slightly floppy due to how relaxed he is and oh my sweet Jesus that look on his face. Just the look of pure adoration and that fucking soft ass smile and it's all pointed at me. It's all for me, and no one else and I'm the only one who ever has this smile aimed at me and just fuck! I face plant myself into Dovahkiin's chest, having moved down slightly to look at him, and let out a soft groan of embarrassment and just cute/hot boyfriend overload.</p><p>"You doing alright there Ken?"</p><p>"Why are you so fucking attractive?" I grumble into his chest. "Not fucking fair."</p><p>"Well how else was I supposed to win your hot ass?"<span class="Apple-converted-space">  He says, patting my ass for emphasis before moving his hand back to my lower back.</span></p><p>"Wow. Is that what you love me for?" I ask shifting so that my chin is resting on my folded arms on his chest. "Im hurt Dovy." I say, fake pouting at him.</p><p>"Well of course I love you for a lot more than just yourself ass. I love your face, chest, legs, di-" I slap him lightly in the face before he can continue. "Owwy. Haven't you beat me up enough today? You're supposed to be kissing me better not bringing me more harm." He pouts, pulling a puppy dog face which only he can do. Well Pete can too purely because they're both part canines and have the ears for it.</p><p>"You deserved that and you know it." I respond with a slight glare. "But I guess I did say I'd pepper you with kisses didn't I?" I lean in a give him a short kiss on the lips, before pulling away. Before he can open his mouth to complain, I begin my assault on his face. I begin laying light kisses all across his face. The corner of his mouth, tip of his nose, all over his cheeks, right under his eyes, on his eyelids, his forehead, nothing is safe from my lips.</p><p>Eventually he pushes me back slightly while giggling, "Alright, Alright, I think your magical kisses have healed my face Princess Kenny."</p><p>"Ha Ha." I say with an eye roll but still smiling down at him. I know the guys always joke about him being whipped but hell so am I. Dova just doesn't ask me to do things that often so it just doesn't really show as much.</p><p>"That being said...." Dova says glancing back at my lips and unconsciously licking his own. "One more couldn't hurt."</p><p> </p><p>"As you wish my king."Our lips meet together once more, softly moving against each other, nothing very heated, just more love and-</p><p> </p><p>"Okay fuck it." Is the only warning I get before I'm flipped over and Dov is hovering over me. "As nice as all the innocent kisses are, I think we both know that isn't quite us." He explains, smirking down at me before diving back for a far harder and rougher kiss. I cant help but gasp in slight surprise and pleasure-Ah there's the tongue I wanted before. And boy does Dova have a skilled one. It wraps around my own, sucking it sweetly, exploring all around the inside of my mouth, leaving me in bliss. Quiet moans leave my body,despite Dova trying to swallow them, and seemingly me as a whole. It's almost too much too fast and it's leaving me almost light headed.</p><p>Dova seems to realize my need for air because he pulls away to begin assaulting my neck instead. Biting and sucking slightly along the sensitive skin. He works hard and fast, filling my neck with marks as he fills me with pleasure, and now there is nothing to hide my responding moans and I quite frankly don't-</p><p>"KENNETH MCCORMICK WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING IN THERE!?" My mom yells out, banging on my door. Okay maybe I should care. Dova accidentally scrapes his teeth against my neck  a bit too hard as he pulls away but quite frankly I'm to mortified to care.</p><p>"I-I MOM!"</p><p>"ANSWER THE QUESTION YOUNG MAN! DO YOU HAVE A DICK IN YOUR ASS RIGHT NOW!?"</p><p>"NO!" We both shout in response, absolutely horrified and instantly going bright ass red.</p><p>"WELL THEN JUST WHAT IN HELL ARE YOU DOING?"</p><p>"W-We were just kissing!" Dovahkiin responds still sounding terrified.</p><p>"What were you frenching or something?" She asks.</p><p>"MOM! For the love of-" I cover my face with my hands.</p><p>"Well were-"</p><p>"YES! Yes we were! We were doing nothing else! Can you go away now?" I plead out, uncovering my face to turn towards the door.</p><p>"Oh. Well okay then. Sorry to bother you." I stop and listen to her footsteps as she walks away and let out a sigh. Both of us then turn to face each other, faces still flushed bright ass red. Dovahkiin then buries his face into my freshly bruised neck and groans in embarrassment. I just let out a sigh as I take advantage of this and begin running my fingers through his hair and scratching behind his Wolf ears. I eventually become aware of how difficult it is to breathe with Dovy's muscly body pressed on top of mine completely and pat his back to tell him to get off. But rather than getting off he just rolls over to flip our positions.</p><p>Unfortunately my bed isn't exactly big enough for that and it results with both of us falling off the bed. "Ow."</p><p>"Good job babe." I say sarcastically.</p><p>"Shut up." He pouts.</p><p>"Aw come on, no pouty puppies." I say pecking his cheek. He tries to pretend to still be mad but the sound of his tail thumping against the floor gives him away. He lets out a huff to try and sell the act anyways and I just roll my eyes and peck his lips. "You're aware that your tail is going a mile a minute right?" I say smiling down at him. I hear the thumping stall for a moment before picking up again with slightly decreased speed.</p><p>"No it's not." He blatantly lies. I can't help but giggle at his ridiculousness. I raise an eyebrow as his blissful smile slowly turns into a sad pout.</p><p>"What?" I ask him.</p><p>"I scraped your neck and it's bleeding now."</p><p>"You wanna kiss it better?"</p><p>"That's how I scraped it in the first place dumby." He responds looking at it.</p><p>"Well it doesn't really hurt and I've had worse so it's fine. Ah Speaking of dumb though, do you have any idea why Mr. Mackey seemed so persistent on trying to get me to admit that I was a transgender girl?" Dova just throws his head back, banging it against the floor and groans in a mixture of pain and annoyance.</p><p>"Apparently Mr. Mackey doesn't understand the difference between sexuality and gender because he seems to think Cisgender male = straight guy."</p><p>"Yeah that explains quite a bit. When I finally convinced him that I was perfectly happy with being male he asked me if we had broken up or were having issues to which I replied 'no.' Then he started apologizing and said that he had thought we were in a gay relationship and I told him we were and it just went on forever until he called my mom to confirm things and then he said he'd need to contact PC Principal." I explain.</p><p>"Oof sounds like you were there a lot longer than me."</p><p>"Yeah. Then I get a text from Token saying that Craig and Tweek were fighting again and that they needed some back up because it was escalating into civil war battle bullshit." I sigh laying my head on his chest.</p><p>"Oh yeah we were gonna talk about that crap." Dova huffs.</p><p>"Yeah... what are we gonna do?" I ask.</p><p>"I... I kinda told Craig I'd stay, for a bit at least. I can't leave him on his own right now Ken. I know it doesn't necessarily look like it but the break up has seriously taken a toll on him. It's taken a toll on both of them." He sighs.</p><p>"Yeah I know. But who knows When or even if they're going to get back together." I say, returning to my previous petting.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>I lean into Kenny's hand as he runs his fingers through my hair and scratches behind my fluffy ears. I hum in content and in thought."What if I get them back together?" I suggest. Kenny furrows his eyebrows at me. "I know I'm not gonna be able to get either of them to switch sides but I can at least repair their relationship." I explain.</p><p>"Okay but how the hell are you gonna do that? Couples counseling?"</p><p>"I mean that's a fucking start. I doubt Mr. Mackey will be much help but at the very least it'll briefly give them a common enemy to work with or something." I explain.</p><p>"There's no way that's gonna work." Kenny says.</p><p>"Yeah probably not but I don't know man. I'll figure something out." I say rubbing his back. Kenny hums and lays his head back down to my chest and continues to play with my ears. We lay there just soaking up each others presence in a comfortable silence. Then there's a knock at Kenny's door.</p><p>"Dovahkiin are you staying over tonight sweet heart?" Kenny's Mom asks.</p><p>I let out a huff before answering her "No I have stuff to do at home tonight."</p><p>"Alright well you should probably head home then. It's gettin' kinda late."</p><p>"Will do Mrs. McCormick." I listen to the sounds of her foot steps walking away before turning to face the frowning Kenny.</p><p>"What do you have to do?"</p><p>"Coon and Friends bull shit." I reply. Kenny let's out an annoyed huff.</p><p>"Believe me I know. I'd really much rather stay here but Cartman is basically having someone babysit me on this mission as it is."</p><p>"Does this mean I'm gonna have to get off my muscle pillow?" Kenny asks, pouting at me.</p><p>I let out a chuckle before pecking his lips and answering "I'm afraid so."</p><p>Ken makes a noise of disappointment but gets off me anyways."Why do you have to be with those assholes?" He whines in response as I sit up.</p><p>"We just went over that." I whine back at him, standing up.</p><p>"Why are you such an ass." He whines again.</p><p>"Because you are what you eat." I whine once more, wrapping my arms around his waist and patting his ass for the second time tonight.</p><p>I receive a slap to the ass for my comment and my mockery along with a tug to my tail. I let out a yipe and glare down at my slightly shorter boyfriend. "Don't be a Cartman."</p><p>"Oh come on now the spanking and tail pulling wasn't enough? Now you have to insult me too?" I ask putting my hand to my chest.</p><p>Kenny then sticks his tongue out at me before wraps his arms around my own waist in the form of a hug. A hug that was actually just a ploy to allow Kenny access to pinch my ass. "Honestly the only reason I smacked it was because it was there and I like your booty"</p><p>I respond by bringing my hands around to cup both his asscheeks and give them a hearty squeeze earning a squeal from my lovely boyfriend. "Mm I don't know I think yours is a whole lot better." I then kiss him one last time before releasing him all together. "I should get going now. My parents are probably already flipping out as it is."</p><p>"Alright. Try not to get into too much trouble kay?" He says pecking my bruising jaw.</p><p>"I'll try. See ya at school tomorrow Ken." I say goodbye, ruffling his hair as I leave his bedroom. "Bye Mrs. McCormick, sorry for the intrusion and um noise." I say blushing.</p><p>"As long as my son keeps his virginity until you have finished middle school I'm fine with you two doing whatever. Just try not to do it if Karen is here though kay?"</p><p>"R-right." I nod.</p><p>"Oh come on Carol you're embarrassing the kid! Just run on home now Alright boy?" Kenny's Dad says shooing me out the door. I nod in thanks and wave them both goodbye before pretty much running home.</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. First Real Mission</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>I walk into my house and my parents are having another screaming match. Woot. Apparently it's because of the whole councilor thing. Upon noticing my existence my parents turn to me and greet me as if every thing is okay. "FYI, the councilor is talking to all the kids in South Park. It's a mandatory thing." I say walking past them and up the stairs.</p><p>"Ah! Hang on Dovahkiin aren't you  going to eat your dinner?" My Mom says coming to the bottom of the staircase.</p><p>"Yeah I'm just gonna take a shower first."</p><p>"Didn't you take one last night?" Dad questions.</p><p>"Yeah but we started a new game today and I got pretty dirty because of it so I need to take another one." Its definitely not an excuse for me to get away from them longer. I mean we really did start a new game and I am pretty dirty from that soooo.</p><p>"Well all right champ if you say so." I grab my clothes and a towel on my way to the bathroom. As soon as the bathroom door is closed my parents are screaming their heads off again. Honestly I don't even need super hearing for that shit. Apparently Dad thinks that it's an out rage and a invasion of our privacy to be forcing the students to say our genders. My mom, being the slightly more rational and reasonable person, tries to explain to him that they just want to make sure each person is being treated properly according to how they identify. And there's the insults. I let out a huff of annoyance and glare up at the water that's spraying my face. It may be able to wash away the dirt and sweat and stuff, but it can't wash away the bull shit in my life. I continue cleaning myself up before getting out, drying off, and getting dressed again. I stare at the vague image of my blurry reflection in the still fogged up mirror.</p><p>I take a deep breath before exhaling slowly, putting on my glasses, and leaving the bathroom. As I'm passing by my parents' bedroom I hear my dad grumbling to himself while eating something. Probably another pot brownie. I roll my eyes and head downstairs to eat dinner alone again. I glance into the kitchen and sure enough my Mom is crying while drinking whine again. I feel my phone buzz in my pocket as I sit down to slowly eat my now cold dinner. Don't know why I'm eating it when I already know my parents drug the shit out of it. You know what? Fuck that. I'm just gonna "go to bed" and see who texted me. </p><p>
  <strong>C= Craig D=Dovahkiin</strong>
</p><p> </p><p><strong>C:</strong> You and Kenny still okay?</p><p> </p><p><strong>D:</strong>Oh we are more than okay 😏</p><p> </p><p><strong>C:</strong> Gross</p><p> </p><p><strong>D:</strong> Oh please 🙄</p><p> </p><p><strong>C:</strong> What?</p><p> </p><p><strong>D:</strong> You spammed me with texts after Tweek gave you your first Hand Job. At 1 in the morning might I add</p><p> </p><p><strong>C:</strong> Touché🖕🏻</p><p> </p><p><strong>C:</strong> You guys decide what you're gonna do?</p><p> </p><p><strong>D:</strong> Somewhat</p><p> </p><p><strong>C:</strong> and that is???</p><p> </p><p><strong>D:</strong> You shall see Super Craig. You shall see</p><p> </p><p><strong>C:</strong> wtf does that mean</p><p> </p><p><strong>D:</strong> It means stuffs</p><p> </p><p><strong>C:</strong> Dovahkiin I swear to god</p><p> </p><p><strong>D:</strong> Chill dude. I'm not leaving your ass</p><p> </p><p><strong>C:</strong> I sense an invisible 'yet' there</p><p> </p><p><strong>D:</strong> Shhhh don't worry about it. Anyways gotta lay in bed till whoever is babysitting me arrives</p><p> </p><p><strong>C:</strong> or you could sleep</p><p> </p><p><strong>D:</strong> As the Great Jacksepticeye once said, "SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK!"</p><p> </p><p><strong>C:</strong> Fucking insomniac you're worse th</p><p> </p><p><strong>C:</strong> Fuck Ignore that I didn't erase it all</p><p> </p><p><strong>D:</strong> I'm guess you were talking about Tweek?</p><p> </p><p><strong>C:</strong> Yeah... God I shouldn't still be hung up on his ass but I fucking am and I fucking hate it!</p><p> </p><p><strong>D:</strong> I know dude. Don't worry all shall be solved soon enough</p><p> </p><p><strong>C:</strong> Wtf does that mean</p><p> </p><p><strong>D:</strong> Don't worry about it</p><p> </p><p><strong>C:</strong> Dova, what are you planning</p><p> </p><p><strong>D:</strong> I told you already, stuffs</p><p> </p><p><strong>C:</strong> I'm not joking dude wtf are you gonna do</p><p> </p><p><strong>D:</strong> Nighty Night Craigy Poo! Love you mwah! Kisses! 😙😙❤️🧡💛💚💙💜</p><p> </p><p><strong>C:</strong> YOU LITERALLY JUST SAID YOU WEREN'T GONNA SLEEP!</p><p> </p><p><strong>C:</strong> DOVAHKIIN</p><p> </p><p><strong>C:</strong> You're an ass you know that?</p><p> </p><p><strong>D:</strong> You are what you eat</p><p> </p><p><strong>C:</strong> Omfg is that what you did earlier?</p><p> </p><p><strong>D:</strong> Nah we didn't even do much honestly. Just heavy petting. Did eat the shit out of his face though</p><p> </p><p><strong>D:</strong> Haven't reached the eat the booty like groceries stage yet</p><p> </p><p><strong>C:</strong> Wow</p><p> </p><p><strong>D:</strong> :P</p><p> </p><p><strong>C:</strong> why the old school emoji?</p><p> </p><p><strong>D:</strong> Because there isn't an aggressive tongue sticking out emoji. They're all happy and silly. Like does anyone actually use these😛😜🤪😝?</p><p> </p><p><strong>C:</strong> Girls probably do for flirting or sexting. Also Clyde to be annoying.</p><p> </p><p><strong>D:</strong> Ugh</p><p> </p><p><strong>C:</strong> Okay I'm gonna actually sleep now. Or at least try to</p><p> </p><p><strong>D:</strong> Sweet nightmares Dick wad</p><p> </p><p><strong>C:</strong> Hope the bed bugs bite cum shot</p><p> </p><p>I snort at the text before plugging my phone into the charger and setting it on my nightstand. Soon enough there's a knock on my door and my drunk mother enters.</p><p>"Sweetie... I just want you to know that... whatever happens...mommy always loved you. Good night sweet heart." My mom slurs.</p><p>"What? What do you mean?" I ask. They're not gonna split up are they? Oh god I hope not. I- well actually... No no bad Dova don't think like that.</p><p>"Don't worry about it. Just get some rest hun. Goodnight." Yeah like I could sleep after that.</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>*[ Scott Malkinson]*</strong>
</p><p>After waiting a few minutes, Alpha Wolf finally comes outside, and I jump out of the bushes.</p><p>"Ah ha! Fear not for it is I... Captain Diabetes!"</p><p>Alpha Wolf let's out a snort before greeting me, "Hey Scott. So what are we doing and where are we going?"</p><p>"Well don't you want to know how I got my powers?"</p><p>"Not right now Captain. I just want to do whatever it is that we have to do and be done with it."</p><p>"Oh okay well alright Sidekick, we're-"</p><p>"Please don't call me side kick." Dovahkiin groans.</p><p>"Okay hold up pause the game, are you alright Dovahkiin? You seem kinda tired. Like you didn't sleep at all."</p><p>"That'd be because I didn't. Look I appreciate the concern but seriously can we just get a move on?"</p><p>"Right Right. We're supposed to investigate a girl who might know the location of the missing cats. Follow me." I then begin leading Alpha Wolf towards Kyle's house. Before we can reach it however, we come across Mr. Marsh keying his wife's car.</p><p>"Fuckin' Bitch! Let's see how you like this!" He curses at the car.</p><p>"Really Randy? You're the one keying her car? I should've known." Dovahkiin sighs pinching the bridge of his nose.</p><p>"Don't question me random person that looks oddly familiar!" Mr. Marsh shouts.</p><p>"I am Captain Diabetes and this is my companion Alpha Wolf." I introduce us.</p><p>"Oh okay. Well move out of the way huh? I need to go buy some more beer."</p><p>"Beer is the last thing you need right now Randy." Alpha Wolf replies.</p><p>"I couldn't agree more! I'm sorry sir but Captain Diabetes can not let you drive!" I add on.</p><p>"I'm fine to drive...Ok? Get outta here!" Mr. Marsh slurs, stumbling about. I grab his keys as he's struggling to stand. "Hey! GIMME MY KEYS."</p><p>"Yeah no, Randy you're drunk." Alpha Wolf points out.</p><p>"You are in no condition to drive sir!" I add.</p><p>"I'm fine, Ok? Look wait- look look... I'm fine.... Ok? Gimme my keys please." Mr.Marsh insists, calming down and attempting to stand up straight.</p><p>"I think the fuck not." Alpha Wolf says taking the keys from my hand and pocketing them. "Stan's got enough shit going on right now, last thing he needs is his drunk dad getting in a car crash."</p><p>"Agreed. We shall return your keys tomorrow." I nod.</p><p>"GIMME MY FUCKING KEYS YOU LITTLE SHITS!" Mr.Marsh yells, charging us.</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>After knocking out Randy's drunk ass me and "Captain Diabetes" enter Kyle's house and head upstairs.</p><p>"Kyle's off on another mission right now so we're on our own Alpha Wolf. It's up to us to get to the bottom of this." Scott whispers.</p><p>"Alright, so why are we in his house?" I ask.</p><p>"The shortcut's up there in the attic. The Coon gave us permission to use it."</p><p>"Shouldn't it have been the Human Kite who gave us permission?" I ask.</p><p>"I think he gave permission to the coon who gave it to us or something." He explains. "It's a bit to high for us to reach it. Fear not I can-"</p><p>I throw some of the snap 'n pops that I still have at the latch and watch as the ladder falls. "What was that you were saying?" I ask.</p><p>"Never mind. Nice one. Let's go." We then proceed to climb up the ladder. "This is Human Kite's secret base." Scott informs me.</p><p>I look around a bit. "He's done better than this before, come on Kyle." I mumble. Maybe he wasn't very into it since him and Stan have been fighting. I wonder where Stan even is. Probably with Freedom Pals. But unlike Craig and Tweek, that's not why they're fighting, I know that much at least. Though that probably doesn't help things. Stan won't tell me exactly what happened but from what I can gather, he was (and still is) upset about him and Wendy breaking up again, and Kyle quote on quote "was way too fucking indifferent about it and looked kinda happy."Course I pointed out to him that he agreed with Wendy's reasoning of neither of them being totally in to the relationship and it was almost like they're really just dating for the title but he ignored me. Craig tried to bring up the fact that Stan himself said that he was trying to figure out his sexuality but again he ignored him. I think he thinks Kyle is gonna try and date Wendy because they've started hanging out a lot when in reality Wendy is trying to help Kyle date Stan. Course Stan is absolutely oblivious and doesn't even realize that Kyle is gay. I mean yeah he's technically in the closet but at this point the closet door is wide fucking open.</p><p>Back to the present though. Scott has been going on about how he doesn't like farts and how the attic is really messy but I've just been looking through all the shit in here.</p><p>"Alright enough about me, let's get back to the mission! This shortcut will take us right into the heart of downtown South Park." Scott says moving to the fucking zip line?</p><p>"Uh Huh Yeah this seems totally safe." I grumble sarcastically.</p><p>We then grab hold of the handles and begin sliding down the Zip line a lot slower than I thought we would. Scott begins narrating our descent before asking if I believe Cartman's dumbass reason for Diabetes.</p><p>"No Captain I'm pretty sure the Coon is just stupid and made up a stupid reason to annoy you." I inform him. We then hop off the Zip-line.</p><p>"Right. As I suspected! Come, we must get to the Peppermint Hippo, to the town square!" Scott says walking ahead of me.</p><p>"Great, time for my gay eyes to be burned by giant boobs and lots of unappealing female ass." I groan to myself.</p><p>After passing a bunch of drunk ass Adults and reaching whatever concert is going on, we come face to face with a giant line and a Port-O-Potty. "The Citizens seem to be lured in by this Port-O-Potty. No worries, my Diabetic Rage will do just the trick!" Before I can ask what the fuck that means or suggest just walking around, Scott is sipping on some apple juice before tipping the fuckingPort-O-Potty over. He then proceeds to inject himself with insulin. Ew there's literally shit everywhere now. I would hate to be the person in there. "You see how massively I have learned to control my Diabetes? Now come on."</p><p>"Um Scott isn't that kind of, you know, dangerous as fuck?" I ask.</p><p>"Nonsense, I've got it under control." Scott insists. "Now, Here it is. Here is where we are going to find the girl!" I curl my nose at the already overwhelming scent of sex and perfume mixed with alcohol and lord knows what else. Now I've gotten relatively used to the scent of alcohol and maybe a bit of weed because of my parents but this is just too much. And we aren't even inside yet. I didn't even notice Scott head in through the front entrance. Soon enough he comes back out though. "It appears that we will need to find another way in seeing as they will not let us in unless we are 21. Even if we are superheroes."</p><p>"Great." I sigh. "Maybe the side of the building?" I suggest, walking around to the side. Sure enough I spot a window behind the dumpster lid. I toss snap 'n pops at it and it falls. "Alright we should be able to climb up and-" I'm cut off by the sound of the pay phone being knocked over and hitting the dumpster. I then turn to look at Captain Diabetes and he's injecting insulin into himself again. "Dude, we could've just climbed up onto it. You didn't need to do that." I point out.</p><p>"Ah, I suppose you are right. No matter, onwards!"</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Strippers & Rewinds</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>*[ Scott Malkinson]*</strong>
</p><p>"God it reeks in here." Alpha Wolf complains, pinching his nose.  We have entered through the bathroom of the Peppermint Hippo. We then head into the main room from there. "Oh my god I'm fucking blind. Nope I'm taking my glasses off. You're gonna have to lead me around cause my gay ass can't handle this." Alpha Wolf says taking off his glasses and grabbing onto my shoulder.</p><p>Maybe his Kryptonite should have been naked ladies then. Oh well. "Right, Uh well. That might be slightly problematic. We are super heroes after all. No matter we should be able to handle this. One of these ladies has information about the missing cats."</p><p>"Yeah but there's a shit ton of them. How the hell are we supposed to find the right girl?" Alpha wolf questions.</p><p>"We're gonna have to find someone and bring them to the VIP room. Wait by the here by the entrance while I go find some one." I say leaving Alpha Wolf by the room. I soon find some rather intoxicated gentlemen and convince them to follow me. "Alright I found a couple guys to help us out, just play along." I whisper to Dova.</p><p>He slowly puts his glasses back on and glares at the guys. "Hey, you two girls ready to party?" One slurs.</p><p>"So this is your friend huh? Seems pretty muscley but that's kinda hot." I have to elbow Alpha Wolf when he starts growling lowly.</p><p>"That's right! Wouldn't you like to take her to VIP?"</p><p>"I dunno she's got those weird wolf ears on."</p><p>"I like that though. You take the one with the speech impediment."</p><p>"Alright come on let's go in there and get some dances."</p><p>"I was thinking we could go in there and just talk." I suggest.</p><p>"Yeah, first we get dances then we talk."</p><p>"Oh. Okay." I say, heading inside. "Come on Alpha."</p><p>We head in and I start giving the brown haired gentleman his lap dance while Alpha Wolf just sits next to the other. He doesn't look very happy.</p><p>"So, have either of you gentlemen ever had a dance form a girl with a penis tattoo?" I ask.</p><p>"Hey we didn't come back here to talk baby." The man I'm giving a dance to responds.</p><p>"Yeah, no talking until you finish grinding on our chubs." The one next to Dova adds.</p><p>"Oh, Alright. Okay Alpha, you know what that means."</p><p>"It means I'm gonna bite this dudes fucking arm off." He says getting up.</p><p>"Hold up where the Fuck do you think you're going?" The man says grabbing Alpha Wolf by the arm and trying to pull him back.</p><p>"Let. Me. Go." He growls out.</p><p>"No way! Not until- OW! What the fuck!" And Dova bit him.</p><p>"Did she just fucking bite you?"</p><p>"Yeah! She fucking bit me!"</p><p>"Well he did warn you." I say.</p><p>"He? Wait what the fuck you're both guys!?" The dude behind me shouts. I proceed to jump off of him and stand by Dovahkiin's side while the two drunken gentlemen stand side by side.</p><p>"Yeah and why the fuck do you want to know about Classi so much? You hopping to get it on with her?"</p><p>"Her name is Classi?" I ask.</p><p>"Yeah Classi with an I and a dick that hangs of the C and fucks the L out of the A-S-S. Why the fuck do you care?"</p><p>"Because I am Captain Diabetes and this here is my superhero companion Alpha Wolf!" I inform them.</p><p>"What? What kind of superhero bites some one asking for a lap dance!?"</p><p>"One that has some fucking pride." Alpha Wolf growls.</p><p>"My companion and I simply used our power of disguise to extract information from you."</p><p>"Hey you won't get away with this Captain Diabetes and Alpha Wolf!"</p><p> </p><p>
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  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>We finish off the horny drunk dudes an- and that sounded wrong. Let me rephrase. We beat- no. We crushed the assholes into a bloody fucking pulp. There we go. And now we're back in Boobs ville. Ugh. I'm just gonna keep my head down to the ground.</p><p>"Alright, now what the hell do we do? We know her name but we don't know where she is." I ask.</p><p>"Hmm. Ah that's it! The DJ calls the bitches' names and they come out of that back room."</p><p>"So what we just wait for him to call out her name?"</p><p>"Nah that'll take to long. We need to distract the DJ."</p><p>"I mean he keeps asking for a drink so maybe get him one and do something to it or something?" I suggest.</p><p>"Yes of course! Gin and Tonic always knocks my mom out. If we can get one and spike it with something really strong or add a bunch of nasty things, he'll be out for sure!"</p><p>"Alright, you try and find a Gin and Tonic and I'll find all the nasty shit." I say walking towards the door that says "Private" on it.</p><p>"Right! Meet back here once you've found everything." Scott says going off in search of the alcoholic beverage. After entering the what I guess is the kitchen/ storage area, I put on some rubber gloves so that I don't actually have to touch any of the nasty shit. I picked up some rat poop and put it into an extra glove before back tracking a little. I then blow up the Stove cause I mean it doesn't look like anyone's used it in years anyways.This resulted in a jar of what appears to be boogers and cum (god I'm gonna barf) breaking open. I then hold my breath and close one of my eyes before scooping some up and putting it in the glove with the rat poop. I then head back out to the main area and pour the stuff into the drink that Scott got. I then carefully remove my gloves like they taught us in science class and throw them away.</p><p>"Okay I'm gonna vomit just looking at that. That is if the smell doesn't make me first." I say putting my shirt over my nose.</p><p>"Hmm. I don't know I think it needs one more thing." Captain Diabetes says. Okay this is just gonna be for a bit of pay back for trying to get me to give that guy a lap dance. I turn around and let one rip in the drink. Scott proceeds to freak out  before apologizing and once again tells me about how angry farts make him. "Alright this'll knock the DJ out long enough for us to call out Classi for sure." He then grabs the drink (with his bare hand which is fucking nasty) and we walk over to give it to the DJ. He thanks us for bringing him his favorite Drink, takies a sip, and then he's running off to the bathroom instantly. Scott then proceeds to hop up onto the DJ's booth and calls out Classi. After repeating her name a few times she finally walks out.</p><p>"Ay, what you callin' me out for!? I ain't on stage yet!" Oh great Classi is Sassy. Classi then turns to look at us and instantly realized that we aren't the DJ.</p><p>"It's her Alpha Wolf!"</p><p>"Oh shit it's the 5-0! Cops are here!" I mean I can't say she's wrong cause there are some police officers here but it's not fucking us.</p><p>"After her!" Scott yells running up the stairs to the stage and into the back room. Yeah cause that's not gonna make her freak out even more.</p><p>I follow Scott and we enter the room where I guess the strippers get ready and shit. Of course the moment we enter, Classi yells "They after me ladies! Stop em!" After that the strippers start yelling at us about how we aren't aloud back here and need to leave.</p><p>"Stand aside ladies, Captain Diabetes and Alpha Wolf need to question that stripper!" Scott informs them.</p><p>"You wanna get to her, then you're gonna have to go through us!" One of the strippers responds.</p><p>"Bring it on!" The stripper with a deeper voice says, bringing up her fists in a fighting position.</p><p>"But we just- Oh fuck it okay fine fight time I guess." I groan, launching into battle.</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>So I nearly just died from being crushed by an ass. There are probably worse ways to go but still. And why the hell is this room so fucking long? Whatever at least we've reached the end of-</p><p>"Uh-Uh you'll never take me alive!" Classi says running out the door.</p><p>"Oh for fucks sake." I groan out, rubbing at a bump on my head. Ow. So many fucking Strippers.</p><p>"Come on! We can't let her get away!" Scott says running outside after her.We get outside and Classi is banging on the door to the Italian restaurant saying that the cops are here.</p><p>"We are fucking seventh graders, in what fucked up world would we be able to be cops." I grumble out.</p><p>The Italian dude tells Classi to get inside and then pulls a fucKING GUN ON US OKAY WHAT THE HELL!? "Go on scram! I ain't afraid to use this thing!" He then proceeds to shoot upwards as a warning aaaand- OkAy HE is DeAD nOw. The fucking sign fell on him all right what the shit that's- Scott is trying to lift it. Of course it's not Fucking working cause it's too big but he's not even fucking phased by that! What the hell is wrong with the people in this town!? Like I've been here three years now and I'm still apparently the only one that questions this shit.</p><p>"Even my diabetic rage can't lift this sign." Scott huffs out, giving up.</p><p>"Well no shit it's giant." I say.</p><p>"Yeah... oh oh god... too much... uh I need insulin... My- I need my..." Scott says shaking the bottles he has.</p><p>"Uh Scott are you- are you okay? You have more insulin than just those two bottles right?" I ask. Please say yes, oh please please PLEASE say yes.</p><p>"I.. no Oh no! Oh God! I'm out of Insulin!"</p><p>"Oh shit okay um hang on stay calm, god this is why I said you shouldn't do that!" I say trying but failing to hide the panic in my voice.</p><p>"Dovahkiin! Oh god you have to help me!" Scott says shaking me.</p><p>"Okay okay just-"</p><p>"I- I'm going into diabetic shock!"</p><p>"I'm very aware of that but freaking out definitely isn't gonna help! Okay um I uh-I can-I"</p><p>"I'm dying! Oh god I'm dying! Somebody please! Please!" Scott cries out falling to his knees.</p><p>FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck "Its Okay! It's okay you're not gonna die! No Fucking way! I- I can fix this I'm I I I" I don't know what the fuck to do! How the hell can I fix this!?</p><p>I try to hold onto Scott in a weak attempt to ground him some how but I don't think he even realizes I'm here. "I'm dying! Mom! Mom I'm dying! Help please! please.. Uh? Huh? Uhh-"</p><p>"Scott? Scott? SCOTT!? H-HOLY SHIT OH FUCK" I try shaking him awake but he's Fucking dead! Oh god. I can't-there's two fucking dead people here oh god oh fuck. Okay okay um oh god I'm panicking! I'm getting fucking flash backs!I don't even fucking register that my phone is ringing let alone that I've answered it. But I guess I did cause I hear Cartman's voice talking to me.</p><p>"This is Coon checking in... How's Woah. You okay there Alpha Wolf?"</p><p>"Scott's dead."</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"Scott's Fucking dead Cartman! He went into fucking Diabetic shock and he Fucking died!" I shout at him tears streaming down my face.</p><p>"Oh... Oh shit I mean, you can like do something right? Maybe you have like some magical time farts or some-"</p><p>"THIS ISNT A FUCKING JOKE CARTMAN HE'S LEGITIMATELY DEAD! THIS ISNT A FUCKING GAME I JUST WATCHED HIM FUCKING DIE!" I shout at him.</p><p>Cartman Just remains silent for a while. "Im just gonna go... keep me updated Dovahkiin." Cartman says hanging up. Some fucking friend he is. You know, I'm only having a fucking panic attack over the fact that my friend-though I don't really know him that well or hang out with him- just Fucking died and he just hangs up and tells me to keep him updated? What the actual fuck Eric!? He doesn't- was that Morgan Freeman calling my name?</p><p>"You know what makes my farts super bad? Handcrafted tex-mex."What in the actual fuck? Is Morgan Freeman telepathically talking to me about farts? "Not just any handcrafted tex-mex. It's got to be something extra special." Okay I'm freaking out even more now. I've gone absolutely insane what the shit. "You know what to do Dovahkiin"</p><p>"No I fucking don't!" I cry out towards the sky in utter hysteria.</p><p>"Eat the enchirito and fart dipshit."Morgan Freeman responds.</p><p>"I? What? Okay Fucking sure!" I honestly don't even know why I still have that but whatever. I eat the enchirito and let out a massive fucking fart aaaaaand what the fuck. Did, did I just rewind fucking time by farting? Holy fuck Cartman was right about something.</p><p>"Ah- I'm alive? What happened? Who are you? Ahh!" The Italian guy from before drops his gun and runs inside.</p><p>"Wait a minute... What happened? I though I died from diabetes!" Scott says looking at me and patting himself in confusion, checking if he's actually here. I... I am so confused. Scott's going on about something and oh hey the worlds getting darker and I'm going down! Woo! Ugh.</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Breadsticks and Wine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>0•0Cartman's POV0•0</strong>
</p><p>I take my phone out of my pocket to see I'm getting a call from- Scott Malkinson? I thought Dova said he died? Whatever. "Coon! We found the female! But she's escaped to the Italian restaurant! Also Alpha Wolf has fainted from well I'm not too sure what but I think it's from farting back in time. We need some back up."</p><p>Oh shit he actually does have time fart powers. I was just joking about that but sweet. " ALRIGHT! All Coon Friends to the Bucca de Faggoncini!" I send out a snap to the rest of the Coon Friends before heading towards the restaurant. I arrive at the restaurant and decide that I might as well get a table and order some food. After a while I notice Captain Diabetes dragging in an unconscious Alpha Wolf. They both seem pretty roughed up. Ah well it's the life of a superhero.</p><p>"Cartman What the fuck are you doing?" I turn to look at Human Kite as I bite into a bread stick.</p><p>"It's the Coon, and you guys were talking to long." I respond.</p><p>"You are so- Oh holy shit, Scott what the fuck happened to Dova?" Human Kite says going over to help Scott drag him over.</p><p>"I'm not sure exactly. I remember dying and then hearing and smelling a fart and then I was back before the sign fell on the Italian guy. After that he just fainted."</p><p>"Wait what? You died and Dova farted, rewound time to bring not only you back, but also some Italian guy? Well no fucking wonder he fainted!" Super Craig says, arriving with Mosquito.</p><p>"Didn't you call them to check on how they were doing like you did the rezzzt of us?" Mosquito asks me.</p><p>"Yes and Alpha Wolf told me Scott was dead and he was freaking out and not making sense so I  hung up on him." I respond. They all just glare at me. "What?"</p><p>"WHAT THE FUCK CARTMAN!?" Both Kyle and Craig yell at me.</p><p>"What?" I ask again.</p><p>"SCOTT FUCKING DIED AND YOU JUST HUNG UP ON DOVA AND DID NOTHING!?" Kyle yells.</p><p>"Well it's not like I could do anything about it if he was already dead! Besides what does it matter? He's alive now." I say defending myself.</p><p>"DOVAHKIIN WAS HAVING A FUCKING PANIC ATTACK! YOU COULD'VE AT LEAST TRIED TO CALM HIM DOWN! YOU COULD'VE DONE FUCKING ANYTHING AND IT WOULD'VE BEEN BETTER THAN HANGING UP!" Craig yells at me.</p><p>"I mean I tried to joke with him at first but he just got mad!"</p><p>"NO SHIT HE GOT MAD! OUR FRIEND HAD DIED AND YOU JUST TELL A JOKE?" Mosquito yells.</p><p>"Um Guys-"</p><p>"Well what the fuck was I supposed to do?" I yell back.</p><p>"Should I go finish the mission or-"</p><p>"YOU COULD'VE TRIED TO CALM HIM DOWN! OR AT LEAST CALL ME OR CRAIG TO CALM HIM DOWN! OH AND MAYBE I DONT KNOW CALL 911!" Kyle yells.</p><p>"Hey, it's fine! I'm fine now so-"</p><p>"IF I HAD DONE THAT THEN OUR MISSION WOULD'VE BEEN COMPLETELY RUINED! BESIDES YOU WOULD'VE CALLED KENNY! AND HE-"</p><p>"FUCK THE MISSION! IF ONE OF US FUCKING DIES THAT TAKES PRIORITY!" Mosquito shouts.</p><p>"AND I CAN GUARANTEE YOU THAT KENNY WILL BE FINDING OUT ABOUT THIS EITHER WAY!" Craig yells at me.</p><p>"EVEN IF DOVA DOESN'T TELL HIM I FUCKING WILL CAUSE WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK CARTMAN!?"</p><p>"HEY!" We all turn to see Dovahkiin sitting up and holding his head. "Can you all shut the fuck up and explain to me what in the actual fuck is going on?"</p><p>"You fainted after apparently rewound time and saved me and now they're all yelling at the Coon for not doing anything when he called you." Captain Diabetes explains.</p><p>"Oh for- Okay we can all beat up Cartman later but can we please just deal with fucking Classi first?" Alpha Wolf requests.</p><p>"Yes of course, you all go do that while-"</p><p>"Cartman, If you want me to fucking stay on Coon and Friends you are going to come with us." Dovahkiin says.</p><p>"Hey fellas! What did I m-miss?" Jimmy greets, finally arriving. "What's with all the t-t-tension?" We all just turn to stare at Fast Past. "What? Did I m-miss something?"</p><p>"Don't worry about it. Come on." Dovahkiin says sighing. "Anyways, where'd the stripper go?"</p><p>"Dunno. I didn't see her. Maybe she's in the back." I suggest.</p><p>"Alright then let's fucking go."</p><p>"Are you sure you're up for it Alpha Wolf? You l-look a bit worse for wares." Fast Past asks.</p><p>"I've been worse." Is his grumbled response.</p><p>"Cause that's a reassuring answer." Super Craig says rolling his eyes.</p><p>"I'm fine. Come on let's just go." Alpha Wolf says leading us into the kitchen.</p><p>
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  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>Okay so we just beat up a bunch of Italian cooks. I mean they're the ones that attacked us but I guess we are kinda trespassing. Whatever.</p><p>"Classi must have gone this way, but the path is barricaded." Scott points towards the shit ton of wine barrels and crap.</p><p>"What are we supposed to do then? Climb it?" Craig asks.</p><p>"Well while you guys do that I'm gonna go make sure the food we ordered doesn't go to waste." Cartman says.</p><p>"You ordered food? What the fuck fatass!?" Kyle yells at him.</p><p>"It's not good to fight crime on an empty stomach." Cartman argues, leaving the kitchen.</p><p>"Should zzzomebody tell him that he izn't gonna get his food now that we've beat up the chefz." Clyde asks. The buzzing is kinda annoying but I guess that's the point isn't it?</p><p>"Are you guys all good here or...?" Craig asks.</p><p>"Yeah I think we've got it form here. Though if you could go shove a couple breadsticks up Cartman's nose that'd be great." I respond.</p><p>"We'll get right on that then." Clyde salutes us before leaving the kitchen.</p><p>"Good luck guys." Kyle says leaving as well.</p><p>"I'm gonna shove this wooden spoon up his ass." Craig says as he leaves.</p><p>I just shake my head and turn back to Scott. "Hmmm, What to do what to do?" He mumbles.</p><p>"What're you thinking Scott?" I ask.</p><p>"Well, I could easily lift this out of the way but I can't use my apple juice without my insulin to bring me back down." He explains.</p><p>"How strong are you without your 'diabetic rage' Scott?" I ask, looking at the keg or whatever it is that's in front of us.</p><p>"I'm still pretty strong, but not nearly enough to lift this. Why do you ask?"</p><p>"You might not be able to lift it alone but I bet we could lift this together." I say.</p><p>"Yes of course! With my diabetes and your wolf powers we should be able to move this without even needing my diabetic rage! You are a genius Alpha Wolf! Come, let us lift this!" Scott says.</p><p>Scott and I both grab hold of the bottom of the keg thing. "Alright, on three Okay?" Scott nods. "1...2....3!" We both lift the thing and manage to tip it over.</p><p>"We did it! If we are ever in a dire situation like that again, know that you can call on me to assist you!" Scott says.</p><p>"Cool. Come on let's go, I smell a bunch of cat piss coming form that door." I say nodding towards it. Sure enough, once we step through we are met with a bunch of cats in cages.</p><p>"Holy guacamole! What is this?" Scott questions. "We've gotta call the guys!" Scott says facetiming, Cartman.</p><p>"Ow! You fuckin! STOP HITTING ME WITH THE SPOON!" A bloody nosed Cartman yells. "Agh, what's up Captain Diabetes? What did you find?</p><p>"A room full of Fucking cats." I respond, trying not to laugh at the breadstick creeping towards his nose.</p><p>"Is- FUCK OFF KAYHL! Is scrambles one of them?"</p><p>"Uhh...Negative. None of them are fat and old." Scott responds looking around at them.</p><p>"And what about the- STOP TRYING TO SHOVE BREADSTICKS UP MY NOSE GOD DAMMIT! I FUCKED UP OKAY I GET IT! God. What about the girl?"</p><p>"Wow you actually admitted to fucking up. Congratulations."</p><p>"Shut up Wolf."</p><p>"We're still trying to track Classi down." Scott answers his question.</p><p>"Alright we have to find out what she knows. Get- *SMACK* OW CRAIG YOU MOTHER-" his sentence is cut off by a wooden spoon wacking him on the head followed by evil laughter, and then the end call beeps.</p><p>"Alright well on to the next room I guess." I say, lifting one of the cat crates and moving it to the side. It meows and hisses in protest. "Oh shut up, we're helping you in the long run." I growl out at the feline.</p><p>We then stop right in front of the door. "Hmm sounds like there could be trouble behind this door." Scott says putting his ear against it.</p><p>"Uh yeah I know. Wolf hearing, remember?" I say twitching my ear.</p><p>"Oh right. Get ready." Ready for what?</p><p>"1..." is he gonna break down the door?</p><p>"2..." why not just open it? He hasn't even check to see if it's locked.</p><p>"Diabetes!" And he broke down the door. And now we are standing in front of a fucking group of Italian mafia members playing fucking poker or some shit. Greeeat.</p><p>"See! I told you the fuckin cops were chasing me!" Classi says pointing towards us.</p><p>"And you led them here you stupid bitch?"</p><p>"Uh-uh, who you calling a stupid bitch? Do I look like your mama!"</p><p>"Cookiecutter come back aside, the fact that you think a couple of boys who are barely even teenagers are fucking cops makes all of you pretty damn stupid." I huff out.</p><p>"The jig is up Classi!" God fucking- Why does Scott just make everything worse? If he hadn't chase after her sounding like he was gonna arrest her or whatever none of this would've happened. Whatever, I don't really care anymore.</p><p>"Yeah hold on a moment how would these kids be cops?" Wow people actually listened to me for once. I mean I don't think Scott did but whatever.</p><p>"That ain't no cop... that's Captain Diabetes! When he was born his mom farted during labor and it gave him diabetes that he now uses to fight crime!" The fat balding one explains. How in the actual fuck does he know who Scott is? Let alone his dumbass backstory. Not that mine is any better. Ugh.</p><p>"That is not how people get diabetes!" Scott responds.</p><p>"If they aren't cops then we can shoot 'em. Along with this bitch too!" One of them says, all of them pulling out guns.</p><p>"Um I think the fuck not! Pretty sure that shit is still illegal you know!" I say, backing away from them.</p><p>"Aw shit y'all turnin on me? I knew I shouldn't have went into business with y'all Tony Soprano-lookin mother fuckers."</p><p>"Why does this shit always happen when we are playing a fucking game." I groan, the Italians backing us up so we're on the same side of the room as Classi.</p><p>"So long... Captain Diabetes. Let's see you're Diabetes save you now!" The fat balding one says, cocking the gun. Luckily a beat up, drunk as shit, pants down Randy Marsh comes bursting through the door yelling. Only in fucking South Park everyone. Only in fucking South Park.</p><p>"I WANT MY KEEEEYS!" Are you serious? He's made it this fucking far why didn't he just walk to the fucking store? And how the hell did he know we were here? Oh well he's kinda saved our asses now.</p><p>"I don't have your keys man!"</p><p>"Aaaahh!" Holy shit Randy just fucking tossed him into the wall.</p><p>"He's wasted on red wine!"</p><p>"Red Wine drunk is the worst kinda drunk there is!" Randy then proceeds to beat up the rest of the mafia guys as well before they eventually run away. Oh joy. And we're the ones that took his keys.</p><p>"All Right Captain Diabetes, Alpha Wolf... This is it... give me... my fucking keys!"</p><p>"Randy you are in even worse condition than you were before! You've made it this far, just fucking walk!" I respond.</p><p>"Then DIIIIIIEEEE" Randy takes one more sip of wine before throwing the glass to the side and charging us. Well shit.</p><p>
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</p><p>So luckily the other guys came in to help us defeat Randy, AGAIN. Now we've all turned to look at Classi.</p><p>"Alright Alright. Shit! Look, all I know is that there is a kingpin trying to get new higher grade drugs put on the streets." Jesus Christ what are we getting ourselves into? We just want a cat for fucks sake! "It's somebody trying to bring the Italian And Chinese crime families together and shit."</p><p>"Enough small talk! Where is Scrambles."</p><p>"Jesus Christ Cartman." I groan out face palming.</p><p>"Scrambles?" Classi asks, surprised and confused.</p><p>"We need this reward money for our superhero franchise." He replies, holding up the flier.</p><p>"I'm pretty fucking sure there's more important shit going on then that Coon." I growl out.</p><p>"Alpha Wolf, nothing is more important than the franchise."</p><p>"You are so-"</p><p>"Just relax Alpha Wolf there's no point in arguing with him." Craig says patting my shoulder.</p><p>"Right yeah sure fine!" I say throwing up my arms. God I'm exhausted.</p><p>"Oh shit y'all just want a cat?"</p><p>"APPARENTLY!" </p><p>"Come, let us go somewhere where it's safer to talk. To the coon lair!" Cartman says waddling away.</p><p>"You're the only reasonable one in the group aren't cha." Classi asks me. "Like the rest of your little friends don't seem to really care about all the crazy shit going on but you are actually confused and shit.</p><p>"Yeah pretty much. Probably cause I haven't lived here my whole life."</p><p>"How are you not used to this yet dude?" Craig asks.</p><p>"I don't fuckin know."</p><p>"How long have you lived here then? I've lived here for a while but like I can tell when shits getting even weirder than it normally is.</p><p>"Three years." I respond rubbing my eyes and yawning.</p><p>"You said y'all were barely teenagers earlier right? What the hell are y'all doing up?"</p><p>"This bull shit." I say gesturing to everything around us.</p><p>"Damn. Y'all are serious about being superheroes but like when are y'all gonna sleep? Like you seem tired as shit honey."</p><p>"That'd be because he just hardly sleeps in general." Craig answers for me.</p><p>"Why's that?"</p><p>"Parents seem to think I'm fucking deaf and like to yell their heads off until they pass out." I respond.</p><p>"Shit. I know what that's like. But you got that whole wolf thing goin on so I bet you hear everything."</p><p>"Yeah pretty much." I yawn out again. We've finally reached Cartman's house and have headed down to the basem- ahem, Coon lair.</p><p>Classi started talking about random shit but honestly I kinda passed out. I don't wake up again until Cartman apparently noticed I was sleeping and starts shaking me.</p><p>"Hey! Alpha Wolf! What the-"</p><p>"Aw come on let 'em sleep, I don't care. He's been through enough shit tonight and he'll have to go through more at home." Classi says.</p><p>"Well-*Yaaaaawn* I'm up now. Kind of." </p><p>"Well shit. Ah well at least you fuckin got some sleep Jesus. Anyways as I was saying before fatty decided to be a dick-"</p><p>"Hey!"</p><p>"-I ain't sellin' myself over to some high-payin' n**** talkin' 'bout trying to make more money off crime and shit."</p><p>"Classi! Classi! I'm sorry but what about the cats?" Cartman asks.</p><p>"Pretty sure that shits also important but you actually bring up a good point for once Coon. What the hell do cats have to do with all of this?"</p><p>"Oh the cats? Ok that's this little Asian freak named Yakibaba or some shit. He's goin around payin' all these 9th graders to take people's cats. That's fucked up! I think takin' that pussy is like takin' mine know what I'm sayin'? That's like criminal shit." Classi explains. Okay but like why?</p><p>"Where do the cats go?" Kyle asks.</p><p>"I can tell you, but I ain't sayin' shit until I know I'm safe. These n***** ain't playin' and I need to know you gonna protect my ass!"</p><p>"Eric Cartman!" Oh fuck. "Do you have any idea what time it is? This is a school night!"</p><p>"Mom not now, we're seriously on to something." How his mom has never beaten his ass I don't know. I know if I was his parent I would've a long time ago. I mean I'm not one for child abuse or hitting your children but Jesus, Eric is an ass.</p><p>"You kids all get home now or I'm calling your parents!"</p><p>"Fuckin bye asshole! Sorry Mrs. Cartman!" I say launching out of my seat with the rest of the guys.</p><p>"Sorry Mrs. Cartman! Please don't tell my mom!" Kyle says running up the stairs right besides me.</p><p>As we're bolting out the door I hear her talk about Classi followed by Cartman ordering Jimmy to take her to his house.</p><p>"I don't think I've ever seen you move so fast in your life Dova. Well other than that time you ran to tackle Kenny out of the street so he wouldn't get hit by a car." Craig says as we leave the house. We wave to Kyle and walk in the opposite direction as him.</p><p>"Which time would that be? That's happened like three times this month." I respond dryly.</p><p>"Touché. How you gonna sneak back in?" He asks as we stop in front of my house.</p><p>"Same way I snuck out, through the front door. My mom was passed out in their room or something while my dad was passed out on the couch. That's probably still the case considering there's no yelling coming from the house." I say with a yawn.</p><p>"Alright well actually get some fucking sleep then dude." Craig says pushing me a bit before walking away. "See ya Dov!"</p><p>"Bye Craig!" I respond through a yawn.</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. At School</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>|•|Kenny's POV|•|</strong>
</p><p>"Jesus Dovahkiin what the hell did Cartman have you doing last night?" I ask my boyfriend who is literally asleep against his locker. He launches himself off of it in surprise and I am barely able to catch him before he hits the ground.</p><p>"Heya Ken." He yawns out rubbing his eyes.</p><p>"Did you get any sleep last night? Did that fatass seriously have you out all night? I swear to-"</p><p>"No no. Though we were for the most of it." He pauses to yawn. "But then his mom caught us and sent us home."</p><p>"So you just didn't sleep. Dovyyyyyy." I whine rubbing his arm. "You need your sleep!"</p><p>"I know I know! Just, after what happened last night I- never mind."</p><p>"What? What happened?"</p><p>"Don't worry about it, it was nothing. Come on let's just get to class." He says dodging the question. He dumps his shit in his locker and proceeds to slam it shut.</p><p>"Look I get that the guys will be pissed if you talk about your mission or whatever with me, but if something bad happened I want to know!"</p><p>"It's not that Kenny." He says shaking his head, "Nothing happened. I was just scarred by the strip club."</p><p>He is totally lying out his ass. "Strip club? Why the hell were you at a strip Club?" I ask.</p><p>"Relax Kenny it was a straight one. Which was why I was so scarred by it."</p><p>"That doesn't answer my question." I respond as we walk into class .</p><p>"Well I can't exactly tell you why so meh." He responds sticking out his tongue at me.</p><p>I roll my eyes and stick my tongue right back at him. "Meh to you too."</p><p>"God you weren't kidding when you said you were both childish. It's like you're made for each other." Craig quips as we take our seats.</p><p>"I'm pretty sure out of everyone in this room, minus Cartman-"</p><p>"Fuck you Stan!"</p><p>"- you and Tweek are the most childish."</p><p>"HEY! DONT LUMP ME IN WITH HIM!" They say in unison while pointing at each other.</p><p>"Wait you're still broken up? After all that shit we went through in 4th grade to get you assholes together?" Pete asks. "I thought you guys made up like two months ago." The goths are slightly less goth now and actually hang with us every now and then. And they go to class some what regularly.</p><p>"Shut the fuck up Pete no body asked you!" Craig yells at him flipping him off. Pete returns it and Tweek then starts yelling at Craig for "being mean to Pete." The two keep arguing back and forth like an old married couple.</p><p>"Oh my god just shut the fuck up! Sorry I even brought this up!" Stan shouts at them. They both just huff and turn away from each other like the angry pissy children that they are. "Anyways, what were you two arguing about when you walked in anyways?" Stan asks.</p><p>"Dova won't say why he was at a strip club last night."</p><p>"Dude. What in the actual hell." Stan questions.</p><p>"Mission." Craig replies dully.</p><p>"Ah. Okay. Is that why you look like a complete and utter mess fluff face?"</p><p>"Mmhmm. Didn't sleep. To many exposed females."</p><p>"Is that really the only reason you didn't sleep last night?" Craig asks with a raised brow.</p><p>"Okay so something else did happen then."</p><p>"What? What happened?" Kyle asks sitting down next to me. And suddenly Stan isn't interested anymore. Hypocrite. Still don't really know why he's mad at Kyle and Kyle refuses to give me any clues either.</p><p>"That's what I want to know." I say glancing at the three Coon Friends. Kyle just tilts his head.</p><p>"Nothing happened Kenny. Everything is fine now." Dov insists, throwing an arm over his eyes as he leans back in his chair.</p><p>"Dovahk-"</p><p>"Not a word Craig." He cuts him off, pointing at him with his free hand. Craig huffs and puts his hands up in surrender.</p><p>I turn and raise an eyebrow at Kyle who now has on a look of understanding. "I'll tell you later." Kyle whispers.</p><p>"No you fucking won't Kyle." Dovahkiin responds. Right, super hearing.</p><p>"Fine fine." Kyle says. He then shows me his crossed fingers and mouths 'yes I will.'</p><p>
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  <strong>$~Stan's POV~$</strong>
</p><p>"So other than the strip club and apparently the Italian restaurant-"</p><p>"How did-"</p><p>"-dude it was all over the news. 'The Wolf vigilante and a kid with Diabetes took down the Italian crime family.'" I respond to Dova. He simply face plants the lunch table again with a groan.</p><p>"Anyways, aside from that, what else happened?"</p><p>"I took your Dad's keys and fought him a few times to prevent him from drunk driving." Dova responds.  "Oh yeah, here. Give 'em to him. Or don't. Probably don't." He says tossing them on the table.</p><p>"Oh yeah thanks for that dude." I take them and pocket them. "But uh, I was kinda referring to whatever the fuck it is you're trying to hide from Kenny." I get nothing but light snoring in response.</p><p>I then turn to look at Craig. He lets out a sigh before glancing at Dova. "So basically, from what I understand, Scott drank some apple juice to try and lift a sign which had fallen on some mafia dude so that they could get into the restaurant. But he had already done that several times prior that night and ran out of insulin. So not only did Dova watch a guy get crushed by a sign but he also watched Scott slowly die in front of his eyes."</p><p>"Wait But Scott was-"</p><p>"I'll get to that. So Cartman had like, called to check and see how things were doing right after that, apparently made a joke and hang up on Dovahkiin having a panic attack. Then Dova somehow farted back in fucking time, bringing back Scott, lifting the sign and bringing the mafia dude back to life. He then fainted out of shock and confusion."  Craig explains.</p><p>"Jesus Christ! No wonder he didn't fucking sleep! And Cartman just fucking hung up on him and left him to panic!?"</p><p>"Yep. I beat him with a wooden spoon from the kitchen of the restaurant while Clyde and Kyle violently shoved breadsticks up his nose. Jimmy just didn't know what the fuck happened cause he arrived  after Dov woke up and told us to shut up."</p><p>"Damn dude. So I guess he doesn't want Ken to know cause he'll literally murder Cartman and baby the shit out of him."</p><p>"That and I think he doesn't want Kenny to worry. Don't think he realizes that not telling him makes him worry more."</p><p>"Hypocrite."</p><p>"Right back at you Marsh."</p><p>"Speaking of Kenny, it looks like Kyle told him."</p><p>"WHAT!" Dovahkiin says launching up from his slouched position.</p><p>"You weren't really asleep were you ass munch?" Craig questions.</p><p>"I was half asleep." He murmurs in response. He then starts to get up when he sees Kenny heading straight for Cartman.</p><p>"Nah dude let it happen. Cartman deserves it." I say reaching over the table and grabbing his arm.</p><p>"But-"</p><p>"Look Kyle's already there to make sure he doesn't do something too stupid and we'll intervene if we need to." Craig says, placing his hand on the shoulder opposite to the arm I'm holding.</p><p>"Fine." Dova grumbles slowly sitting down.</p><p>We watch as the pissed Kenny taps Cartman on the shoulder. He turns to face him and before Cartman can even open his mouth, *SLAP* "THAT IS FOR NOT DOING SHIT WHEN YOU HEARD A FRIEND DIED! *SLAP* THAT IS FOR HANGING UP ON MY BOYFRIEND WHEN HE WAS HAVING A PANIC ATTACK! *SLAP* THAT IS FOR MAKING HIM LOSE MORE SLEEP OVER A DAMN MISSION! AND THIS," Kenny shouts, kneeing him in the stomach, " IS FOR JUST BEING A PIECE OF SHIT IN GENERAL!"  He proceeds to punch him and then walk away towards our table. Once Kenny has sat down next to Dova, and Kyle a two backpack distance away besides me, the Cafeteria erupts into cheers, whistles, and applauds.</p><p>"Why the fuck didn't you tell me?" Kenny asks turning to the already cowering wolf boy.</p><p>"You kinda just demonstrated why." He responds. Kenny let's out a huff and brings Dov's head to his shoulder. He then begins running his fingers through his hair and occasionally scratching his wolf ears.</p><p>Once he's lured him into a false sense of security he says. "You know I worry about you and I want to be able to help when something is wrong." Dov just let's out a groan and pulls away from Kenny's shoulder in favor of laying his head back on the table.</p><p>"He's got a point Dov. You kinda have a slight tendency to let your own problems pile up in favor of dealing with other people's." Kyle points out.</p><p>"Do not."</p><p>"Yes you do." Craig rolls his eyes.</p><p>"Do not."</p><p>"Do too." I say shaking my head.</p><p>"Lies."</p><p>"Truths." Kenny responds.</p><p>"Dova you are trying to help me deal with the whole Tweek shit while you yourself, are having trouble at home." Craig points out.</p><p>"Okay But I'm always having trouble at home. That doesn't really count." He grumbles in reply.</p><p>"Dude if anything that doubles the magnitude of what we're trying to say." Kyle says.</p><p>"No it-"</p><p>"Okay well what about Butters? He almost always has something going on at home too! And yet you are always there to help him out when you yourself are usually in somewhat similar situations." Kenny cuts him off.</p><p>"Okay but-"</p><p>"Look Dov. All we're asking is for you to stop lying and saying that you are fine when in reality you're literally losing sleep over the shit that's going on." I say, gesturing to his hunched over form.</p><p>He lets out a sigh before placing his chin on his hands and giving up. "Alright, Alright I'll try to stop bottling shit up. But don't expect me to just suddenly confide absolutely everything in you guys though."</p><p>"Course not. Baby steps." Kenny says with a small smile, and resumes his previous petting like actions in his boyfriend's hair. Judging by the wagging tail and relaxed sigh, Dovahkiin is enjoying it.</p><p>Wish I had someone to do that to me. But Wendy broke up with me awhile ago and, Kyle... I glance at him through the corner of my eye and watch as he grumpily picks at his food. Well I don't know what to think of Kyle anymore. I don't think he's trying to get with Wendy but I feel like she might be trying to get with him? I don't know. I also don't know who I'm actually jealous of or mad at or whatever I'm feeling and why I'm feeling it. Not to mention the whole Coon and friends vs Freedom pals. But I mean like I'm fine with talking to Craig it's just that that fight we had... I know it was my fault and I was just being stupid but...</p><p>I should apologize but my stubborn prideful side won't let me. I just want my SBF back. Every time me and Wendy have broken up in the past Kyle has been there even when I try to push him away. But not this time. And yet I'm not nearly as sad or upset as I have been in past break ups but like, at the same time I feel like I want Kyle by my side even more? Ugh I don't fucking know! Why are feelings so weird and complicated? Why is life such a bitch?!</p>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Cops</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I almost held off in posting this Chapter for obvious reasons. But I’m going to anyways because there’s never going to be a “right time” to post it honestly. These kinds of things are always happening, it’s just when they’re taken way way way waaaaaaay too far that they’re talked about. It’s not till somebody dies that we’re reminded that no, America isn’t actually the land of the Free. Don’t get me wrong it’s a great country and Is far from the worst but it’s also far from being perfect. Every where has flaws, but I feel like we should’ve gotten past the flaw of racism 100 years ago. If not long before that. Never the less, please remember this is based off of a South Park game from 3 years ago, and was written 2 years ago.</p>
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    <p>
  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>I slept in literally all my classes. Yaaaaaaay. I'll have to ask Kenny for notes and shit later or something. Also, apparently Mr.Mackey made an announcement saying that he had made a few mistakes and requested that everyone whose already gone through the gender shit come back so that "we can talk about sexuality because apparently sexuality and gender are two different things." So I've got to go do that at some point. Yaaay. And now PC Principal also wants us to talk to him about race. I've already got shit to do and I haven't even set a foot outside of the school yet.</p><p>"Psst. Dova!" Cartman not so secretly waves me over as I'm about to walk out of the school. Yay more shit for me to do.</p><p>"What do you want?" I ask, following up with a yawn.</p><p>"Go change into your costume and then wait for a message, from the Coon." He then proceeds to walk away. Wow okay I mean I was just gonna change and actually go to the coon lair but all right. I change in the school bathroom and avoid any of the people still here to avoid any judgement or questions. Despite my efforts, Michael still saw me and gave me a mixed look of disgust and confusion. Not sure why he even questions it at this point. Then again I question a lot of things still when I really should be used to it by now.</p><p>As soon as I step out of the school I get a call from The Coon™. "Alright Alpha Wolf, it's time we get the information we need from Classi. Any good superhero should know how to interrogate. Get over to Jimmy's house and find out what she knows." I yawn out an okay and begin making my way towards Jimmy's house. I enter and Classi is sitting on the couch, filing her nails.</p><p>"Oh hey it's you. Shit you look even worse than last night honey. Did you sleep at all?"</p><p>"Last night? No not really. In all of my classes? Oh yeah." I say stretching.</p><p>"Well I don't really blame ya. That was some fucked up shit happenin' last night. Hey Fast Past, one of your Superhomies is here!" Heh superhomies.</p><p>"Oh hey Dovahkiin. The Coon told me he wants you to question the witness so go ahead. Have at it." Jimmy says setting a drink on the table.</p><p>"Alright, Classi mind telling us what the actual fuck is going on with all the cat abductions and crap?"</p><p>"Look I know y'all need my help 'n shit and you got enough of your own problems, but I ain't talking till I get my medication." Classi says pulling out a slip of paper.</p><p>"Your medication?" Both Jimmy and I question.</p><p>"Yeah, I can't think straight without my medication! You gotta go pick up my pesciption Alright?" She says handing me the paper. Also, "pesciption." I think there's a couple 'r's missing there.</p><p>"Until you get my prescription, I ain't tellin' you little heroes fuck all nothing." If she 'ain't tellin us nothing' wouldn't that mean she'd tell us something? I would bring up her double negative but something tells me she either wouldn't get it or she'd beat my ass. Or both. Probably both.</p><p>"Well... alright fine. Looks like you've got more work to do Dova."</p><p>"Why you always makin him do the shit? Make the fat one do it! He need the exercise, this one needs sleep." Classi questions. "Or is it because you the only smart one?"</p><p>"Alpha Wolf is the only o-one that can think out of the box because he doesn't full on role play. T-that and he can pick out the things that aren't normal s-since he hasn't lived in South Park all his life." Jimmy explains.</p><p>"Yeah pretty much. We'll go with that." I say. It's definitely not the fact that half of the guys are legitimately stupid. Or oblivious. Or both. Like Kyle might be book smart but he's not always smart smart. And he's oblivious as hell. "Well I'm gonna head out now I guess." I say rolling my neck a bit. There was a pop there. Fun.</p><p>"Wait a minute Dova. Before you head out into the world, I wanna show you something that might help your crime fighting. Let's get to my room f-fast." He says speed running us to his room. How do they have actual powers occasionally again? I asked Kenny about it earlier and he said he had no fucking idea. Like he legitimately ran us up here and Timmy legitimately teleported before. Like just- okay no not getting worked up about this. Don't need Jimmy thinking I'm scared of stairs like Butters thought I was scared of coffee for an entire fucking year. Like he fucking gasped and cheered when he saw I was drinking coffee and congratulated me on overcoming my fear. Luckily Tweek was right next to me and put some truth behind my explanation.</p><p>
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  <strong>Mini flashback</strong>
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</p><p><br/>"Butters what th-the fuck are you talking about? Dovahkiin has been drinking coffee from the shop for the past 5 months." Tweek says staring at Butters.</p><p>"Huh? But when we had been about to enter the shop the first time to call you into battle Dova freaked out." Butters explains.</p><p>"Butters, that's because you had just said Craig was in jail when he was in detention. I got confused by the level of role play you were in. Especially when you kinda just switch the role play mode on and off." I explain.</p><p>"But then-"</p><p>"And then I was annoyed because you thought I was terrified of fucking coffee." I say taking a sip of my coffee to emphasize.</p><p>"O-oh. That... that makes more sense."</p><p>"D-did you seriously think he was afraid of coffee all this t-time?" Tweek asks. Butters just nods in response. I then proceed to face palm at Butters stupidity.</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>Ah shit, Jimmy was talking about stuff while I've just been standing under a thing. When I do nothing but blink at him he tells me to update my artifacts app and that I can do more shit there. I do just that and then proceed to head out to do get Classi her medication. I glance at the paper she gave me and it's for fucking weed. Of course. I then hear a couple blips from sirens and look up to see a cop car. Oh shit Cartman and his bullshit is gonna get me thrown in jail again. Though I guess last time wasn't exactly his fault and it was really just bad timing and me losing control but still. Shit this is bad. FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck.</p><p>"Hey kid your that wolf vigilante from the news right?"</p><p>"I might be. Why do you ask." I say warily, trying not to stutter or start hyperventilating. Then again I should probably still breathe but meh. Air is over rated.</p><p>"The sergeant wants to have a few words with you over at the station." Well I'm fucked. The cop guy drives away and I'm left to try and hold in a panic attack. I think about what the guys said at school and decide to give Kenny a call just to give him a warning if not anything else.</p><p>It rings a few times before he answers. "Hey What's up? I'm a little busy."</p><p>"So uh I might be going to jail. Honestly not sure yet but uh-"</p><p>"Wait what? What the fuck do you mean? What happened? Where are you?"</p><p>"I'm heading to the police station. I'm not 100% sure what's going on, but a cop just pulled up to me and said the sergeant wanted to talk to me and now I'm kinda freaking out."</p><p>"What's going on?" I hear the voice of Stan in the background. So he is a Freedom Pal. That's what I had thought but you never know.</p><p>"The sergeant wants to talk to Dova."</p><p>"Gah! Like the police sergeant? Why does he want to talk to Dovahkiin? Oh my god he's gonna arrest him for wh-whatever the hell they were doing last night!"</p><p>"Okay yeah, hearing Tweek relay my worries to me doesn't help but I'm just gonna go and hopefully I won't be arrested but there's a high possibility that I will. Just thought you should know. Love you Kenny. Bye." I say reeeeally quickly cause I'm like freaking out right now and that didn't help me at all. This is why I keep my problems to myself and the voices in my head.</p><p>"Wait Dov-"</p><p>
  <strong>|•|Kenny's POV|•|</strong>
</p><p>I stare down at my phone that's now beeping and says the call has ended. "God dammit Tweek he was already freaking out and now you freaked him even out more!"</p><p>"Gah! I'm sorry! I forgot he legit had super hearing! Gah! So much pressure!"</p><p>"I mean there's no way they are actually going to arrest him for that are they?" Stan questions.</p><p>"You've got to remember that this is the South Park police were talking about, and Dova does have a criminal record already. Even if it was just the one crime it was a big ass crime." Token points out.</p><p>"You know you guys aren't making me freak out any less about my boyfriend possibly going to fucking jail. AGAIN!" I say, gripping my phone and praying for him to give me another call.</p><p>"I'm sure everything will work out Kenny." Stan says patting my shoulder.</p><p>"It fucking better."</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p>
  <br/>
  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>Okay so they won't let me call Kenny to tell him "hey I'm not going to jail, they just gave me a mission!" And now I'm hunting down a supposed king pin of crime. I didn't notice this at first, but the place they marked on the map kinda looks like Nicole's house. Wait there's no fucking way. They aren't actually- they are serious. I'm stood in front of Nicole's house and I am getting the call from the sergeant.</p><p>"Okay you're approaching the hideout. Find a way in but be careful, he's probably armed to the teeth. Therm-"</p><p>"No he's not." I cut him off.</p><p>"What? How do you know? Thermal-"</p><p>"This is my fucking friend's house. I'm not doing this shit. Nicole's Dad hasn't done anything wrong you racist fuck." I growl.</p><p>"Hey hold on-" I hang up on the annoying cop and block his number. I'm not dealing with that. I start heading towards the weed shop and call Kenny as I'm going.</p><p>"Oh thank fuck! Dova what's going on?"</p><p>"The fucking cops sent me on a dumbass mission and they wanted me to fucking arrest Nicole's Dad. Tried to say he was a fucking crime king pin or some shit. So now I'm pissed cause I got stressed out and stressed you out over nothing." I say trying  and failing to remain calm.</p><p>"Oh my fucking- why are they so fucking fucked up? Okay well you sure you okay?"</p><p>"Yeah I'm fine, like I said I'm just pissed off."</p><p>"Okay well I'm glad you're okay. Try not to stress out to much."</p><p>"Yeah yeah. I'll talk to you later Ken."</p><p>"Alright. See ya Dovy love you mwah."</p><p>"I'm gonna barf"</p><p>"Love you too Kenny. Tell Stan to fuck himself."</p><p>"Dova says to go fuck yourself."</p><p>"Love you too Dovy mwah! Hugs and kis- Ow okay okay I'm sorry!"</p><p>I roll my eyes and let out a chuckle. "Alright I gotta do some more shit now. Later Mysterion."</p><p>"Goodbye Alpha Wolf." Okay why is the Mysterion voice kinda hot? Whatever moving on. How the Fuck am I gonna get into the weed place? There's fucking guns and shit. Why are there guns and shit anyways? Ugh. How the fuck am I supposed to-</p><p>I'm being surrounded by Raisins girls. What in the actual fuck.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Raisins and Kites</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>Why am I the one that always has to deal with this bullshit? Seriously, I wasn't the only one to beat up these fucking ditzy bitches but I'm the only one getting shit for it!</p><p>"You made a real mistake when you attacked us." One of them says approaching me.</p><p>"I wasn't even the one to fucking initiate it! It was fucking Clyde!"</p><p>"Doesn't matter asswipe! You're still the one that hit the hardest! And you never leave a good tip!" The one that's currently trying to scratch out my eyes complains.</p><p>"That's. Because. I'm. Gay!" I reply, emphasizing each word and then throw the bitch back with a 'hound pound.'</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>I finally beat up all the fucking minihooters wannabes and now they're fucking getting back up.</p><p>"You really think you're tough shit, don't you? Well it's time for you to meet someone. Say hi, Rebecca." The bitchy brunette says.</p><p>Jesus Christ she's bigger than Cartman. "I'm gonna break you in half and stick you up my butt."</p><p>"What the fuck is with heavy girls and trying to crush me with their fucking ass?" I groan, whipping some blood off my split lip.</p><p>"How dare you! I'm not heavy I'm thicc!" Rebecca says elbowing me back into the fence. Okay that fucking knocked the air straight of my lungs. Ow. I think this is gonna be the first fight I lose.</p><p>"Oh my god. Oh my god!" Rebecca cries out pulling out her phone in a panic. I take this time to pull myself up, using the fence to help me.</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"A thousand people just disliked the picture of me in ballet class on instagram! I'm totally getting trolled right now!" Rebecca cries out. Ordinarily I'd be annoyed with the fact that they've all stopped midbattle to check their phones but in this situation I'm really grateful.</p><p>"What the f... Heather why'd you tweet that I was going out with Eric Cartman?!" Hahahahaha.</p><p>"I didn't!"</p><p>"I'm totally getting trolled right now too!"</p><p>"What the fuck, What the fuck?! I just lost all my followers!"</p><p>"I have to get to a computer!"</p><p>"What the fuck, what the fuck?!"</p><p>It's sad how attached they are to social media. Like yeah I'd be a bit concerned and confused too but I wouldn't stop in the middle of a battle for revenge to check that shit. Whatever, at least I don't have to get shoved up an ass.</p><p>As I pull myself the rest of the way up, a girl -who looks suspiciously like Wendy in a costume- jumps down from nowhere. "Hello Dovahkiin."</p><p>"Hey Wendy." I say with a groan. I push myself off the fence and limp over to her a bit.</p><p>"It's Call Girl but, don't worry. I'm unfriending their instagrams exponentially. They won't be back for a while."</p><p>"Thanks but how'd-"</p><p>"Don't worry about it. You've gotta be careful playing superheroes. You can make a lot of enemies. " 'Call girl' warns.</p><p>"Too late." I scoff, licking at my split lip.</p><p>"Stop that, it'll make it worse." Wendy scolds me.</p><p>I stop licking my lip in favor of asking her a question. "So what exactly are you doing? Usually you girls avoid whatever the hell we're doing like it's the plague."</p><p>"Some boys think girls don't make good superheroes. Whatever you did last night got a lot of people's attention. BAD people. There's a crime boss who's been calling the shots here in South Park, and now that person is planing to run for office. Whatever you did last night scared him."</p><p>"Whoa whoa whoa slow the fuck down Call girl. How the hell do you know all this?" I ask.</p><p>"I'm tracking everyone's Instagrams and Facebooks and will continue to cross reference with Tumblr, while monitoring Twitter and Linkedin. If you need information just know you can rely on Call Girl. Watch your back Alpha Wolf!" Wendy says parkouring her way to the roof. What? I'm so confused.</p><p>Whatever time to limp my way to the weed shop. Or excuse me, "Medicinal Fried Chicken." I stand in front of the shop and it closes off with the metal fucking grids and guns and crap. Right. How the hell do I get in here?</p><p>"Too bad Dovahkiin. Minors aren't allowed in a place like that." AH MORGAN FREEMAN! WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING!? "Of course you aren't just any minor." I am so scared and so confused. And why the fuck did that car trunk just open? Why is it glowing? Is no one else seeinng this? "Go on Dovahkiin. Go take what's in the trunk." Oooooookaaaaaay. Sure I mean it fucking helped me the last time I listened to Morgan Freeman so why not listen to him again? Aaaand its a cheesy shrimparito recipe? Uh huh okay sure. And I'm getting a call from Kyle?</p><p>"Alpha Wolf, this is the Human Kite. You know that little 'problem' you helped me take care of? Well it's back. Can you come to my house ASAP please?"</p><p>"Oh boy. Alright I'll be there in a sec. Want me to call some of the others to help out?"</p><p>"Yeah I think that'd probably be best. See you in a bit."</p><p>Alright time to summon Craig, Clyde, and Scott to deal with the annoying Cousin.</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>&lt;-&lt;- Kyle's POV-&gt;-&gt;</strong>
</p><p>"Thanks for coming guys, it's over here. Why are you so beat up already?" I ask leading Alpha Wolf, Super Craig, Mosquito, And Captain Diabetes to the back yard.</p><p>"Raisins girls are relentless. And absolutely pissed so thanks for that Clyde." Mosquito just laughs nervously and rubs the back of his neck before apologizing.</p><p>"I'm baaaaaack!" My cousin says the moment we step outside.</p><p>"I already want to deck him again." A.W. growls.</p><p>"Down Alpha Wolf." Super Craig says grabbing his dog collar to hold him back.</p><p>"I hate this fucking collar."</p><p>"Look Cousin Kyle, it's that mean kid who beat me up before!"</p><p>"Yeah, oh no, somebody stop him." I reply sarcastically, leaning against the wall and rolling my eyes.</p><p>"Don't worry Cousin Kyle! I have developed these super-sensors that will make it impossible for him to beat us up this time."</p><p>"First of all, you fell on your face before I could even do any real damage. Second of all it was a fucking fight. Third of all Kyle didn't even participate in that fight at all. You were literally the only one that actually got hurt and that was mostly through your own stupidity!" Alpha Wolf exclaims.</p><p>"Alright alright just please make him go away. I have to stay out of this." I plead.</p><p>"Prepare to meet your doom, evil bully kid!"</p><p>"I'm not a fucking- Ugh fuck it come here you little shit."</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p><strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong><br/>After breaking down his stupid barriers and taking down the second human kite, he starts groaning and trying to get back up.</p><p>"Ugh.. ok... ok that does it! You guys asked for it! And now Human Kite shall use his Hebrew Faith to call upon the power of the wind!" He then starts chanting in I guess Hebrew and shit actually starts happening. That is until the wind blows away his kite. "OH JESUS IT CAME OFF! Oh Jesus my kite just flew into the tree Cousin Kyle!" He is aware that there's no way in hell He's gonna actually be able to jump and grab it right?</p><p>"Then GIVE UP." Kyle suggests.</p><p>"Don't worry super buddy Cousin. Perhaps I no longer have my kite, but I still have my super weapon!"</p><p>"Yeah? And what would that be?" Craig questions.</p><p>He then inhales deeply before yelling " AUNT SHEILAAAAAA! THESE KIDS ARE PICKING ON ME!"</p><p>"Oh fuck." I mumble, ears flattening and tail going between my legs.</p><p>"WHAT WHAT WHAAAAAAAT!?" A few rushed footsteps later and an angry Sheila Broflovski is walking through the sliding glass door. "Who's picking on you!?"</p><p>"Okay hang on hold up!" I say flailing my hands up in front of me.</p><p>"I am going to be calling all of your mothers right now! I'm surprised that you boys would be doing this! I almost expect that from Eric but certainly not from any of you!"</p><p>"Yeah get 'em Aunt Sheila!"</p><p>"NoNoNoNo You can NOT call my mother! I will not hesitate to fight you on that!" I say panicking even more.</p><p>"What no dude! That's my mom! We're taking this too far just stop!" Kyle says running onto the battlefield to stand by his mother.</p><p>"I'm sorry but you know what my parents are like and you know how bad it'll be if they think I'm acting violently!" I reply as Craig Flips off Mrs. Broflovski.</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>After we "defeat"the Broflovskis, Kyle's Mom only stands up, more pissed than ever.</p><p>"I'm not sure what's gotten into you boys but I don't want you hanging around my family any longer! In fact all of you should be arrested! Kyle, go inside and call the police!"</p><p>"A-Arr-rested? P-p-police? N-n-no! Pl-Please d-don't! Don't make me go back there!" I feel panic immediately take over me. Oh god. I can't breathe. Why can't I breathe?</p><p>"Oh shit mom! Why'd you say that!?"</p><p>I can't no no I don't want to go back I-I'm not bad I swear! I didn't mean to!</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>&lt;-&lt;- Kyle's POV-&gt;-&gt;</strong>
</p><p>Crap Dova is totally freaking out. He's hyperventilating and shaking like crazy all while mumbling to himself in between sobs. The only reason he's still standing is because me and Crag are holding him up. The fact that his eyes have totally glazed over definitely isn't good.</p><p>"Oh my! I- I totally forgot about that it was so long ago! We need to call his parents right now, th-"</p><p>"NO!" All of us yell at once, Dova excluded, though he did let out a whimper and shrink down further.</p><p>"But-"</p><p>"His parent would only make things worse! Why do you think he was so desperate to stop you from calling them?" Craig questions my mom.</p><p>"Does this mean we aren't calling the authorities to deal with these Bullies Aunt Sheila?"</p><p>"Well I feel like I should at least call their parents but-"</p><p>"Don't. This is all my fault." I admit as Craig mumbles that he's calling Kenny.</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"Look it's just- I couldn't take my cousin copying everything I do! The Human Kite is about saving people not Judaism. I asked Dovahkiin to scare him away so that he'd stop."</p><p>"I would ground you and call all your parents if it wasn't for the fact that Dovahkiin is having a panic attack right now. We will deal with this later, do you boys know how to get him to calm down?"</p><p>"Yeah, we're working on it and Kenny is on his way to help." Craig responds.</p><p>"Alright, I don't like leaving him like this but I need to help clean up Kyle. I'll be in the kitchen if you boys need help."</p><p>"Okay thanks Mom." I say before turning back to Dova. "Dovahkiin come on dude. You're not going back! This is my fault you did nothing wrong." I say kneeling down to the now sitting Wolf boy.</p><p>"I don't think he can even hear us guys." Clyde says reaching out to place a hand on his shoulder. The moment he does, Dov yipped and struggles against it, scrambling away from all of us. His ass is probably very dirty. Focus Kyle! Focus!</p><p>"Hey hey! Woah there Dovahkiin calm down!" Scott says trying to approach him slowly.</p><p>Dovahkiin only starts freaking out more. "Scott back up!" Kenny's shouts as he hops over the gate that separates the two yards.</p><p>Scott does as he says and Mysterion walks up to us. "What the fuck happened? What made him freak out that badly?"</p><p>"My Mom threatened to arrest all of them." I say gesturing to the other four around us.</p><p>"What." Kenny asks already sounding pissed.</p><p>"It's a long story and she regretted it instantly." Clyde sighs.</p><p>"Jesus Christ twice in one day. Ugh no fucking wonder he's so freaked out." Kenny sighs and takes off his hood and mask before slowly approaching his boyfriend.</p><p>"Dovy." He calls out. His ear twitches and he whimpers but he's still trembling and his face remains in his knees. "Dovy it's me. It's Kenny. Look at me please." Kenny says softly, still moving slowly. Dov slowly peaks out, whimpering more.</p><p>"Let's give them some privacy." I suggest, gesturing behind the tree. They all nod and we all sit and wait behind the tree either for Dov to calm down or for Kenny to request assistance. Hopefully the former.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Microagressions and Marijuana</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>&lt;-&lt;- Kyle's POV-&gt;-&gt;</strong>
</p><p>Kenny is finally able to get Dov to calm down after a few minutes. Once he's fully calm and both him and my mother have exchanged apologies, the others leave. However, as slight punishment  my mother is making me get my cousin's kite out of the tree. Thank god Dova has volunteered to help me.</p><p>"So how the fuck are we gonna get that?" I ask.</p><p>"I mean my first plan was to just climb up and get it but now I see how high it is." Dov replies.</p><p>"Well may- ew dude did you just fart?" I say plugging my nose.</p><p>"Sorry I'm not sorry." He says, snickering.</p><p>"Sheesh you have the worst farts ever. How are you able to- wait. I just had an idea. It's kinda gross but it might work."</p><p>"What is it?" Alpha Wolf tilts his head.</p><p>"Fartcour."</p><p>"Um Okay? Explain please." Alpha Wolf asks, raising an eyebrow.</p><p>"Okay so you've still got those really powerful farts right?" I ask.</p><p>"I mean they're not breaking down walls anymore but yeah. Where are you going with this?"</p><p>"If I get on your back and you fart really hard we can float a little and glide up into the tree."</p><p>"That's incredibly stupid and sounds like something Cartman would come up with."</p><p>"Hey! Don't compare me to Cartman!" I yell, insulted.</p><p>"No he literally suggested something like that for one of my moves. Instead of just jumping in the air he wanted me to fart upwards."</p><p>"Oh. Well that is stupid since you can just jump but with this you can't really do that." I argue pointing to the kite. A. W. Still looks skeptical.</p><p>"Okay look how about we try it and if it works you can call on me if you ever need that! If it doesn't we'll figure something else out."</p><p>"Hmmm alright fine but if we can avoid me needing to fart in any situation I'm gonna just jump instead. Also, I'm gonna need your help getting roof cheese later."</p><p>"Alright. Wait roof cheese? Weren't you getting medication for Classi or something?"</p><p>"Yeah well the 'medication' is weed so I've gotta get shit that can get me into the damn place and that requires roof cheese."</p><p>"Ooookay? Sure." I say climbing onto Dovahkiin's back. "Let's just do this shit.</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>Okay well that's probably one of the least weird weirdest things that I've had to do. Still gross and weird and uncomfortable though. Ugh. At least I've got the stupid roof cheese. Now I need to go-to the micro brew? When and how did PC principal get my cellphone number? Whatever guess he seriously wants to talk about race. I walk in and he's yelling at some dude for calling his friend tiered. Aaaand he's beating both of them up. Veeeeery PC. Whatever this is fucking South Park. This is just the little things.</p><p>I clear my throat to get PC Principals attention. "Ah! Dovahkiin there you are. You're actually the first one I wanted to talk to because I've unfortunately failed to have trained you in how to properly identify and deal with microagressions and I apologize for that. Alright come at me." He rants off</p><p>"Um what?" I ask tilting my head.</p><p>"Come on you wanna learn about race right? Gimme your best shot. It's a nice day isn't it?"</p><p>"I don't really see what this has to do with race but okay. OW!" I try to hit him but he hits me first.</p><p>"What's wrong with you!? You can't just attack for no reason try again!" He yells at me.</p><p>"What? But you told me to!" I shout at him.</p><p>"Maybe I didn't make myself clear enough. Here this time I will use a microagression and you will see how it gives you a free shot." He kinda shitily explains. He then takes a microphone out of god damn no where and announces that he's about to use a microagression for training purposes. "My friend Brian looks like a chick." After that I hit him cause I guess that's what I'm supposed to? He then congratulates me and starts explaining why it's offensive? Okaaaay. He goes on stating a few more statements before I hit him again and he explains again why what he said was a microagression yadayada no one really gives a shit, myself included. I'm very tired. And we didn't even talk about what type of white ass I am. Great. Okay now to get back on track and buy some fucking shrimp from City Wok.</p><p>I buy the shit- I mean shrimp aaaaaaand Morgan Freeman is talking to me again. This is gonna be a regular thing isn't it?</p><p>"What do you think Dovahkiin? This has already happened several times." Fair enough possible hallucination of Morgan Freeman. Whatever. I craft the thing and then head over to Medicinal chicken. I eat the shrimparito and now according to Morgan I can now pause time. Wait what. First I can rewind time and now I can pause it because I made weird ass Mexican food that's not exactly Mexican? Fucking sure why not! Alright whatever time to pause time and deactivate this shit I guess. Somehow. Oh just flip the switch duh. Pretty sure that if I was careful I'd be able to do that without pausing time but whatever.</p><p>"Ah Alpha Wolf there you are. I have come to assist you in assuring Classi's cooperation." The Coon says walking up to me.</p><p>"Okay whatever." I say with a shrug. We enter the shop and Cartman greets the cashier and asks for Classi's "medication." He then asks what kind of feeling she's looking for to which neither of us have any idea. And now there's a talking towel asking if we want to get high. What the shit.</p><p>"Oh hey Eric!"</p><p>"Oh wow Towelie! I thought you went to rehab."</p><p>Of fucking course he knows the talking fucking towel running the weed shop. I'm definitely asking the others about this. And by that I mean I'm currently sending out a group text to Kyle, Kenny, Stan, Craig, and Butters cause I'm too lazy to do that individually.</p><p><strong>D:</strong> Why is Cartman casually talking to a talking towel like they're old friends?</p><p><strong>Ken:</strong> Towelie is back?  Wow haven't seen him in a while.</p><p><strong>Ky:</strong> Oh is that who runs Medicinal Fried chicken? I thought he went sober?</p><p><strong>S:</strong> Wait why are you in a weed shop?</p><p><strong>D:</strong> 420 m8</p><p><strong>C:</strong> Translation- Classified information</p><p><strong>S:</strong> r00d</p><p><strong>Ken:</strong> What in the actual Fuck is fatboi having you guys do?</p><p><strong>Ky:</strong> Don't worry about it.</p><p><strong>Ken: </strong> Well now I'm worried</p><p><strong>D:</strong> Shit gotta go. The towel got mad and now I have to fight him</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>I'm not sure how we ourselves didn't get high but, me and Coon have managed to light up various weed piles around the shop and got the towel high. And now he's talking about what types of weed he's giving us and no one cares. Off to Classi!</p><p>"See, there's Dovahkiin now! Did you get Classi's prescription?"</p><p>"No shit I got her prescription what the fuck do you think I've been doing?"</p><p>"Well somebody's snappy. What took you so long anyways sugar?" She asks, taking the weed from me.</p><p>"Lots and lots of bullshit."</p><p>"And that's why I need this, to forget about the bullshit." She says rolling up a joint. "If I don't get my medication I near lose my mother fucking mind you know what I'm saying?" She then takes a hit from her blunt and leans back a little. "Alright alright alright that's much fuckin' better. You want some?" She asks offering it to me.</p><p>"Nope no thank you. I stay away from all of that." I say backing away and crinkling my nose. Ugh I already smell like weed from the shop I don't want to smell like it anymore than that.</p><p>"Fair enough. We all got our own ways of dealing with shit. Alright listen...the place y'all fuckers need to go is the U-Stor-it. That's where they takin' the cats."</p><p>Jimmy then calls Cartman to let him know that we've got the info. He tells us to keep her safe. After that I tell them good bye and go off to rest somewhere and get the god damn weed scent off me.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Restore the Creek</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>After totally not falling asleep on a bench at stark's pond, going through the whole gender and sexuality bullshit again, and dealing with the asshole rednecks, Craig asks me to meet him in front of Tweek Bro's and refuses to say why. I wish Pete luck on the counselor bullshit in passing before heading to the coffee shop. Apparently PC Principal threatened to drag all four of the partially goths into the office along with their parents if they didn't go on their own.</p><p>"Alright Craig, what's up. Are we making up w-"</p><p>"No we are retrieving my laptop. That asshole still has it. Go tell him to fucking give it back." Craig cuts me off.</p><p>"Seriously? You're making me be your messenger?"</p><p>"Yes now go fetch." I stand there, just glaring at him in response. "Come on Dova you know it'll only end up being a screaming match if I go in there! I'd do the same for you."</p><p>"Except you wouldn't need to cause I'm not gonna break up with Kenny, especially not over something as stupid as this."</p><p>"Just get me my laptop dude."</p><p>"What's the magic word?"</p><p>"Well it's Tuesday so, turquoise."</p><p>"Wow you actually memorized my magic word list." I say impressed.</p><p>"Course I did. How else am I gonna get you to do shit?" He responds.</p><p>"Feed me. That's what Stan, Kyle, and Pete do." I say with a shrug. I then proceed to head inside and go to the back of the shop.</p><p>"Heya Tweek." I say with a smile</p><p>"Gah! What's he want." Well that was quick.</p><p>"What do-" Tweek cuts me off with a look™ and an eyebrow raise. "Okay fine he wants his laptop."</p><p>"And I-I want my guinea pig."</p><p>"Um? Isn't he both of your guys' guinea pig?"</p><p>"Technically he was b-but I'm the one who paid for Stripe! Gah! Look I even have the receipt!" He says handing it to me.</p><p>"Mm. Okay so what am I supposed to do about this exactly?"</p><p>"Tell that D-Dick that if he wants his laptop back, he's got to give me back Stripe first! Gah!"</p><p>"Ugh fine. God I hate playing messenger." I head back out with the receipt in hand. "He wants Stripe back."</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"He says he won't give you back your laptop until you give back Stripe."</p><p>"Are you fucking kidding me? Fucking, Fine! You know where his cage is, go get him!"</p><p>"Why do I have to go get him?"</p><p>"Cause you're gonna have to hand him off to him anyways! Also when you do that can you let him know that when you walk out on someone you don't get to make the rules!"</p><p>"You guys are so stupid!" I shout as I make my way to Craig's house.</p><p> </p><p>
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  <strong>_|_Craig's POV_|_</strong>
</p><p>Dovahkiin flips me off on his way back inside, Stripe in hand. This is still fucking stupid. What the hell am I gonna do about my ultimate now? Ugh stupid fucking Tweek! Stupid Fucking Freedom pals! Stupid Fucking Civil war! Stupid fucking me. Why didn't I just follow him? Why didn't I just convince Coon go give him a movie so that he'd stay? And Why is Dovahkiin dragging him out here? Hold the fuck up.</p><p>"Stop! I'm not gonna-GAAAH DOVAHKIIN LET ME GO! WHERE ARE WE EVEN G-GOING!" Tweek yelling becomes clearer as Dovahkiin opens the glass door and continues to drag him against his will.</p><p>"I told you to get my laptop not my fucking ex what the hell dude!?" Dov just ignores me and grabs me by the arm and starts dragging me as well.</p><p>"OI! WHAT THE FUCK FLUFF ASS!?" I yell at him.</p><p>"Shush I'm helping."</p><p>"HOW THE FUCK IS THIS HELPING!?" Tweek and I yell at the same time. We then proceed to glare at each other, both of us trying to get out of Dova's grip.</p><p>"CAN Y-YOU AT LEAST TELL U-US WHERE WE ARE GOING?" Tweek yells at him.</p><p>"If you'd stop trying to deafen me with your yelling then yes." He responds with a wince.</p><p>"Fine, where are we going?" I growl out.</p><p>"Couples counseling with Mr. Mackey."</p><p>"WHAT!?" We yell again.</p><p>"Oooowww sheesh. Stop with the yelling!"</p><p>"GAH! I-I AM NOT GOING TO FUCKING C-COUPLES COUNCILING WITH THIS A-ASSHOLE!" Tweek yells.</p><p>"OH RIGHT FUCKING BACK AT YOU, YOU BITCH!"</p><p>"ENOUGH! You guys have yet to actually fucking talk, key word being talk, since you broke up. All you've done is yell and scream that it's the other person's fault. That's not how you solve things." Dova lectures us.</p><p>"This is just gonna be a waste of fucking time." I groan.</p><p>"It might not be!" Dov insists.</p><p>"N-Not when you have an unreasonably asshole like Craig-"</p><p>"Oh I'm the unreasonable one?"</p><p>"Hey hey hey what the fuck did I just say!?" Mutt Butt says turning back to glare at us.</p><p>"Fucking fine. But you're staying with us through this crap since it was your idea." I say, knowing there's no point in arguing with him.</p><p>"Technically this was Mr.Tweak's idea. Though I did briefly think about it jokingly."</p><p>"W-what!? My dad put you up to this? Ugh!" Tweek groans. Dovahkiin drags us into the school and to Mr.Mackey's office. He knocks on the door before getting the Okay to come in.</p><p>"Oh hey boys. I know why those two are here but is there a reason you are Dovahkiin?"</p><p>"Just supporting my friends and trying to help them get through this." He is waaaay to happy and excited about this. He's never happy when talking to Mr.Mmkay but here he is all smiles and wagging tail.</p><p>"Oh I see. Well boys how about we go to the gymnasium mmkay for some therapy exercises?"</p><p>"Mmkay." Dova responds dragging us along with him again.</p><p>"I hate you so much right now." I grumble, glaring at the back of his head.</p><p>"Sure you do."</p><p>"Come on in boys, have a seat." Mr. Mackey say gesturing to a set of three chairs. Tweek and I sit on either ends while Dov rolls his eyes at us and sits in the middle.</p><p>"And I'm the childish one."</p><p>"Shut up."</p><p>"Ok, apparently we're having a little quarrel, mmkay. Luckily you two have finally agreed to some counseling mmkay so now we can hopefully solve the issues mmkay. So... Craig, What do you want to say to Tweek?"</p><p>Fuck you. "I think he has some stuff he should say to me." I say eyeing past Dov and at Tweek. What a baby, he's crossing his arm and looking up at the ceiling and away from me.</p><p>"Mmkay, mmkay Tweek you wanna start maybe?" Mr. Mackey suggests.</p><p>"I have nothing to say if that's his attitude." Tweek replies, still looking away from me.</p><p>"God dammit." Dova growls out, pinching the bridge of his nose.</p><p>"Mmkay, mmkay, well um... Dovahkiin maybe you should share some of your thoughts."</p><p>"I think they are both being incredibly stupid over nothing and should at the very least talk to each other rather than scream or ignore." Dova says glaring at us both. Well that got Tweek to look over.</p><p>Tweek scoffs before saying "It's not over nothing! He-"</p><p>"Shut it." Dova says putting his hand up. "I've heard you guys screaming it enough I know what happened and your both overreacting."</p><p>"Mmkay so um what exactly did happen?"</p><p>"That is classified information." I say crossing my arms.</p><p>"Right well, mmmmmkay this isn't really going that well... hmm Mmkay I wanna do an exercise with you. I have some kids here to help us out."</p><p>"Okay what exactly are we gonna have to do?" I ask wanting to just get this shit over with and say I told you so to Dov.</p><p>"Mmkay well you see boys when we're trying to have some therapy the first thing we need to do is- is to take out our Resentments mmkay." Mr Mackey says completely ignore my question. "So uh Resentments come out. Come on out over.... come over, Resentments."</p><p>"Oh my fucking god." Dovahkiin mumbles as some 5th grader with a shirt that says RESENTMENTS on it walks up to us. He then talks about expectations and calls out another 5th grader, and then the same thing for accusations, victimization, and withdrawal. What the fuck is happening and what does this have to do with anything what so ever?</p><p>"Now you've gotta learn to overcome all these things, mmkay. Are you ready?"</p><p>"W-Wait ready f-for what? Gah!"</p><p>"To overcome all of these things. You ready? GO FUCK 'EM UP! THERE THEY ARE! RIGHT THERE, TWEEK AND CRAIG! YOU GO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF 'EM! YOU TOO DOVAHKIIN!"</p><p>What. Are we seriously fighting against a bunch of 5th graders now?</p><p> </p><p>
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  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>How in the actual fuck did that work? We literally just beat up a bunch of 5th graders and they got back together and did a really gay ultimate. Whatever it worked somehow and now they are together again. Which means my plan to switch sides can finally begin. First I need to come up with a plan to switch sides and then execute it. "Alright I- and you're already kissing. Well bye then."</p><p>Craig says bye through the form of a middle finger and I head off to find something else to do.</p>
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<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Toolshed and DovaKen texts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I have realized that the spelling for Jimmy's superhero name is inconsistent as hell because I don't know/didn't know if it was "Fast Pass" or "Fast Past" nor if there is supposed to be a space or not. Could I just look it up? Yes, yes I could. Am I too lazy to do so? Yes, yes I am. So am I gonna just leave all of them as is? You bet I am.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>0•0Cartman's POV0•0</strong>
</p><p>Human Kite, Fastpass, Mosquito, and I are currently talking about the order of various releases for different series and movies and when to have them when I realize something.</p><p>"Where the fuck even is Super Craig?" I question.</p><p>"No clue. He asked Alpha Wolf to help him with something and I haven't heard from either one of them since." Mosquito replies.</p><p>"Hmm, Interesting." I take out my phone and face time A.W. "Alpha Wolf, Alpha Wolf come in."</p><p>"What's up?" He asks.</p><p>"Where are you right now and is Super Craig with you?"</p><p>"I'm wondering around and Super Craig is currently playing a bit of catch up." He says smirking.</p><p>"What do you mean by that- oh my god." Human Kite gets cut off by a notification on his phone.</p><p>"What?" I ask.</p><p>"Dova you didn't." Mosquito says looking at his phone in shock.</p><p>"I may have."</p><p>"What? What happened?" I ask looking around.</p><p>"Ch-check Coonstagram." Fastpass responds. I exit out of the face time so that only the audio can be heard and log onto coonstagram.</p><p>"What the fuck? Did, DID THAT FUCKER SWITCH SIDES!?"</p><p>"No I simply got back together with my boyfriend you twat. I'm still with Coon and Friends and he's still with the Freedom Pals." Craig explains, coming downstairs.</p><p>"Congrats dude!" Kyle cheers.</p><p>"Bout damn time!" Clyde says smirking.</p><p>"It is a-a-am-amazing that Alpha Wolf managed to finally get you two back together. Con-con-congrats." Jimmy says.</p><p>I clear my thoat before saying, "Yes well, this better not have any effect on how you perform."</p><p>"We've just made each other be our additional weaknesses and now we do reduced damage to each other. So not to the extent of Dovahkiin with Kenny but yeah." Craig explains with a shrug.</p><p>"Fine. Anyways Alpha Wolf, get over here, we have things to discuss."</p><p>"Already here fuckers. I'm surprised sir face sucker got here before me."</p><p>"Oh like you and Kenny never exchange spit in front of others."</p><p>"Okay enough with the gay shit. Alpha Wolf, sit." I order.</p><p>"I was about to say I'm not a dog buuuuut I guess I kinda am. But that doesn't mean I'm gonna constantly be treated like one." He comments, sitting down anyways.</p><p>"Whatever. Well A. Wolf I've got some exciting news. I wanted to let you know that we've decided..." I pause for dramatic effect, " to let you have your own Netflix series right after the Fastpass Fox miniseries and the third Coon and Friends United Movie. Congratulations."</p><p>The others at the table clap in congratulations while Dovahkiin just looks unimpressed. "Uh huh, okay cool I guess."</p><p>"What do you mean? We can't give you your own movie be-"</p><p>"No it's whatever I don't care. Do whatever." He then mumbles something I can't hear.</p><p>"What was that?"</p><p>"Nothing, nothing" He waves his hand in dismissal.</p><p>"If there is something you'd like to say Alpha-</p><p>"Woah Woah Woah o-one of the Freedom Pals is calling us out! They're at the playground!" Fastpass says.</p><p>"What? What do those assholes want now? Ugh, fine. Human Kite, Fastpass, And Alpha Wolf, you're with me. Mosquito and Super Craig, you hold down the fort. Let's go kick some Freedom Pal ass!" I say, leading the others outside and towards the play ground.</p><p> </p><p>
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  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>"You're sure one of the Freedom Pals wants to meet with us?" Cartman asks Jimmy.</p><p>"Yes, his text said it was very urgent." He responds.</p><p>"Yeah but why would the Freedom pals want to talk to us?" Cartman asks.</p><p>"Maybe because two of them are mine and Craig's boyfriends?" I suggests.</p><p>"Unless this is some sort of trap." Kyle speculates.</p><p>"Relax Coon Friends, I didn't come to fight." Oooh right Stan is a Freedom Pal. I forgot about that. His costume kinda looks like he works at some kind of repair shop. Then again I basically just reused my Halloween costume.</p><p>"Hello toolshed. Long time no see." Coon greets him. Human kite then explains what type of hero he is to which Cartman adds "and a butt fucking traitor." I mean I'm pretty sure the first part is right. I swear he's gotta be bi. Though I doubt even he realizes it. Well, he's at least acknowledged that "there is a possibility that he's not exactly straight." His words, not mine.</p><p>"Just listen to me. I u- ha oh my god you actually are wearing the collar I thought they were joking." Stan says bursting out laughing.</p><p>"Oh fuck off sir Home Depot reject! What do you want?" I ask, the others snickering at my new nickname for Stan.</p><p>"Alright, alright I'm sorry!" He apologizes after calming down some. "I wanted to say that I owe you one for helping out my dad last night. You may be in the wrong franchise but if you ever need help, I'll return the favor." </p><p>"Cool."</p><p>"No not cool! We do not associate with traitorous losers from a zero-income franchise run by a douchebag in a wheelchair!"</p><p>"Well at least our franchise is not run by a fat little phone stealer." How the fuck does Timmy do that.</p><p>"God dammit not him again." We turn around and sure enough there's Timmy, Token, And Kenny.</p><p>"You call us losers when the only way you can get a lead is to steal it!? Where's Doctor Timothy's phone?" Mysterion yells at the Coon.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> Also can I just say, the Mysterion voice is very hot.</span></p><p>"Sorry Freedom Pussies, that info is classified." Jimmy responds, causing Cartman to laugh at the name.</p><p>"You guys need to stop investigating the Chamber of Commerce and leave it to the professional superheroes." Mysterion says back angrily. </p><p>"The fucking what?" I question.</p><p>"Oh yeah, you guys are the professional superheroes. It just so happens Mysterion, that we already have a connection with Netflix." Cartman uses his best super power, talking out his ass. And why aren't we questioning the Chamber of whatever the fuck that Ken mentioned?</p><p>"No you don't." Token says rolling his eyes.</p><p>"Yes we do. We are just about to get the Human Kite Netflix series off the ground so..." Was that pun intentional? Oh hey Timmy is 'reading' his mind again. I don't know how the fuck he does that but whatever. Beside they don't actually think we could get a fucking connection with Netflix do they?</p><p>"They don't have a connection to Netflix." Timmy mind announces.</p><p>Well no shit.</p><p>"Also Alpha Wolf has an interesting thought process."</p><p>"What."</p><p>"Freedom Pals Just Raped both mine and Alpha Wolf's Mind you guys!"</p><p>"I- How- what?" I tilt my head feeling very confused. I didn't even feel shit! Hang on a damn second.</p><p>"Which means Coon over reacts to shit cause I didn't even notice anything." I point out.</p><p>"That's cause I can fight it but you clearly can't! Now get them!" And we are fighting again. Woop dee fucking do.</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>"Oh yeah! Oh yeah! That is twice we kicked your asses!" Cartman mocks.</p><p>"I mean I don't know about you guys but my ass feels pretty damn kicked." I grumble. At least Kenny actually held back a bit this time.</p><p>"You guys are nothing without Alpha Wolf and you know it! Wolf, my offer still stands. I still owe you one. And if you ever want to be apart of a real franchise, just call me." Stan says.</p><p>"Yeah right! You guys are DC comics! We're marvel!" Cartman yells after them. The others then begin to make their way back to the Coon Lair but I've gotta go back to PC Principal now to actually talk about race. Wooooo.</p><p>This is all so stupid. I begin limping towards the Microbrewery when my phone buzzes.</p><p> </p><p><strong>Kenny🧡:</strong> I didn't hit you too hard this time did I?</p><p>I smile at the text and send out a reply.</p><p><strong>D:</strong> Nah nothing I can't handle. Thanks for that by the way. I'm pretty damn sore from everything though</p><p><strong>K:</strong> Poor puppy 😕</p><p><strong>D:</strong> Anyways I succeeded in my mission</p><p><strong>K:</strong> I can't believe you actually took them to couples therapy and that it worked</p><p><strong>D:</strong> I wasn't going to actually do that but then Tweek's Dad asked me to soooo</p><p><strong>K: </strong>Wow. But hey it worked</p><p><strong>K:</strong> So when's my wolfie gonna be joining Freedom pals?</p><p><strong>D:</strong> Good question. Cartman was pretty pissed when he thought Craig had left so I'll have to go about this sneakily.</p><p><strong>K:</strong> Fair enough. I've gotta talk about sexuality with Mr. Mmkay now. Ugh</p><p><strong>D:</strong> Rip. I already went through that and it sucked ass. Not as much as last time but still.</p><p><strong>K:</strong> Wonderful.</p><p><strong>K:</strong> I'll talk to you later. Bye Dovy love you mwah</p><p><strong>D:</strong> Ew</p><p><strong>K:</strong> -_-</p><p><strong>D:</strong> I mean love you too! Kisses</p><p><strong>K:</strong> -_-</p><p><strong>D:</strong> I'm in the dog house now aren't I?</p><p><strong>D:</strong> Kenny?</p><p><strong>D:</strong> Ken?</p><p><strong>D:</strong> Babe?</p><p><strong>D:</strong> I see you reading these</p><p><strong>D:</strong> Speak!</p><p><strong>D:</strong> Please?</p><p><strong>D:</strong> I sowwy!</p><p><strong>D:</strong> Rabbits can die of loneliness you know!</p><p><strong>K:</strong> Don't Tokyo Ghoul me. Besides you're a Wolf.</p><p><strong>D:</strong> Ken let's go home</p><p><strong>K:</strong> Okay definitely back to shunning you now</p><p><strong>D:</strong> Noooooooooooooo!</p><p><strong>D:</strong> Well I've gotta talk about what shade of white I am now anyways so bye love you!</p><p><strong>K:</strong> Bye Dov.</p><p><strong>K:</strong> Love you too</p><p><strong>D:</strong> 😀</p><p><strong>K:</strong> Never mind you used the gross smiley emoji with tiny eyes. It's over</p><p><strong>D:</strong> Noooooooooooo</p>
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<a name="section0016"><h2>16. U-Stor-it</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>_|_Craig's POV_|_</strong>
</p><p>The Coon has called us all back to the Coon Lair again because apparently we have gotten all the information we need for our next mission. Once Dovahkiin has told PC Principal his type of white™ and he's returned to the Coon Lair we begin our meeting.</p><p>"Alright everyone, Alpha Wolf has interrogated Classi and has  discovered that our next lead is at the U-Stor-it. We need to infiltrate it tonight." Coon informs us.</p><p>"It can't be done."</p><p>"Why not Mosquito?"</p><p>"Because the U-Stor-it entrance is all lava." He responds.</p><p>"The whole thing is fucking lava!? Shit! There has to be a way to get passed it."</p><p>"I could try and climb the fence." Muttbutt suggests.</p><p>"Too dangerous. We don't know who or what is on the other side. We need all of our forces on this." The Coon dismisses him.</p><p>"There is...Toolshed." Human Kite murmurs.</p><p>"What does that donkey-fucker have to do with anything?" Coon asks in disgust.</p><p>"He's got a device that clears Lava remember? It's one of his super powers." Human Kite explains.</p><p>"Hey... And Toolshed said that he owes Dov a favor!" Fast Past points out.</p><p>"Well, looks like you're gonna come in handy again Alpha Wolf."</p><p>"Excuse me? Bitch I'm the most valuable one here." Dova grumbles. I mean he's not wrong.</p><p>"Super Craig! Write an anonymous email to Toolshed telling him that Alpha Wolf is ready to have his favor returned."</p><p>"Or he can just send him a text himself." I reply.</p><p>"Yeah I kinda already did that so." Dova shrugs.</p><p>"Whatever. Everyone go home and get in bed. We meet at the U-Stor-it tonight." Coon Orders. We all get up and head out to go to our own houses.</p><p>"Oh yeah Dova, Kenny told me to tell you to actually fucking sleep tonight." Kyle says, flicking the side of his head.</p><p>"Yeah yeah I'll try." He says with a yawn.</p><p>"Uh huh sure. I'll see you guys later." Kyle says waving goodbye.</p><p>"Why don't you just put in headphones and listen to music?" Clyde suggests.</p><p>"First of all, double set of ears." He says gesturing to them. "Second off I'll probably end up suffocating myself with the cord. And third of all I'm horrible at picking music that actually helps me sleep." He replies.</p><p>"Whatever dude just try to sleep. We don't need you just suddenly passing out randomly." I say waving bye to him once we've reached his house.</p><p>"He's gonna sleep through all our cl-classes again tomorrow isn't he?" Jimmy questions.</p><p>"Probably." I sigh.</p><p> </p><p>
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  <strong>$~Stan's POV~$</strong>
</p><p>"You didn't sleep did you?" I question the utter mess of my friend standing in front of me.</p><p>"I mean I was half asleep for a solid 40 minutes and then I actually slept for like 20 or something so I mean it's better than last night." He replies with a yawn.</p><p>"Your lack of sleep is going to be the death of you Dovahkiin." I say, shaking my head as we begin making our way to the U-Stor-it.</p><p>"Good. There's worse ways to go." He says stretching and yawning once more.</p><p>"If I tell you my superhero backstory you're gonna fall asleep on the spot aren't you?" I ask him.</p><p>"Probably." We then stop right before my house to see my dad Keying my mom's car and then her yelling at him to come inside.</p><p>"You know he's been acting dumber and dumber lately. Something is definitely going on around here."</p><p>"Yeah it would partially explain why my parents have suddenly been acting worse than usual but then again it's also a common occurrence with them." Dovahkiin says yawning once more.</p><p>"You sure you want to do this tonight dude? We can like do it tomorrow if you want." I say as we approach Mysterion's house. Once we get there I begin unscrewing the boards on the windows.</p><p>"Nah it's fine. So why are we breaking into my boyfriend's house?"</p><p>"Cause Mysterion has a shortcut to the north of town. As for the breaking in, he's off on his own mission right now." I explain.</p><p>"You're aware that I know where the spare key is don't you?"</p><p>"Well I do now." I say taking off the board. "Whatever. Come on let's go."</p><p>"They don't even have any drugs right now what the hell are they fighting over?" Dovahkiin grumbles as we pass by Mr. and Mrs. McCormick's room.</p><p>I simply shrug in response. "Come on there's a shortcut through his closet." </p><p>"Kenny's hiding stuff in his closet? I thought we were done with that." I roll my eyes at his remark and lead him through the hole and approach the lava.</p><p>"Okay so I'm gonna use my sandblaster to blast away the lava." I inform Alpha Wolf.</p><p>"Kay. Blast away." I blast away the lava and walk through the hole in the fence only to be met with a bunch of homeless dudes.</p><p>"What are you kids doing? SoDoSoPa is ours now." The one in front of the secret tunnel says.</p><p>"Okay well we just want to pass through so." A.W. says.</p><p>"Yeah and that cardboard box is our secret tunnel and you're not gonna stop us from getting through!" I add.</p><p>"You're secret tunnel is our back patio!" And now we're battling homeless people.</p><p> </p><p>
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  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>I am so fucking tired. I hope we can get through this quickly. We reach the U-Store it and all the guys come out of nowhere. Cartman calls Stan a Butt fucking Traitor again, so on and so forth. Even though he says he's here to help me and not them, he helps us out anyways and glares at me.</p><p>"Wasn't my idea, I'm just going along with this bullshit." I respond and once all the others have headed through the gate I add a whispered "for now."</p><p>"Oh?" Tool shed says raising a brow and smirking at me.</p><p>"Yeah. Don't know how imma do this but I'm gonna figure something out." I say before following Kyle's instructions to fan out and look for the cats. After awhile I find a tin foil mask? "Um guys, who deals with tin foil?" I ask. The moment the words come out of my mouth lights and monitors start lighting up and Butters is on them. Um okay? He's evil laughing now. Oh yeah he's supposed to be a bad guy.</p><p>"Hello Coon- oh hi Dova!" Butters says waving at me. I confusedly wave back. "Ahem, as I was saying, Hello Coon friends!"</p><p>"Coon and friends!" Coon corrects.</p><p>"Come into my parlor! I've bought tin foil and more minions than you can ever fathom! I've been given $20,000 to keep nosy people away from this place."</p><p>"So is this real or did I pass out at some point and now I'm dreaming?" I mumble out while Butters continues to rant back and forth with Cartman. Both Craig and Stan pinch me in response. "Ow. That wasn't an invitation you fucks. Why are there hamsters?" I ask looking down at the plastic ball encased rodents.</p><p>"They're Professor Chaos's minions. Were you not paying attention Alpha Wolf?" Scott scolds me.</p><p>"I'm sorry I was too busy trying to decipher whether or not I was delusional because who in the actual fuck gave Butters all that money and who in their right mind uses that money to buy this crap?"</p><p>"God dammit. Whatever, let's just find what we're looking for and get out of here." Cartman orders. Is no one else concerned with this shit? Who am I kidding? Of course they're not they just want to find a fucking cat. Alright time to ignore everything around us to find a cat for whatever reason. I need to get some friends that aren't completely insane.</p>
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<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Craig Nearly dies</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Apparently when I first wrote this chapter, I got scared by my printer while writing my authors notes. Just as I felt the need to let my readers know then, I feel the need to let you guys know now too. On January 14th of 2019 at roughly 6:35 PM, I got jump scared by my printer.</p>
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    <p>
  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>We begin to make our way around Butters' "fortress" which looks like it is Halloween themed with him popping up on monitors to make random mocking comments like how we'll never make it through his barriers and then getting upset that we made it through his barriers. Also he's hired Mexican people to be his minions along with a bunch of dogs and random kids that I've never even seen before. So that's fun. After throwing myself over a wall rather than doing the weird ass "Fartkor" thing, I come across Craig staring at a truck covered in tin foil?</p><p>"Why would Chaos want to wrap an entire truck in aluminum foil?"</p><p>"That's what you're questioning out of everything?" I respond with a raised brow.</p><p>"It is what I'm questioning at the moment. I'll question about this other bull shit later but for now I'm questioning the purpose of an aluminum foil covered truck." Craig responds.</p><p>"That's not the problem!" Oh look Wendy is on the roof. "Is aluminum foil really what you guys are concerned with?"</p><p>"I mean I'm kinda just concerned for Butters' sanity" Craig responds.</p><p>"I'm concerned about a lot of things." I reply. It's at this moment that everyone else comes out of nowhere to look up at CallGirl.</p><p>"Who the fuck is that?" Cartman asks.</p><p>"Who do you know in are grade that wears shit loads of pink and has long black hair?" I answer with a sarcastic question.</p><p>"You were right about the Italian restaurant Alpha Wolf. The owner is a part of a new crime syndicate" Wendy ignores us.</p><p>"Okay one I didn't know anything I was just trying to fucking stay alive, two kinda found that out in the process of doing just that so uh thanks for the review." I say with an eye roll.</p><p>"Who   the   fuck    is that" Cartman repeats with several pauses and emphasis on 'that.'</p><p>"I have no idea." Stan replies. Bitch you two just broke up for the hundredth time don't give me that shit.</p><p>"Well she's not in the union!" He then turns to address Wendy. "Excuse me are you on Coonstagram?" Wendy continues ignoring him and going on about there being someone trying to unite the crime families and blah blah blah crap we already know and are for some reason ignoring.</p><p>Or I thought we did but Jimmy seems confused and Cartman is trying to lead us away because "We're not playing with her." Yeah cause this shits all a game and we're only risking our lives for this shit. But the fucking franchise bullshit is real. What is wrong with my friends?</p><p>"Check out storage facility 50-D Alpha Wolf. And take this" Wendy informs tossing a fucking phone at me what the hell? "Call me if you need me. I think you're going to need all the help you can get." Okay, yeah, not like I already had a phone and her number or anything but sure. Cartman complains about her suddenly showing up and now we are back to looking for a fucking cat. Now I have to drag a box for us to go over lava because there's no air compressors around. And Stan was mocking me the entire time cause yeah he's salty right now I guess. Wait hang on a damn second, not being able to get rid of the Legos there was foreshadowing something wasn't it? I'm gonna have to do more stupid shit later aren't I? Greaaaat.</p><p>Oh and look there it is we enter a warehouse and there's lava at the door now. Fantastic. And whomst the fuck is laughing at us?</p><p>"Will you stop fucking around Chaos!" Coon yells out.</p><p>"Not Professor Chaos- his partner in crime, General Dissaray!" Some kid a few years younger than us yells from across the warehouse.</p><p>"Careful, he's a ginge." Coon warns.</p><p>"I think we have things that are more concerning than that at the moment." I comment.</p><p>"Do you know what Professor Chaos has planned for this city?"</p><p>"No but you're probably about to tell us right?" Super Craig replies.</p><p>"Look kid, you and Butters are taking this way too far" Stan interrupts.</p><p>"Yeah kid it's time to teach you a lesson!" Speaking of taking things to far. Give it up for Eric fucking Cartman everyone.</p><p>"That won't be as easy as you think." What's the kid doing with that remote thingy and was that a challenge or a threat? Oh hey he almost lavaed Cartman. Guess it was a threat. And oh boy more fighting. As if I wasn't sore enough.</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p><strong>$~Stan's POV~$</strong><br/>We've defeated General Disarray and because Coon stupidly smashed the remote the lava dispensing thing went crazy and now lava is spilling everywhere. Ah well we got all of the minions at least.</p><p>"I think that was the last of them guys." I announce to the others.</p><p>"Don't count on it. We should make a... Wait Super Craig? Oh my god Super Craig!?" Coon Shouts running over to the increasing line of lava which separates us from Craig. I immediately try and look for an air compressor to clear it.</p><p>"Super Craig! Just hold tight!" Coon instructs him.</p><p>"Shit there's no Air compressor here! I can't remove the lava!" I say coming back to the others and giving up my search.</p><p>"Hang on Super Craig, we're going to find something to plug Toolshed's sandblaster into." Coon reassures.</p><p>"I mean if he jumps it now-"</p><p>"That's way too dangerous" Human kite cuts off Alpha Wolf.</p><p>"Okay if I jump over it now-"</p><p>"Don't bother Alpha Wolf. You and I already know that I am already dead. There's no point in me dragging you down with me." Super Craig cuts him off.</p><p>"First off cut the dramatics you're not dying, second off you are like one of my best friends and if you <span class="u">were</span> dying I'd be dying with you." Dovahkiin argues.</p><p>"No Super Craig, Alpha Wolf, don't talk like that! We are gonna find a way to save you! Do something Toolshed!" Cartman orders.</p><p>"I can't! There's nothing here! I need compressed air for my sandblaster to work!" I respond.</p><p>"Get the one from the entrance" Mosquito suggests.</p><p>"The gates slammed shut remember?" Jimmy points out.</p><p>"We all knew when we signed on to be Coon friends that it might end like this." Craig sighs.</p><p>"Speak for yourself, I didn't sign a death contract" Dova grumbles to himself.</p><p>"Stay calm Super Craig, we are gonna get you home." Coon reassures him.</p><p>"Sorry Coon, but it looks like this was a one-way trip." Craig says officially giving up. What am I gonna tell Wonder Tweek?</p><p>"No, Super Craig No!" Coon says struggling against Fast Past who's trying to pull him back towards the rest of us.</p><p>"I'm starting to remember things from my past. Things I regret, people I wish I had been kinder to..." Craig says, life apparently flashing before his eyes or something.</p><p>"Someone get a god damn air compressor!" Cartman yells.</p><p>"I have an idea. Give me the sand thing." Dovahkiin says suddenly, holding out his hand for it.</p><p>"If you're going to stick it in your ass and fart I'd much rather die." Craig says.</p><p>"What? Ew no fucking gross. Why the actual fuck would I do that?" Dovahkiin says with absolute horror and disgust in his eyes. "I'm gonna big bad wolf this shit gimme the thing."</p><p>"You are aware of how much lung strength someone would need to make that work?" I question him, hesitantly handing it over to him.</p><p>"You guys know that half grown tree that fell down at Stark's pond on a night with no wind? Yeah that was a full moon and I got curious at how much Huff I could actually puff." Dovahkiin replies.</p><p>"No fucking way dude. I doubt-" and it fucking worked. Lava was flown everywhere and Super Craig was knocked back.</p><p>"Jesus Christ you really are the big bad wolf."  Mosquito says in shock.</p><p>Coon rushes towards Super Craig whose trying to sit himself up. "What... what the fuck just happened?" He asks.</p><p>"Dovahkiin stuck the tube in his mouth and cleared away all the lava." Cartman replies.</p><p>"Oh."</p><p>"You alright there dude? You're kinda wheezing." I asked looking at the hunched over wolf boy. He just gives me a thumbs up in reply. "We probably shouldn't do that all that often." He nods in agreement.</p><p>"You guys go and get Chaos. I've gotta stabilize Super Craig." Cartman says shooing us away before pulling out a needle and stabbing Craig with it.</p><p>"Ow fuck!"</p><p>"It's cool."</p><p>"What the fuck was that you asshole!?" Craig yells at him.</p><p>"It's an intracradiac injections I had to stabilize you Super Craig!" Cartman's dumbass replies.</p><p>"Cartman what the actual fuck is wrong with you?" Dovahkiin croaks out pinching the bridge of his nose.</p><p>"Are you Fucking serious right now? You could've Fucking killed me!" Craig yells at him.</p><p>"Where the hell did you even get that Cartman?" I ask.</p><p>"Online. Super Craig just stay still you've suffered a lot."</p><p>"Yeah a lot from your stupidity." Dova grumbles, seemingly having finally regained his breath.</p><p>Cartman ignores him and continues, "You guys just go ahead I'm just gonna try and stabilize him."</p><p>"Not completely sure I trust you with that but fine whatever." Dovahkiin says rolling his eyes and throwing up his arms in defeat while walking away.</p>
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<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Cat Pee and Legos</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>&lt;-&lt;- Kyle's POV-&gt;-&gt;</strong>
</p><p>While me and Alpha Wolf were climbing up the ladder Professor Chaos starts calling out for his general who we had just defeated.</p><p>Upon getting up to the roof I spot a place that should allow us to get over to where we need to be. "Okay Alpha Wolf we're gonna need to get up that water tower so we can try to do fartkour."</p><p>"Or I could jump. That sounds like the less nasty option. I don't really want to be labeled as fart boy again. People just stopped calling me that."</p><p>"We'll see when we're up there." I respond.</p><p>"Forget it order-lovers! This is a chaos-only zone!" One of the stupid Chaos minions interrupts, pouring lava down in front.</p><p>"Also shut that kid up, he's super annoying." I say glaring up at him.</p><p>"On it." Dov replies throwing snap n' pops to break the ground out from under him. He does it with another few as well to make a path way up. Now there's the lava issue.</p><p>"Okay I'm pretty sure if I do the big bad wolf thing again so soon after I just did it, my lungs are gonna give out so can we just hop over the fucking legos and not tell anyone?" Dova requests glaring at it.</p><p>"Yeah okay fair enough." I say doing just that. We get up the tower and I stop to debate whether or not Dov can just run and jump it with me to help him glide down.</p><p>"Come on I can definitely jump this shit. Besides, I can always just fart midair or some shit if I really need to." He says kneeling down in front of me, his back facing me.</p><p>"Yeah yeah okay fine." I say hopping on his back. He backs up a bit before running and jumping off the edge of the water tower. "Damn we can see everything up here." I say looking around a bit as we glide towards the next roof. We land and I hop off Alpha Wolf's back before he just fucking jumps off the roof. "Dude what the fuck?" I call down towards him.</p><p>"There's fuckin lava there. I wouldn't be able to get across otherwise."</p><p>"Alright fair enough. I'll see you in a bit. I'm gonna look around elsewhere." I inform him.</p><p>"Alrighty then. See ya Kyle!"</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p><strong>^~^Wendy's POV^~^</strong><br/>"Alpha Wolf !" I call out to him from my perch on the roof. I jump down and land safely next to him. Not without some finesse of course. "How'd you get passed the lava without doing anything with it?"</p><p>"I jumped down from that roof." He responds.</p><p>"Don't you think we should do something about the lava to help the others through?" I ask.</p><p>"Nah they'll find a way." He says shrugging.</p><p>"If you say so." I say as we begin making our way through the U-Stor-it once more. We sneak passed a bunch of kids in aluminum foil before we come across the rest of the heroes.</p><p>"Alpha Wolf why the fuck did you bring her with you?" Cartman asks glaring at me.</p><p>"Cause she kinda followed me. Anyways there's no law that says girls can't be heroes or anything."</p><p>"But she's not playing with us!"</p><p>"Is this really what you're concerned with Coon? Our town is falling apart and you're throwing a hissy fit because I'm trying to help?" I shout at him.</p><p>"Can we please just find the cats so I can go and sleep off my near death experience? And I'm not talking about the fucking lava Cartman." Craig yells at both of us, directing his own glare at Eric.</p><p>"Fine, Whatever. Alpha Wolf, use you're wolfie hearing to listen for cats."</p><p>"Why didn't we do that from the start?" Kyle questions.</p><p>"Cause we're all idiots. Anyways we don't need that they're like right over there." Dovahkiin says pointing to one of the storage units. Sure enough there's a lot of meowing coming from it. We open it up and are faced with a bunch of drug addicts doing god knows what to the poor kitties.</p><p>"Hey what the fuck?" The one closest to us curses.</p><p>"Who is that?" Another questions.</p><p>"Oh my god! It's that Vigilante!" The one in the back points out.</p><p>"That's right! The coon!" Coon says puffing his chest out. Why does he take credit for everything when he literally does nothing? And why do the others let him? Well I guess they don't half the time but still they do sometimes.</p><p>"And some fat kid too!" I have to hold back my giggles at that comment, Dovahkiin however doesn't seem to think that's necessary and openly snorts out a quick chuckle.</p><p>Coon proceeds to pull out a missing cat poster and attempts to do a poor Batman impression. "This cat, where is it."</p><p>"That's some real high-grade shit there. Cat like that would go to the boss man himself." The first one responds. Why'd he just answer us so freely?</p><p>"You idiot! You don't talk about him! Now we gotta Kill these shits!" Oh. Never mind then I guess.</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>Well we defeated a bunch of meth heads. That'd be a lot weirder sentence if it weren't for the fact that I've done that before. Geeze that was three years ago.</p><p>"Alright! Alright! Look it ain't us ok!? The big man has all the crime families working together: the Italians, the Russians, the freshmen. They all work for him! We just put the cat urine into the drugs and alcohol!" I love how we just keep hearing about the same information over and over again. Also don't think the 9th graders are a "crime family." And wait... did he say cat urine? Ew what the actual fuck? Why?</p><p>"Who is the big man!?" Wendy yells at him. Oh right that too.</p><p>"He don't even do it for the money man! It's like- it's like he wants more crime in the streets!" He continues rambling, ignoring the question.</p><p>"Wow! That sounds spooky!" Nice Jimmy. Nice.</p><p>"You don't even know spooky man. We got to do this if they tell us, don't you get it!? WE'RE ALREADY DEAD FOR TELLIN' YOU!"</p><p>AND HE HAS OVERDOSED ON CAT PEE AND CAUSED A GIANT EXPLOSION PROBABLY KILLING ALL HIS BUDDIES AND THE CATS YAAAY. WHY DOES EVERYTHING END IN PEOPLE DYING!? JESUS CHRIST FUCKING WHYYY!? IS IT ME? AM I FUCKING CURSED TO WATCH AND CAUSE PEOPLE TO DIE GRUESOME DEATHS? WHAT THE FUCK WHY WHY WHY? ISN'T MY LIFE SHIT ENOUGH?</p><p>"DOVAHKIIN!" I jump at the synchronized shouts. When did I end up on the ground in fetal position?</p><p>"You okay? Do you need to go home?" Craig asks. He's knelt down in front of me with his hand on my shoulder.</p><p>"We can handle the rest from here if you need to go dude." Stan Adds on. He's standing at my side, hand on my other shoulder.</p><p>I close my eyes and take a deep breath before exhaling slowly and opening my eyes once more. I shake my head in attempt to shake out the thoughts as well and stand back up. "No I'm fine. Just had a bit of a moment I guess."</p><p>"Are we continuing the game now or?" Butters asks from one of his monitors, looking at me with concern.</p><p>"Yes Butters we are continuing the game now." I say with a sad attempt at a reassuring smile.</p><p>"Well okay then. Ahem, Mwuahahah! You've come far Coon Friends, but now you're trapped in my inner Sanctum!" He then logs off and Wendy begins hacking the key pad on the door in front of us. At least that's what I assume she's doing.</p><p>"Got it. Ready when you are A.W." I begin entering the code as Wendy recites what it is. Course Butters being Butters I should've known it'd just be numbers 0-7 in ascending order. And oh look more kids in foil to fight. Yaaaaaay.</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>After defeating the minions and moving further into the throne room, I do the thing to get rid of the lava again because Coon kept insisting that it was impossible to jump over the tiny pile of lava. At least it was on a much smaller scale this time. We climb up the ladder and are met with a tin foil covered roof and an absolute shit load of red Lego bricks.</p><p>"Dude the fuck?" Stan says staring out at the crates of "lava" with me.</p><p>"Oh my god. He's gonna declare the entire town lava." Cartman says walking up next to us along with all the others. I mean honestly all that would actually do is be a pain in the ass to clean up. Also hurt like shit if you like tripped and fell or walked on them without shoes. Wait.... is that why they made legos lava? That's actually pretty clever. But anyways, its not like anyone is walking outside bare foot in the winter and either way a fall on cement or asphalt would hurt sooooo.</p><p>"Well, well, well, you actually made it to the end Coon Friends." Butters says from some where. Also Cartman is yelling at him for fucking up the name again. "And now you know that you are too late. All of South Park is about to be covered in lava!" Again that's just a mere inconvenience. A pretty big inconvenience but still.</p><p>"Just think about it! Everywhere will be off-limits! Everyone will have to just stay where they are, forever! The-"</p><p>"Doesn't that apply to you to?" I interrupt.</p><p>Butters remains silent for a while before finally saying "Oh hamburgers I didn't think about that. Wait... I mean yes I did! My chaos armor protects me and my minions from heat attacks! And that includes lava! The park will be lava! The Dairy Queen will be lava! It'll be absolute Chaos! Ha Ha Ha!" He definitely had forgotten about the heat thing and thought his plans were ruined there.</p><p>"Come out and fight like a man Chaos!" Clyde challenges.</p><p>"Oh I am much more than a man now Mosquito." That's from behind us. I turn around and what the actual fuck is that?</p>
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<a name="section0019"><h2>19. A very tired Dova</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>"I have finally bought enough tin foil to piece together my greatest weapon yet!" He's in a giant mech made entirely out of "minions" covered in Tin foil. How in the actual fuck does that even work? And are those people and dogs okay? "GREETINGS! I'd like you to meet MECHA MINION CHAOS SUPREME!" That name is fucking awful.</p><p>"You made that shit and that's the best name you can come up with?"</p><p>"I... well yeah... Y-You Shut up and suffer the wrath of Chaos!" Oh did I say that out loud? Ah well. Looks like we're fighting Butters now. But first he had to say the name wrong once more and make Cartman angry. Fun.</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>Many bruises, scratches, and three long ass phases later and we've defeated Butters and his tin foil minion mech.</p><p>"Alright Chaos Talk! Who gave you the money to do all this?" Stan asks. Butters just continues to lie there.</p><p>Kyle shakes him and yells "Butters! Wake up!"</p><p>"I think he's dead dude." Craig comments.</p><p>"He's not dead" Cartman says kicking him. Butters grunts and moves to cover his face.</p><p>"He probably passed out from exhaustion like I'm about to. Can we head back now?" I say, emphasizing my point with an involuntary yawn. I'm gonna need someone to literally drag me through all my classes.</p><p>"Yeah I think we better bring him back to base fellas." Jimmy says.</p><p>"Alright, come on let's take him out to the holding cell." Coon says picking him up off the ground.</p><p>"The holding cell? Oh jeeze, it's kinda late fellas. I should go home or I'm gonna be grounded." Butters says.</p><p>"You should've thought of that before you tried to lava the town Chaos." Cartman says walking away with the others following close behind. I go to tell Cartman to cool it but I'm interrupted by my own yawn.</p><p>Also Kyle addressing Stan. "Hey dude. It was great working with you again man. It was just like old times."</p><p>Stan turns around to face both of us and shrugs before saying "Yeah well... I told you- this was a one-shot deal." This sounds like a couple of ex's who hooked up one last time after years of not seeing each other. And despite what they said/are saying they're going to get back together again cause that's how that shit usually works.</p><p>Or not cause they were going back and forth while I was stuck in my thoughts and now Stan is gone and Kyle is sad. And I am tired. But of fucking course we have to have another meeting before I can attempt to sleep. Apparently we're trying to figure out who payed Butters. So an actual thing that's kinda a legit question. The others are theorizing that it's an adult which no shit it's and adult how the hell would a kid have that kind of spending money? Course Butters doesn't fucking know who it is either nor does anyone else apparently according to him. Also apparently I blacked out for a minute or something cause now Kyle and Cartman are arguing over Mitch Conner and Hand puppets. How are they related I don't know because I'm not really listening.</p><p>Also all the others with the exception of Craig and obviously Kyle seem to think that Mitch Conner is a viable candidate for who paid Butters. Judging by the hand puppet on the tablet that's taped to the coon whatever the fuck I'm now realizing that Mitch is the hand puppet and the majority of my friends are even dumber than I thought. And now Kyle's bailed. Fuck it I'm going too, not like I'm gonna retain any of this information. I think Coon dismissed everyone anyways cause now Craig is asking if I'm okay.</p><p>"Mmhmm. 'M jus' really tired" I say, some of the words coming out slurred from my exhaustion.</p><p>"Alright Man just go to bed then. See ya at school tomorrow. Night Mutt Butt." Craig says patting me on the shoulder and waving me off. I think I responded to him but honestly I'm not sure if that was just me thinking about responding or not. Oh I'm in front of my house. When did that happen? Jesus I need sleep.</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>|•|Kenny's POV|•|</strong>
</p><p>Where in the actual fuck is my boyfriend? The first bell rang and the tardy bell rings in like a minute.</p><p>"Okay what the fuck did you guys do at the U-Stor- it last night, and did it cause both my boyfriend and Butters to die?" I ask turning towards Kyle.</p><p>"Classified, though I'm surprised Stan hasn't said anything to the Freedom Pals, neither Butters or your boyfriend are dead. I guess Cartman still has Butters fucking locked up and I have no idea where  Dova is." Kyle responds.</p><p>"Locked up? Fucking where? In the 'holding pen' that's literally just a giant glorified dog crate?" I ask with a raised brow.</p><p>"Yuuuup." He confirms, popping the p. The Tardy bell rings and there's still no sign of Dovahkiin. It's not till a few minutes after the tardy bell for second period rings that Dova comes shuffling in looking like a mess with a mumbled apology and an explanation that he slept in late. Rather than scolding him Mr.Limdic, or as we call him, Limpdick, just kinda looks him up and down before saying he should've slept in a few hours longer. That's a shocker. He's actually being an understanding person for once and showing slight concern for his students! That's pretty damn rare for his angry ass. At least he's not homophobic or racist or anything like that. Luckily PC principle fired every one who fell under those categories. If only he could fire the plain old asshole teachers too.</p><p>I wait for Limpdick to turn his back and continue on his rambling before grabbing Dov's arm, causing him to remove his face from the desk to look at me slightly. I mouth the question " Are you okay?" To which he smiles tiredly and nods.</p><p>That's it. I'm threatening Cartman and making him give Dovy a break tonight. And if he says no I don't care and I'm sticking to him to ensure he sleeps.</p><p>After what felt like days but was really like 45 minutes since it's early day, second period ends and as we're making our way towards 3rd I pull Dova aside.</p><p>"What happened last night? I know it was something with the U-Stor-It and I'm aware that you can't say exactly what but just-"</p><p>"I'm fine Ken. Only thing big that really happened was Cartman being a dumbass and injecting Craig with some shit he got online to 'Stablize' him." Dovahkiin interrupts me.</p><p>"Ah so that's why Tweek slapped him and called him an idiotic asshole. Didn't even stutter or anything." I say recalling Tweek storming up to the Fatass and doing just that.</p><p>"Aw man I wish I could've seen that." Dova pouts. "We stayed out so late last night that I actually just passed out once I got home. My parents being the morons they are slept in too and I only woke up cause they were yelling about how my ungrateful ass didn't wake them up." He explains.</p><p>"Aw Dova." I rub his back in pity. "If it makes you feel any better I'm pretty sure Stan recorded Tweek slapping fat boy."</p><p>"Awesome." He says giving me a tired smile. Yep I'm gonna fucking tie him to a bed if that's what it takes to get him to sleep.</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>It's lunch now and the moment after Stan showed Dova the video he layed his head down and went to sleep. So far he's remained awake it both the classes that he was present for but I don't think he retained any of the information.</p><p>"Does he even have a lunch?" Kyle asks as he looks at Dov with concern.</p><p>"It doesn't look like it." I reply.</p><p>"Th-that's only gonna m-make things worse for him I-Isn't it?" Tweek questions.</p><p>"Oh it's definitely gonna make things worse. Which is exactly why I brought an extra snack bag of Cheezits." Craig says moving around to our side of the table to shove the bag of cheesy crackers in his pocket.</p><p>"Thanks Craig. I definitely would've done that if I could but you know." I say shrugging.</p><p>"No problem. Dov is one of my best friends. Course I'm gonna be concerned about his dumbass not taking care of himself." He responds with a wave of his hand as he sits back down with Tweek. "Besides I kinda owe him for helping me get back together with Tweek." He emphasizes this by pecking the spazzy blond on the cheek.</p><p>"You're homosexual, stop it!" Stan shouts throwing his empty juice box at them.</p><p>"Oh god please don't start a food fight." Kyle groans.</p><p>"Don't tell me what to do!" Craig responds before he pulls out a banana from his bag. "Choose your weapon nave!"</p><p>"Don't you mock me peasant! You don't have a chance!" Stan responds picking up his "healthy" fruit roll.</p><p>"You're both stupid. Why do I have Cheezits?" Dovahkiin says sitting up and pulling them out of the his jacket pocket.</p><p>"You're welcome, now eat you bitch." Craig responds.</p><p>"Bu-"</p><p>"Just eat them. I don't want to deal with your whiny ass later." Craig responds. Dova begins grumbling about "aggressive kindness" as he opens the crackers and eats them with a pout. And then the bell rings and he continues doing just that as we walk down the hall to fourth period.</p>
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<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Grounded Spies</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>So Wendy wants to meet me in the Bathroom at some point but Cartman has also called a meeting in the Coon lair. Also a blocked number has called me three times now on my way to my house to change an-</p><p>
  <em>"I'm a buff baby that can dance like a man! I can shake a my fanny-"</em>
</p><p>Correction, four times. Fuck it I'm answering it. "Who is this and what do you want?"</p><p>"Hello Alpha Wolf."</p><p>"Let me guess this is Cartman's hand puppet Mitch Conner." I ask as I walk out my door.</p><p>"I-"</p><p>"Just tell me what you want I honestly don't give a fuck about how your weird ass fucked up mind works."</p><p>"Fine. We aren't that different you and I. We both want what's best for this City." Isn't South Park a town? "I know you probably got places to be but how about you come talk to me instead?"</p><p>"And would that be at Cartman's house or some bullshit place so you can pretend you're not just his fucking hand?"</p><p>"I'm at the So DoSoPa ruins. Come on, what do the Coon friends really have to offer you?"</p><p>"You don't have to convince me dick cheese I'm already playing along with your dumbass even though I know that this is probably a trap."</p><p>"I would nev-" I cut him off by hanging up. I doubt Cartman and his stupid hand have actually been behind everything but I swear that if he somehow has been behind all this shit I'm going to cut off his hands and then drown him in Stark's Pond. Whatever, time to go to the totally not a trap. I head up to the top of the falling apart building expecting to find- well actually I don't know what I was expecting but a fat dude in a suit talking about ninjas with the same name as a Chinese food place, wasn't it. Speaking of ninjas guess I'm fighting them now. Or not cause the man that is very obviously Mr. Kim from City Wok, is demanding to be paid ahead of time. The business guy brings up the good point that he's not even Japanese and yet is pretending to be a ninja but whatever.</p><p>"Okay... Hello we are from a City Ninja, I'm afraid we got paid to uh, assassinate you today. So uh, we have to do that of course." Mr. Kim says walking up to me. "UNLESS, you want to pay us not to. Five thousand dolla'"</p><p>"Don't you think I've helped get you more than five thousand dollars by taking out the Mongolian tower a couple years ago?" I attempt to negotiate seeing as I don't want to fight if I can avoid it.</p><p>"What? I have no idea what you are talking about. You know too much! We are gonna have to murder you now!" Okay now I'm fighting them. Fantastic.</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>"It's so hard to find a good ninja these days. No matter we are definitely gonna be coming after you now." Mr. Kim says leaving. Great now I've got to worry about 9th graders, Raisin girls and ninjas. Fuck my life.</p><p>Whatever time to head off to The Coon lair now. I get there and take a seat with out saying anything.</p><p>"Dude you literally look worse every time you come in here." Clyde comments.</p><p>"Thanks I appreciate your compliment." I respond sarcastically, flipping him off for good measure.</p><p>Before He can respond Cartman begins ranting off again. "Coon Friends these are dark times. We now know for a fact that Scrambles, the missing cat, is part of a larger conspiracy" Yeah I've been aware of that since the first fucking mission. Pretty sure at least half of us have. "We also know that the fucking Freedom pals have more information about this conspiracy than we do. Fuck!" He shouts slamming his fists on the table. Again, I've known that from our first encounter with them. I mean we literally we got our first lead from them.</p><p>"Maybe we should just face it guys. Maybe Freedom Pals have a better super-Franchise than us." They certainly are more competent than Coon and Friends I can tell you that much. Cartman scolds Clyde and claims they only know shit because they are "butt fucking traitors that sold out." Scott then brings up that they have Timmy as a leader to which Cartman responds that he only has those powers because he claimed he had them when they were making up their personas. Which honestly I'm not sure that's true because he seems to legit have powers. Then again so do some of the others but whatever.</p><p>Now they're trying to figure out how to get the information that the Freedom Pals have.</p><p>"We send a spy." Okay time to pay attention again because if they choose me as the spy I'm definitely turning double agent on their asses. "Somebody that they either don't know very well or would have a reason to switch sides."</p><p>"Well that would leave us with Alpha Wolf and Super Craig wouldn't it?" Mosquito points out. "I mean they both have boyfriends who are Freedom pals."</p><p>"No that leaves us with just Wolf. They already know how loyal to Coon and Friends I am. Plus me and Tweek already agreed that our relationship wouldn't change anything with the game." Craig responds. He definitely knows I'm gonna bail on them and yet he's helping me anyways. This is why he's one of my best friends.</p><p>"Okay so Dova joins Freedom pals, then asks for assistance investigating the community center." Jimmy says.</p><p>"Good thing he's good at bullshiting." Clyde comments.</p><p>"Yeah but you'll never get past the security grid. They change it every day." Scott responds.</p><p>"I can get Dovahkiin inside." Butters interrupts. "I've got hacking abilities remember? Cause I'm a gadgeteer class with a tinkerer ability." Speaking of best friends. He probably doesn't realize I'm gonna swap sides yet but he's supposed to be a villain anyways so it shouldn't affect him too much. After a single sentence of convincing Cartman opens the stupid dog crate and lets Butters out. He instructs us to go and infiltrate Freedom Pal's base with the instructions to kill Butters if he does anything funny.</p><p>"Yeah yeah sure whatever." I say getting up and heading towards the stairs.</p><p>"Oh and Alpha Wolf?" I turn to look at Coon. "Don't you dare betray us"</p><p>"Wouldn't dream of it." I say with crossed finger behind my leg and giving a salute before heading up the stairs. Why dream of it if I can just do it you know?</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p><strong>~Butter's POV~</strong><br/>"You're about to see the Chamber of Chaos, Alpha Wolf. There's no way to unsee the horrors within!" I warn Dov as we head up stairs.</p><p>"If you're referring to your room then we both know mine is filled with far greater 'horrors' than yours is." He responds, putting air quotes around horrors.</p><p>"Yeah I guess you've got a point." I nod as we make our way towards my room. I immediately begin looking through my drawer in search of my pet hamster.</p><p>"Ah here you are! My Minion! Hey little buddy you ready to go hack some stuff?"</p><p>"How's a hamster gonna help us hack things?" Dovahkiin questions looking at him.</p><p>"Well usually I just set him next to some wires and he-"</p><p>"Butters!" My dad walks in and yells at me making both Dov and I jump. "Where have you been mister?!"</p><p>"Oh, hey dad. I budda I've just been hanging out with my friends and uh-" I manage to some what stutter out a response before he cuts me off again .</p><p>"YOU DIDN'T COME HOME LAST NIGHT BUTTERS! YOUR MOM AND I WERE WORRIED SICK! WE COULD BARELY ENJOY THE MOVIE WE WERE WATCHING!"</p><p>"I'm sorry Dad. I just... my friends... and I didn't really mean to-"</p><p>"Sorry is not gonna cut it Mr! And you! What have you been forcing my son into?"</p><p>"Okay hey woah! I didn't do anything! Cartman was the one to go over the top last night, it-"</p><p>"Don't you talk back to me! That does it! Butters you are GROUNDED! And so is your smartass little friend!" My dad yells slamming the door. I immediately go to sit down in front of my bed.</p><p>"What the fuck?" Dovahkiin curses, staring at the door in disdain. "First of all he literally has no power to ground me, second of all he shouldn't have grounded you because it wasn't your fault!"</p><p>"Yeah well... we can't really do anything about it so it's best to just go with it and wait till he lets us out." I say with a shrug. "That new security thing my dad installed is really fancy." I begin playing the harmonica to try and entertain myself.</p><p>"What's the likelihood that we would break a bone if we-"</p><p>"We aren't jumping out the window." I cut him off. "We'd probably break a leg at the least. Plus it would only make my dad angrier."</p><p>"Alright fine, then how about you tell me how your hamster hacks things."</p><p>"Oh well first he has to have his minion cape and helmet on. Then I'll usually just put him next to the wires of the thing I want to hack, he'll nibble on them a little and then start to do a funny little dance. After he finishes his dance he goes flying off an- Dova What are you doing?"</p><p>"Hacking." He replies, throwing my minion up to the wires of the security thing. Sure enough my minion starts hacking and the terminal lets out a beep and when Dovahkiin twists the door knob the door opens. "You coming?" Dov asks.</p><p>"Wowie Dovahkiin I've never even thought of throwing my minion to hack things!" I say as we leave my room and head downstairs. Once in the living room however we are met by my dad again.</p><p>"But... But that's impossible! I grounded you! How could you be here right now!?" He asks dumbfounded.</p><p>"Um cause I don't listen to my own parents so why should I listen to you?" Dovahkiin responds snarkily.</p><p>"You have some kind of ability to unground people?"</p><p>"Yeah sure that's exactly what I just said." Dov responds with an eye roll.</p><p>"So whoever you touch becomes ungrounded is that it? Your evil magic is not welcomed here darkling!"</p><p>"Oh boy time to fight another parent." Dovahkiin mumbles. I'm about to fight my own dad oh geeze.</p>
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<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Kenterrogation</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>|•|Kenny's POV|•|</strong>
</p><p>"Okay so Wonder Tweek, Tupperware and I will go entertain the elderly while Mysterion makes sure that no one breaks in or disturbs Dr. Timothy's work. Then-"</p><p>"Wait shut up a second." I say cutting Toolshed off at the sound of high pitched shrieking?</p><p>"Gah! What is that w-weird squealing?" Tweek asks.</p><p>"I don't know everyone hide." I order. Soon after the squealing stops the sound of the door opening followed by footsteps coming down the stairs reaches my ears. There is then a distinct whistle of amazement. Soon after that I hear what sounds like Butters talking.</p><p>"Gee wiz now this is a superhero base." As he's rambling off I decide to sneak up behind the intruders. However the moment I leap out of my hiding spot one of the intruders turns around and faces me with a sheepish grin and a wagging tail.</p><p>"Hey babe."</p><p>"Dovahkiin what the fuck are you doing here?" Token asks, also coming up out of his hiding place.</p><p>"Weeelllll Cartman told me to come spy on the Freedom pals. But oh no! My one true weakness! I've fallen for mysterion's charm." Dovahkiin says with a very fake distressed tone and a hand to his forehead.</p><p>"Wait does that mean you're switching sides?" I ask getting excited.</p><p>"Yuuuup." Dovahkiin says, grin widening. I immediately jump at him and wrap him into a hug.</p><p>"S-so We've got Alpha Wolf on our side now? A-awesome!" Tweek says.</p><p>"Now hold on a minute everyone." Dr. Timothy says coming out. Dovy and I release each other from our hug and turn to look at him.</p><p>"While Dovahkiin switching sides on his own is very believable why is Chaos here?" He questions.</p><p>"W-well I just wanted to help A-alpha Wolf switch franchises a-and yours just seems more open and progressive and..." Butters starts ranting off stuttering everywhere as Doc T. is clearly trying to read his mind.</p><p>"You get anything?" Tweek asks.</p><p>"The aluminum foil on his head seems to be blocking my abilities." He responds.</p><p>"Okay well what about Dovahkiin? I mean why now and not earlier?" Token responds. I really shouldn't be doubting my boyfriend right now but all the others are kinda making me doubt my boyfriend right now. I know that he said once he got Tweek and Craig back together he'd switch but he didn't do it immediately.</p><p>"We can see if Alpha Wolf's intentions are pure. We are sending-"</p><p>"Hang on Doc, You've seen how exhausted Wolf has been recently. I'm not sure sending him out to exhaust him even more is a good idea."</p><p>"You make a good point. Then what do you suggest we do to ensure he's not lying?"</p><p>"Oh I can ensure that, I am his kryptonite after all. Just give us a minute alone in the training room." I say, grabbing him by his dog collar and dragging him behind the curtain. Once safely behind it a ways I swing Dov around and down onto the floor.</p><p>"Um Ow? What the fuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhh? Kenny?" Before he can finish complaining, I walk back over and pull him up a bit by the collar and straddle him so that both my legs are on either side of his. I then being to slowly pet behind his ears still without saying anything.</p><p>Once his tail is thumping against the floor at a steady rate, I lean closer so that my mouth is right next to his human ear before whispering in my Mysterion voice "Dovy?" I can feel him shiver at the question and hear him whimper in response. "You're not trying to trick us are you?" I continue</p><p>"W-What? No why would-"</p><p>I pull him back into place against my shoulder so I can kiss his neck a bit. He lets out a small groan followed by a whimper as I bite down a bit before returning to his ear. "Are you a good dog or a bad dog?"</p><p>"Good." He responds immediately.</p><p>"Good. Because bad dogs that try to trick there boyfriends," I say as I stand up and resume petting beings his ear(which he leans into) "don't get the rewards that honest good dogs get." I finish off my statement with my fingers combing through Dova's hair a few times before walking away. I hear him let out a whimper as I walk back to the entrance. I hold open the curtain and look back at my ruffled up, blushing, and pouting boyfriend. "Well come on." He continues to sit there and pout for a bit before letting out a huff, standing up and following me out of the room.</p><p>"I don't want to know what you guys did in there do I?" Token asks, a disturbed look on his face.</p><p>"Relax, we kept our clothes on and everything. Anyways I can guarantee you that Alpha Wolf is indeed on our side. Even if he wasn't before, he certainly is now. I can understand if you still don't want to show him your work though Dr. Timothy." I reply.</p><p>"That will be decided on a later date. For now I recommend that you ensure he gets some rest. We will need him for tonight." Timmy responds before turning to the others. "As for you four, Well you best be heading off on your mission now."</p><p>"Four?" Dovy asks.</p><p>"Yes Chaos is to be joining them as a test of sorts."</p><p>"Ah." He nods.</p><p>"Alright come on Chaos, we've got the elderly to entertain." Token says.</p><p>"Oh, well okay."</p><p>"And you sir, are gonna go the fuck to sleep while I guard Doc T." I say pulling Dova over towards the curtain and sitting down right in front of it.</p><p>"Okay okay okay sheesh. I'll get some sleep." He says laying down in front of me and placing his head in my lap. I immediately begin to thread my fingers through his slightly curly mop of brown hair. Soon enough I am graced with a peacefully snoozing boyfriend. Now it's time to announce his freedom from the Coon and fucks.</p><p> </p><p>
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  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>I wake up god knows how much later but the rest of the guys are back and they're all on their phones and laughing.</p><p>"What did I miss?"  I question, sitting up from Ken's lap.</p><p>"So I may or may not of posted a picture of you sleeping with the caption "You're spy is ours now bitch" and tagged Cartman in it." Kenny responds.</p><p>"Yeah so now he's like spamming all of us and ranting and raving on Coonstagram." Stan adds.</p><p>"Oh goody where's my phone I wanna get in on this." I say patting my pockets. Ken takes it out of his own pocket and hands it to me.</p><p>Fucking 30 messages from Cartman, 3 from Craig, 2 from Kyle, 1 from Scott, 5 from Clyde, and 3 from Jimmy. And a shit load of Coonstagram notifications.</p><p>Let's start with the "nice" ones.<br/><strong>Craig</strong><br/><strong>C:</strong> I fucking knew you were gonna bail ass wipe</p><p><strong>C:</strong> Good to see you're actually fucking sleeping though</p><p><strong>C:</strong> Don't do the nasty with Ken and keep an eye on Tweek for me Mutt Butt</p><p>
  <strong>Kyle</strong>
</p><p><strong>K:</strong> I fucking knew you were ditching us fuck boi</p><p><strong>K:</strong> Make sure you two use a condom and make sure he can walk tomorrow!</p><p>"Kyle and Craig are nasty but obviously not bothered by this." I comment.</p><p>"They tell you to be safe too?" Ken asks.</p><p>"Preeeeetty much." I reply dragging out the 'e' in pretty.</p>
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<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Crabs and Mrs. Cartman</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <strong>^~^Wendy's POV^~^</strong>
</p><p>Finally after hours of waiting Alpha Wolf arrives at the "cisgender" bathroom. But I can't really be all that mad because he was apparently getting some desperately needed sleep so that's good. I'm sure upon waking up he had to do a bit of damage control with the whole switching sides or whatever cause Kenny sure as hell wasn't. And that's just what I was seeing on Coonstagram. Usually it's the other way around but I guess Ken is especially annoyed with Cartman. Can't say I blame him. No matter, there are more important matters at hand! Like getting my phones to work properly because Tweek Bro's Coffee WiFi is just not cutting it!</p><p>"So what's up?" Alpha Wolf asks me whilst stretching. "And why exactly are we in the stupid 'cis' bathroom that no one uses?"</p><p>"Because it's one of the few places that we can meet in private without either of us getting weird looks or in trouble."</p><p>"Ah."</p><p>"Anyways I've got a problem Dova. You and I seem to be the only ones who've noticed the changes going on. I've been watching as the adults in our town act stranger and stranger, but nobody will listen to me! I started cross-referencing everyone's Instagrams. Whoever did this has to pay."</p><p>"Did what exactly?" Dov questions with a head tilt. "I mean as you said a lot has been happening sooooo."</p><p>"Something is up with my phones. I'm going to the Mobile Company to find out what happened. But I can't do this alone."</p><p>"Oh". He says with a sigh. He sounds disappointed.</p><p>"What? Why'd you say it like that?"</p><p>"I dunno I just- never mind forget about it let's just go." He replies walking out of the bathroom.</p><p>"What were you going to say?" I ask again following after him.</p><p>"Nothing Wendy."</p><p>"Dovahkiin Lupo if you don't tell me what-"</p><p>"Alright Jesus! <em>No wonder you and Stan broke up.</em>" He cuts me off mumbling something at the end that I couldn't quite catch.</p><p>"What was that last part?" I ask.</p><p>"Nothing. Anyways What I was gonna say before is that I was kinda expecting more than just phone issues. I kinda expected something more important than that."</p><p>"This is important Dovahkiin!"</p><p>"Uh Huh sure." He says with an eye roll. I'm about to respond but he cuts me off before I can even open my mouth. "Let's just drop it. We're at the store... now.... anyways?" He pauses a lot and his brows knit together in confusion.</p><p>"What? Is something wrong."</p><p>I watch as his nose crinkles up and he gives a nod. "It reeks of like fish or something."</p><p>"Ugh now that you mention it it does smell kinda like..."</p><p>"Crab?" He supplies glancing at me. I nod. "Please don't tell me those freaky crab people took over the Mobile Company."</p><p>"I think they did. Come on, let's go see for ourselves and take it back." I say opening the door and stepping inside. Sure enough there's a Crab person at the front desk. "Play it cool for now so they don't know we're on to them. That way we can do a sneak attack." I whisper towards A.W. He gives me a nod and we approach the front desk.</p><p>"Welcome to D-Mobile can I help you?"</p><p>"Yeah I'm having a lot of problems connecting to the internet." I reply. I then glance at Alpha Wolf and give a slight nod which he returns.</p><p>"YOUR NAME AND D-MOBILE NUMBER PLEASE." The Crab person we are talking to shouts.</p><p>"YOUR NAME AND D-MOBILE NUMBER PLEASE." Another one repeats the first, coming out from the back.</p><p>"Uh yeah it's Fist to the fish face and a big fuck you." D says punching him. "Before you say anything I'm aware crabs are crustaceans and I was gonna say kick the crab face instead but I can't kick that high." Alpha explains as we take a few steps back from the approaching angry crabs.</p><p> </p><p>
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  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>"Bleh I smell like crab now." I complain as we finish off the last of the crab people. The people who actually work here then walk up to us seemingly having untied themselves from their ropes.</p><p>"Oh, thank you Call Girl... I don't know what those things were but they smelled like crab and kissed like people. How can we repay you?" How in the flying fuck would they know that they kissed like people? Actually, I don't want to know.</p><p>"Just get my phone working again, all right?" Wendy replies. I mean I would've asked for like a free plan upgrade or something but I guess Wendy isn't like that. To be fair a super hero shouldn't be like that but I'm a greedy little 7th grader so sue me. Wait did they just thank Wendy for saving the store <em>again</em>? As in this has happened before?</p><p>"Wendy how many times has this happened here?" I ask as we leave the store.</p><p>"Too many times." She says with a sigh and a shake of her head. "Anyways Thanks for the help. If you ever smell crab or need the favor returned just call me."</p><p>"I'll keep that in mind. Later." I say waving her off. Alright now what do I do? I get a phone call that's what I do. A phone call frooooom- Mrs Cartman? Uh okay then, "Um hi Mrs Cartman how can I help you?"</p><p>"Hello Dovahkiin I was hoping you could help me out a little bit. I could really use a hero right now. Eric and the others are off doing other things you see."</p><p>"Oh um okay? What seems to be the problem?"</p><p>"Well my tutoring business seems to have attracted the attention of a competitor." She explains.</p><p>I'm about to ask how I'm supposed to help with that when I hear a man's voice shout " I hear you in there, ho! Come get this ass whoopin! This my block." You know I'm really starting to regret helping Mrs. C with that business but I mean my mom really wanted that brownie recipe and I really like those brownies. Course I should've known that they wouldn't be the same since my mom isn't the best at baking but hey, a boy can dream.</p><p>"Um could you come by for a teensy moment and help me handle this?"</p><p>"Yeah I'll be over there in a few minutes to help you out Mrs. Cartman."</p><p>"Oh wonderful! Thanks Daddy!"</p><p>OOOOOOKAAAAAY PRETENDING THAT I DIDN'T HEAR THAT! I'M NEVER SLEEPING OVER AT CARTMAN'S PLACE AGAIN NO FUCKING THANK YOU! You know I already didn't want to go over there and fight what sounds like a pimp but now I reeeeeaaaally don't want to go over there. Ah well I already said I'd be there. Better send out a request for back up though just to be safe.</p><p>As I'm walking towards Cartman's place I get responses from Stan, Kenny, and Butters saying they'll be over to help. I get there to discover that the others are already there and are looking at a car that's bright sky blue with gold designs.</p><p>"Do I even want to know what Mrs. Cartman has gotten herself into?" Kenny asks.</p><p>"Well she claims its a 'tutoring' business but tutoring doesn't draw the attention of pimps sooooo." I say putting air quotes around tutoring.</p><p>"Jesus. Whatever let's just help her out and leave." Stan says shaking his head.</p><p>"Good idea. You guys stay back at first though just in case Mrs. Cartman has a way to weasel her way out of this." In hindsight that might've been why she called me Daddy. I hope that's why she called me Daddy. I enter the house while the others duck behind the bushes.</p><p>"There you are Daddy!" I can hear Ken and Stan making gagging and vomiting noises. I would say fake noises but with Stan especially you never know.</p><p>"Oh so this the bitch ass fucker that's been running game in my territory!" Okay so the whole Daddy thing is a cover up. Thank god. "Fine, I'ma fuck you up! Then I'ma take this desperate housewife-looking bitch and put her to work for me, youknowwhatimsayin'?"</p><p>"Woah Woah woah, hey now that's a bit fucking rude! And this is exactly why I brought back up."</p><p>"You know I was a pimp myself once until I found out it wasn't a good thing."</p><p>"Don't remind us Butters." Stan replies</p><p>"Use that strong hand to convince these ladies to work for you Daddy."</p><p>"Okay please stop calling my Boyfriend Daddy Mrs. Cartman you are simultaneously pissing me off and disgusting me." Kenny replies.</p><p>"I think I'm just gonna stick with fighting them Mrs. Cartman." I say as I attack the one closest to me an- did... did she just moan a bit? OKAY GUESS I'M GONNA GO KILL MYSELF AFTER THIS! I'VE BEEN FAR TOO TRAUMATIZED TODAY! Unfortunately I've got to deal with this fight first. Ugh, why do I accept these bullshit quest things?</p>
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<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Marching Home</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>With Avatar the Last Air Bender being on Netflix now and gain popularity again, the reference in the chapter is actually relevant.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>I now have three adult woman calling me Daddy and one of them is my asshole of a friend's mom. Speaking of said asshole he just came home.</p><p>"Hey mom, traitorous assholes." He greets looking around. "Uh Mom."</p><p>"Yes sweetie?"</p><p>"Why is there a dead pimp and prostitutes in the house?"</p><p>"Oh, they're just your aunts and uncle, honey." Mrs. Cartman lies. She's aware that Eric knows that's complete bullshit right?</p><p>"Okaaay and why are these traitors here?" He asks gesturing to Ken, Stan, Butters, and I.</p><p>"Honestly we don't know either" Kenny responds.</p><p>"Uh huh." Coon says clearly skeptical. I mean Kenny isn't exactly wrong. I'm really fucking confused about what just happened and I'd imagine they are equally if not more so confused as well.</p><p>"You know, I left some sugary snacks in the kitchen for you, sweetie." Mrs Cartman changes the subject.</p><p>"Okay Mom. Um you continue doing whatever weird shit you Freedom fucks are doing." He responds walking passed us and into the kitchen.</p><p>"You know what I think we're just gonna go too. You three have fun doing whatever the fuck it is that you want to do." I say waving them off before I speed walk out of the house with the other three.</p><p>"That has got to be one of the weirdest battles I've ever been in." Butters says, looking slightly horrified. "I can't believe I used to be in that business."</p><p>"Butters what did I say about reminding us about that?" Stan replies.</p><p>"Um, Don't?"</p><p>"Exactly."</p><p>"Hey ToolShed, Dr.Timothy just sent me a text saying that he needs us back at base." Mysterion says, looking at his phone.</p><p>"Well let's head back then."</p><p>"Should me and Chaos head back too?" I question.</p><p>"Actually I was wondering if you could help me with something." Butters replies.</p><p>"Oh Okay sure. I'll see you guys later then."</p><p>"Kay. See ya later babe." Ken says pecking me on the cheek before waving at Butters, "Bye Butters"</p><p>"Ew PDA. Bye MuttButt, See ya Chaos!" Stan says waving and walking away along side Kenneth.</p><p>"So What seems to be the problem Butters? And where we going?"</p><p>"So uh you know how I hired a bunch of minions because I was given all that money?"</p><p>"Riiiight."</p><p>"Well I kinda can't pay them anymore because you guys foiled my plans and I didn't get paid so now they're all pissed off."</p><p>"Jesus Christ Butters." I say face palming. "So What exactly are we doing now?"</p><p>"Going to the bank to see if we can get things settled there."</p><p>"Alright let's hope this actually works and that nothing bull shit happens."</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>|•|Kenny's POV|•|</strong>
</p><p>"Attention Freedom Pals, we have a mission tonight at the Police station in which we'll be investigating the suspicious activity there. Be sure to be prepared and well rested." I say into the Skype call, looking to Dova's web cam at my last comment.</p><p>"You're glaring at me in particular aren't you?"</p><p>"W-We'll be th-there Mysterion" Wonder Tweek responds for himself and Tupperware.</p><p>"Same for me." Toolshed confirms.</p><p>"I'll be there too if I'm allowed." Chaos says, clearly unsure of himself.</p><p>"You've proven yourself trust worthy Chaos, you'll be a useful asset." I nod at him.</p><p>"Assuming you don't chain me to a bed I'll be there." Alpha Wolf responds.</p><p>"Alright then. Wolf meet me in front of the bus stop, the rest of you be on your way. Mysterion out." I end the call before heading up the stairs, out of Token's house and towards the bus stop. Once there I'm met with my boyfriend laying in the snow face down and screaming.</p><p>"Dovy? You alright there?" I ask, taking off my hood.</p><p>He then immediately springs up and turns to look at me. "Yeah I was just relieving stress."</p><p>"Uh huh." I say looking at him in concern. "Well I was thinking that since Dr. Timothy wants me to walk you to the mission site anyways, it'd be easier if you were just already at my house." I say with a slight smile, attempting to mask my concern.</p><p>I doubt it actually works but Dov seems unbothered by it nonetheless as he's now full blown open mouth smiling at me with his tail going wild. "Sounds like a great idea Ken."</p><p>Suddenly his smile drops into a frown and his tail stills before dropping down. "What's wrong?"</p><p>"Oh I just realized I still have to tell my parents and get my shit and stuff."</p><p>"Well we can just do that now and hope they haven't gotten too drunk and high." I say as I slightly pull him towards his house.</p><p>"Yeah I guess. Though it doesn't sound like we'll be so lucky." He says as we approach his house, wolf ears pinned to his head. He then opens the door and we're immediately met with yelling.</p><p>"YOU STUPID FUCKING COW! HAVE ANOTHER GLASS OF CHARDONNAY WHY DON'T YOU!?" Oh boy.</p><p>"Let's grab my shit and then tell them I'm sleeping over at your's." Dov whispers before we quietly make our way up the stairs, completely unnoticed by his parents. Not that it really muffled the sound of his parents' shouting.</p><p>"I HAVE TO DRINK TO DEAL WITH YOU! THAT MARIJUANA IS CHANGING YOU SOMEHOW!" I can tell Dova is trying to ignore it and so am I but it's kinda hard to.</p><p>"AT LEAST MARIJUANA IS NATURAL! NOT LIKE... GRAPES!" Jesus his dad is dumber than mine sometimes.</p><p>"YOU'RE FUCKING HIGH!"</p><p>"MAYBE SO, BUT I'M NOT TELLING EVERYONE OUR CHILD'S SECRETS!"</p><p>"Pretty sure the only secret that your child has is already known by the entire town." Dova mumbles. "Do you think your parents would mind if I spend a few nights over there as long as I don't like eat food?"</p><p>"GO BE PARANOID SOME MORE IN YOUR ROOM CHRIS!"</p><p>"Dovahkiin you can't just not eat food for a few days." I sigh. "Besides they'll be fine with it either way."</p><p>"HAVE ANOTHER DRINK KELLY!" The last shout is followed by some stomping up the stairs before there's a pause just outside the door.</p><p>"Oh hey kiddos! When did you get here?"</p><p>"A while ago." Dov replies not turning to looking at his dad.</p><p>"Alright son well Daddy's just gonna go next door to his room." He says walking away.</p><p>Dovahkiin just gives a stiff nod. Once his dad is gone I walk over to rub his tense shoulders. "Of all the words he had to use am I right?" Dov says giving me a half-hearted smile.</p><p>I reciprocate it with one of concern and a soft "Yeah."</p><p>We finish packing up enough stuff to last him a few days before heading back downstairs where we find his mom crying in the kitchen. Dova awkwardly fake coughs to get her attention.</p><p>"O-Oh heya sweetheart. Mommies perfectly fine n-no need to worry about her." She says turning to glance at him briefly while clearly wiping away her tears as she sips on her drink.</p><p>"Um Mom..."</p><p>"Yes hun?"</p><p>"I uh... I'm gonna spend the next few days with Kenny. I..." He pauses and I grab his hand to give him some comfort. He takes a deep breath before letting it out and continuing. "I honestly can't be here with you and Dad fighting like this, and don't try to tell me you're not. I'm not just some oblivious little kid. I never was."</p><p>"B-But Dovahkiin you-I-w-"</p><p>"If you're worried about the food situation don't. My family has been doing better with actually being functional." I interrupt.</p><p>"And it's not like I've been eating the medicated food you give me anyways. Look mom I'm tired okay? And I can't sleep in this house anymore or deal with the constant yelling Okay? I haven't been able to for weeks, not that you guys noticed..." Dovy trails off gripping my hand tighter before turning away and continuing. "I just need to be away for awhile okay? A lot of things are going on and I just can't have this adding to all the stress. I'll see you later mom. I still love you. I'll always love you. I just, I don't... I don't like seeing you do this to yourself."</p><p>"Wha- Dovahkiin wait!" But we didn't wait. We just left. Bags in one hand while the other was holding onto each other.</p><p>"Dovy..."</p><p>"I don't wanna talk about it." Is the rough responses. He's clearly trying to choke down his cries, and stop the tears from overflowing. The only thing I can do is lean against him and rub my thumb over his knuckles.</p><p>"I don't want to say it'll be alright but I know we'll at least figure something out." I mumble.</p><p>He just gives a shuddering inhale of breath and a shaky nod in response. "I know." As we walk to my house I squeeze his hand harder and begin to hum some random tune as I lean further against him. He places his head atop my own and begins humming himself. I pause my own humming to listen to the familiar melody.</p><p>"Uncle Iroh." I comment.</p><p>"Yup."</p><p>Rather than entering my house we just sit outside for a while, me in his lap, my head in the junction between his neck and shoulder as he lays his chin on top of my own shoulder. He then begins to hum again.</p><p>"Leaves from the vine, falling so slow." I begin singing the lyrics to his humming. "Like fragile tiny shells, drifting in the foam."</p><p>Dov then stops humming and finishes singing the song with me. "Little soldier boy. Come marching home. Braaave soldier boy. Come Marching home."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If yall wanna listen to a beautiful rendition of Uncle Iroh's song then here you are: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nuUz8v3ouhI&amp;list=PLi2C236yyNhDkiRam5oTXjkEcTJsl6ezA&amp;index=25&amp;t=0s</p><p>If you wanna hear the original then Boop: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f56Cbjwwv-E</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. The Truth</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Just as I said in chapter 11, this chapter along with the next two or three, were written a year ago, and are based off of a game from three years ago. Course that doesn't mean shit like this wasn't happening then too, I mean there's a reason they put it in the game. Its South Park, they thrive off the controversy and fucked upness of the world. That being said, the game was made three years ago. Just something to keep in mind.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>I'm really fucking glad that Kenny's parents understand where I'm coming from and are gonna let me stay awhile. They said as long as I need but I don't think I can legally stay there forever without them adopting me, and that'd just make things weird as shit. Not to mention I don't want to bother them too much, I'm already over there a lot as it is.</p><p>Plus I do still love my parents, I just hate the way their acting now and all their fighting and shit. I also feel kinda bad for leaving the house like that with Mom crying. That being said while leaving was hard it was nice to actually eat a decent dinner for once. And with others around me nonetheless. Oh yeah and actually fucking sleep for once was also very nice. Kenny actually had to wake me up! Crazy right?</p><p>Anyways now we're going somewhere to do something and oh hey look there's my drugged out parents! Oh <em>now</em>  they aren't fighting. Does that mean I'm the problem? Is that guy naked on a bike? Whomst the fuck is Tina and why's that man looking for her?</p><p>"DOVAHKIIN" Kenny suddenly shouts at me, bringing me out of my mile a minute scatter brained thoughts.</p><p>"Huh?" I turn to face him, tilting my head and blinking my probably wide eyes.</p><p>"Are you sure you're okay for this mission? I've been trying to talk to you but you've just been zoned out." He says looking concerned.</p><p>"Oh yeah yeah I'm fine." I say waving him off. "I just got lost in my thoughts, anyways what were you saying?"</p><p>"Nevermind. Look there's the others." Kenny says walking up to Stan, Tweek, Butters, and Token. Oh so we were going to the police station. Honestly with the shit they tried to make me do I'm not surprised that there's some fuckery going on in there. Wait a damn second...</p><p>"Alright Freedom Pals, here's the plan. Once we get-" Mysterion starts.</p><p>"Coon and friends are here." I cut him off.</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"I smell them. They're here."</p><p>"How the fuck did they know to come here?" Token asks angrily.</p><p>I glance at Butters out of the corner of my eye and sure enough he's sweating intensely and fidgeting more than Tweek on a bad day. Dammit Butters, you've gotta stop letting Cartman manipulate you into doing things for him.</p><p>"Yeah, come on guys! We've got to get inside the police station." Cartman is such a terrible actor.</p><p>"What are you Assholes doing here?" Mysterion questions.</p><p>"We're here to investigate a hot lead regarding the South Park Police." Coon responds.</p><p>"Ack! That's what we're doing!" Wonder Tweek shouts back.</p><p>"Yeah but unlike us they don't give two shits about the actually crime going on. They just want the reward money for a stupid fucking cat." I growl out. Sorry Craig and Kyle, but like if you're just gonna let Cartman manipulate Butters then I'm not gonna stand by and let this shit happen.</p><p>"What!?" Mysterion shouts.</p><p>"Dude! What the fuck?!" Human kite complains.</p><p>"That's not cool man." Super Craig says, glaring at me.</p><p>"You know exactly why I just sold you guys out" I glare right back.</p><p>"There wasn't much else we could really do when you just suddenly turned double agent on our asses!" Human Kite fires right back.</p><p>"Wait you know who sold us out?" Token yells at me.</p><p>"Fellas! Fellas! Have we all forgotten there's a little girl in trouble in there?" Jimmy says getting between the two groups. There's a little girl in there? Is that what we're doing here?</p><p>"Fastpass is right. I suppose that just this once, we should put our petty differences aside and work together." Coon says, still sounding like he's reading from a script. I let out a growl and I'm about to yell at them some more but Ken puts a hand on my shoulder, stopping me. I turn to look at him with a mixed look of confusion and frustration. "All right, Mysterion... What's the plan?" Okay come on, they've gotta know something is up. Cartman doesn't just hand over the leadership role willingly. Especially not without a fight.</p><p>"Easy Dovvy." Ken whispers softly, tightening his grip on my shoulder. Evidently I was still growling. Ken clears his throat before addressing everyone else. "I think some of us should draw a diversion. Make the cops head towards it so that the rest can sneak in without the cops noticing."</p><p>"Good idea. Coon and Friends will go up the fire escape and cause the diversion so that Freedom Pals can sneak in the front."</p><p>"Fine go ahead." Tool Shed replies.</p><p>"Ok Coon Friends up the fire escape! Come on guys."</p><p>Once they're in the building I turn to question Kenny. "Why are we just following along with this? They're clearly planing something! I'm telling you they're just after that stupid reward money for the cat and I can guarantee you they won't be sharing the stupid $100."</p><p>"Funny how you kept that information from us till now." Token comments.</p><p>"Excuse me?!"</p><p>"I'm just saying that the fact that your took your sweet ass time to switch sides plus the fact that you withheld information and apparently knew we had a spy that was leaking information makes you pretty suspicious. Makes me think there's more than one spy."</p><p>"I'm not a fucking spy Token! I took so long to switch cause I didn't want to leave one of my best friends alone while he was still depressed about his stupid ass break up! Which by the way, I went out of my way to make sure the problem was resolved. And I'm sorry that the dumb cat slipped my mind because I don't know if you've noticed but a lot of other shit has been happening both in this crazy ass town and at my own home, and I didn't know about the spy until I smelled the fucking Coon and fucks right now!" I yell at Token,  jabbing him in the chest.</p><p>"Enough! Dovahkiin c-calm down, and Token s-stop being so fucking paranoid! I-I know that's h-hypocritical of me but Jesus! He's our fucking friend and K-Kenny's boyfriend. P-plus you know how easily a-annoyed he gets with Cartman! Dova activity g-goes out of his way to s-spite Eric half the t-time! And I know you've got a l-lot going on and I-I appreciate you helping m-me and Craig but that doesn't g-give you the right to l-lash our at y-your f-friends. And I know Token started th-this fight b-but you also l-lashed out at Craig and Kyle." Tweek scolds both of us, getting between us.</p><p>"Okay but what about-" Token starts again.</p><p>"If your gonna ask who the spy is, I'm pretty sure I know who it is too." Stan says from behind me. "And it's not his fault."</p><p>"What do you mean." Token asks. As if on cue, Butters let's out a loud sniffle.</p><p>"I-I-I'm sorry! I-I r-really l-like the fre-free-Freedom Pals But Eric s-said-"</p><p>"Hey hey hey Butters it's okay. I know it's hard for you to say no to him." Kenny says, not bothering with the Mysterion voice and bringing the crying Butters in for a hug. I join the two, wrapping my arms around them both.</p><p>"Hey Butters look I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was you. I thought it was Dovahkiin or something. I know how manipulative Cartman can be, especially with you. I'm not mad at you okay?" Token apologizes.</p><p>"Th-Thank you and I really am sorry fellas I just..." Butters starts, pulling away from the hug and wiping away his tears.</p><p>"We know Butters. It's fine, we'll work through it." Stan reassures.</p><p>"You think that they've distracted the cops yet?" I ask, changing the subject.</p><p>"Let's check." Ken suggests. We peak through the window and see some Cops, doing cocaine? That's totally legal. Definitely not fucked up in anyway shape or form. Nope! Totally normal.</p><p>"C-can you hear what they're s-saying Alpha?" Tweek asks.</p><p>"Something about the Cocaine being weird and calling Hookers." I respond.</p><p>"Well that doesn't sound very cop like" Butters comments.</p><p>"No but sadly it sounds very South Park Cop like." Kenny sighs. "Alright they've left, now let's go."</p><p>We walk in and the cop in the security thing immediately freaks out. "Oh shit, a criminal! And he's with innocent children!" Uh What? Is he talking about me? "Code red! Assault on the Precinct!" Aaaaaand he just shot at Token through the bullet proof glass and it has ricocheted around and now he's dead. Also an alarm is going off.</p><p>"Well this is starting out fantastically" I grumble, wrapping my arms around my head in attempt to cover both my sets of ears. I really hate having two sets of ears, it's weird as fuck.</p><p>"I did not expect that! At least we can get in easily now." Token says walking in there to press the button to unlock the door. Of course no one's affected by that whole scene. Honestly I'd be freaking out more about that if it wasn't for the fact that he was clearly a racist asshole. We walk through and there's a bunch of drugged out cops just doing nothing. Well except for the one having fun with the blow up doll against the door.</p><p>"Where in the flying fuck did these fuck boys come from?" I growl out.</p><p>"Dunno but looks like we've gotta deal with them ourselves" Tool Shed replies. Oh yay cause fighting cops definitely isn't illegal! Whatever they're corrupt as shit anyways.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Idiots in a Police Station</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>Upon defeating all the cops we continue on only to find the chief of police blocking our path.</p><p>"That's enough. Just stand down kids."</p><p>"And why should we do that?" I ask, crossing my arms.</p><p>"Look, I know why you're here." Really? Because if I'm honest I'm not completely sure why I'm here. "You're fed up. Because you think all cops do is harass black people."</p><p>"Well that's definitely not why we are here but yeah that's not fucking cool either." I grumble.</p><p>"I know that to a young kid it can seem like cops are racist and bigoted. But you can't believe what the media tells you."</p><p>"We aren't exactly little kids anymore. We're young teenagers." Kenny responds.</p><p>"Not to mention all the corrupt shit I've seen you guys do was in person. You know like trying to get me to arrest Nicole's dad because you claimed he was a drug lord?" I responded.</p><p>"Okay we were wrong about that and we did capture the real one but he was still a part of the whole thing! Anyways Cops are just people like you! Like your friends, and family. People who work hard to-"</p><p>"SPOOOOK!" A cop shouts from behind, shooting at Token (and thankfully missing), causing all of us to jump.</p><p>"You were fucking saying ass munch?" I growl out while glaring at him.</p><p>"Dammit Levinskky! Get your ass upstairs!"</p><p>"Sir!" Levinskky then runs upstairs with the chief following. </p><p>"And turn on the alarm!"</p><p>"That fucking asshole shot at me!" Token shouts, recovering from his slight shock.</p><p>"G-Get him!" Tweek shouts. We then tried to follow them but of course there's fucking turrets with lasers, cause the police station of a small town needs those. "Why are t-there guns here?" Tweek asks.</p><p>"Dunno but that looks like an override switch." Token points out.</p><p>"Oh how convenient it's passed all the guns. What exactly are we supposed to do with that?" Stan asks.</p><p>"I don't know man! I'm just saying if we can some how flip that switch then we can get past it!" Token replies.</p><p>"Well unless one of us could teleport or some shit then we aren't gonna be able to flip it." Stan reiterates. </p><p>I mean I can teleport but only if there's an alien thingy but I don't really like doing that anyways sooo. Then again I also don't like my weird time fart abilities but- Wait a minute."I can freeze time."</p><p>I receive a chorus of "What?!" in response.</p><p>"I can fart and freeze time."</p><p>"How in the actual fuck can you do that?" Token questions.</p><p>"I have no idea but I can. Hang on."</p><p>"Wait what do you mean hang o-"</p><p>GOTTA GO FUCKING FAST BITCH FLIP THAT SHIT! Okay I didn't have to go that fast but whatever.</p><p>"-n. *cough cough* Jesus what the fuck is that smell an- holy shit you weren't kidding." Stan says plugging his nose and staring wide eyed at the turret.</p><p>"Yeah only problem is that I get poofed back to wherever I was previously because I again don't know why."</p><p>"Right well good job Alpha Wolf. Let's escape the stink tunnel now and find out what's going on here." Kenny says leading us up the stairs. "Oh god dammit."</p><p>"Jesus there's another one!?" Token exclaims.</p><p>"You wanna time fart again dude?" Stan asks.</p><p>"Won't help, that ones not a switch or at least it's not anymore. Looks kinda like it's really fucking broken." I point out.</p><p>"Gaaah! W-why would they e-even have two different s-switches in the first place? A-aren't override switches s-sup-p-posed to override everything!?!?" Tweek shouts in frustration.</p><p>"Because this is South Park that's why." I say with a touch of salt and a big ol' eye roll. "Hey Professor Chaos come with me for a second yeah?"</p><p>"Oh well okay. Why are we going in the vents?"</p><p>"Cause we're gonna hack that shit."</p><p>"But there's a panel covering all the circuits and I don't think my minion has ever hacked anything that advanced before..." Butters says as we climb up the ladder</p><p>I blow the cover off with the snapp n' pops before turning towards him. "Well then this will be a first. May I see your hacking hamster please?" I ask.</p><p>"How dare you touch another man's hamster Dova!" Ken shouts in faked offense and astonishment.</p><p>"Oh hardy har har!" I respond, quietly thanking Butters for allowing me to borrow his "minion" (dear lord that sounds very wrong), before taking aim and "YEET"</p><p>"Wow not only did you take Butters' hamster but you yeeted it too? I'm so sorry Kenny I can't believe that he's done all of this! And in front of you none the less!" Stan says patting him on the shoulder.</p><p>"Oh shut up!"</p><p>"Hey bet you won't jump down from there!" Token challenges.</p><p>"Why would you say that? You know full well he will." Kenny glares at him.</p><p>"I would never do something so stu- HYUP! Ow fuck! A MISTAKE WAS MADE THESE ARE METAL STAIRS!" I had tried to kick off a step and to kinda like somersault down the last few steps on the second flight of stairs a but my leg kinda slipped and now I have a scratch on both my leg and my arm along with many more yet to form bruises. In hindsight, trying to purposefully roll down any number of stairs, no matter the material, was probably a bad idea. </p><p>"Why are you like this? Also are you okay?" Ken asks giving me a look of both concern and disappointment.</p><p>"Yeah I'll be fine."</p><p>"Let me rephrase that for you Mysterion. Are you gonna be okay to continue from here cause we kinda need you?" Stan asks.</p><p>"If someone helps me up then yes." I say throwing my arms up and making grabby hands. Luckily Token and Stan oblige to my stupidity and help me up.</p><p>"W-Wolf your bleeding! I-In two different places!"</p><p>"Yeah that tends to happen when you get a scratch."</p><p>"Dude that's not a scratch that's like a small gash wound." Stan says pulling my arm closer to him.</p><p>"I've had worse."</p><p>"No yo- okay yes you have but that doesn't make that okay!" Stan scolds.</p><p>"Tis but a flesh wound."</p><p>"Stop quoting Monty Python! Anyways let's just move on. I'm not arguing against him because I think we all know his stubborn ass is just gonna continue on no matter what." Kenny says cutting the others off.</p><p>"Kinda why I'm also not arguing though I do think we should do something about those." Butters points out.</p><p>"You'll have to catch me first!" I turn to run up the stairs only to miss the first step and nearly fall on my face. I let out a hiss of pain as both the scratches become agitated with the sudden movement and pressure put on them.</p><p>"W-Well that was easy." Tweek says, carefully grabbing my arm. "T-Turn over so I can heal you fuck boy."</p><p>"Aye-Aye Captain."</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>#*#Tweek's POV#*#</strong>
</p><p>After I put neosporin on his gashes and wrapped them with bandages as fast as I could, we head up the stairs.</p><p>"You know I'm starting to think coming here was a bad idea." Token says.</p><p>"What ever gave you that idea? Was it the racist cops shooting at you, or was it the turrets?" Dovahkiin asks, voice dripping with sarcasm.</p><p>"Shut up Dova." We then go through the doors to the holding cells and every single one of them is black or African American or GAH Dammit I can't remember what PC Principle said was the right and wrong way to refer to them. Is anyone black actually offended by being called black though? Because like I've heard a lot of the older black kids drop the n word which is kinda fucked up and I don't get it? GAH WHY IS ALL THIS PC VS NOT PC SHIT SO CONFUSING!?!?</p><p>"Jesus what in the actual fuck." Dovahkiin says pinching his nose.</p><p>"Hey get us out of here!"</p><p>"Token! Thank god you're here son!" Wow, even Token's parents? Seriously? How bad are these cops? Token's Mom and Dad have helped this town a lot and have donated so much money! They're the ones that funded a good portion of the money for the new middle school and  the new high school! What else is going on in this town? Who else have the police taken without anyone noticing? Have they even been taking care of the actual criminals?</p><p>"Dad! What the fuck are you doing here?" What about all the drugs going around why aren't they dealing with that? GAH! What if they  think they are but have no idea because there's a small group within the police leading them on? I mean not all of them can be bad right?</p><p>"I could ask you the same thing Mister! Why are all of you up this late?" His mom asks.</p><p>But then if the good ones have been tricked into being bad then how are we supposed to know which are the bad ones and which are the ones who were just tricked into being bad?  Or what if the good ones just aren't doing anything about the bad ones? Are they still good if they aren't stopping this shit? WAIT What if they all have the best intentions but are just going about it wrong? But how would locking up and shooting innocent people possibly be "the best intentions?" Okay so that can't be it.</p><p>"Super hero shit or something." Alpha Wolf says with a shrug. "I found a big button."</p><p>GAAAAAH WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO? And what does that button do? What if it releases all the prisoners? Do we really want that? I mean some of the prisoners have to be bad right? Does it release all the prisoners in the building or just the ones here? What if it doesn't even do that? Does it automatically put the building in lock down? GAH WHAT IF ITS A SELF DESTRUCT BUTTON!?</p><p>"Well what does the-" Butters begins to ask before an alarm suddenly starts to go off.</p><p>"Alpha did you just press the alarm button!?" Tool shed yells.</p><p>"No! It said-</p><p>"THEY'RE TRYING TO FREE THE CRIMINALS!" Two police dressed in full swat gear break through the door.</p><p>"Yeah that! Except these aren't criminals you assholes!"</p><p>"Crap! We're surrounded!" Mysterion says.</p><p>"GAH! Don't t-t-tell me we have to fight MORE police!"</p><p>"Kay I won't tell you but uh you might want to!"</p><p>"For the love of- Alpha Wolf can you stop being sassy and sarcastic for five minutes?" Tupperware complains.</p><p>"No but I might be able to for five seconds."</p><p>"DOVAHKIIN!" We all yell at him in annoyance.</p><p>"Fine fine fine I'll stop. For now."</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>|•|Kenny's POV|•|</strong>
</p><p>We beat up all the asshole cops and turn to the door that the first two came out of to once again be met with the chief again.</p><p>"Ok, ok, I know this looks bad... you really think cops go around arresting black people for no reason?"</p><p>"In this town? Yeah. Other more normal places? I sure as hell hope not!" Dovahkiin replies</p><p>"What purpose could that possibly serve? It's reverse discrimination that's what it is! If we were all black cops and our jails were filled with white people, no one would say a word."</p><p>"I mean if all those white people were also innocent just as all of these people are, I sure as hell would still be questioning you." I respond crossing my arms.</p><p>"Oh sure you say that now but would you really? I guess we've all learned that the real bigots are you kids huh? Guess you can all go home now."</p><p>"I mean even if that bullshit was true I wouldn't be going home." Dovahkiin responds.</p><p>"Oh... well Fuck." The chief then proceeds to run away. Again. He's the boss at the end of this isn't he? Greaaaaaat.</p><p>"Poosh button." Dova says weirdly as he presses the button again. This time instead of cops busting through the doors, all the jail cells slide open and all the people cautiously step out.</p><p>"We're innocent, so breaking out of jail isn't a crime right? One of the men in the cell closest to the button asks.</p><p>"I mean I'm pretty sure in most situations it would be but I think this one you get a pass." Stan responds with a shrug.</p><p>"Well I'm not sticking around to find out." A woman responds as they all speed walk down the stairs. Token's parents then make their way over to us with his dad saying something about law suits and the Supreme Court while his mom just scolds him for playing rough.</p><p>"What is with you and buttons?" I ask Dovahkiin, turning towards him with a raised brow.</p><p>"I like to take risks and I also like surprises. You never know what a button is gonna do until you push it, thus it is both."</p><p>"Except the really big and important buttons usually have labels that say what they do." Butters points out.</p><p>"What you think he reads?" Stan asks.</p><p>"I mean I could read, I just don't. Especially when it comes to pressing buttons." Dovahkiin says continuously pressing the button now that all the prisoners have gotten out.</p><p>"Stop that." I say, smacking him. "Now that Token is done being scolded, let's keep going." I say. Dovahkiin presses the button one more time before I grab his uninjured arm and drag him out the door.</p><p>And of course there's more turrets. "This seems kinda overkill." Token comments.</p><p>"Kinda overkill? One turret in a small town police station is kinda over kill. Four turrets is stupidly overkill." Dov adds on.</p><p>"Yeah, and I don't even see a switch anywhere." I see Dov open his mouth and I quickly add on,"Other than the light switch." He then proceeds to snap his mouth shut and look around.</p><p>"We'll probably need to find a way to cut the power like last time." Chaos points out.</p><p>"Yeah probably." Wolf mumbles as he walks over to a wall. He stares at it for awhile before coming back over to stare at the propane tank that's in the line of fire of th- oh boy.</p><p>"Dovahkiin Kovu Lupo you are not about to try and grab that propane tank." I scold</p><p>"Well not with my hands no." He replies as he looks around a bit before leaving the room with a shout of "Ill be right back!"</p><p>"I-Is he gonna try and b-blow up that wall?" Tweek asks.</p><p>"I believe he is." I nod. Soon enough Dovahkiin comes back with a broom. He then proceeds to use the broom to slowly push the propane tank against the wall and then towards himself before grabbing it and walking over to the other wall that seems to have a few cracks in it.</p><p>"FIRE IN THE HOLE!" He shouts as he throws some snap n' pops at the tank at a definitely not at all safe distance. The tank blows up and creates a hole in the wall, revealing a shit load of pipes.</p><p>"Okay now what?" Butters asks, looking up.</p><p>"Gimme your minion. I'm gonna climb the pipes"</p><p>"There is no way in hell those rusty old things are gonna hold your weight." Token comments. "Not to mention your leg and arm are still pretty fucked up."</p><p>"Here, give me the snap 'n pops and the hamster, Ill do it." I say holding my hand out. "You know as well as I do that I'm equally as good at climbing as you are. Besides, the pipes are more likely to hold my skinny ass than your muscular ass." I add on before he can protest.</p><p>Dovahkiin gives a grumbled response but reluctantly hands over the mini fireworks nonetheless and Butters hands me his hamster, both of which I place in separate pockets before beginning my ascent up the pipes. I'll admit it was a bit more difficult than I though and my foot slipped a couple of times. I blow the panel off the thing and chuck the hamster at it, effectively killing the power.</p><p>"So uh, how are you gonna get down?" Butters asks looking up to me.</p><p>"I guess I'll just have to-"</p><p>"Jump!" Dovahkiin says opening his arms up to me.</p><p>"Oh yeah c-cause that worked out so well for you." Tweet responds.</p><p>"I was jumping onto the stairs, not into someone going to catch me."</p><p>"I'm not jumping."</p><p>"How else will you get down then?" Stan questions.</p><p>"I'll climb back down the pipes."</p><p>"Okay but like if you climb down, you risk falling from that height anyways, but if you fall from the pipes you won't have anyone to catch you." Dova reasons.</p><p>"I hate that you can make sense when you want to." I sigh crossing my arms and glaring at him.</p><p>"Come on Ken, Ill catch you! I promise."</p><p>"Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!" Token and Stan begin chanting.</p><p>"I hate peer pressure." I say jumping down and sure enough Dova fulfilled his promise. Even though it resulted in him nearly falling down the stairs and taking me with him, but luckily Stan, Butters, and Tweek stopped that from happening.</p><p>"You know in hindsight, I probably should've thought more about if my leg could handle that than if my arm could." Dova comments as he limps slightly up the stairs.</p><p>"You're an idiot. A-All four of you are a-actually." Tweek comments.</p><p>"Oi! I haven't done anything." Token claims.</p><p>"You're the one who told Wolf to jump in the first place and also encouraged Mysterion to jump." Butters points out.</p><p>"Oh yeah." We head through the door only to be met with a security guard. "Alright how are we gonna get past this guy?" Tupperware asks.</p><p>"Stan, got that sand blaster thing?"</p><p>"Yeah. Big bad wolf time?"</p><p>"Big bad wolf time." Dova huffs, and puffs, and blows the monitor over the guys head. While he's catching his breath, I take initiative and use some of my left over snap n' pops to break it, causing it to fall on his head, knocking him out.</p><p>"Egh, Do I want to know what he was doing with all that lotion?" Tweek asks sounding disturbed.</p><p>"Ew nope didn't need that imaginary why'd you bring that up?" I cringe, wrinkling my nose in disgust.</p><p>"Hey guys look, I got the door open!" Butters says, slowly climbing down from the bookcase he climbed on to reach the panel.</p><p>"Good job Chaos. But can you gimme a second to catch my breath a bit more first?" Dova requests, laying on the floor and breathing kinda heavily.</p><p>"Oh yeah, sorry. You okay?" Butters asks coming over to look at him from above. D just gives a thumbs up in response.</p><p>"Gah! Alpha Wolf your bleeding even more now! A-are you sure you're fine? Maybe you should sit the next battle out."</p><p>"Hell no. You see that door? That's a door that's meant to keep something in, not just people out. I'm not letting you guys deal with that on your own."</p><p>"Stubborn as ever. Are we sure you're a wolf because you act more like a mule sometimes." Stan jokes nudging him in the side with his foot.</p><p>"Sometimes? Don't you mean most of the time?" I say with a smirk.</p><p>"Shut up." Dov groans making grabby hands for us to help him up again. Stan and I each grab a hand lift him up.</p><p>"Alright let's listen to another one of the Chief's stupid rants of bullshit excuses." Dovahkiin says walking towards the door and opening it.</p>
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<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Eldritch Sandwich</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>Just as I predicted, there's the Police Chief and he's already starting his rant. But I'm not really focusing on that. I'm more focused on the fact that he's got the old $100 cat in some weird ass bondage thing and it does not look happy about it. Then again it didn't looked happy in the missing posters either but still. Wait did he just say cops were slaves?</p><p>"A robot who's told not to think for himself. It's politicians who are the real bigots" okay that last part I can't really argue against because in some cases it's pretty fucking true especially with our President but still what the fuck? "That Mayor has been sitting in her office, TELLING US we have to change our ways." Uh yeah, cause you do. You're racist assholes. "The only way to have her removed was to raise crimes in the streets. And now cops are finally able to do things the old way again! Don't you see this is better for everyone?"</p><p>"It most certainly is not you close minded mother fucker! The old way is horrible and wrong! The old way had innocent people being locked up while the real criminals could get away with their shit. You know, kinda like you're doing?" I shout at him, tired of him trying to make others seem like the bad guy.</p><p>"God dammit why won't you kids just understand!" And he's shoving his face into the cat's ass.</p><p>"Holy shit that's scrambles" Cartman says coming from lord knows where along with the rest of Coon and friends.</p><p>"And Alpha Wolf is bleeding and angry. Why are you always bleeding and angry?" Craig questions me.</p><p>"What?" The Police Chief has gotten high off cat piss. Why do people keep getting high off of cat piss?</p><p>"Wait that's the cat?" Stan questions. "Doesn't look like it's worth $100 to me."</p><p>"Whatever what's important is that we've got the police chief, and we've got him surrounded and completely outnumbered too." Ken says getting us back on track.</p><p>"What can I say you kids have me by the balls. Almost by the balls." He says standing up and walking over towards a metal door.</p><p>"You guys remember what I said about that door back there looking like it was meant to keep someone in?"</p><p>"Yeah why?" Tweek asks.</p><p>"Cause I was wrong. That is a door meant to keep someone in."</p><p>"Right you are Wolf. You know not every prisoner we have here is black. We actually do have one white guy." The police chief says flipping a lever. A buzzing sound is then made followed by the sound of a door closing.</p><p>"Okay so maybe that door was also to keep someone in." I mumble glaring at the now closed door behind us.</p><p>"This is a trap!" Kenny shouts.</p><p>"I'm sorry kids, but you left me no choice." He then pulls the other lever and walks away from the door.</p><p>"Holy shit it's the fucking pedo subway guy." I say, ears falling back against my head. We're gonna get fucking violated, hell to the fucking no.</p><p>"Hey kids you want some candy?"</p><p>"Oh fuck it's Jared." Of course Cartman knows Jared. The others probably do too.</p><p>"You'll excuse me if I don't want to watch this." The Chief says, entering an elevator and taking the cat with him.</p><p>"Come on kids don't you want a bite of my sandwich?" Jared asks.</p><p>"No we don't want your fucking sandwich! We just want to get the stupid cat!" Clyde shouts.</p><p>"Speak for yourself! We want justice!" Kenny says.</p><p>"And I want to keep my virginity, so please go fuck your sandwich elsewhere." I say backing away, and pulling Kenny with me.</p><p>"Aw come on, don't you kids want to see my famous foot long?"</p><p>"WE MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT" We all shout at once. Jesus Christ I'm about to fight a pedophile. Then again I guess I fought two back when those priests tried to do lord knows what to me but still. Just another day in South Park I guess.</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p><strong>$~Stan's POV~$</strong><br/>We finally beat up Jared and luckily we all made it out with our virginity intact. Time to interrogate him I guess.</p><p>"What are the police doing with the people they arrested?" Tupperware questions as we all surround him.</p><p>"H-How should I know? I'm just a sandwich guy!" Jared claims.</p><p>"Alpha Wolf fart in his face." Tupperware orders.</p><p>"No way dude he's probably gonna fucking enjoy it or some shit." A. Wolf grumbles.</p><p>"Just do it dude, your farts are too nasty for even the kinkiest person to enjoy." I say nudging him forward slightly.</p><p>"Fine." He says stepping forward.</p><p>"NO! NO PLEASE, PLEASE, I'M SORRY! I'LL TELL YOU ANYTHING!" Jared begs.</p><p>"What is the Police Chief hiding?" Mysterion interrogates.</p><p>"There's... There's more cells down below! Cops take that elevator! Prisoners go down there, but... they don't come back." He replies.</p><p>"What's the code?" Tupperware asks.</p><p>"Aw, come on how should I know?" Alpha Wolf then takes another step towards him. "AGH AGH! Alright! Yeah, yeah, I seen'em type it in! 1-4-7-7! Please, I'm sorry!"</p><p>"If you knew then why waste our time with lies? And how do we know that's not a lie?" Mosquito asks.</p><p>"It's not a lie I swear! It's just that I like being with children, you know, because I... Because I never had a childhood of my own." Dovahkiin then takes a step back away from him again grumbling something along the lines of how bullshit and nasty Jared is. Jared on the other hand seems to be trying to convince himself more than us now. "Yeah, that's it. I like kids 'cause I never had a childhood."</p><p>"It's your decision Wolf. Part of being a superhero is deciding what to do in moments like these. You either spare him or end him." Mysterion says.</p><p>"Well in that case no way in hell am I farting on this creep." He says wrinkling his nose at him.</p><p>"Oh thank you tha- ACK!" Aaaaand he drop kicked him in the face. And has now kicked him a few times in the stomach as well.</p><p>"Wow, dude, that was hardcore." Cartman comments. "Alright well that was pretty uncomfortable."</p><p>"I know we're brutalist but don't you think that was kinda harsh Alpha Wolf?"  Scott adds.</p><p>"He's a fucking pedophile, if anything he deserves worse." Dova replies coldly</p><p>"Okay so Mr.Wolfy's rage meter is rising. We should probably keep an eye on him." I mumble towards Craig.</p><p>"Yeah probably should." He mumbles back. We both nod at each other as we watch Dovahkiin give one last glare to the unconscious body before walking away from it and towards the Chief's desk.</p><p>"So uh... Should we do anything with the body?" Kyle asks kicking Jared's foot. Majority of us respond with noises of disgust and unwillingness.</p><p>Dova responds with "Oh come on I didn't kick him that hard, he's still alive. But yeah no leave the fucker here. Let's get a move on."  He then proceeds to walk over towards the elevator and punch in the code to open it. Once the doors open we all cram into it and begin our descent to who knows where.</p><p>After a minute of moving down wards, Kenny claims "This is a one-time shot, Coon. After tonight, we are enemies again."</p><p>"Our petty little differences aren't what matters right now, Mysterion. Black lives matter." Cartman responds.</p><p>"Jesus fucking-" Dovahkiin face palms at Cartman's- actually I think he's just face palming at Cartman as a whole. He then begins grumbling about how using BLM in this context is kinda fucked up but then begins mumbling to himself about whether it actually is or not. I mean we are trying to save a bunch of black people from being wrongfully imprisoned and possibly killed. That goes along with that right? But also its Cartman so maybe not? Dang it Dova now you've got me thinking about it!</p><p>"Yeah, dick." Clyde agrees with Coon.</p><p>"You're a fucking dick, Mosquito!" Token responds. Luckily the elevator stops before a giant argument can break out. The doors open up to a creepy ass dungeon? Why is this below a police station?</p><p>"What in the actual fuck is this?"  Dova asks as we file out.</p><p>"I don't know but things just got real spooky. And there's no way to go but down." Token replies.</p><p>Dovahkiin then proceeds to pick up a book a skim through it. "You know I'm starting to think that this is beyond over our heads. I mean we were before too but uh this is really, this is just insane at this point." Dova says sounding kinda panicked.</p><p>"What do you mean?" Craig asks approaching him and reading over his shoulder. "Dude what in the actual fuck? There's no way that's for real right?"</p><p>"What? What is it?" I ask.</p><p>"It's a page on how to care for your Elder god." Craig responds. "Come on Dovahkiin I'm sure this is just a bunch of bullshit. It's not like there's an actual monster or anything."</p><p>"I don't know dude do you remember last time we played superheroes? Fucking Cartman summoned Cthulhu." I remind him.</p><p>"Wait wh- you know what? Never mind I don't want to know. But uh yeah ordinarily I'd think the same as you Craig but um on the entire ride down I've kinda been hearing a weird growling noise-" "Dovy." Kenny tries to get his attention."-and now that we're down here it's only louder and also I smell a lot of fucking blood and death and corpses and shit and I feel like that's what elder whatever's would probably eat because you know they're giant evil monster things-" "Dova" Craig, Kenny And I try together. He's kinda low key hyperventilating at this point. "-and like this talks about people falling into some kinda blood pool or something and mentions blood like a lot and they sure as hell mention meat a lot and-"</p><p>"DOVAHKIIN!" The three of us yell at him, finally ceasing his panicked ranting.</p><p>Kenny sighs and takes the book away from him. "Dovahkiin I think you should probably take a break. Maybe head bac-"</p><p>"No."</p><p>"Dova, Kenny has a-" I try to explain.</p><p>"No."</p><p>"Dude can you stop being stubborn for a second and just-" Craig tries as well.</p><p>"There is no way in hell I'm going to go back up there and leave you guys down here with... well with whatever the fuck they have down here. I'll take a bit of a breather but I'm not just abandoning all of you just cause I'm feeling a bit jittery."</p><p>"Dovahkiin I'm pretty sure you were bordering on having a full blown panic attack if not already having one. That's more than a bit jittery dude." Kyle interjects.</p><p>"What and you think I'll feel any better up there knowing that all of my friends are down here risking their lives for... for... hell I don't even know what for anymore because all of this is definitely not worth it for a stupid $100 cat! Hell I'm not even sure this town is worth saving anymore or if it's even possible!" Dovahkiin shouts out, letting off growls here and there and I'm pretty sure I see a hint of red in his eyes. That's definitely not good.</p><p>"Alright that's enough! Go sit the fuck down in the corner and take a fucking breather. You are literally losing it right now and you need to just chill the fuck out. You've been a shit load of help through out this entire thing but right now all you're doing is causing all the rest of us to stress out!" Kenny yells right back at him. Dovahkiin seems to flinch and deflated with every harsh word, ears flattening against his head. At least the red in his eyes are gone but now it's been replaced with hurt.</p><p>"I'm sorry Dovy, I know you can't really control it nor is it really your fault but Jesus this is our homes we are talking about! Our families! Don't you want to save everyone?" Kenny apologizes.</p><p>Dova just gives a shrug and quietly responds with "I'm honestly not sure that they can be saved. Not all of them and definitely not my parents." He then proceeds to quietly shuffle off to the corner. Butters seems to be trying to decide whether or not to follow him to the corner.</p><p>"Dammit" Kenny curses at himself before sighing and stepping towards him a bit. "Dova come on-"</p><p>"Just leave it Ken. Go try and figure out how to get through the gate or something. Me and Craig will keep an eye on Dova." I say.</p><p>"But-"</p><p>"Just go Kenny. We've got him." Craig says shooing him off. </p><p>"Mmh"</p><p>"Kenneth." Butters pipes from his spot next to the curled up form of Dovahkiin. He simply aggressively points away with an unhappy but kinda determined look on his face.</p><p>"Fine I guess. Kyle, Tweek come with me yeah?" Kenny requests. The two nod in agreement, tagging along with him to the next room. Alright time to simultaneously cheer up and calm down a wolf boy. What could go wrong right?</p>
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<a name="section0027"><h2>27. The Fantastic Forensics Story</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Wanna know how long ago this was originally written? When people were talking about raiding Area 51. Anyways, carry on.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>|•|Kenny's POV|•|</strong>
</p><p>"Well here's all the bodies that Dova was smelling" I comment as I look around at all the corpses, all of which are wrapped in cult robes and bandages.</p><p>"Gah. Y-You guys d-d-DONT actually th-think there's a m-m-monster down here do you?" Tweek asks as we look around the room for anything to help us open the gate.</p><p>"Of course there's not Tweek don't be ridiculous. I'm sure it's probably just a bunch of guys dressed up or something like that. You know, all Scooby-Doo style and shit?" I respond.</p><p>"I'm not so sure about that Kenny. You know Dova, he's usually the first to call out that kind of bullshit."</p><p>"Th-that's what I'm afraid of! Gah! If Dovahkiin is freaked out then s-surely I-it's gotta b-b-be the real deal. GAAAH WHY ARE WE DOING THIS? WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE DOWN HERE!"</p><p>"Tweek chill out we aren't gonna die. Dov is under a lot of stress right now and is still pretty fucking sleep deprived. A few hours of sleep can't really completely fix what was basically days without. I'm sure he's probably just overthinking things and is a bit paranoid because of all the shit we've been through in the past." I reason.</p><p>"Yeah but-" Kyle starts but I cut him off with a glare. "Right whatever. Have you guys found anything, because I sure as hell haven't?"</p><p>I notice something hanging off of one of the robes that's draped on a body and pluck it out. "As a matter of fact yes. For-For-en-sics. What the hell is that?"</p><p>"I-I think it's like h-how they f-figure o-out who d-did the c-crime and h-how." Tweek responds. Me and Kyle just stare at him in surprise and confusion. "M-Me and Craig have s-stared watching a l-lot of the Flash okay? Th-that's what B-Barry Allen d-does."</p><p>"Oookaaayyy... well whatever let's head over there and see what we can find. Hopefully something that can actually open the gate we need opened." Kyle says leading the way out of the room.</p><p>"Find anything?" Token asks as we leave.</p><p>"Yeah. A key to the Forensics room." I say pointing at it. I turn over to look at Dovahkiin in the corner but he's not there. "Where did-" and there are arms wrapped around my waist now.</p><p>" 'm sorry for being an ass." Dova mumbles into my shoulder. He is very tense and is holding me very tightly. Jesus he's really fucking spooked. Maybe he's not just paranoid after all?</p><p>"I'm sorry for being a bitch" I reply softly, leaning back in his embrace and ruffling his hair a little.</p><p>"You guys are sickeningly cute and all but can we get a move on? The sooner we deal with all this the faster you two can go home and fuck or cuddle or both. Whatever you feel like doing just don't do it here." Craig comments from behind us.</p><p>"Fuck you too boo." Is Dovy's simple response as he turns around to face Craig, blowing him a kiss with his middle finger.</p><p>"No Craig's got a point. Even if he was unnecessarily salty about it and probably just listed the activities he wishes to do with Tweek...." I say taking the key out of my pocket and unlocking the door.</p><p>"E-Eh?" Evidently I broke Tweek. An unfortunate casualty, but an expected one.</p><p>"S-STOP PUTTING WORDS IN MY MOUTH MCCORMICK!"</p><p>"Words aren't the only thing that's getting put in your mouth tonight." Dovahkiin responds slyly.</p><p>"Okay that makes it sound like Craig is gonna give you a blow job. Or rather you're gonna force Craig to give you a blow job." Cartman points out.</p><p>"Yeah I didn't really think that one through." Dovahkiin admits. "Anyways what's this room? Foreskin sex?"</p><p>"Oh my- Forensics Dovahkiin FOR-EN- SICS" Craig corrects him, pronouncing each syllable slowly.</p><p>"Ah yes foreign sex."</p><p>"Why are you one of my best friends? Hell why are we friends in general?"</p><p>"Because you love me and I love you."</p><p>"You know sometimes I forget which of us is dating who." I comment as I open the door and Creek, Kyle, Dova, and I enter the room. We are met with a shit load of darkness and apparently a guy who heard us enter but dismissed it immediately because we "would've responded if we were here."</p><p>"It's just me and you kitty." I already don't like where this is going. "No one's gonna find us here. Come on, give me that good stuff." Yup I definitely don't like this, and judging by the faces of the others they don't either. "Hey stop it! Hold still!"</p><p>"That is not a happy cat." Dova whispers.</p><p>"W-What do you th-think he's doing to it?" Tweek whispers back.</p><p>"I don't really want to think about that." Kyle responds quietly.</p><p>There's a crash followed by the guy complaining that the cat got away. "I can't see a thing in here." There's then a lot more crashing and a lot of unhappy cat noises. <br/>"Sounds like the cat's getting into the toxic chemicals. Darnit that's not good at all."</p><p>"Why is he narrating everything that's happening, to himself?" Dovahkiin questions. I simply shrug in response.</p><p>There's another crash followed by the sound of liquid spilling onto the floor. "I hope those weren't the toxic chemicals I was just talking about that broke on the floor just now"</p><p>"Why do I get the feeling that those were the chemicals?" Craig asks quietly.</p><p>"Cause they probably were." I respond just as quietly.</p><p>"Well sniffing the air to check definitely isn't following lab safety rules." Dovy comments.</p><p>"I-is that what he's doing?" Tweek questions.</p><p>"Oh no, I think they were! Drat! If those chemicals mix together on the floor they'll turn into a gas that'll kill me in seconds."</p><p>"Why doesn't this guy just leave the room and why the hell isn't he cussing? Bananas, Darnit, and Drat. What's next? Fiddlesticks?" Dova questions.</p><p>"He'll fuck a cat but he'd rather be caught dead than curse." Craig adds.</p><p>"Blast it There's the gas!"</p><p>"'Blast it'" Dova and Craig say at the same time.</p><p>"Uh g-guys shouldn't we h-help him?"</p><p>"I'm not sure we can Tweek. We can't see shit and have no idea where he even is." Kyle responds.</p><p>"Even if we could see I'm not sure we'd be able to without dying ourselves." I add.</p><p>"Yes... it's definitely killing me now." He says coughing. A robotic voice then announces a fire hazard and something starts beeping. "Oh thank god! The exhaust fan is sucking out the toxic gas. I'm not gonna die! Now where's that blasted cat?"</p><p>"Well he seems perfectly fine. See Tweek nothing to-" Aggressive meowing followed by a crash cuts Dova off.</p><p>"Oh no, I think the cat just jumped into the exhaust fan and jammed it. The gas is filling up the room and it's killing me again. I'm dying again!"</p><p>"Was he seriously looking to do whatever it is he wanted to do with the cat before  the toxic gas was all gone? What an idiot." Kyle comments.</p><p>"Y-Yeah nevermind. A-at this point this is just natural selection at w-work." Tweek says.</p><p>"Cleaning up the gene pool." Dovahkiin quips.</p><p>"Sounds like the emergency door closed. Yup the emergency door closed. I'm trapped in here."</p><p>"You know for someone who's seconds away from death he sure is talkative." I comment.</p><p>"Does trash talking a dying idiot make us assholes?" Kyle asks.</p><p>"Yeah but what else is new? Besides he's dying of his own idiocy." Craig says with a shrug.</p><p>"I need to get out of here. I just need to feel around for the door knob. Here! Here it is! Yes! I'm saved! Oh Blast it! The doors locked. I'm stuck in here!"</p><p>"'Blast it'"</p><p>"Would you two shut up?" Kyle says glaring at the two dorky idiots.</p><p>"Somebody help me! The gas is killing me! I'm really dying this time!"</p><p>"This is a long couple of seconds." Dova comments. I reply by elbowing him in the side.</p><p>"Seriously I can feel myself dying! It's so painful! Help! For the love of everything if you're there and you can hear me right now help! It's killing me! It's killing me! It's.. Wait!"</p><p>"Oh for fucks sake." I groan.</p><p>"How the hell has this guy not died yet? Also how hasn't he heard us?" Kyle points out.</p><p>"Y-Yeah we kinda stopped whispering a while a-ago." Tweek agrees.</p><p>"Hang on I think I found the light switch! With my last breath, I'll. Just. Turn it. On..."</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>0•0Cartman's POV0•0</strong>
</p><p>"They sure as hell are taking they're sweet ass time in there. Don't they know we are in a hurry to save the city?" I complain after nearly 5 minutes of us sitting and waiting for the 5 in the for-foren- the whatever the fuck it is room.</p><p>"For once I actually agree with you. They are taking a long time." Tupperware replies.</p><p>"You think that they're all right?" Professor Chaos asks.</p><p>"I'm sure they're fine." Mosquito says with a wave of his hand. "I mean they do have Alpha Wolf with them.</p><p>"Yeah I guess your right. But hasn't Dova-" Butters is cut of by five screams coming from the fucking fuckery fuck room. We all leap into action and rush into the room to see a cultist all fucked up and dead against the glass door. The room he's in is also a disaster and seems to be filled with some sort of gas.</p><p>"Jesus Christ what did you guys do?" Tool Shed questions.</p><p>"Sat here in the dark and listened to an idiot narrate himself slowly dying to his own idiotic actions." Super Craig responds, seeming to be the first to recover from the shock.</p><p>"Do I need to-"</p><p>"DONT YOU FUCKING EVEN THINK OF STABBING ANY OF US WITH THE WEIRD SHIT YOU GOT ON THE INTERNET!" Alpha Wolf yells at me, seeming to jerk back to life.</p><p>"Sheesh sorry for trying to offer help and make sure you're all stable."</p><p>"Cartman you can't just fucking- ugh never mind. I think I see the key that we need in there." Human kite points out.</p><p>"G-great! H-how the hell are we supposed to get th-that? I-If we go i-in there we'll be k-killed by the gas l-like that moron!" Wonder Tweek points out.</p><p>"Maybe we can- is that a cat in the exhaust fan?" Tool Shed points out.</p><p>"Yeah we aren't completely sure what he wanted to do with it cause I mean everyone else just has them piss in their face but he sounded like he wanted to fuck it." Craig replies.</p><p>"Eww." All of us who weren't in the room cringe.</p><p>"Yup. Oi Butters gimme your hamster again. Nobody make another fucking hamster touching comment you nasty freaks." Chaos hands Wolf one of his minions and Alpha W Just chucks his shoe at an electric box before tossing the minion into it.</p><p>"When did you even t-t-ta-t-take your shoe off?" Fast Past asks.</p><p>"Yes."</p><p>"Uh huh riiight. Did that even do anything?" Tool Shed asks.</p><p>"Well I assume it unlocked the door, which means- that I could get the key." Alpha Wolf says holding up the key, and walking over to the locked thing with a pipe inside.</p><p>"Does anyone else find it really fucking weird that he can just do that so casually?" I ask.</p><p>"Well yeah kinda but then also it's Dovahkiin sooo..." Clyde says with a shrug.</p><p>"Stan come help me kill my lungs so we can go in there without killing our lungs and then ourselves so that we can actually find the shit we need." Alpha Wolf beckons Tool Shed over. They do the whole Huff and Puff thing and it shoots the cat out of the fan. The fan then begins to suck up all of the poisonous gas from the room. A robotic voice then announces that the threats have been neutralized and that it's safe to enter the room.</p><p>"Alright now what exactly are we meant to be looking for in here?" Mosquito asks as we all pile into the room.</p><p>"Look around for any sign of a key that looks like it could open the gate out there." Mysterion.</p><p>"Well it looks like there might be stuff under this thing. Looks kinda like a mixture between a trap door and a safe." I point towards the metal door with a skull on it. "Captain Diabetes break this open."</p><p>"Well I'm not sure I'll be able to open it on my own and I don't really wanna have to use my diabetes unless I absolutely have to. We'll have to wait for Alpha Wolf to catch his breath."</p><p>"Pussy."</p><p>"Friendly reminder that Scott literally died a few days ago because he ran out of insulin and the only reason he's alive is because Dova turned back time." Kahl says glaring at me.</p><p>"Shut up you Fucking Jew! We're already low on time because you fuckers decided to just hide in the dark and let this man die."</p><p>"Can we not do this? If you want to save time then just shut the fuck up and bicker like the bitches you are later." Alpha Wolf growls out returning to the room.</p><p>"You still sound like shit." I comment.</p><p>"Yeah well I've had to do that twice today so. Also really appreciate your concern Cartman." He snarkily responds with an eye roll to boot. Him and Captain D. then break open the floor safe, revealing a bunch of money.</p><p>"Aren't the cops supposed to give the money back to the bank after a bank robbery?" Chaos asks.</p><p>"Of all the corrupt shit we've seen the cops do and all the shit that's down here, that is what you're questioning Butters?" Tupperware raises a brow at him.</p><p>"Well I mean-"</p><p>"Don't worry about it Butters. We've got the key now let's get out of here before I stop being indifferent to the body and have a panic attack." Dovahkiin says holding up a key with a skull on it and speed walking out the door.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0028"><h2>28. Tentacles+The Movie Teeth=This Fresh Hell</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Fun Fact: I learned about the movie Teeth and watched the trailer for it with my then best friend in like 4th grade. Possibly 3rd. It along with the first few minutes of "Granny Bacon's Funeral" (Shadow of Israphel was a glorious series and I miss it) became a weird inside joke for us. Well until she moved in 7th grade and then basically stopped talking to me completely. Definitely not low key salty about that still as an Sophomore in College.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>"Alright, is everyone prepared to finally end this? Because this is definitely the big final boss level." Cartman says as we all gather in front of the big skull gate.</p><p>"I don't know. The police chief made it sound like they were being lead by some one higher up. This might only be the beginning of all of this."</p><p>"Kenny, honey, sweetheart, my love, my entire world, why the fuck did you have to say that?" I ask with a glare. "Now this for sure isn't gonna be the end of this bullshit."</p><p>"Sorry but I mean-"</p><p>I cut him off with a groan before turning to face the gate once more. "No no damage has been done. It's whatever. Let's just get this shit over with." I then proceed to unlock and open the gate. Damn that shits creepy. And creaky.</p><p>Please don't let there be an Eldritch god over here. Please don't let there be an Eldritch god over here. Please don't let there be an Eldritch god over here. Please don't let there be an Eldritch god over here.</p><p>God dammit there's definitely an Eldritch god over here isn't there. I mean there's a bunch of Police officers in cultist robes, a giant blood filled hole that's releasing a smell that makes me want to vomit, they've got a shit load of black people that they seem to plan to sacrifice, and the police chief is chanting random gibberish.</p><p>"Destroyers of the light?" Kenny whispers next to me, clearly confused by the nonsense being chanted.</p><p>"Extinguish the sun?" Kyle repeats more of the nonsense.</p><p>"Alright let him go." The Police Chief says. They then push in the guy at the top and- Alright What the fuck is that thing?</p><p>"Uh sir?" One of the cultist cops gestures to us.</p><p>"Oh, I see. I guess because cops feed African Americans to an Elder God they're... racist."</p><p>"YOU'RE A LOT MORE THAN FUCKING RACIST AT THIS POINT! YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING INSANE!" I shout at him. I may or may not be totally terrified. I can deal with or at least somewhat tolerate a lot of crazy shit after living in South Park for over 3 years. But this? This is where I draw the god damn line! Hell this is fucking 20 miles past the line!</p><p>"Shub-Niggurath is an Outer God, kids, who must be appeased and whose coming was foretold by the great H.P. Lovecraft. But I suppose H.P Lovecraft was a racist too!" I'm pretty sure H.P. Lovecraft was a giant racist. Especially if he came up with this beast. Another cultist cop comes up to the chief and begins whispering in his ear about how Lovecraft was indeed very racist. "Oh, fuck was he really? Like- Like how racist? Really, really?"</p><p>"Yo! It's my Homeboys! Get me the fuck up out of here, these assholes be completely cray!" Holy shit why is Classi here?</p><p>"I leave and you guys immediately lost the one person you promised to protect?" I question, sending a combination of a quirked eyebrow and a glare towards Coon and friends.</p><p>"Uh woops?" Is Clyde's shrugged response.</p><p>"Why'd you want them protecting a stripper?" Kenny questions, giving me a stern look. Seriously? He knows how gay I am. Not to mention I'm pretty sure Classi is at the absolute least, ten years older than us. She's certainly no 7th grader.</p><p>"Oh no it's not like that Mysterion. We all promised to protect her in exchange for information." Scott explains.</p><p>"Oh well okay then. Fine job you did there. Whatever. Let's end this here and get these people back to safety!"</p><p>"Alright, you kids want to battle? Let's do this." Cultist Chief says shoving his face in Scrambles' ass. "Alright chuck another one in."</p><p>And of course Classi would be next. Then again she did kinda shove her way to the front to see us. "Awww, fuckin' hell no!" Classi then shoulders one of the Cultist cops into the hole instead, and falls off to the side.</p><p>"Ow! Shit!" She then runs away from the gross tentacle hole. Like seriously that shits skipped right over hentai and gone straight for the horror factor. Though considering it's an Elder god that makes sense.</p><p>"No! The All- Mother can't stand white meat!"</p><p>"First off, what the hell man you've gotta be joking. Second off you've called that thing like 5 different names in the past- AAAAHHHH WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING!?!?" WHAT THE HELL IS THAT WHAT THE SHIT WHAT THE SHIT!?!? CAN I JUST GO BACK TO THE MOOING ALIENS AND FUCKING GNOMES PLEASE CAUSE I'D RATHER RELIVE THAT SHIT THAN DEAL WITH THIS!</p><p>"GAAAH WE'VE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!" Tweek shouts backing up.</p><p>"We can't just leave this thing down here and let it keep killing people!" Kenny points out.</p><p>"Kenny, babe, that is a mother fucking Elder God. I realize you can't technically die but I bet you dying to that thing would be painful. Oh yeah AND THE REST OF US WOULDN'T COME BACK!" I'm not hysterical you're hysterical.</p><p>"So? I'm not afraid." You know I would've thought that right next to Tweek, Token would be the most freaked out. You know cause it's kinda his people being fed to this thing.</p><p>"Good. We'll let you go first." Cartman says.</p><p>"Yeah I'm pretty sure the white meat thing he was talking about was for real now so I'm not sure that's a good idea." I respond. How the flying Fuck are we supposed to defeat this thing? It's an Elder God! Like I don't know if it's full on Cthulhu level but it's still pretty damn tough!</p><p>"Hey wait a min-"</p><p>Jesus we are so fucked. We really are all gonna die. I'd like to say at least it's been good but it's been pretty fucking shitty.</p><p>"Maybe if we can shove the-"</p><p>Why are they even trying to discuss anything. We should all either be saying our goodbyes or trying to figure out how the fuck to get past the Cultists in front of us.</p><p>"Dova you need to-"</p><p>God there's so much I haven't gotten to do. Hell I haven't even gotten a proper nights rest in days. I'm not gonna be able to go to college. Hell I didn't even make it to High school. I'm gonna die a virgin.</p><p>"Dovahkiin, seriously you need to move or-"</p><p>Holy crap the last thing I said to my mom was that I loved her but not how she is now. I'm a horrible son. I mean they're kinda terrible parents but still. I'm never gonna see them again. I'm never gonna see anyone again. I won't see Craig, Butters, Stan, Okay well I might see them if Heaven and Hell are real but still. I won't ever see my parents, Annie, Wendy, Henrietta, Michael, or Pete. I'm never going to see Kenny again. Wait shit we can't all die here! We'd be leaving Kenny Alone! We have to find some way through this. I don't want to just abandon my boyfriend and leave him with the memory of all his closest friends and his boyfriend dying in front of him!</p><p>"DOVAHKIIN FUCKING MOVE!"</p><p>"Huh?" Why's everyone so persistent on getting me to- "OH FUCK!" AND I JUST NEARLY GOT SMACKED BY A TENTACLE! "NOPE NOPETY NOPE OKAY MOVING NOW! ADADOTTOTTO I THINK THE FUCK NOT YOU SLIMY FUCK! GO FUCK SOMEONE ELSE WITH YOUR NASTY ASS RACIST TENTACLES AND FIFTY PAPER SHREDDER TEETH ™ STYLE VAGINA MOUTHS!" Once I'm away from the reach of the nasty and terrifying creature I turn to see everyone with mixed facial expressions. I also see Craig holding back Kenny. Good Cause I'd rather not allow my boyfriend to die a painful death for me even if he would end up coming back.</p><p>"Did.... Did you just say Teeth style vagina mouth?" The Police Chief is the first to recover from the shock of that situation.</p><p>"I'm just trying to figure out how he said the trade mark symbol without actually saying trade mark or tm." Another cultist cop replies.</p><p>"And I'm wondering why a gay boy whose only in 7th grade knows what the movie Teeth is about." Classi adds.</p><p>"I'm surprised I actually said all of that out loud. I'm also surprised that I'm still alive despite the fact that it feels like I've simultaneously had a stroke and a heart attack all while also pissing and shitting myself.... though I think I actually did piss myself..."</p><p>"You didn't mean to say that last part out loud did you?" Craig asks.</p><p>"I didn't mean to say any of that out loud."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0029"><h2>29. And There He Goes Again</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>So we just let an Elder god eat a bunch of cultist cops until it exploded into a geyser of blood, guts, and bones. Also the Police Chief is stupidly high off of cat pee cause that's a thing for some reason. Oh yeah and all the Coon friends just went and grabbed Scrambles and are celebrating that because that's the important thing to be celebrating right now. You know not how we got out with our lives or anything.</p><p>"I can't believe you little fuckers did it. Thank y'all!" Classi says, walking up to us. "I feel like I'm finally safe in this shithole town."</p><p>"Glad you feel safe Classi cause I feel absolutely fucking terrified." I reply. Since when have I been sitting?</p><p>"Well after that shit I don't blame ya. I'm gonna dip now but y'all take care of yourselves and thank you again."</p><p>"You're welcome? Who are you?" Stan replies as Classi walks away.</p><p>"Oh my god guys! We've got a hundred bucks to get our franchise off the ground! Fuckin' COON AND FRIENDS! FUCK YEAH GUYS!" Cartman says as him and the rest of Coon and friends begin following Classi up the stairs.</p><p>"They are aware that $100 isn't gonna do shit for them right?" I ask as I just kinda tiredly glare at their backs.</p><p>"Yeah I was kinda pissed about that whole thing at first but I could get that just from doing extra chores for a few weeks." Token admits.</p><p>"We're still gonna go beat them up for being bastards though right?" Kenny asks.</p><p>"Oh definitely." I nod as I get up. We all follow them outside to find they've been stopped by Timmy. "You manipulated Butters and then followed our lead to the police Station." Okay this is just gonna be shit that we all already know isn't it? Or at least shit that I already know. Oh surprise surprise everyone is yelling and arguing again. Or I think they are? It looks like they are but they're kinda quiet. It's probably just that ringing drowning them out. Wait, what is that ringing? Where's it coming from? And since when am I able to see the earth spinning? Isn't that shit supposed to be slow?</p><p>Oh hey look there's the sky.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>_|_Craig's POV_|_</strong>
</p><p>"Oh fuck not again." I say as I notice Dovahkiin falling backwards. Luckily Stan and Kenny are able to catch him before his head hits the ground.</p><p>"Again?" Token questions. "What do you mean again?"</p><p>"He passed out after he rewound time for the first time and brought Scott back to life." Cartman says nonchalantly. Really? Can he at least act like he's a bit concerned?</p><p>"Eric if you're gonna act like that then can you just leave." Butters says glaring at him.</p><p>"Shut u-"</p><p>"How about you shut up!" Butters yells at him suddenly, cutting him off. We all stare at him wide eyed. "One of my best fucking friends just passed out and you're being an even bigger asshole than usual so just fuck off." He then returns to his place, kneeling down by Dova's head.</p><p>"Why don't we all head back to the Freedom Pals' base. We can help Dovahkiin there or at least have him rest in a place other than the street." Timmy suggests, rolling in the direction of Token's house.</p><p>"Can you help me pick him up Craig?" Stan asks. I nod and grab hold of his legs as Stan wraps one of Dova's arms around his shoulder and wraps his arms under Dova's torso.</p><p>"I don't think that's how bridal style works." Kyle jokes. We all give a chuckle at that. Well all except for Kenny who just gives a half hearted shrug and for Cartman who is just gloomily following behind us at a distance. Guess he didn't expect for Butters to snap back at him like that. I don't blame him, I've only seen Butters get like that a couple of times before and it was never at Cartman.</p><p>"Since we are all here I think it's about time that I reveal what I've been working on." Timmy says as we reach Token's house.</p><p>"Are you sure about that Doctor? Do you really think it's wise to show them?" Token says gesturing to us Coon Friends.</p><p>"Indeed. Ordinarily I'd wait till Dovahkiin was awake but I doubt he'd pay much attention anyways." We go down to their base and holy shit is it cool. Maybe I should've joined Freedom pals. I mean I knew Token was a member and that the base was at his house but I didn't think he'd put this much effort into it. Heck I didn't think his parents would allow this much effort to be put into it with how often we change what we are playing. Oh well. Everyone else from Coon and Friends are also looking around in amazement at the Freedom pals' base. Well except Cartman whose just claiming there's cool stuff in the Coon lair too.</p><p>Anyways back to my heavy ass unconscious friend. Me and Stan set Dova in a few chairs that Kenny pushed together to face each other.</p><p>"So why exactly are we all here? Other than helping Dovahkiin that is." Clyde asks.</p><p>"I've been working on a project that would help all of us. Both the Freedom pals and Coon and friends." Timmy responds, gesturing over to the space themed curtain.</p><p>"Wait really? How?" Stan asks.</p><p>"With this." Token says, pressing a button and revealing a board that has multiple labels, lights, colors, and shapes all showing a plan for when we'd launch what movies and shows. Phases 1, 2, and 3, being the largest labels at the top.</p><p>"Oh my god." Kyle says staring at it.</p><p>"He's figures it out"  I add on. Can't help but feel like this was kinda a waste of time since none of us are ever actually gonna get any movies or anything. Wait.... Why the fuck did me and Tweek break up over <em>that</em>? God we really were stupid. But hey at least we're all good now.</p><p>"It was Dr Timothy's passion. He worked tirelessly on it." Kenny says finally speaking up. He's currently sitting on the ground next to Dova, one arm wrapped around his own legs while he uses the other to rake his fingers through his boyfriend's hair. I haven't really noticed because I've been so focused on Tweek, Dova and everything else going on but Kenny looks tired. Not as tired as D but still. Judging by the concerned look he's giving Kenny, Kyle has noticed. Or at least he's noticed now too.</p><p>Timmy clears his throat before continuing, "This is a franchise plan that involves everyone. Each hero gets their own movie and Tv series. Each hero mathematically equal to the other." Everyone draws their attention back to the board.</p><p>"Jesus." Stan says simply.</p><p>"This is... Well, this is incredible!"  Butters adds.</p><p>"Timothy almost worked himself half to death trying to come up with this." Tweek explains.</p><p>"So while we were out trying to stick it to you guys... Timmy was actually trying to include us." Kyle realizes.</p><p>"Well now I just feel like a d-d-dick." Jimmy says.</p><p>"There is a hundred dollar reward for this cat." Kyle says pulling it out of god knows where.</p><p>"And you wanted it all for yourselves." Token comments.</p><p>"Yeah but we sure as hell don't anymore" I respond as Kyle sets the cat down again.</p><p>"I think to-</p><p>"NOT TODAY CTHULHU'S LITTLE BITCH!" Dovahkiin shouts, bolting up right suddenly and falling between the chairs. "Ow." We all just stare at him for a little while before Kenny bursts out laughing, the rest of us soon following.</p><p>"Glad to see you're doing fine too asshole!" I say between laughs, walking over to help the dumbass stand.</p><p>"Did I pass the fuck out again?"</p><p>"Yup" Stan says.</p><p>"Did we actually-"</p><p>"Fight Cthulhu's little bitch? Yes." I answer.</p><p>"Ah."</p><p>"Any thing else that's a bit unclear or foggy?" Kenny asks.</p><p>"Yes actually." He says.</p><p>"And what would that be?" Timmy asks.</p><p>"Well first off how the fuck are we alive? And second off how the fuck and why the fuck are we at the base? With everyone? Did you guys  all have a make up fuck while I was out?"</p><p>"No idea, Stan and Craig carried your ass, Timmy wanted to show us his franchise plan, and no none of us fucked. Though I was about to say how I think we should all just become one big team after everything that's happened tonight before you shouted one of your more memorable random quotes." Kyle responds.</p><p>"I mean we all did start as one to begin with. All with the same goal, so why not reunite." Stan agrees.</p><p>"While I'm pretty sure Stan just wants to get back in Kyle's pants I have to agree." I add. It earns me a glare from Kyle, a middle finger from Stan, and a quite laugh from Dova.</p><p>"Alright then! Let's all reunite to be under one franchise!" Tweek says happily.</p><p>"But we're calling it... Freedom pals?" Cartman asks to which we all turn to look at him.</p><p>"No Cartman we are calling it Fuck buddies United." Dova says with an eye roll.</p><p>"That sounds like a gay porno. But like an entire series."  Kenny points out.</p><p>"That is not the franchise I signed up for." Token responds.</p><p>"Okay but like. Timothy is like the leader of Freedom Pals? He's like- he's like the one in charge?" Cartman asks again.</p><p>"Technically yes although Dovahkiin tends to do the majority of the work wherever he is." Timothy replies.</p><p>"That's an understatement." Dov mumbles.</p><p>"Well, I think it's awesome." Cartman then goes on to spout some complete bullshit lies. He's claiming that he thinks this is awesome and everything even though I'm sure he's just really really salty about it all.</p><p>"Rigggght sure so now that we are all buddy buddy again. Can we just go? Cause even though I passed the hell out I'm still tired as fuck." Dova requests, yawning in the middle of his complaint.</p><p>"Right. Tomorrow we go get the reward for Scrambles, and then use it to kick start Timmy's franchise plan. Freedom Pals: Retribution," Stan starts.</p><p>"But with inclusion!" We all finish, putting our hands together.</p><p>"Fuck yeah you guys let's do this." Cartman is gonna Fuck this up for all of us isn't he?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0030"><h2>30. Parentnapped</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>So Cartman fucked things up. Big surprise there right? Yeah so apparently Timmy has like created this big extravagant plan to make sure everyone in "the franchise" was equal or something. Yeah so big waste of time because we are a bunch of 7th graders and Disney rules all. But anyways someone suspiciously tore up all the plans via claws and obviously I was beyond passed out with a Kenny clinging to me all night so it wasn't me, despite the fact that Cartman is trying to say it was me.</p><p>"Okay okay maybe you didn't do it intentionally but maybe you lost cont-"</p><p>"Cartman I swear to God, if you try to blame this shit on my boyfriend when it was clearly you one more Fucking time-"</p><p>"Hey! I'm just saying the moon was pretty full last night and-"</p><p>"There was no moon last night! It was a new moon!" Kyle yells at him.</p><p>"Well maybe-"</p><p>"Cartman for fucks sake I was with Kenny all of last night, he would've fucking noticed if turned I Wolf and went crazy! And besides if I'd of lost control why would I have gone all the way across town just to tear up the stupid board and nothing else?" I bark at him.</p><p>"Well who was it then if it wasn't you?"</p><p>"IT WAS FUCKING YOU!" We all yell at him.</p><p>"Cartman we all saw the news and your stupid handpuppet talking bullshit!" Kyle yells at him.</p><p>"I have nothing to do with that fiend! I was just as surprised as all of you wer-" Cartman's pointless plea gets cut off by a message notification.</p><p>"Siri play the video." Kenny says as we all turn to the screen. And it's my parents tied up in a warehouse.</p><p>"What in the actual Fuck." And then the hand. Cartman's stupid fat pudgy hand.</p><p>"Oh god dammit." Kyle curses. I imagine he's glaring at Cartman but I'm too focused on the screen to care.</p><p>Now, are my parents pretty shitty at parenting? Oh definitely. Are they pretty shitty people in general? Yes. Do I think they should've never had me with how shitty of an on off relationship they have and just how incompetent they are in general? Probably not. Do I love and care about them anyways? Of fucking course they're still my parents. Am I gonna kick Cartman's ass the second this stupid ransom video ends? Hell fucking yeah I am.</p><p>
  <strong>&lt;-&lt;- Kyle's POV-&gt;-&gt;</strong>
</p><p>"Where are they fatass?" I asks as "Mitch Connor" finishes honking Dovahkiin's Mom's nose and the video ends.</p><p>"Where are who, Human Kite?"</p><p>"Eric Mother fucking Cartman." Dova says, eerily calm as he turns to face him with no emotion what so ever on his face. "I've put up with a lot of your shit over the last few years. I've also called you out on some of it, but this?" At this point he's got Cartman by the collar of his shirt and has lifted him off the ground as a small smile slowly comes across his face. "This crosses the god damn fucking line farther than its ever been crossed before. Now drop your clueless facade, get your delusional head out of your fatass, and tell me where the hell my parents are before I chop off your pudgy little sausage fingers so that your stupid little hand puppet villain can never come back. No one is playing your stupid ass game. You've put all of us, all of this entire fucking town in  some real shit just so you can pretend to have a superhero franchise." Dovahkiin rants off, slowly sounding more and more insane and pissed as he talks but still keeping his voice at a normal volume. Cartman is currently trying to wiggle out of his hold but Dova has an iron grip on him. "So where the fuck are my parents?"</p><p>"I am not going to sit here and listen to these accusations!" Cartman shouts as he pushes off of Dovahkiin, tearing his costume and running up the stairs, using Timmy as a blockade. "I will prove my innocence!"</p><p>"After the fat ass!" I shout.</p><p>"He will pay for his bullshit!" Craig yells as we all rush up the stairs to follow him. We rush up the stairs and out of Token's house but Cartman is no where in site.</p><p>"Dammit, since when the hell has Cartman been able to run for more than 30 seconds? And quickly for that matter?" Stan questions.</p><p>"Since when has Cartman had the ability to become a legitimate evil mastermind." Dovahkiin growls out. He seems... well he seems pissed but he also looks kinda indifferent. Maybe because he's just beyond pissed off? I don't know but it's pretty scary.</p><p>"My question is why Dova's parents of all people?" Token asks.</p><p>"Yeah I mean my dad is the biggest dumbass of all our parents, it'd probably be easier to take him." Stan adds.</p><p>"I don't know about the biggest dumbass. My dad does exist after all." Kenny points out. "But he probably didn't take yours because even though he's a dumbass, he tends to be the one backing all the crazy, well crazy whatever is going on at the moment."</p><p>"Good point. Well whatever the reason we still-" Stan gets cut off by someone's phone ringing.</p><p>"Cartman where the fuck did you go." Dova growls.</p><p>"Hello to you too Dovahkiin. I'm afraid I don't know where Eric is. But I do know where you need to go. The first one is easy, go to the place where people get their coffee fix. Better Hurry. Tick tock tick tock."</p><p>"IM NOT GONNA- ARGH IM GONNA RIP HIS FUCKING HAND OFF HIS FAT LITTLE ARM!" Okay yup there's the terrifying rage machine we all know and love!</p><p>"Gah! Y-you guys d-don't think he t-t-took my parents too d-d-do you? GAH WHAT IF HE TOOK ALL OUR PARENTS! WHAT WILL WE DO THEN? I-I CANT RUN AN ENTIRE COFFEE SHOP ON MY OWN! I-I CANT PAY THE BILLS OR TAKE CARE OF MYSELF COMPLETELY YET! GAH THIS IS WAAAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE!" And now Tweek is freaking out.</p><p>"Okay both of you calm the fuck down. Dova, we're all gonna kick Cartman's ass but we're not going to rip off his limbs and get sent to jail for it." Craig says earning a growl and a huff from the very aggressive wolf boy. "And Tweek, Honey, we all saw our parents this morning right? That's probably why Cartman went after Dova's because he wasn't there and thus they were an easier target. Of course it could also just be Cartman's dickish tendencies to target Dov." He seemed to add the last bit after Dova flinched. Probably blaming himself now. Great from angry to depressed. I know he can't help it and I don't blame him for what his life has been like and what it is like, but mood swings are just difficult for everyone to deal with in general. I would suggest therapy but the only therapists in town is Mr.Mackey and well.... Apparently his couples counseling is to have the couple beat up a bunch of little kids.</p><p>"Okay now that we're a bit calmer we need to think of our options." Token suggests.</p><p>"We don't really have many options except maybe search the whole town." Kenny points out.</p><p>"Well it seems Cartman's trying to lead us somewhere, I'm assuming to Dova's parents so we might as well just play along with his fucked up goose chase for now." I sigh in annoyance.</p><p>"I'm sick and tired of Cartman's games. I was serious when I said I wasn't gonna put up with it anymore. I won't give him the satisfaction. He's probably just trying to buy time so that he can go hide away in whatever rat hole he crawled out of." Dovahkiin declares, walking off down the street.</p><p>"Hang on a minute D, where are you going?" Butters calls running after him along with Kenny.</p><p>"I'm going to my house. It'll be a lot easier to just sniff them out than to follow Cartman's stupid riddle scavenger hunt that'll send us all over town." He replies. Just as we are passing by the movie theater a ninja pops up out of no where.</p><p>"So you think you can outsmart City Ninjas?" Is that Mr.Kim?</p><p>
  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>"I do not have fucking time for this." I growl out as Mr.Kim rants off about all the enemies I've made. Great now we've gotta fight All the Dumbass Freshmen, MiniHooters, The "We're against everyone" Rednecks, Ninjas who are mostly Korean and Chinese, and Crabmen. Now if you told me 4 years ago I'd have to do this I probably would've thought you were insane. I wouldn't have been able to say anything but I definitely would've thought you were bat shit crazy.</p><p>What's equally batshit crazy is that I've just come to expect shit like this and I'm slowly learning to just kinda shrug it off like a mild nuisance. Now it's time to deal with these mild nuisances so that I can kick the giant pain in the ass, thorn in both my sides, and at this point seemingly world ending problem that is the overweight bastard Eric Theodore "The Coon" "Grand Wizard" "Fatass" Cartman.</p>
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<a name="section0031"><h2>31. Oh He is Pissed, He is Mad</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ah so this is the chapter I wrote after getting hit by a car apparently. That was fun. I wasn't actually hit hit just kinda harshly bumped. It left a scrape that hurt like a bitch though.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>]Dovahkiin's POV[</p><p>So we beat up the rag tag group of people I've managed to piss off recently. I also got a message from Wendy in the middle of the fight letting me know that she was trying to track where Cartman is. We'll see which method of tracking is better, traditional hound hunt or hacking. Either way we're getting his ass.</p><p>We make it to my house without any further incidents aaaand the place is wrecked and there's "blood" absolutely everywhere. It's very obviously not real because 1. This isn't an anime people don't have enough blood in their body to paint an entire house red. Especially not if they're still alive. 2. It doesn't smell or even really look like blood. It's more like a mixture of ketchup and red paint. In fact I think that's exactly what it is. Meh not my problem, I'm not coming back here till my parents figure their shit out.</p><p>"Jesus talk about overboard. I know Cartman likes his dramatics but damn." Clyde comments.</p><p>"Right, while Dova tries to pick up a scent amongst all this 'Blood' smell, the rest of us should look for clues that might be around here."<span class="Apple-converted-space"> Kyle suggests.</span></p><p>Actually, my parents have been like this for awhile and it usually takes them a long time to sort shit out. Not to mention they gotta realize that there's something to sort out first. And I don't think I could just mooch off the McCormicks for a few months no matter what they say.Alright focus Dova you're trying to find your parents not shit on them. Okay the ketchup-paint smell is way too over powering and it's making me low key nauseous. Okay no high key.</p><p>"You get anything mutt butt?" Craig asks.</p><p>"Yeah nausea. Who would've guessed that ketchup and paint mixed together would smell so damn awful." I reply sarcastically.</p><p>"Is that what this is? Damn that's gonna be a pain to clean." Token adds. "Has anyone found anything other than broken glass and shit, cause I've found fuck all."</p><p>"Nope nothing." Kyle says coming out of the kitchen.</p><p>"I found some dank w-w- some dank wee- I found some dank w-wee-weed." Jimmy says, coming down the stairs.</p><p>"Yeah that's my dad's."</p><p>"The only thing mildly interesting is that he left your room completely alone." Kenny responds, stopping behind Jimmy on the stairs.</p><p>"Great so now we've just wasted time and I'll have to follow Cartman's stupid-" I'm cut off by my phone blaring Run the world by Beyoncé, Aka the ring tone I designated for all the girls.</p><p>"Dovahkiin! I got him! The messages have been coming from the Community Center." Wendy says the moment I answer.</p><p>"Wait messages? As in multiple messages? How do you even know about this? And he only sent Dova one message, unless- Do you have like all of our electronics bugged or some shit?" Craig asks.</p><p>"Dude one of her moves is to blow up people's phones, no shit she's got all of us bugged. She's got all of South Park bugged!" Kyle says.</p><p>"I mean yeah but it's not like she uses it for evil." Stan says meekly trying to defend her, knowing fully well that that shit is just straight up weird and creepy and I'm pretty sure illegal but whatever. Wait why is he even trying to defend her? Didn't they break up?</p><p>"Is now really the time to be discussing this? Eric literally has Dova's parents held captive!" Wendy shouts, regaining our attention.</p><p>"Right right sorry. Okay to the Community Center!" Kyle says. We all rush over there, battling Crab people, freshmen, and ninjas along the way. Guess the Rasins are busy.</p><p>"Alright guys lets get this fat turd while we can." Kenny says as we reach the doors.</p><p>"Alright, ready? One-" Fuck the count down. I ignore Kyle and just spartan kick that shit open. And sure enough Fatass is standing there with his stupid hand puppet.</p><p>"Well, well, well, if it isn't the Freedom Pals and their prized player."</p><p>"Cut the Crap Cartman. Where are my parents?"</p><p>"I didn't do shit!" Cartman claims before his hand replies.</p><p>"I've done nothing yet. But when I'm finished with you, I can't say that they'll be safe exactly."</p><p>"This has gone far enough! We end this now!" Kenny yells at him.</p><p>"The only thing about to end is you, Mysterion."</p><p>"Over my dead body." I growl out.</p><p>"That can be arranged."</p><p>"We aren't gonna fight you, Cartman! Now put your stupid hand down and stop playing games!" Kyle yells.</p><p>"Oh no, we're definitely fighting him." Craig counters.</p><p>"Except it won't be that much of a fight, more like we beat the ever loving snot out of him and he spouts bullshit." I add. I am so gonna kill him. Like I legitimately intend to send him to the hospital after this.</p><p>"We have to stop him, you guys! He's got all of Dova's followers now!" Cartman says moving the very unnecessary mic to his actual mouth.</p><p>"The fuck are you talking about? You don't have shit."</p><p>"All the selfies you took with-"</p><p>"Is that what you're stupid riddle goose chase was for? We didn't follow it. I already told you that I'm done playing your stupid fucking games Cartman!" I shout at him, getting angrier by the second as this shit drags on.</p><p>"Even with their help you- wait WHAT!? YOU DIDN'T FOLLOW MY RIDDLES!? THEN HOW DID YOU-"</p><p>"THATS IT IM RIPPING YOUR STUPID ASS PUDGY LITTLE HAND OFF AND SHOVING IT DOWN YOUR FUCKING THROAT!" I yell at him, losing my nerve and charging. I'm seeing nothing but red right now and I want everyone else to as well.</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>&lt;-&lt;- Kyle's POV-&gt;-&gt;</strong>
</p><p>After loads of cheating and bullshit remarks we finally beat Cartman and his dumbass hand puppet. Dova currently has him up against a wall, arm pressed against his nearly nonexistent throat while the other is clenched into a fist and waiting to knock him the fuck out.</p><p>"Cartman I swear on everything holy and everything sinful as well, if you don't tell me where the flying fucking hell my parents are I'm gonna hit you do hard that you'll never wake up."His hand puppet then sudden disappears with a claim that we will never know.</p><p>"Connor no! Shit he's go-"</p><p>Dovahkiin proceeds to slam Cartman against the wall and yell at him "HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU I'M NOT PLAYING YOUR DEMENTED AS FUCK GAME ANYMORE FATASS!? WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY PARENTS!?" I think he dented the wall...</p><p>"Come on Dova, we'll take this fat piece of shit back to base." I suggest. Really I just want to give him a chance to calm down, and also keep him from damaging public property any further than we all already have.</p><p>"What fat piece of shit Human kite? And what game Alpha Wolf? I'm just-"</p><p>"Cartman unless you want broken bones, missing teeth, and a concussion, then shut the fuck up." Craig warns him, as Dovahkiin's growls increase.</p><p>"Oh he deserves a lot worse than that." Dova growls out.</p><p>"Right right, but first we need him to talk. And the only way we can get him to talk is torture." I say putting a hand on the angry Wolf's shoulder.</p><p>"Yeah threats don't work on fat dumbasses we need to actually torture him and shit. But let's do it back at base so the evidence is easier to hide and we have more tools to work with." Stan agrees, coming up to Dov's other side.</p><p>"You're gonna torture ME? For what!?"</p><p>"You know for what. Fine let's go. Someone take him. Otherwise I'll knock him out before we make it five feet out the door. Especially if he keeps spouting this bullshit." Dova says, shoving him towards me and Stan before, turning on his heel, angrily speed walking to the entrance, slamming the door open,and leaving.</p><p>"Gah! I-I think he b-br-broke the d-d-door." Tweek stutters our, extra twitchy because of our situation. Luckily Craig seems to be choosing to stick with his boyfriend rather than go after his angry best friend.</p><p>Kenny let's out a sigh before turning to us and saying, "I'll see if I can-"</p><p>"No. I'll go." Butters cuts him off. "You've been doing a lot and you're just as tired and stressed as he is. No offense but I think you trying to calm him might only make things worse. Let me handle this." He says, smiling sadly at Ken Before dashing off yelling "Dov wait up!"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0032"><h2>32. This isn't a Game Anymore</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>_|_Craig's POV_|_</strong>
</p><p>I don't really know how he did it, but Butters managed to calm Dov down ever so slightly. He's still utterly pissed but he's no longer on the verge of breaking all of Cartman's being. He'll probably still break his bones if he continues this bullshit or says something fucked up in anyway, but I don't blame him. I'm holding back the urge to give him a black eye myself and my parents aren't the ones kidnapped. We make it back to Token's house, miraculously avoiding both his parents, and get back to the basement.</p><p>Dov walks straight to the "training room" and the sounds of various thuds followed by slightly muffled screaming can be heard. "Um is there anything back there that he could've accidentally hit and hurt himself with?" I ask as the screaming turns into a chant of various curse words and insults.</p><p>"Other than the wall, no. Although I wouldn't put it pass him to punch the wall if he's this angry. Even though there's boxes and training dummies back there." Stan responds, while tying up Cartman who seems to have finally grasped just how high on Dova's shit list he is right now.</p><p>"I don't think he hurt himself. I just told him to let it out without actually harming anyone. I guess beating up boxes and screaming is how he's doing it. At least I hope that's the case." Butters says.</p><p>"I'm gonna go take a peek to make sure he's not bleeding or anything." Kenny then pauses for a second before adding, "And also to see if there's a hole in the wall."</p><p>"We're in a basement Kenny, I don't think even Dovahkiin can put a st-strai-ai a strai-straight up hole in the wall of a basement. Dent sure, hole no." Jimmy comments.</p><p>"Dude, did you see how pissed off he was? I honestly wouldn't put it past him." Clyde counters. "Anger fuels strength." Kenny just waves them both off before pulling his hood down as he enters the curtained off area that's somewhat silent now. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing.</p><p>"Alright well while DovaKen does that," Kyle says as him and Stan finish off tying down Fatass, "Let's start dealing with this fucker."</p><p>"You know I'm not sure I want to play this anymore guys can we play something else instead." Cartman says looking down at his feet.</p><p>"This stopped being a game when you started acting as a giant crime boss and dealing with drugs, and kidnapping, and, and, and all that shit!" Butters says, shouting the last part.</p><p>"But-"</p><p>"Do you even comprehend how bad all of this is Eric? Do you even realize how, how fucked up all this is? You've literally gotten people killed and yet you're still calling yourself a hero?" Butters seems to be just as mad as Dova is. Course since he's Butters that's not nearly as bad but still.</p><p>"I- Butters lis-"</p><p>"No, YOU listen here Eric! You even dragged me into it! You dragged all of us into it! I was meant to be the villain of the game but I knew what was going too far and THIS," He says, gesturing all around him. "This is actually legitimately evil! I would say that you could be arrested for it but you got the gosh darn Police under your thumb too! You corrupted them even further than they already were!"</p><p>"Okay no, I didn't know about the whole Eldritch god demon thing! That was all them, I had no idea-"</p><p>"So you admit that all of this was you. Not Bitch Condor or whatever the hell you call your stupid hand puppet?" Dovahkiin growls out as him and Ken walk back out of the training room.</p><p>"I- no It wasn't ME but-"</p><p>"Oh give it up Fatass! You literally just admitted it!" Kyle shouts.</p><p>"No you guys don't understand-"</p><p>"What? What could we possibly not understand? Other than why the fuck you would ever even think of going this far?" I ask glaring at him.</p><p>"No! Just listen."</p><p>"No, you l-listen to me Eric Cartman, y-you literally put all of us through Hell! You cause me and Craig to break up, you've put all of us in danger m-multiple times, hell Scott even fucking died! You've stressed all of us the f-fuck out, caused our town to go even further into shit than it normally is. And for what? Your enjoyment?" Tweek goes off on him.</p><p>"I WASN'T IN CONTROL!" Cartman yells out.</p><p>"Oh bullshit." I say rolling my eyes.</p><p>"NO! NO! Guys I'm 100% serious! I-I know you all think that Mitch Connor is fake, and I'll admit he was at first but-"</p><p>"Stop." Dovahkiin says holding up his hand. His voice and face are devoid of emotion again. That can't be good. "Just, stop Cartman."</p><p>"But-"</p><p>"No. You know what? I don't care. I don't care if you've just gone mad from living in this town for too long or from always being in the center of the shit that happens, if you've got some weird split personality disorder, hell I don't give a shit if you've been possessed by a weird ass hand demon or something! I don't give a shit what your bullshit reasoning is or if they're actually true or not." Dova says, slowly stepping closer and closer to the fat fucker whose supposedly our friend. "I just want to know one thing." He says as he picks him up by the collar once more, getting in his face before growling out through clenched teeth, "Where. Are. My. Parents."</p><p>"I.... I don't remember. B-But I d-do remember Connor saying something about making the cats stronger!" Cartman recovers quickly as Dova's growling increases.</p><p>"And what the hell does that mean?" I ask.</p><p>"More importantly what the hell does that have to do with my parents." Dovahkiin says through still gritted teeth.</p><p>"I-I think he wants to genetically modify the cats."</p><p>"So the Genetics lab." Kyle supplies.</p><p>"And Dr. Mephesto." Stan adds.</p><p>"Okay but again, what does this have to do with Dova's parents?" Kenny asks.</p><p>"I-I think that the genetics lab is like the HQ for all of this. So if Dovahkiin's parents are anywhere, they'd be there." Cartman responds.</p><p>"Fine. But if you're wrong, or if this is just another trap, it's your head Fatass." Dovahkiin says, finally throwing him back down onto the chair.</p><p>"Now, someone mind cluing me in on where the fuck the Genetics lab is and who the flying fuck Dr.Mehfistme is? Is that where the talking piece of shit and talking towel came from?" He requests as we all begin heading up stairs to begin our quest of retrieving D's parents.</p><p>"Surprisingly no. They just kinda came up on their own. I think the lab is in the upper part of the woods by Stark Pond." I say shrugging.</p><p>"Riiiiight. So I take it this guy is just one of the crazy random people that you guys encountered once or twice before?" He then seems to think of something else before adding, "And no one thought to warn me about the probably crazy scientist that lives by one of our main hang out places? Where we go off on our own all the time when playing hide and seek and shit?"</p><p>"Well when you put it like that...." Cartman mumbles. Why is he following us? How is he following us? Who untied this shit head and why? To use him as a meat shield or something? I'm using him as a meat shield.</p><p>"I mean he doesn't ever leave his lab. At least I don't think he does. I've only ever really seen him in his lab." Stan shrugs.</p><p>"Then how the fuck has he survived this long? Do we even know if he's alive still?" I question.</p><p>"I don't think I've seen him at all. Heard rumors and the whole Cartman's dad is his mom thing but-" And I've been ignored. Rude.</p><p>"Excuse me what?" Dova cuts Clyde off. Come to think of it, Dova gets ignored a lot despite often asking legitimate questions. Is this how he feels half the time?</p><p>"It's a long story." Kyle says, shaking his head. "Although I'm kinda surprised you haven't accidentally stumbled upon it yourself Dova. You're always going way past the fence. Well this one at least." He says pointing at the broken wooden fence we're currently passing.</p><p>"This gate says keep out on it! You shouldn't be going past it for trivial reasons Alpha Wolf!" I completely forgot Scott was here. Also why is he still using superhero names? There was a giant rant about how this isn't a game anymore. Not that it's been a game for a long time now but you know.</p><p>"We also shouldn't be taking on racist demonic tentacle monsters for a cat but we all did that." Dov counters. "And wait, is THAT what the evil haunted castle building is? Cause that shit don't look like a lab, it looks like a villain couldn't decide between building a haunted mansion or an evil castle and just decided to do both."</p><p>"I will never understand how your brain works Dovahkiin." Token declares.</p><p>"That's okay cause neither do I."</p><p>"You don't understand how a lot of things work." Stan jokes.</p><p>"Not my fault this town is filled with weird shit and even weirder people."</p><p>"Well that's why you fit right in Mutt Butt." I fire back.</p><p>"I hate that I can't counter that."</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>Craig, being the ass that he is, laughs at my response. "Wait let me get this straight," Token turns around to look at me, walking backwards. "You've seen it before but didn't know what it was?"</p><p>"Yeah I've come across it a few times. Also thought about going in to check it out before. Glad I didn't now though." I confirm.</p><p>"Dude, it literally has a sign that says 'South Park Genetic Engineering' right at the front in bold letters." Token says, pointing up at said sign.</p><p>"Ah, yeah there is huh. Well I've never really been at the front. Except maybe during a full moon or something but that's besides the point." I that's a lie. I've been all around the perimeter of the fence like 8 times. And only two of those was when I was all wolfy.</p><p>"You just didn't look did you?" Kenny asks with an unimpressed look on his face. I simply hum in response, keeping my gaze up at the creepy ass building.</p><p>"You just climbed over the fence without looking and got creeped out didn't you." Butters adds to Kenny's guess.</p><p>"I hate that you guys know me so well. But yeah pretty much, though I've only hopped over 3 times."</p><p>"We love you too Mutt Butt." Craig says patting my shoulder. "Wait, how many times have you been here?" I simply stick my tongue out at him like the child I am, choosing to ignore his question.</p><p>"S-so we're here but n-now what do we do?" Tweek asks.</p><p>"Claim we're here for a tour. He never actually checks, just assumed he forgot." Kenny replies.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0033"><h2>33. Butt Why?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>]Dovahkiin's POV[</p><p>So apparently creepy scientist guy only gives tours at night because I don't fucking know, ambiance? "Alright so what exactly are we meant to do for the next... 6 hours?" I ask, checking the time on my phone.</p><p>"I mean 6 hours isn't thaaaaat long"</p><p>"Clyde you can barely sit through an assembly without either falling asleep or getting us in trouble for talking." Token points out.</p><p>"Yeah but that's cause it's boring."</p><p>"And you think sitting here and waiting isn't gonna be boring?" I ask with a raised brow.</p><p>"Good point." We all just kinda stand there for a minute silently. Butters shifts and seems like he's about to say something when suddenly-</p><p>"You know Dovahkiin, you still have yet to tap the full potential of your time-bending ass, ass, ass...." GAH MORGAN FREEMAN. "Something that could enhance your ability, could possibly make time pass more quickly, quickly, quickly...." Oh okay yeah I see where this is going. I'm gonna have to make more weird not quite Mexican Mexican food aren't I? "You see that AC fan over there? Right there behind you. Over by the gate. On the left side can't miss it."</p><p>I look over my shoulder and slowly start making my way towards the gate. Everyone else seems to be watching me. They don't see Morgan Freeman too do they? I mean no one is saying anything...</p><p>"If you fart into that fan the oscillation of the gas will filter through the expansion valve, mixing it with the pressurized refrigerant inside the condenser coils..." What. "Don't question if that makes any sense kid. Just fart in the fan, go on." I really don't want to. "I'll fire it up for you right now."</p><p>"Soooo I'm not the only one that saw Morgan Freeman tell Dova to fart in a fan because some how that's gonna lead him to being able to speed up time right?" Stan asks.</p><p>"Wait you guys saw him too? I don't just have a weird ass psychic link with Morgan Freeman for some bizarre reason?"</p><p>"I- does this happen every time you get a new time fart?" Kyle asks looking at me with sheer confusion written all over his face.</p><p>"Yeah. Usually he tells me to make some weird ass Mexican food, I gather all the shit for it, make it and then eat it and suddenly I can fart through time." I explain.</p><p>"What in the actual fuck?" Token asks clearly bewildered by this whole thing.</p><p>"Yeah I have no fucking idea how any of it works." I admit.</p><p>"So what does all of that have to do with farting into a fan?" Wendy asks, nose scrunched in disgust.</p><p>"Dunno let's find out." I say gesturing to the fan that lord knows how Freeman actually turned on. I fart into the fan aaaaaand suddenly it's night time. Also there's a thunderstorm only over the creepy mansion lab place now.</p><p>"What in the actual fuck just happened?" Clyde asks.</p><p>"I... I am so confused." I say just sitting down, and rubbing my face before running a hand through my hair. I let out a long frustrated exhale before turning to the others. "Alright, yeah sure whatever fuck it. See if we can go on this weird ass tour now."</p><p>Kyle taps the button for the intercom thing and says, "Um, hello? We're here for the tour."</p><p>"Ah yes come in." And cue giant creepy gate creaking open.</p><p>"I'm so about to get experimented on." I grumble as I get up and follow behind Kenny up to the stereotypical evil lair/lab. We all crowd in front of the door and- wait a minute. "Is it just me or is the door covered in asses?"</p><p>"Oh right Dr. Mephesto kinda has a thing for butts." Cartman comments. I not so subtly grab Ken by the waist and pull him back towards me.</p><p>"Not that kinda thing idiot!" He says punching my shoulder and wiggling out of my grip. You know I honestly forgot Cartman was here. Which considering he's the whole reason we're in this mess is kinda shocking. But to be fair he has seemed to wise up and decided to actually be fucking quiet for once.</p><p>The door then opens and.... There's a fat old guy with a yellow floral pattern shirt, hat, and a butt cane. This was NOT what I was expecting.</p><p>"Oh, some young people interested in genetic engineering, huh? Wonderful! Ple-" he pauses when his eyes land on me. "Oh a little too into genetic engineering I see. You didn't actually come here for a tour did you? You just wanted me to fix your screw up huh?"</p><p>"No no no this was not a result of genetic engineering!" At least I don't think it was.</p><p>"Yeah he's always been like that. We really are just here for the tour!" Butters chips in giving him the classic "look at me I'm a cute innocent angel" Butters smile. Either I've finally corrupted him and have succeeded in teaching him how to be manipulative or he doesn't get the picture and actually thinks we're just here for a tour.</p><p>"Oh well in that case please come in!" He says stepping to the side to let us in. "Oh wow  there's a lot of you."</p><p>As he's holding the door open for everyone I turn to Butters and whisper "Was that you actually thinking we're here for a tour or have you finally gotten down using your Buttersness to manipulate people?"</p><p>"Why I haven't the foggiest idea what you're talking about Alpha Wolf." Butters responds with a tilt of his head while looking at me all wide-eyed and innocent. I catch a subtle mischievous glint in his eye followed by what looked like the flash of a small smirk before he turns around to face the others.</p><p>"Dear lord we've ruined him." Kenny says, having watched the whole exchange.</p><p>"Never thought I'd be scared of Butters." I add on, nodding in agreement. We both then turn to Mehfistme as he seems to be starting the tour now.</p><p>"Well! I'm so pleased that you children are interested in genetic engineering." Is that a mule with multiple human butts in a tube? Or Is it a horse?</p><p>"Genetic science began as a simple question. Can a monkey be made to have four asses instead of one?" I don't think that's right. Also why would anybody ask that?</p><p>"The answer was yes. And now we've been able to give more asses to pigs, horses, everything you can imagine."</p><p>"But whyyyy?" I whisper. "Why would you do this?"</p><p>"How does that help?" Craig questions, a lot louder than me.</p><p>"Ohhh you're one of the cynics huh? Well, meet me over here for the tour and I'll show you how!"</p><p>"How the fuck was that being cynical?" Stan whispers looking to Craig as we follow the very crazy scientist. "That was like a legit question."</p><p>"Come on, don't be shy. We don't want to miss the four-assed gorilla feeding."</p><p>"It wasn't this guy is just clearly crazy." I whisper back. "Also when Cartman said he had a thing for butts I didn't think it'd be like this."</p><p>"You ever play that video game Half-Life? OK here we go!" Dr. Mefishtoes asks randomly, as we all pile in and the weird... well it's not exactly a lift cause it doesn't go up at all but it's kinda like ski lift shaped? I was going somewhere with this but I don't remember where.</p><p>"Here you can see our greenhouse. Genetic engineering is helpful to grow larger tomatoes, onions, cucumbers." Why are they so lumpy looking? "Fruits and vegetables with more asses-"  Ah, thats why. Did he just say giving them asses boosts their nutritional value or some shit? How the fuck does that work?</p><p>"What good does that do? I don't see how putting asses on plants could possibly-"</p><p>"Ho, you Bible thumpers are all alike. Don't play god, you'll pay for it! Ha. Let's continue up to the second level, shall we?" I feel like we're gonna end up paying for it on this tour. That's usually how this shit goes, foreshadowing and all that jazz.</p><p>"Did you just call ME a bible thumper?" Craig glares at his back. "I just wanna know how adding asses to things he-"</p><p>"Another benefit of genetic engineering, of course, is combining animals."</p><p>"Is this how you feel all the time Dova?" Craig whispers clearly very annoyed at the bullshittery that's in play.</p><p>"Yeah pretty much." I say basically tuning this guy out at this point.</p><p>Craig doesn't though. "Will you please explain how that benefits science, AT ALL?" Riiiight Craig is secretly a bit of a science nerd isn't he? Though I'm pretty sure he's more into space than anything else but still. It all melds together at some point or something right?</p><p>"What's your name young man?"</p><p>"Super Craig." Did he just-</p><p>"You see Super Craig, once we know how to do things to animals, we can hopefully apply them to mankind. You think having more asses is impossible? I tell you it's not."</p><p>"Did he actually just call you Super Craig?" Stan whispers.</p><p>"I honestly said that as a joke and as a weak attempt to show him I'm not one of those crazy "follow everything this old ass book says or you're gonna die alone and burn in hell" people. I'm as surprised as you are."</p><p>"Gah y-you're really getting w-w-worked up about this." Tweek says looking at him in concern before going off into what seems to be a stressed out mumbled freak out. I think he's mumbling about not knowing how to calm Craig down and how that's not fair cause Craig is always calming him down.</p><p>"Tweek, hey woah it's okay honey it's alright I'm fine no need to get stressed, I'm just a bit annoyed is all." Guess Tweek managed to unintentionally calm him down by distracting him with his own need to be calmed down. Whatever works. Oh the science guy is talking again. He had a son named Terrance apparently.</p><p>"Oh yeah I remember that kid." Stan comments.</p><p>"I always wondered whatever happened to him." Kyle adds on.</p><p>"Terrance was tragically killed in town when some kids were playing around with a relic belonging to Barbara Streisand."</p><p>Kenny, Kyle, Stan, and Cartman all suddenly inhaled through clenched teeth at that. "Ooh jeeze think that was us." Kenny whispers.</p><p>"Oh that was 100% us." Kyle whispers back.</p><p>"So you're doing all this as a way to bring back your dead son?" Wendy asks.</p><p>"Well now I feel bad for-"</p><p>"Bring him back? Of course not. I'm trying to give his dead body more asses so he can Rest In Peace. Now let's continue to the fourth floor!"</p><p>"Never mind. I don't feel bad at all." Craig says, looking simultaneously annoyed and dead inside.</p><p>The door opens up and I already have a bad feeling. "Why do I feel like this is where everything goes to shit?" I whisper.</p><p>"Probably because there's a bunch of mutated ninth graders in pods." Stan whispers as the "Scientist" begins to talk about how his new benefactor asked for these mutants so that they would be stronger and crazier.</p><p>"OK. OK! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT!?" And Craig's lost it. I don't really blame him though.</p><p>"How do you mean?"</p><p>"WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU MAKE GENETICALLY ENHANCED FRESHMEN? I'M PRETTY FUCKING SURE THAT'S ILLEGAL!"</p><p>"Okay c-calm down Craig." Tweek says grabbing his hand.</p><p>"How do you think we pay for all this? We have financial donors. Our latest benefactor has asked for this army of mutated High school freshmen to protect his altered cats."</p><p>"Eric, what the heck have you done?" I hear Butters angrily whispering at him.</p><p>"I didn't know about any of this! This wasn't me I swear!" I hear him frantically whispering back. I'm starting to think he's got a weird personality disorder or something because he seems actually freaked out by all of this. Also we are now looking at cats that seem very angry and have a lot of butts on them. And oh good they're deadly.</p><p>"THEN WHY WOULD YOU BRING A BUNCH OF TEENAGERS UP HERE!?" Craig yells at him.</p><p>"Look there's nothing to worry about! This entire facility has a very complex security grid."</p><p>"Why the fuck did you just say that? Have you seen Jurassic Park? Now everything's gonna fail, all the shit in here will be released and-" I'm cut off by an explosion and the lights going off.</p><p>"Aaand now we're all fucked." Kenny finishes.</p><p>"Huh, that's never happened before." Oh look there's the flashing red alarm and surprise surprise security is fucked and so are we.</p><p>"Hello freedom pals."</p><p>We all turn to glare at Cartman, but he's not there. "God fucking Dammit you fat fuck! You're gonna get us all killed!" Okay I'm starting to get angry again.</p><p>"So you've figured out my little plan, huh Freedom Pals? Think you can stop me? Well let's put these cats to the test."</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>|•|Kenny's POV|•|</strong>
</p><p>"I SWEAR TO GOD CARTMAN IF WE DON'T DIE HERE I'M ACTUALLY GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF YOU'VE GOT SOME WEIRD PERSONALITY THING OR NOT I'M SICK OF YOUR BULL SHIT." Dovahkiin yells up at the ceiling. Yeah I was kinda wondering why Dova had been so calm through out all this after having been oh so royally pissed before hand.</p><p>"Jesus fucking Christ. How the hell did he even get away?" Token curses.</p><p>"Do you guys know what tonight is?" "Mitch Connor" asks as a section of the ceiling begins to open up, revealing the night sky.</p><p>The cats are now getting extra loud and hissy, probably because Dova is getting extra growly and- "Shit." I say going wide eyed as I turn towards my slowly morphing boyfriend.</p><p>"Oh shit it's a full moon!" Craig says also staring at the very angry, quickly transforming teen in front of us.</p><p>"What's happening with him? He a werewolf or something?" Stupid fucking scientist guy HAD to say werewolf didn't he?</p><p>" 'M NOT A FUCKIN' WEREWOLF" Dova says whirling around to face him growling, and starting to lower onto all fours. He's definitely fighting the transformation that's for sure.</p><p>"Well now he's even more pissed off good fucking job!" Kyle yells glaring at the supposed Doctor.</p><p>"I don't get it! He was fine when we were coming in!" Token points out as we all start slowly backing off to give him some space.</p><p>"The clouds must've been covering the moon or some shit! Plus he wasn't angry when we came in!" Stan responds.</p><p>"Have fun dealing with an angry wolf and pissed off mutants Freedom pals. Sometimes sacrifices have to be made, and those sacrifices are you."</p><p>As "Mr. Connor" says this all the cats begin to break out, and of course they're all coming right at me. Oh great.</p>
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<a name="section0034"><h2>34. No Real Cats Were Harmed in the Making of this Chapter</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Re-reading my authors notes are always interesting. This one was about how I was going to be going to Disneyland the next day with my friends and my friend's roommate (The roommate was low key a bitch and kinda brought us down but we had fun anyways especially when she left early). Weird thinking that two months after that trip, Disneyland along with basically the rest of the country would be closing down because of the Coronavirus.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>|•|Kenny's POV|•|</strong>
</p><p>I squeeze my eyes shut in preparation for the impact and claws of multiple many assed cats. But instead I hear a very pissed off growl and a cat yowling out before there was a bit of a squish and a tearing sound followed by a thump and more growls. I open my eyes to see a fully wolfed Dovahkiin going ham on the cats.</p><p>"Wait he's not attacking us? Oh well that's good. We might not be completely doomed yet. I'll try and open the door then." Mephesto says as he begins to press buttons randomly. "I think this button will- no that just let more cats out."</p><p>"Well come on fellas we can't just leave Dov to do all the work!" Butters says just as Dova gets a scratch on the nose.</p><p>"He's right, and since these are just weird cats we don't gotta worry about the turn bullshit." Craig says decking one of the cats in the face.</p><p>"Do we really need to though? I mean he seems to have a handle on everything." Clyde asks.</p><p>"Do you see how many cats there are? Alpha wolf can't hold them off forever!" Scott replies. Is he seriously still using the super hero names? He's aware that this shit is like, real real now right?</p><p>"I've pressed this button three times and it's done three different things. Oh by the way my test subjects have a crazed hunger for flesh, especially that of humans. Might have something to do with the ass-adding process." Mephesto comments as he continues his button pressing.</p><p>"Gee you think?" I say as I kick a cat into another one. We've just started to actually whittle down the number of cats, some having been mauled to death(rest in peace kitty you didn't deserve this shit) while others have merely been knocked out or received broken bones from getting kicked or punched. But of course because we've actually made process the stupid scientist just had to pipe up and say,</p><p>"Okay here we go I'm starting to feel a lot better about the door opening this time. Uh oh- Nope I just appear to have released more test subjects."</p><p>"Oh for fucks sake." I groan. Dova seems to agree because he lets out a very angry sounding bark. A bark that kinda sends out a shock wave that sends all the cats flying and glass breaking.</p><p>"Oh r-right, I for-for-forgot that he could do that." Jimmy says as we all look out at all the now probably dead cats.</p><p>"Ordinarily I'd be sad about all these dead cats, but honestly living a life having way too may asses and being constantly mad because of it sounds pretty bad so..." Stan comments.</p><p>"I just want to know why the hell Dovahkiin didn't do that before we all got covered in scratches, bites, and hair balls." Dova then turns and let's out a very angry sounding snarl at Clyde. "AH I MEAN THANK YOU DOVA YOU WERE A BIG HELP! Please don't bite me." Clyde shouts out in a panic, whispering the last bit.</p><p>Dov just lets out a huff before turning to me and whining. "Are you in now control Dovy?" I ask reaching out to pet his head. He responds by sniffing at my leg and then licking it. Oh he's licking all the scratches and bite marks.</p><p>"I'm gonna take that as a somewhat." Craig replies.</p><p>Finally Metitsno gets the door open. "My poor creatures. Ah well I can always make more.  Now come along children, and wolf. We must escape the lab! Maybe... Maybe we can go through some of the larger exhibits. This- where is he going?" Dova bolts past him him barking and growling like crazy. We all exit the room in pursuit and are met with a bunch of broken glass and a few bloody corpses. Yeah this isn't good.</p><p>"GAH! All the pods are broken! M-Mutant Freshmen are a lot bigger than cats! A-a-and they're probably tougher too! D-DOVAHKIIN CAN'T FIGHT OFF ALL OF THEM AND WE SURE AS HELL CANT! GAAAHWH-WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! AAAH THIS IS TOO MUCH PRESSURE." Tweek yells out, tearing at his hair. I'm guessing he has just kinda been trying to bottle up his freak outs throughout this whole thing, hence why he's just kinda exploded every now and then.</p><p>"Yeah probably. This was definitely not supposed to happen."</p><p>"Oh would you shut up and fuck off!" Craig yells at him. "Tweek, Honey look at me, everything's gonna be alright. We just have to make sure we avoid them and we'll be fine. I'm sure Dova will be able to handle a few of the strays just fine." He says as he takes his fists out of his hair to hold them.</p><p>"But where<em> is</em> Dovahkiin? He just ran off on his own." Wendy points out. We are soon answered by someone groaning about how school is dumb followed by a lot of snarls, growls, and barks.</p><p>"Oh Jesus." Scott says as we gaze in the direction of the noise.</p><p>"It's okay, we'll be safe in the tour tram." Assman says walking over towards it. Why do I get the feeling something is wrong with the tram?</p><p>"Hang on a damn minute I'm not leaving my boyfriend here all alone with these things, wolfed up or not!" I respond. "Not to mention we still have no idea where his fucking parents are!"</p><p>"Oh well, the tour tram is offline anyways, so somebody is gonna have to get to the CPU and hit the override switch! I would say let your wolf friend do it but I don't think he can, lack of thumbs and all."</p><p>"Where's the CPU?" Kyle asks.</p><p>"Down on the third level... ah it was silly to put it there wasn't it?"</p><p>"So somebody has to walk down to the third level and flip the switch?" Stan asks. </p><p>"I'll do it."</p><p>"Alright, take this walkie talkie so that I can give you directions as to where to go." Mephesto says, handing me the device.</p><p>"Are you sure about this Kenny?" Kyle asks.</p><p>"Like I said, I'm not leaving my boyfriend here alone. Plus if he does lose control I'm the only one that can get him to snap out of it. Every time." I emphasize as I see Craig and Butters about to argue.</p><p>"Besides, even if I do die I'll just come back." I say with a shrug.</p><p>"Kenny-" Craig starts but I hold my hand up to stop him.</p><p>"Nope I'm doing this and I'm doing this alone. I'll see you guys outside, one way or another." I say as I walk over towards the futuristic door. I take a moment to just kinda breath and prepare myself for the inevitable.</p><p>"Be careful Ken." Kyle says as he grabs me by the shoulder. "Even if you will come back eventually, I still don't want you to die."</p><p>I give Kyle a sad smile. "I know Ky. I'll do my best. And if not then I'm sure at the least Dova will." I then walk through the door and am instantly met with a bunch of broken shit, growls and a scientist screaming "Ninth grader!"</p><p>"Dear lord what have I signed up for?" I mumble as I walk through the middle of, well I don't know what it is but it looks like someone blew it away so I'm guessing it was Dova's doing. Now if I could just figure out where the hell he went. Follow the trail of slightly cleared destruction I guess. Jesus this place is a mess.</p><p>"Hey strange hood kid whose voice keeps changing in a non-pubescent way, are you there?" I pull out the Walkie talkie with a roll of my eyes.</p><p>"It's Mysterion and yes I'm here." I say, being sure to put on the voice.</p><p>"Good, just thought I'd let you know that I put the stairs behind that big metal portal door. But to open the door you're gonna need power!" Dr. M instructs as I begin walking further into the destroyed room.</p><p>"THE WHOLE POINT OF STAIRS IS THAT THEY DON'T NEED ELECTRICITY! THAT'S WHY THEY'RE USED FOR EMERGENCIES." Craig yells in the background. I'm really hoping that the majority of this destruction wasn't Dovahkiin, but at the same time I'm afraid of what that means is out there. Judging by the wolf head shaped dent in this tank thing though, that was definitely Dova. Way to use your head babe.</p><p>"Anyways, get that-"</p><p>"You said big Metal door right?" I ask, cutting him off.</p><p>"Yeah, it should be the only one there. Why?"</p><p>"I think Dovahkiin already got it open." I say staring at what can only be described as a giant tear in the door which just so happens to be accompanied by claw marks, dents, and smaller tears and holes.</p><p>"What? How the hell did- whatever just get down to the third level."</p><p>I begin my descent down the stairs, taking note of the splotches of blood, fabric and occasional chunks of flesh along the way. I see a few bits of fur here and there too which is somewhat worrisome but also expected. I'm guessing Dova was fighting some 9th graders on the stairs. At least, I hope it was just some 9th graders.</p><p>As I'm almost at the bottom of the stairs Mephesto starts talking again, "You should be coming to my dead son now. Just keep heading west."</p><p>"Your sons not the only thing dead down here." I mumble as I step over the still bleeding mutant freshman. "Jesus Dova talk about overkill, we might've still been able to fix them, then again would we really want to fix them?" I continue to mumble to myself as I walk through the much larger but equally destroyed room. I guess the majority of these things are probably clones though. I mean it not like the freshman look the exact same with different color schemes. And Jesus why is this place so fucked? Seriously it's like there was an earthquake or some shit. Well I guess there was an explosion but still.</p><p>I hear a bunch of growling and cursing up ahead. Guess I caught up to Dov. I enter the door and sweet Jesus those Freshman have been seriously fucked up. Like mutation wise and ass kicked wise. Also why are there pictures of skinless boobs on all the screens?</p><p>"AAAHHHH GET IT OFF OF MEEEE! GET IT OFF OF MEE!" One of the still moving gorilla mutants cries out. He is currently trying to shake Dovahkiin off of him, who just so happens to have his teeth and claws sunken into his way too fucking large arm with butts.</p><p>"Dovahkiin that's enough! Come here!" I yell at him. I see his ears perk up at my shout and he almost instantly let's go, and launches off the 9th grader. Said 9th grader then runs off screaming with a few of the pig mutants following after him screaming that they don't want to end up like the three little pigs. The ones on the ground that aren't dead or unconscious either yell after them for help, scramble up and begin limping after them, or begin crawling away.</p><p>While this is happening, Dovahkiin is stood in front of me, on guard, growling up a storm, and prepared to lunge if he needs to. He stays like this until all those that could move are gone and the ones that remain are either groaning, crying, or whimpering. He's no longer hunched, low to the ground but he is still looking back and forth between the mutants and growling.</p><p>I let out a sigh and place my hand on his head. "Easy Dova, everything's fine now. You got 'em." I glance around the room before adding, "You got them a little too much in fact. Please don't beat yourself up too much when you come to. I'm pretty sure most of these guys were clones anyways. And even if they weren't, I myself wouldn't want to live my life as a pig human with way too many butts." I say rubbing behind his ear a bit. I get a whine and a hand lick in response. "Right, let's keep moving. Something tells me they're going to be a bit more hesitant in fighting us from now on." I say glancing down at him. "Although you're not looking too hot yourself." I grumble as I watch him limping a bit as we walk to the other side of the room.</p><p>"OI scientist guy, where am I meant to go from the room after your son's clones?" I ask.</p><p>"Oh good you've made it! The CPU should be right through the door. We'll come down and join you. Oh and did you by any chance find that wolf boy? I don't really want him running around my facility if he can just tear through metal doors."</p><p>"Yeah he's here with me, fucked up a bunch of the 9th graders," I say, flicking his ear when he begins growling at one of the ones trying to shimmy away.</p><p>"Okay good that means we don't have to worry about those then, well at least not as many. Right well we'll be down there shortly." Mephesto replies.</p><p>There are so many things wrong with that guy. "Come on Dovy, let's fix this shit so we can find your parents yeah?" I say, grabbing him by the stupid dog collar- which I have no idea how that's still in tact or why he's still wearing it for that matter- and urging him to come along. Do I want to know why he's growling even more at the door than he was the 9th graders?</p><p>We walk through the door and are met with a beaten up and tied up Cartman. Ah that's why he was growling so much.</p><p>"Mysterion! Thank god! I don't know what- AAAAAAH!"</p><p>And there goes Dovahkiin, yanking free of my hold to pounce on Cartman.</p>
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<a name="section0035"><h2>35. The Hell is Happening now?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>&lt;-&lt;- Kyle's POV-&gt;-&gt;</strong><br/>
We get down to the CPU and are met with Kenny desperately trying to keep Dova from mauling Cartman who already looks very beat up.</p><p>"No Dovahkiin! He may be an asshole whose fucked up in the head but he's still technically our friend! Even if he is a shitty one! No killing!" Kenny shouts at him as he rolls Fatass to the side as Dov lunges. He is REALLY angry right now. I don't blame him, and if I was in Ken's shoes I'd let him fuck up the fatass at least a little. Just a bite here and there, nothing that'll actually kill him.</p><p>"I dont even know how I got here I swear! None of this was me! Mitch Connor is real! He didn't used to be but he is now I swear!"</p><p>"Cartman, you fucking asshole stop talking bullshit and just admit you've fucked up!" I shout at him as Craig, Stan, and Butters move to hold back the snarling Dova.</p><p>"Okay I admit I did fuck up in the start and it was me at first but then it wasn't! Connor brought me here you guys I just. I lost consciousness and suddenly I was here and so was-" he begins ranting off before he punches himself.</p><p>"You shut up Coon. Soon this town will be rid of you and ALL the Freedom pals." His stupid hand puppet claims.</p><p>"We know what you're doing, Eric. Putting cat urine into people's drugs and alcohol to make them crazy." Timmy says. You know I don't question the shit we're some how able to do until Timmy starts speaking telepathically. Like how in the actual fuck do we do this shit? Dov is the only one with real powers. Well I guess there's Ken's ability to come back from the dead but still.</p><p>"Well crazier." Kenny mumbles, joining the three holding back the very pissed off wolf to try and get him to calm down enough not to kill Cartman.</p><p>"We want to know why!?" Wendy adds. "And where are Dovahkiin's parents?"</p><p>"I dont know! I swear to you none of this was me! I don't wanna be a super hero any more I just want ev-" Cartman is crying at this point, getting cut off by smacking himself.</p><p>"Quite your sniveling Coon! It's your own fault for creating me in the first place! This city is sick. We all know it. There's only one time of year when this town is the way it should be: on Christmas. So, I joined the Chamber of Commerce, and used them to unleash my master plan."</p><p>A screen comes on above the idiotic fat fuck whose still crying and yet somehow still... wait how the fuck is he full on sobbing while talking via hand puppet? He wasn't telling the truth was he? Oh who am I kidding that's insane. Then again this is South Park.... No no way, a hand puppet can't come to life and possess someone's body. A regular puppet maybe, but not a hand puppet.</p><p>"But now I've realized that's not good enough. Even on Christmas this town is flawed. We need to start from scratch, get rid of everyone and everything and start a new, replace everyone with improved versions of themselves." "Mitch Connor" continues ranting. I notice Wendy taking a picture of the plan followed by her typing away on multiple phones. Just Call girl doing her thing I guess.</p><p>"Dude you've already crossed the line and gone way too far. Don't make this even worse." Stan yells, still holding back Dova who seems to be growing in anger.</p><p>"No ones gonna let a 7th grader or his hand puppet be mayor!" I add on.</p><p>"Oh no? You think just because-"</p><p>"Okay fuck it, get him Dova." Craig says letting go of the blood thirsty wolf. Stan, Butters, and Kenny following his lead.</p><p>"Oh shit." Connor presses a button and a part of the floor opens up and begins to lower the fat fuck and the computers around him down. Cartman is currently screaming out and crying like a baby asking for us to help him.</p><p>Just as Dova is about to jump down into the pit bellow, it closes up. He lets out a frustrated... well I don't really know what to call that sound but it wasn't happy. And neither am I.</p><p>"God Dammit!" I curse, kicking at the metal surface that D. is currently trying to pry open with his everything by the looks of it.</p><p>"Well there goes the Main CPU. Darn it, why did I put that thing on a mobilized trap door?" Fucking Mephesto.</p><p>"WHY WOULDN'T YOU!?" Craig yells at him, Tweek patting his shoulder and shooshing him as he grumbles away about the idiotic scientist.</p><p>"I'm afraid now someone will have to go to the ground level and call for the tour tram from there."</p><p>"Or we could just wait for Dovahkiin to pry that open." Clyde points at him. He's currently alternating between clawing and bitting at where the doors meet in the middle. Okay now he's just jumping up and down on it and growling.</p><p>"GAH! W-Wait Dova if you D-Do that you're just g-g-gonna plummet down all the way to the b-b-bottom!" Tweek shouts out at him.</p><p>Kenny lets out an annoyed sigh. "Come on Dova, you can rip Cartman's arm off after we get down stairs the somewhat normal way." He says grabbing onto his collar that's somehow still there despite all the fighting and you know shifting into a wolf. He then begins to walk his furry of a boyfriend out as we are all once again left to wait and hope with a moron of a scientist. Great.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>|•|Kenny's POV|•|</strong>
</p><p>Me and Dova head through yet another big sliding metal door, Dovahkiin seems to be torn between bolting off ahead again but also not wanting to leave me. Good, I don't want him murdering a bunch of mutants or anything. And of course there's- okay never mind He just mini-big-bad-wolfed the chemicals away.</p><p>But now there's a hole. "Okay what are we gonna do about this? I'm sure you could probably maybe just barely make that ordinarily but you're hurt and would have to carry me." I point out as I see Dov eyeing the gap. He lets out an aggravated huff before looking around. Evidently he found what he was looking for because he's doing the pointing thing that hunting dogs do.</p><p>I follow his point and see an electrical panel and a fucked up door. "You sure that door could carry our weight? Even if it's bulletproof glass, it is still glass." I point out. Dov just continues to stare at me. "Uh Huh right okay I'll call Butters and yeet his hamster over there.</p><p>"Oi Shitty scientist, tell Professor Chaos to come here and Bring his hamster." I say into the walkie talkie, the scientist trying to say something but gets cut off by Butters saying "Okie Dokie Ken Karaoke." I have no idea what that even means but sure.</p><p>Butters gets over here pretty fast staring at the gap, "Oh geeze, that's a big hole. I'm not sure my minion will survive that fall." He says petting the cosplaying rodent.</p><p>"Well we'll just have to make sure he doesn't fall, right Dovy?" He simply wags his tale in response before looking forward once more.</p><p>"Well okay, make it a good throw." Butters says handing it over, "And you two be careful too."</p><p>"We will Butters, that's why we needed your help so that someone didn't attempt to jump it as it is." I say with a small smile before turning to throw the caped critter. It gets electrocuted the fuck out and flings off to the other side. The door falls down soon after. "I'll be sure to take care of it until we can get him back to you okay?" I say as I get onto Dov's back, avoiding his wounds as best I can.</p><p>"Yeah, okay." Butters says as Dov begins backing up. "Good luck you guys.</p><p>"Thanks Butters, Alright Dovy lets do this." I say gripping onto some of his neck fur as well as his collar. One jump off the ledge, a little run and another jump off the door. He stops for a moment so I can pick up the fried but alive hamster and then we're going down and he's jumping some more, hind legs scrambling a bit on the last one.</p><p>"Easy there Dovy." I pat his shoulder blade as he continues forward. "Think you can pry that trap door open?" The answer is apparently yes cause the moment I get off his back, he's standing on top of it and digging his claws into the door and tearing it open.</p><p>He glances up at me before tearing it more, bending some of the metal away from the hole he made. "Aww you making sure I don't get hurt Dovy Wovy?" I say with a smile. I get a tail wag and a happy yipe in response. Huh a ladder, how is Dov gonna- by jumping straight down okay. Meanwhile I put Butters' hamster in my pocket and climb down the ladder like a normal person, glancing down to see Dov at least caught himself mid fall a few times to ease the drop. Course that leaves me with a few bent pegs but whatever.</p><p>I make it down to find Dov once again hunched down and growling. Wasn't this where the weird ass animals were? Ah guess that's why he's on the defensive. "Alright, come on Wolfie, let's find the puppet possessed fat ass or whatever's going on with him and save your parents. That sound good fluff butt?" I try petting him a bit to calm him down some, after all there's no mutants in the immediate area. Insert annoyed huff and more growling. I let out a sigh before giving him a pat on the head "Yeah yeah I get it. But come one we gotta keep moving." Mepester unhelpfully states the obvious and gives no advise other than "Welp." Also pretty sure I saw a flaming tour tram zoom by but who knows.</p><p>In the next room there's a bunch of grates and what appear to be rat 9th graders eating a single slice of pizza. Heh Pizza rat. Of course at the sight of them Dova lets out a loud growl followed by a hefty Bark.</p><p>They seem to be about to fight when one of them speaks up "Wait, didn't Tanner say that they were nearly killed by a giant wolf?"</p><p>"Oh shit man! You're right!"</p><p>"Let's get the fuck out of here!"</p><p>And they're frantically going down into the grates, sounds of shuffling, cussing and a bit of screaming can be heard. Despite them clearly not coming back, Dov is still growling at the ground after them.</p><p>"Okay okay you scared them away tough guy, let's keep it moving." He lets off another annoyed huff before sniffing the air. And now he's suddenly gone from aggressively growling, to kinda nervous, kinda excited whining and scratching at the door.</p><p>"Ooookaaaay that's a change of pace." I say as I open the door.</p><p>Oh. Yeah okay that makes sense then.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0036"><h2>36. The Wolf</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>This is the chapter I decided to begin moving the series over here. So that's funky.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>Not gonna lie I've kinda been out of it since the cats. I'm not really fully in control but I'm not exactly just sitting and watching a screen either. It's all a bit fuzzy though and not the "I'm not wearing my glasses," fuzzy either. I can still feel all the emotions though, most of which are anger and sometimes fear. There's also been flashes of concern, pride, and an almost constant need to protect. That's when I'm next to Kenny, which is also when I have the most control. Still not complete control but you know.</p><p>But that's not really important right now, what's important is that my parents are on the other side of this door and I need to get to them to make sure they're okay. Ken finally opens the door and I instantly go to sniff at and check on my parents. My dad is completely naked and strapped down on some weird table thing. He seems kinda scared of me (of fucking course he is) but more scared of the position he's in and the current situation. He's talking to me but I'm not really registering his words. I look around and- holy fuck. I immediately make a B line to my mother, my dad shouting at me to wait.</p><p>I don't know if it's cause she's the one I get the wolf blood from or what but I can at least somewhat understand her. From what I can pick up she was attacked by 9th graders- I feel less bad for killing a few of them now- and "they" are trying to get DNA from her or my dad. My guess is to clone me or something. The entire time she's doing this I'm just kinda licking at her wounds. That's when she grabs me by the face.</p><p>"Dova, sweetheart, my pup. I'm sorry for all the shit we've put you through. I should've been leading you through all this rather than keeping it locked away like your father suggested. He doesn't understand, he's not like us and I know I'm not completely like you either but..." she's softly rubbing my cheek with her thumb as she takes a moment to breathe. I can't help but to lean into it and whine.</p><p>"Listen cucciolo, I know this is gonna be hard and I wish there was another way but..." I have no idea what cucciolo means but I think it's Italian. "Honey they were about to cut off your father's head to scan his DNA. I'm sorry my sweet pup but the only way out of this is if your father dies. You're gonna have to finish it." Aaaand now they're both arguing again. Seriously? At a time like this? Also why the fuck would they need to take off his entire fucking head? Why not just draw some blood?</p><p>Jesus Cartman what the fuck are you making me do here? I can't kill my dad! Even if he is an asshole! And spouting BS about how he saw this coming because you can definitely guess that this shit would happen. Crazy shit happens in South Park but even this is pretty fucking out there.</p><p>And now he's telling me to take off Mom's arm because either one of their DNA will do. My mom's arguing that they won't get the wolf gene if they take my father's though and can't make a perfect clone and...</p><p>GOD DAMMIT WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO HERE?</p><p>My mom can't afford to lose anymore blood so taking her arm off is definitely a big no, obviously my dad will die without his head, I... am I really having to choose between my parents? I mean my mom always treated me better but that doesn't mean I want my dad dead! Am I hyperventilating? I feel like I'm hyperventilating. I'm sure as hell not getting enough air, and things are even blurrier now. When did I start backing up? Am I about to leave them both? That's not gonna help any-</p><p>"ENOUGH! NEITHER OF YOU ARE FUCKING DYING!" Kenny....<br/>I... I completely forgot he was here. I turn to him and immediately curl around him. Whining, crying and sobbing all at once.</p><p>"I... I don't know how to get of out of here but we definitely don't need to take off his head or your arm that's for sure. I might not have been able to hack my way out but I should at least be able to make it so that it doesn't cut your fucking head off. Or better yet we can just take one of these syringes," Ken says walking over to my dad and jabbing him in the shoulder. "Do this, and this," he says yanking our some of his hair "and we should be good." He puts it in the thing and nothing happens for a little while. Please, please just fucking work for once I need something to fucking work for once in my life. But of course it doesn't. Instead it just flashes red. It says something on it but everything is too blurry for me to read it.</p><p>"Well shit sorry kiddo looks like you've gotta take your mother's arm off." Seriously? Are you fucking serious? You're just gonna light heartedly tell me to kill her now?</p><p>"N-no this this cant be happening." I hear my mother start to cry.</p><p>"No wait, hang on! There's gotta be another way!" Kenny says shaking his head and kicking the thing. "Come on you useless piece of shit! I put some fucking DNA in here!"</p><p>"Sorry Kendall but obviously it needs something more. Alright champ go tear off your mother's arm!" He got Kenny's name wrong. I've been dating him for three years and he's been acting as my rock and he gets his fucking name wrong? And you're telling me to basically kill my mother again?</p><p>You want me to tear off somebody's arm so badly? The stupid machine needs a limb? Fucking fine.</p><p>"Hey wait a minute there kiddo. Wh-What are you doing? N-Nice boy"</p><p>"Dovahkiin wait you're not gonna actually-"</p><p>I cut Ken off with an angry growl and bark. "H-hang on there son this- come on. I-It's me! It's Daddy!" I tune him out and keep stocking closer.</p><p>If he thinks tearing off my mother's arm won't kill her then with that logic, <em>tearing off his leg wouldn't kill him right? What has he even ever done for us other than lock us away in a cage? He tried to hide us away from the world. He hurts mother, makes her cry, and constantly tells us lies. He made us forget what we were. Tries to force us to be like him. Be pathetic and weak. We aren't like him. We are strong and powerful.</em></p><p>
  <em>Why should we care if this brings him pain? Why should  we care if he dies from blood loss?  Why should we care when he has fresh flesh. Fresh blood for us. Fresh screams.</em>
</p><p>Wait screams? "DOVAHKIIN STOP IT!" That's Kenny but why's he yelling at me? I look over at him and he's staring at me with terror in his eyes. My dad is still screaming and I think my mom is crying but I don't really know why.</p><p>What just happened? Why- Why is my dad missing half a leg? What am I holding in my mou- oh. Oh god what did I do? I-I tore my dad's fucking leg off what. I- I did this why did I? How could I nononono. Not again. I lost it again-I didn't. I hurt someone I cared about again oh god oh god oh god.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>|•|Kenny's POV|•|</strong>
</p><p>"DOVAHKIIN STOP!" I yell at him one more time trying to get him to stop shaking the fucking half of a disembodied leg. He just- he just completely lost it there. I- that was horrifying he just started growling and then he just-he just- he just fucking jumped on top of his dad and started biting and yanking and shredding and-</p><p>Okay okay I need to calm down. He needs me right now and he's clearly realized what he's done and is hyperventilating... Again.</p><p>"O-Okay it's- Dovahkiin you didn't kill him. He's fine okay?" I start to say.</p><p>"FINE? HE TORE MY FUCKING LEG OFF! THAT THING IS NO SON OF MINE THAT'S A MONSTER!"</p><p>"OH SURE MAKE THINGS WORSE LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO! Dovahkiin! Honey come here!" His mom calls to him. I don't think he can hear though. He's too far gone in his panic.</p><p>"DON'T COMFORT HIM! HE FUCKING RIPPED MY LEG OFF!"</p><p>"YOU MADE HIM LOSE CONTROL BY TELLING HIM TO KILL ME WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT!" Okay this is definitely not good. Dovahkiin is sobbing, hyperventilating, shaking and is  having a massive panic attack while his parents are bleeding out and having a screaming match.</p><p>"WOULD BOTH OF YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOUR SON IS HAVING A GOD DAMN PANIC ATTACK AND NEITHER OF YOU ARE HELPING IN THE SLIGHTEST!" I shout out at them, making both of them go silent.</p><p>"I-I'm sorry you're right. Listen, Kenny use that leg to get out of here and get some help before either of us bleeds out okay? Please you need to hurry." Mrs. Lupo apologizes. At least she's sensible and gets my name right. Mr. Lupo is just grumbling away to himself and complaining about his "missing leg and bastard monster son."</p><p>"Right. Right I'll-" Ah. That's kinda hard to look at, let alone pick up. I glance at Dova and realize he's completely zoned in on it. Whether or not he's actually seeing it is up in the air with how foggy and tear filled his eyes are. Right gotta-Mmf it's so gross.</p><p>"What the hell are you waiting for! I'm bleeding out over here!"</p><p>"Chris shut the hell up!"</p><p>I shake my head to clear out the disturbed thoughts. Come on Kenneth you've dealt with worse than this before! Hell you've been torn apart by rats on multiple occasions! Just fucking pick up the leg and put it in the thing so your boyfriend doesn't have to look at it, you can enter the stupid fucking elevator, calm him down and end this whole stupid fucking thing!</p><p>Okay this is gross and heavy and weird and ew ew ew ew. I quickly toss it into the DNA thing and it makes a squishy splat sound upon landing, which I ignore(okay no I didn't, it was gross and I gagged), and turn it on. It starts to grind it up before it goes green and opens the elevator door.</p><p>"Okay Dova, just a little bit-" I turn to find him shaking even more, ears down, tail between his legs, and throw up on his chest and in front of him. "Oh Dovy." I say with a sigh and a frown as I move towards him.</p><p>"Come on, we only have to deal with this shit for a little bit longer." I say petting him slowly before grabbing his collar and gently urging him forward. He's still sobbing and breathing heavily but it's not as bad.</p><p>"We'll be back with help Mrs. and Mr. Lupo." I say as I begin leading Dova through yet another door. I get a good luck and groan respectively in response.</p><p>I'm tired of doors and stairs and elevator. I'm tired of this stupid lab. I just wanna go home and cuddle with my boyfriend with all our parents safe, happy, and healthy. I'm tired of all this bullshit and anxiety and depression and Jesus. But alas, that's not an option. So instead I focus on hugging my boyfriend and trying to calm him down while avoiding the barf in his fur.</p><p>"You're okay Dovy. It's okay. It wasn't you, it wasn't your fault. No one that wasn't a clone died. We're gonna get your parents help and they're gonna be fine. We're gonna be fine." I murmur as I hug him tighter and stroke his head.</p><p>Slowly his breathing evens out some and the sobs become less frequent. I ignore the main 9th grader calling for help as well as the button to put more buts on him, though I admit it's tempting. Me and Dovahkiin just keep walking slowly down the corridor, him limping even more than he was before. I think this is all beginning to pile up on him now. Like it's all hitting him at full force now. We go through another fucking door and I stop to wait for the tram and the others. I feel Dova flop against my leg. This might take awhile.</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>I don't really know why we're sat here waiting. Or for what for that matter. I just know that Kenny is humming and petting me and we're safe. At least at this moment we are. He said we were and that we're fine so we are. But aren't we meant to be getting my parents some help? No. No, don't worry about that Dovahkiin. Just worry about Ken. Focus on Kenny. Your parents are gonna be fine. Kenny said so. I just, I just gotta pay attention to his humming, and his fingers going through my fur and his warmth at my side and I just gotta enjoy it.</p><p>But of course just as I'm about to close my eyes and relax, the moments over. Kenny stops humming and stands up as the cart thingy comes by with everyone on it. I'm not really focusing on what the others are saying, just on staying glued to Kenny's side and leaning into his hand scratching behind my ear. I don't want to think anymore but of course that'd be too easy. Apparently now is when everything catches up to me because everything hurts. Like there was a slight ache before but now I don't even want to move.</p><p>I let out a whine to let the others know that but I still can't make out their voices. Actually, I can barely make them out at all. Geeze I really am tired. Hell not even tired I'm fucking exhausted! I want Ken to scratch my ear more... felt nice. Want him to hum more. I love his humming.</p><p>It'll be fine if I take a quick nap right? I've done enough here right? Yeah... I'll just shut my eyes for a few minutes...</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I originally had planned for the hair and blood to be enough for the thing to work but then I had noticed a lot of people (on wattpad) commenting that they wanted angst and blood shed. So I gave them angst and bloodshed. I also was sure to let them know that and called them out for being the monsters that they are.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0037"><h2>37. He’s Baaaaaack</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>|•|Kenny's POV|•|</strong><br/>"Did- Did he just pass out?" Token questions, pointing towards Dov, who's just completely slumped against me at this point.</p><p>"Well shit. That's not good. Can't really say I'm surprised though." Stan comments.</p><p>"What's that supposed to mean?" I ask glaring at him.</p><p>"That he's been running around and doing a bunch of shit, on only a few nights sleep after basically going without any for the majority of the week." Stan replies with a brow raise.</p><p>"Ah right sorry that. Yeah." Why am I so shaken still? Like yeah this shits crazy but we've been through worse haven't we? Or at least I've been through worse... I think...</p><p>"Kenny." I look up to meet Kyle's concerned gaze. "What- What happened? I know in this state it usually takes a lot to shake Dova up and the... liquid around his muzzle isn't really reassuring."</p><p>I take a deep breath before letting it out in a long sigh. "He... well he didn't mean to obviously but to be fair there wasn't really any other way but- well he didn't mean to be that violent but-"</p><p>"Ken." Kyle cuts me off, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder. I'm glad that stupid scientist decided to go ahead now. I don't really like anyone seeing me or Dova like this but it's better my friends than my friends and a creepy old lunatic.</p><p>"O-okay so b-basically we found Dova's parents-"</p><p>"You did? Well that's a good thing isn't it? Where are they?" Butters cuts me off.</p><p>I close my eyes and breathe in sharply again. When I open them again I can't meet the others' gaze. "T-that's the thing, they. Well his dad was fine for the most part just, very securely strapped down and naked but his mom... well she had been attacked by ninth graders and she wasn't looking too good and then the machine needed DNA from one of them but a bit of blood and hair wasn't enough and then his parents were arguing and his dad was being a douche bag as usual and-and-and-"</p><p>"Kenny! Kenny! S-slow down! Jesus man! J-just take a d-deep breath and hold it okay?" Tweek says coming to place his hand on the opposite shoulder to Kyle. I do as he says and listen to him telling me to breathe in and out slowly.</p><p>"B-better?"</p><p>"Not really." I admit, still feeling the pit in my stomach and heart in my throat. "I-I don't think I can really get better from this that quickly but thank you anyways."</p><p>"It's okay, I don't blame you for feeling like that. I mean this shits been pretty fucking crazy and most of us haven't even seen half of it." Kyle says with a reassuring squeeze to my shoulder. I simple nod in response.</p><p>I take one last deep breath before spitting it out. "Dova ripped half of his Dad's leg off."</p><p>"He f-f-fucking what?" Jimmy asks.</p><p>"I- I don't think he meant to-I mean you saw how he was, and that was after I'd calmed him down and-"</p><p>"Kenny we know. We all know Dova would never intentionally do something like that. His dad's not..." Wendy reassures me before leaving off with the silent question.</p><p>"He's alive. Or at least was when we left but he was losing a lot of blood. Probably should've done something about that before we left but I was more focused on getting Dovy the fuck out of there."</p><p>"Well in that case we need to hurry the fuck up and get out of here." Craig suggests. Before I can point out the fact that none of us can carry the unconscious mass of muscle and fur that is my boyfriend, a really fucking annoying voice interrupts us.</p><p>"I don't think so guys." That mother fucking son of a bitch is daring to show his face again? "You came all this way just to die Freedom pals." We all move over to the butt plant room and are met with a barely standing slumped over Cartman. What in the actual fuck? The only thing that's fully upright is his stupid hand puppet.</p><p>"More and more I'm starting to actually believe something weird is going on here and I'm not okay with that." Clyde admits. "Like with the whole Mitch Connor thing. Obviously weird shit is-"</p><p>"Yeah yeah we got it Clyde." Token waves him off.</p><p>"Weird puppet possession or not, It's over fatass! We're gonna tell everyone your insane plan!" Stan shouts.</p><p>"And then what will you do? We need each other don't you get it? I create the crime and you stomp it out. You need me. Without me you're all nothing. You need me for a successful franchise." Are you fucking kidding me.</p><p>"Oh fuck I get it now" Kyle growls out, throwing his hands up in exasperation.</p><p>"But then Alpha Wolf had to come along and try to stop me for good. I had no choice but to have my own superior versions of him built." That's- that's not possible. There's no fucking way they would be able to do that that quickly.</p><p>"What have you done Eric?" Timmy asks telepathically.</p><p>"WOULD YOU STOP CALLING ME BY THAT PATHETIC SWINES NAME! I AM MITCH CONNOR AND I WILL TAKE OVER YOUR PATHETIC TOWN! THEN I WILL TAKE OVER THE ENTIRE COUNTRY AND THEN THE WORLD! I WILL TAKE YOU DOWN WITH YOUR OWN BEST PLAYER'S DNA!" Right after Mitch Connor, who I'm now seriously starting to believe really is his own being, says this there's a loud growling noise and a bunch of shaking.</p><p>"But his mom said-" before I can even finish my thought, Dovahkiin is coming from behind and bum rushing Cartman.</p><p>He's inches away from clamping down on Cartman's pudgy little arm when suddenly one of the multi-assed plants falls on top of him. And let me tell you, he does not sound happy about it.</p><p>"I'm baaaaaack" Oh dear lord. We all turn to see fucking Kyle's annoying as all hell cousin Kyle- at least I think that's who it is. He's fucking even uglier looking now. For one thing he's absolutely ginormous, and is nearly as tall as this stupid greenhouse, is about as wide as the moon, and is lumpier than a year old potato, and has a shit load of gross looking veins all over him. Overall he's just insanely disfigured and I'd honestly rather be looking at that tentacle mouth monster of an Elder God right now.</p><p>"Look at me, Cousin Kyle, I'm a horrific genetic mutation!"</p><p>"That is not an Alpha Wolf clone." Scott helpfully points out.</p><p>"It's okay, cousin. We'll get you help." Kyle tried to reassure him though he sounds pretty fucking horrified about this whole situation. Don't really blame him, even if he hates him, he is still Kyle's cousin. I would be concerned about the fact that this fucker slammed a bunch of plants into my Dovy but considering there's a shit load of angry barks and growls coming from the pile, I'd say it's probably better if he's stuck right now.</p><p>"Oh but I was able to take down that nasty wolf kid like this! Besides I think this cellular restructuring has affected my brain and I have to attack you now or I'll get a migraine. PREPARE FOR BATTLE WEAKLINGS!"</p><p>Well I'm gonna definitely die here.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0038"><h2>38. Shit Happened and Now Dovahkiin is Confused</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>|•|Kenny's POV|•|</strong><br/>Okay so even though this thing that used to be Kyle's cousin is massive as all hell, he still complains about everything and does fuck all damage wise. Problem is, we also seem to do fuck all damage to him despite all his complaints. Also Jimmy, Clyde, and Scott got absolutely covered in his nose blood. Which is absolutely disgusting and Clyde is making it very clear that even though he's a mosquito, he's not happy about it. Right now Mr.Bulging Flesh has called a time out because of a smudge on his glasses. Might as well take advantage of it.</p><p>"We can't beat this thing!" I shout throwing my hands in the air as I move closer to Kyle and Stan.</p><p>"We have to hold off until day time. His skin can't handle the sun." Kyle responds.</p><p>"How are we gonna last till day time? He might not do that much damage but we're all already tired from chasing after Cartman all day! Not to mention running from or fighting mutant ninth graders!" Stan says, gesturing towards me.</p><p>"I don't know, but we have to try!" Kyle responds.</p><p>"Has anyone else noticed that the pile of plants Dovahkiin was buried under has gone suspiciously silent?" Craig chimes in.</p><p>"Now that you mention it-"</p><p>"Okay time in, I finished cleaning my glasses." We all turn back to face him just as he starts to sink into the ground a bit. "Woah hey it's hard to keep my balance with all these folds stop it!"</p><p>"Gah! What the h-hell is happening? Is there a sink hole?" Tweek screams out. Just as the abomination's left leg sinks down into the floor, something fuzzy and gray slips up from the hole and darts away from the flailing giant.</p><p>"Holy fucking shit dude!" Stan shouts as Dovy begins running circles around the mutant as he desperately tries to stand back up.</p><p>"Did Dova fucking burrow under the floor and make a pitfall trap?" Kyle questions.</p><p>"RARF!" Is Dova's response before he's using all that momentum to run and jump at the mutant again, landing halfway up his torso and beginning the climb to his face.</p><p>"Fuck yeah dude! Go Dovahkiin!" Clyde shouts out, egging him on as he climbs up the whining abomination's folds.</p><p>"Hey didn't I crush you already? Ow! Stop it my skin is sensitive and I have- AGH!" Dovahkiin just bit his nose.</p><p>"Well let's not just sit here! Let's help him!" Scott says, moving to attack only to narrowly dodged getting whacked by one of Kyle's flailing limbs. "Oooor maybe we should just leave this up to Alpha Wolf for now." Dovahkiin's is currently clawing and biting wherever he can, shaking his head and seemingly ripping off small chunks of flesh here and there, but not much surprisingly.</p><p>"Ow! I might have a lot of it but I still need my skin you heathen!" Kyle 1 says finally grabbing a hold of Dova and tearing him off of his face.</p><p>"WWOOOF"</p><p>And Dova just super barked in his face and it's now day time? Well it certainly got him to let go of him, and caused the living hunk of flesh to stumble back slightly, catching himself with his arm.</p><p>"Uh since when could he Bark through time?" Token asks.</p><p>"No idea but we might as well use this to our advantage! Start whaling on him while he's stuck and distracted!" I shout out.</p><p>"Hey if it's day time does that mean that-"</p><p>"Where the fuck am I? More importantly why am I AAAAAH WHAT THE SHIT!" Butters gets cut off by Dova changing back and panic jumping off mutant cousin Kyle.</p><p>"Right shit. Dov we'll explain as best we can later but right now we've gotta take him down while he's applying sunscreen!" I shout out, before dashing forward to start hitting him.</p><p>"Yeah okay sure, standard procedure I guess." Dov responds, following my lead to attack along with everyone else.</p><p>Eventually he gets all the sunscreen on and starts attacking again. "How much fucking health does this thing have?" Craig yells, obviously getting frustrated.</p><p>"Dova, try changing time again! If it's night time he'll have to take off the sunblock and be open to attacks again!" Kyle orders.</p><p>"I don't know how to! I just farted into a fan last time!"</p><p>"You literally just barked and changed it to day time a few minutes ago!"  Clyde points out, dodging more eye lasers.</p><p>"Hey guys I'm starting to feel a little lightheaded from the nose bleeds, scratches, and wolf bites."</p><p>"I what?"</p><p>"Can't you at least try to do it? You never know maybe it'll work!" Butters asks, barely rolling out of the way of the freak face planting again.</p><p>"Yeah okay su- okay ew that's really fucking gross." Dova jumps away from the gushing nose bleed. "Does anyone else hear a cracking noise?"</p><p>"Well now that you mention it, yeah I do." Stan nods. "And uh it's getting louder."</p><p>"A-are those c-cr-cracks forming in the f-floor?" Tweek asks, backing away from the massive living glob.</p><p>"Hey can we pick this up later? I think I'm about to faint from all the bloodloss"</p><p>"I think the floor is caving in." Craig responds.</p><p>"Yeaaaaah it definitely is. EVERYONE FUCKING MOVE AND LETS GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" Dovahkiin yells, all of us making a run for the exit. Just as I'm through the doorway, I turn to see the abomination that was once Kyle's cousin crashing down through the ground screaming.</p><p>"Kyle, I'm sad to say this but, I don't think you have a cousin anymore." I say as we head outside.</p><p>"That's kind of the least of my worries right now." Kyle replies.</p><p>"That's the least of all our worries! As tired and shaky as we all are we still need to stop Cartman or Mitch Connor or whoever it is that's hatched this diabolic plan! The voting for mayor has already started!" Wendy says, rapidly going through her phones.</p><p>"What? But everyone should still be asleep! Maybe waking up!" Token points out.</p><p>"We might feel the time shift because we're right next to Dov but the rest of the world still seems to carry on like normal." Wendy responds.</p><p>"Don't we still need to help Dov's parents too? Gah! What if they were crushed by-"</p><p>"Tweek." Craig cuts him off, gesturing over to Dova, whose current on his knees in the snow, staring at nothing. Shit.</p><p>
  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>I'm a fucking monster. How could I do that to my dad, leave both him and mom and then forget about it? Plus if Wendy is right then they're both probably already dead from blood loss. Because I skipped through time and made them die even faster. And I got them in this situation didn't I? Mitch fucker or Cartman or whoever targeted them because of me. All because I wanted to play superhero. A game. This was meant to be a game. A game that escalated way too quickly and that I ruined.</p><p>"Dovy?" Kenny asks quietly, placing his hand on my shoulder.</p><p>"I'm sorry. I did this."</p><p>"What? How the fuck is any of this-"</p><p>"It's always me. They always target me. No matter who it is or what we do, I'm always the catalyst."</p><p>"Dovahkiin weird crazy shit was happening in this town long before you moved here. Hell before any of us were even born." Kenny points out.</p><p>"But-"</p><p>"D. Seriously. None of this was you. Do you remember that time Weird Giant Guinea pigs nearly destroyed the earth? Do you know who was in the middle of it? Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Me. And no matter how hard I tried to get away from the weirdness I couldn't. I ended up being the one to fucking end the entire thing and I didn't even do anything but be there! Sometimes we just can't help the bullshit that happens." Craig rants off. Or lectures? Kinda both I guess.</p><p>"I..... I didn't understand half of whatever the fuck you just said but I think I got the message. Thank you Craig." I say giving him a small, sad, but hopefully grateful smile.</p><p>"Okay now that we've finally at least somewhat gotten Dova to understand that no, everything is not his fault, let's get going and stop fuck face once and two!" Stan says, throwing a fist in the air.</p><p>"Hell yeah!" Kyle cries out mimicking him.</p><p>"About that. I uh I'm not on my knees cause I'm sad. I was going to just stand and stare at nothing but the moment I stopped walking my knees buckled and I just kinda accepted my fate."</p><p>"Your legs aren't working?" Stan asks.</p><p>"W-welcome to m-my world pu-pussy."</p><p>"Jesus fucking Christ Jimmy."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0039"><h2>39. Wait, What Are We Doing?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong><br/>I am currently being carried princess style by both Craig and Stan, because and I quote "your ass too beefy." Well it's not exactly princess style but Craig has his arms wrapped around my upper torso while Stan's got his around my waist and legs.</p><p>We are currently rushing towards city hall I think? Also I apparently some how barked us into next week? In one go? I don't really know honestly, I'm kinda blacking out here and there and thinking is getting harder and harder. I know we're stopping Cartman possessed by his own hand puppet from becoming mayor. Or something? I think? Judging by the fact that some red necks in a truck just passed by shouting "We won! Mitch Connor is mayor yeah!" I think we're already too late.</p><p>"Earth to Mutt Butt, have you even heard anything we've been saying?" Craig asks shifting his hold so that my heads not just hanging upside down off his arm. I feel Stan shift his hold on my legs as well to compensate. </p><p>"You were talking?" I ask. "You know I've never been drunk or high before but I think this is what it feels like."</p><p>"Yeaaaaaah I think he's got a concussion or something." Stan comments.</p><p>"Oh did I say that shit out loud? Woops."</p><p>"Why are we bringing Dovahkiin along again? I'm pretty sure if anything we should be bringing him to a hospital." Butters says looking at me in concern.</p><p>"Yeah he's not exactly gonna be much help to us in this state..." Clyde comments, poking my cheek. I respond by turning and trying to bite his finger which I probably shouldn't have done because now everything is spinning.</p><p>"Well we couldn't just leave him at that place! We'll get him to a hospital after we've dealt with McPudge hand." Kyle responds.</p><p>"Too late me thinks."</p><p>"Okay maybe we should be taking him to a hospital now..."</p><p>"No. Bite hand man."</p><p>"Dova are you just being stupid or have you actually lost the ability to communicate properly?" Kenny asks.</p><p>"Bit of both. Talkin' stupid easier." I respond moving my head back over Craig's arm to look at Kenny.</p><p>"Would you stop doing that? I'm pretty sure having your head hanging isn't helping anything." Craig says shifting me again. I feel both him and Stan pause to lift me up higher and regain their grip on me.</p><p>"It's fiiiine. I didn't even hit my head or anything. I don't think I did at least." Did I hit my head on anything? I guess I might've headbutted a few things.</p><p>"If my memory serves correctly, you got a shit ton of plants slammed on top of you." Token points out.</p><p>"So?" I hear Kenny sigh and try to fling my head back to look at him again, but I feel someone put their hand on the back of my head to prevent it. Judging by the slight twitching, it's Tweek.</p><p>"Dovy, I'm pretty sure getting plants slammed into you would've resulted in your head getting hit. Not to mention you did take a fair amount of punches to the head, and a lot more hits everywhere else too. Aside from that there's also the overexertion, sc....mutant ca...., tram..... ram....he..d...me..al...do.." wooooaaaaah that's a lot of ringing. What's Ken doll saying? Meh I'm sure he'll tell me later if it's important.</p><p>I'm sleepy.</p><p>
  <strong>$~Stan's POV~$</strong>
</p><p>"Umm Kenny." I call out to try to get him to stop ranting his very dazed looking boyfriend into unconsciousness.</p><p>".... I'm pretty sure you head butted your way through a metal door or two, you-"</p><p>"Guys, we have a problem." I announce louder, cutting him off as I stare at Dovahkiin as he closes his eyes and lets his head lull forwards and to the side. Me and Craig make panicked eye contact and instantly try shaking him awake, but all that happens is his head flopping around and landing on Craig's shoulder.</p><p>"Yeah no shit! The whole Mayor's office is blocked like a fortress!" Clyde points out.</p><p>"Th-That's not the GAH problem! Dovahkiin just p-passed out!" Tweek shouts. Well that's also a problem but I feel like this is a bigger one.</p><p>"W-well he's kinda been doing that since we left the l-lab." Jimmy points out. "Just sh-shake him awake again."</p><p>"That's the problem! We can't! He's just turned into a complete rag doll!" I say, panic creeping into my voice as Craig shakes him a bit for emphasis.</p><p>"Guys this is really bad this time. Butters is right we should-" Craig gets cut off by a shout from the Mayor's office.</p><p>"FUUUCK YOU GUYS! I'm gonna pass so many laws and fuck you guys so hard right now!" We all turn to look up at the damn hand puppet in the window.</p><p>"This is bad. This is really fucking bad!" Kenny says, fisting his hands through his hair, causing his hood to come off. He then proceeds to start pacing back and forth in front of all of us as he continues. "Dova is really fucking hurt and exhausted, all of us are exhausted, Cartman has been possessed by a hand puppet or some shit, said hand puppet has become mayor some how and is planning on destroying every thing, and there isn't anything we can-"</p><p>"Dovahkiin." We all jump at the sudden voice behind us.</p><p>"GAH!"</p><p>"Morgan Freeman's back."  Kyle points out, pointing at the floating box with Morgan Freeman.</p><p>"Yes yes hello. Are any of you able to wake him up?" Morgan Freeman asks, pointing to the unconscious body in my and Craig's arms.</p><p>"No." The two of us reply instantaneously.</p><p>"I don't suppose it was a spell that knocked him out was it?"</p><p>"Um no just a shit load of injuries. Why?" Token replies. We're all just kinda staring at Freeman in a sort of daze. How does he do this shit? Hell, how does he know so much shit?</p><p>"Well damn. True loves kiss can't fix that. Alright looks like I'll have to help you all fix the anomaly myself then."</p><p>"What?" We all ask at the same time.</p><p>"Just come to the taco shop." He replies before vanishing.</p><p>"That.... That's weird even for you guys right?" Wendy asks, turning to all of us to clarify.</p><p>"Oh this is really fucking weird. But like not in the same way that summoning Cthulhu or giant guinea pig apocalypse was weird. Just like.... weird weird." Kyle explains.</p><p>We then all kinda just stand there for a moment staring at where Morgan Freeman had been before Token breaks the silence. "So to the taco shop?"</p><p>"Yeah sure."</p><p>"Mm hmm."</p><p>"Might as well."</p><p>"Yup."</p><p>"I-I guess."</p><p>"Here we go a-ag-again"</p><p>"Let's do this!"</p><p>"Tim Timmy!"</p><p>"To the taco shop!"</p><p>Me, Kyle, Craig, Clyde, Tweek, Jimmy, Butters, Timmy, Scott, and Wendy all say in agreeance. Kenny merely looks at Dovahkiin before nodding. Now we're all heading towards the taco shop.</p><p>"He'll be okay Ken. He's always okay." Kyle says quietly, putting a comforting hand on his arm.</p><p>"Is he though? Is he ever really ever 'Okay?' Besides, even if he usually is, what if this is the time he isn't?"</p><p>"Morgan Freeman said something about an anomaly right? I'm assuming he probably meant a time anomaly, so if we fix that we'll probably be able to fix everything else, and by proxy, help Dova right?" Wendy points out.</p><p>"And how in the hell are we supposed to do that?"</p><p>"Umm... well...."</p><p>"That's what I thought." Ken says glaring at the ground grumpily. He seems to unconsciously gravitate towards Dov, grabbing one of his hands and mindlessly playing with his fingers while a whirlwind of emotions goes over his face.</p><p>I hear Kyle let out a sigh as he looks to our two friends with worry and frustration in his eyes. He falls into step at my side murmuring, "Why's it always them? Hell why's it always us?"</p><p>"I don't know but I wish it wasn't." I murmur back, looking at the two boys in front of us. Our supernatural friends, one that is plagued to constantly die without actually dying while the other loses his mind and humanity every full moon. The rest of the walk is mostly silent, a few of us quietly wondering what Morgan Freeman is gonna tell us and how we'll fix this.</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p><strong>|•|Kenny's POV|•|</strong><br/>We reach the Taco shop and Morgan Freeman starts talking about how dangerous playing with time can be, which makes me wonder why he taught Dovy how to in the first place. He's also saying something about a seven layer Quesarrito Chipotle something or other creating a wormhole? I dunno, I'm not really paying attention, I'm more worried about my boyfriend than any of this shit at this point.</p><p>"With this, Dovahkiin will be able to fart back in time to before Mitch Connor gained power. But first we need to get him to wake up. Set him in that chair over there." He points over to the table and chair by the cactus. I reluctantly let go of my boyfriends hand so that Stan and Craig can sit him in the chair and lower his head onto the table.</p><p>We then look to see Morgan Freeman pouring a bunch of shit in a cup, turning back around as he swishes it around in the cup. He then looks at Dov, hums, grabs a towel and walks over to the table. He sets the cup down, removes Dov's glasses slightly, places the towel over his eyes and returns the glasses the best he can with the towel in the way.</p><p>"Um Mr.Morgan Freeman, sir, what is that?" Butters asks.</p><p>"Hydrogen peroxide, neosporin, and sprite." He responds before splashing it on Dovahkiin's face.</p><p>"Um, how the hell was that supposed to help?" I ask kinda angrily. Like seriously what was that supposed to do?</p><p>"Like that." Morgan Freeman says gesturing to Dova, as he slowly groans as he sits up. He hisses in pain as his glasses and towel fall from his face. "Honestly I'm surprised that actually worked. I didn't think it would."</p><p>"Why does my face sting like hell and why is it sticky?" He groans out as he turns to look at us while holding his head. "And where the fuck am I? And where are my glasses? Better yet, can someone just tell me what's going on?" I simply respond by latching onto him and burying my head in his neck as the tears start to flow again.</p><p>"Well this hasn't answered my question but I'm okay with that." He says returning my hug.</p><p>"Your questions and cute couple stuff will have to wait. Dovahkiin, wipe your face off, put your glasses on and eat this. You need to travel back in time to stop Mitch Connor." Morgan Freeman interrupts.</p><p>"Wait all of that shit was real?"</p><p>"Yes. Very."</p><p>"Well shit."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0040"><h2>40. Merry Chrysler</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong>
</p><p>Okay so I still feel like complete shit and everything still really fucking hurts but I can actually kinda think now and like move. Oh and the world isn't spinning so that's a plus. Question is, what the fuck did Morgan Freeman do to me to help me? And now he's telling me to eat some disgusting looking Mexican food hybrid(again) so I can fuck around with time (again). He's also saying something about needing to believe in myself in order for it to work.</p><p>"I mean this won't be the weirdest shit I've seen or done so sure why not?" I say as I devour the hybrid Tex Mex abomination. It's surprisingly not completely disgusting. It's not anywhere close to being good but it's not terrible.</p><p>"Okay so now I- urp" I cover my mouth as the shit tries to come right back up. Or maybe it's just a burp, no idea.</p><p>"Dovahkiin, whatever you do, do not burp. Burping will send you for-"</p><p>Time burps, oddly enough, are even stranger and more jarring than time farts. Also fuck. I did the clique of accidentally doing the thing I'm not supposed to do without knowing why it's bad yet.</p><p>I push myself off the ground-dunno how I got there- and look around and realize I'm all alone in the dark. "Um, guys?" Dunno why I even bothered asking that when all I can hear is a strange ringing sound. Did I just destroy the universe by burping? Please tell me I didn't destroy the universe by burping. Fuck I totally just destroyed the entire universe except for myself and- is that a cactus? Wait.... I'm still in the taco shop. The lights are just all off and I'm.... still alone. What the fuck? Ah hello hearing, welcome back. Did I just hear someone say Merry Christmas? It's literally March. Unless.... did I super jump through time? Fuck.</p><p>I scramble to get outside and I'm met by Stan, Craig, Kyle, and Kenny standing there confused. It's snowing and there are Christmas decorations every where. Tons of shit is destroyed, all the adults are drunk as shit and.... and something is just odd about everyone else. It's almost like... shit he really did genetically modify everyone. But also made it Christmas everyday as well? What the fucks the point of that?</p><p>"What.... the fuck- agh.... happened?" I gasp out. Okay maybe that time burp took even more out of me than I realize because now Stan and Craig are holding me upright again. "Where are...."</p><p>"We don't know. I think only us five were transported. I think you accidentally burped us forward instead of farting us back." Kenny explains. Who the fuck decided that's how this would work? Shouldn't it be fart forward and burp back?</p><p>"Dovahkiin you're gonna need to fart us back in time, like even further now." Kyle says turning to look at me. "Think you can do that?"</p><p>"Only *huff* one way to.... find out." I reply, pushing off of Stan's and Craig's shoulders to try and stand properly only to fall backwards. Oh boy looks like I'm fainting again. How many times is this now? Like seriously what the fuck kind of trope is this?</p><p>"Okay nope no nope. You're not going down again. We can afford to spend a few minutes in this fucked up future to let you rest a bit before going back. So let's just like, chill for a bit alright?" Craig says as he and Stan pull me forwards again.</p><p>"Mmhmm sounds good to me." I say letting my eyes fall closed only for Stan and Craig to start shaking me.</p><p>"Nope! Nuh Uh no way dude! You are not passing out on us again. Come on man just keep your eyes open." Stan instructs.</p><p>"But you said I could rest!" I slur out as I turn to glare at him. Or am I just pouting? I dunno but I'm not happy.</p><p>"You can rest Dov, you just can't sleep okay? I dunno how whatever it is Morgan Freeman did worked in the first place but it clearly didn't fix everything. Hell I'm starting to think it fixed nothing, which honestly makes more sense than-"</p><p>"Kyle." Kenny cuts him off from ranting further.</p><p>"Right sorry. Let's just get him to a hospital to try and get him fixed up a bit. If he's feeling better then he's more likely gonna be able to concentrate and help us fix everything." Kyle says walking past me and the two holding me up.</p><p>"Jus' cause I feelin' shitty, doesn't mean I can't 'ear you. Mmm' still 'ere"</p><p>"That's debatable." Craig says looking at me.</p><p>"Da fuck does that-"</p><p>"Oh, hey boys! Merry Christmas, Mkay. I'm so fucked up! I feel like it's been Christmas for a year. What'd they put in these drinks?" Mr. MmKay greets as he comes out of nowhere.</p><p>"Probably Cat Pisscuses" I reply.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>&lt;-&lt;- Kyle's POV-&gt;-&gt;</strong>
</p><p>"Oh wow looks like I'm not the only one fucked. Hey wait you shouldn't be drinking yet."</p><p>"He's not drunk Mr. Mackey, just... concussed probably. But you shouldn't be drinking either, there's cheese in the alcohol. You have to stop!" I reply to our drunk as shit councilor.</p><p>"Oh but it's the holidays boys, mkay, there's nothing wrong with a little drinking on the hol-" and his head just exploded. I cover my mouth in horror and disgust.</p><p>"Hurp-" evidently I'm not the only one who feels sick at the sight of our headless councilor.</p><p>"No no no Dova do not throw up on us! I might be used to having puke on me, but I still don't like it! Plus we might be stuck if you do!" Stan shouts at the very green looking Dovahkiin. The wolf boy merely whimpers in response as he continues to gag.</p><p>"I don't care how disgusting it is, swallow that shit! If you barf up the seven layer whatever then we might not be able to get back!" Craig shouts too, as he covers Dov's eyes so he doesn't have to look at it.</p><p>"Ah shit not these things again." I hear Kenny curse behind me. While we were focused on Dova everyone else started screaming and running away from.... fuck.</p><p>"Now don't be scared y'all, We're simply here to celebrate the coming of our Lord and Savior!" Mother fucking Squirrely the god damn Squirrel and the rest of his fucked up crew of Woodland Critters. Beary wishes everyone a merry Christmas and then lasers someone else's head off as they're running.</p><p>Rabbity then points at Dovahkiin and says in that false cheery voice that they all have "Hey look! It's the vigilante the mayor told us about!"</p><p>Beavery then adds "If we murder him, we get a prize!" All of them then start cheering.</p><p>"Stan, Craig, and Kyle, get Dova the fuck out of here. I'll hold them off." Kenny orders as he pulls out his pocket knife.</p><p>I make eye contact with Stan and we exchange a small smile and nod. Him and Craig turn to begin hauling Dov away while I step forward to face off the satanic critter cult with Kenny. "If you think I'm leaving you to face these little shits alone, then you've lost your damn mind."</p><p>"I'm not gonna be able to convince you otherwise am I?"</p><p>"Nope." I reply. Just as we're about to engage, something comes crashing down from above.</p><p>"All right! Who the fuck called Santa down from the sky!? You killed my reindeer!" And it's slightly burnt, torn clothing, pissed off, bat wielding Santa Claus.</p><p>"Hey look, it's Santy Claus!" Beary says happily.</p><p>"Santy Claus? Well now maybe we can eat his flesh! Hail Satan!" Squirrely suggests. What is wrong with these things?</p><p>"Oh, you little fuck critters again huh? Santa's gonna kick the shit out of you!" You know things get pretty weird in South Park but this long ass series of events? This is just bat shit crazy.</p><p>First we find out Cartman in being possessed by his own hand puppet, then we find out that said hand puppet was paying Dr.Methfists to genetically modify freshmen and cats, Dova was pushed to ripped off his dad's leg, my cousin was turned into a gigantic mutant monstrosity, Dovahkiin can bark, fart, and burp through time, and now Santa is about to fight a satanic cult made of adorable but deadly woodland creatures. Not to mention all the crazy shit before all of that! How the hell is this our lives?</p><p>"Well shucks, we weren't expecting Santa to show up! Whatever will we do? We're in a bit of a bind Rabbity!"</p><p>"Don't be sad Beary. Shucks, I can just sacrifice myself!" And he does just that. Santa responds by batting Deery, Foxy, and Beavery into a car.</p><p>"Guess we're fighting alongside Santa now." Kenny comments as he drop kicks Squirrely, flinging him a significant ways down the street.</p><p>"Seems like it." I nod, kicking Raccoony away from me.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0041"><h2>41. Time Skippidy Do Da Skippity Ay</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>|•|Kenny's POV|•|</strong>
</p><p>Finally after what felt like hours of beating up the crazy creatures, we defeat them. Craig and Stan then come out of hiding with a sloppily bandaged Dovahkiin in tow. He looks ever so slightly better but not by much.</p><p>"We realized there was no way we'd be able to make it to the hospital on foot on a normal Christmas in South Park." Craig responds to my and Kyle's silent question.</p><p>I give them a nod before turning back to good ol' Saint Nick. "Thank you for the help Santa, we never would've been able to beat them without you."</p><p>"You're welcome kids. Now, what the fuck is this all about?"</p><p>"We're sorry! We're trying to go back in time to fix all this but, well Dova is the only one who can and he's really hurt and tired so we can't get back yet." Kyle explains.</p><p>"Oh I see. Hmm well I'm not really supposed to do this, but if it means fixing this shit fest then... I suppose I can use a bit of my magic to heal him and the rest of you enough to fix this." Santa replies.</p><p>He then pulls out what looks like a mixture of cookie crumbs, crushed candy canes, and some tinsel out of his pocket. He then proceeds to blow the dust in Dova's face, causing him, Stan, and Craig to cough at the dust. He then turns and does the same to me and Kyle. The both of us start hacking and coughing as well, and Jesus inhaling shit you're not meant to inhale is not fun.</p><p>"What the fuck is with people putting shit in my face today? And how the fuck does it keep working?" I hear Dova ask between coughs. He actually looks completely fine now. Come to think of it, I feel completely fine now too. Well this is some bullshit plot convenience if I've ever seen it, but hey I'll take it.</p><p>"It's called Christmas magic kid. Now hurry up and fix this shit so I don't have to keep working overtime!"</p><p>"Right! Thanks again Santa! Dova, fart us back in time!" Kyle orders.</p><p>"Um yeah right okay!" We all huddle around him as he squeezes his eye shut and- <strong>Toot</strong></p><p> </p><p><strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong><br/>We all tumble down in a pile the moment we travel through time. At least I assume we did since the smell of blood is gone and it's no longer snowing. Plus there's the fact that my past self is dropping his phone and staring at us in shock. Wait. Shit.</p><p>"Too far too far too far!" I shout out as I start to push myself up, this causes basically everyone else to fall off of me.</p><p>"Dude what the fuck! How'd you even send us back this far!?" Stan shrieks at me hitting me in the back of the head.</p><p>"Ow! I didn't fucking mean to!"</p><p>"I-what-how the-when-" My past self seems to be malfunctioning. Actually looking closely he seems a little bit younger... wait....</p><p>"Oh shit I remember this happening! I was supposed to fuck up! Er- I mean, you didn't see shit got it? I give you permission to repress this shit. Hell I encourage you to repress this shit! That's what I did."</p><p>"I- yeah okay I'm just gonna-" he/me picks up his phone and then books it down the street, muttering "what the fuck" over and over again as he goes. At least that what I did when it happened to me. I think.</p><p>"Wait- last year, when you said you cracked your screen because you got scared and dropped it..." Kenny silently asks, pointing in the direction that past me ran.</p><p>"Yup."</p><p>"And you never thought about mentioning it? To any of us?" Stan asks me.</p><p>"Well no cause I forgot about it."</p><p>"How the fuck do you forget about something like this?" Craig asks.</p><p>"It's called repression and fear of fucking up time and space because I ran into my future self. I would be freaking out right now about accidentally running into my past self but since that shit happened to me too, I don't care."</p><p>"Wait then isn't us going back pointless? Cause if you ran into yourself from the future while he was trying to fix shit, then that means that it should've already been fixed right? But-"</p><p>"Kyle I'm cutting you off there because you're already stressing me out and giving me a headache. Let's just go forward in time but like to the right time this time. To before Cartman became Mayor! Or Mitch Connor or whoever the fuck!" I say with false confidence.</p><p>"Wait, what if we just stopped Cartman from starting up the superhero game again? That way none of this would've happened at all!" Stan suggests.</p><p>"Because we don't know when Cartman or Mitch Connor or whoever set this shit in motion. We could stop us from playing the game, but that just means that all the work we did would've been for nothing. All the corruption and drugs and shit would've just continued to happen with no one there to stop it." Kenny explains.</p><p>"Ah yeah I guess you're right Alright back to the original plan then." Stan says, as we all huddle up again. Okay so right before the voting for mayor thing happened should be a good time right? Right? Let's just say yes, because that's what I'm aiming for. I fart again and we wind up outside of Tom'a Rhinoplasty and OWWWW MY ASSHOLE REALLY FUCKING HURTS WHAT THE SHIT!?</p><p>"Ow ow ow fuck fuck fuck ow." I complain as I back up and let myself hit the wall of the nose job place. I slide down said wall and wince as my ass hits the ground. Wait how did this even work? I thought burps sent me forward? God damn plot holes!</p><p>"What? What's wrong? Are you okay?" Good job Dovahkiin you've made your boyfriend panic worry again because.... well I don't know what happened really.</p><p>"I- Can you tear your ass by farting too hard? Because it feels like I've torn my butt hole by farting too hard or some shit and let me tell you, it's not nice."</p><p>"Guess it's a good thing that you're the bottom Kenny. If he's bitching about this imagine-"</p><p>"Craig." Kenny and Kyle turn and glare at him. I just settle for flipping him off while Stan simultaneously looks disgusted but also like he's trying not to laugh.</p><p>"Do you think you can power through it? Cause I think the voting is about to start." Kyle asks, pointing down the street.</p><p>As if on cue, the sound of Randy Marsh drunkenly saying "Alright let's get this thing started" can be heard from down the street.</p><p>"Looks like I'll have to." I say as I take Ken's offered hand to help me stand up. Ow ow ow ow ow. Who would've though that a Fractured Butt hole would hurt so much?</p><p>
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    <em>THE END</em>
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</p><p>NO! NO ITS FUCKING NOT! Just cause I said the title of the fucking-</p><p>Wait. What am I talking about? Right, my ass, it ouchy. Why the hell is Randy the one giving the speech before voting? Actually wait, why the fuck is anyone giving a speech before the voting? Wait, did he just say Mitch Connor is about to be sworn in?</p><p>"Shit! This isn't voting day this is inauguration day! We've gotta hurry up and stop it!" Kyle seems to have also realized our problem.</p><p>"Stan help me drag Dov's crippled ass again, we don't have time to let him waddle over there." Craig says, grabbing me under the arm, Stan soon following his lead. And suddenly I'm literally being dragged behind them and down the street with the sounds of K2 running ahead of us. Just as we're about to make it to the park where this shits being held we hear angry grunts and a struggle happening besides us. The others stop and turn to face the foliage. Just as I'm about to stand up and investigate, Cartman comes rolling out of the bushes, into the road, fighting with his arm before finally pinning it to the ground.</p><p>"ENOUGH! I MAY BE AN ASSHOLE BUT I DON'T WANT MY FUCKING FRIENDS DEAD! I DON'T WANT ANYONE DEAD! I DIDN'T WANT ANY OF THIS! I JUST WANTED TO FEEL IMPORTANT DAMMIT!"</p><p>And I Oop-</p><p>Never thought I'd see Cartman crying. Well no I've seen him crying before but that was from being hit. Okay well there was also the time where we tricked him into eating wings with that Carolina reaper sauce on it but I don't count that. I say tricked but really we just set some wings in front of him and said "go at it."</p><p>"Yes you do. You made me Coon! All of these desires are really your own. You started this! You wanted this!"</p><p>"SHUT UP! SHUT! UP!" Mitch Connor is now just laughing and some how pushing Cartman back so that he's the one on the ground. This is really fucking weird.</p><p>"OI ERIC!" I shout moving forward.</p><p>"WHAT? HOW!?" Mitch Connor shouts, whirling around to face me, giving up on his struggle with Cartman.</p><p>My fat fuck of a friend shifts his head to look at me with a mixture of shock, confusion, panic, and I think I even see a bit of relief in his eyes. "Dovahkiin! I'm sorry I didn't-"</p><p>"Yeah I kinda figured that out. Anyways you think that fuck will disappear if I break your hand?"</p><p>Another wave of emotions flashes across Cartman's face before it settles on determination. He grabs hold of his wrist and slams it palm up onto the road. Well as palm up as he can with Connor possessing it. "Do it."</p><p>"WHAT!? NO! YOU CANT! DON'T YOU-" I interrupt the possessed hand puppet by stomping onto Cartman's hand as hard as I could, twisting my foot into it and stomping down one more time for good measure. Both him and Connor shout in pain, Connor's cries slowly fading out. I slowly remove my foot and stare at Cartman's mangled hand. I may have gone overkill, considering the crack in the road.</p><p>"D-did it work?" Cartman asks as he shakily lifts his head up, before sitting up himself and cradling his broken hand to his chest.</p><p>"I think so? I mean wouldn't you be the one who'd know?" I ask.</p><p>"I... I mean I don't feel anything so, well no I feel a lot but I don't think I feel him so I guess he's gone?" Cartman says sounding weak but also hopeful. Just then the sound of laughter can be heard behind us. We all turn around to face Kyle, whose currently looking at his arm in both shock and disgust.</p><p>"You shouldn't have warned me of your plan you fool! It gave me enough time to switch hosts!"</p><p>"You've got to be fucking kidding me." Craig says what we're all thinking.</p><p>Kyle then seems to make a decision, turns to Kenny, nods and thrusts his arm at Ken. "Now I can- hey wait a minute- what are you- agh! Hurg, blurg, ble." Ken then proceeds to grab a hold of Ky's wrist, before bringing it down against his leg hard, resulting in what seems to be the actual death of Mitch Connor. Oh an Kyle falling to his knees and letting out what starts as a silent scream but slowly turns into a high pitched Pterodactyl screech.</p><p>"You alright Kyle? That's a dumb question, half your fucking arm is broken" Stan says coming over to Kyle's side.</p><p>"Wow. So uh, I guess that thing that was posted before Election day was actually real? Huh. Well guess it's a good thing that guys not mayor." We all turn to look at Randy and the rest of the crowd. Evidently they moved over to watch all that.</p><p>"So does that mean there really is cat pee in the drugs and Alcohol?" Mr. Stotch asks.</p><p>"Yes! You mean you all saw that but didn't listen?" Wendy asks coming out of no where. Wait how the hell are all the others here now? And when did they get here?</p><p>"Oh." All the adults then proceeds to pour all their drinks on the ground. "Well come on every one let's go get clean drugs and alcohol from the town next over!" Everyone seems to agree with Butters' dad as they all begin walking away.</p><p>"So does anyone want to explain what the fuck just happened?" Token asks.</p><p>"Well a lot of shit, but what happened to all of you?" Craig asks.</p><p>"What happened to us? GAH! What happened to you! O-One minute we were all in the taco shop and-and then it was Christmas hell, then it wasn't-ngh- and then w-we were back in front o-of the lab, and then we get d-down here to f-find Dova breaking Cartman's hand and then Kenny b-breaking Kyle's wrist!" Tweek lists off, waving his arms back and forth and gesturing wildly.</p><p>"You forgot the part where I tore my asshole from time farting too much."</p><p>"GAH WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?"</p><p>"Can-Can we just go to the hospital now? Me and Kyle have broken shit and apparently so does Dovahkiin." Cartman wheezes our from the ground.</p><p>"I think I need a nap." Butters announces randomly.</p><p>"We all do. But seriously can we please go to the hospital?" I request.</p><p>"Will the staff even be there?" Stan asks. "I mean all the adults just left. Maybe we should-"</p><p>"Stan for the love of all that is holy and all that is not, I don't give a fuck about your fear of hospitals right now, stop making excuses and take me there or so help me-"</p><p>"Right right okay sorry! To the hospital." Stan cuts Kyle off by picking him up bridal style, being careful of his broken arm.</p><p>Kyle goes completely silent in response and lights up like a damn Christmas tree. "And Stan has broken Kyle more than I did without even meaning to." Kenny comments as he slides under my arm so that I can lean on him. I let out a relieved and grateful sigh in response. My ass really fucking hurts.</p><p>"Please tell me they got together during whatever time shit or whatever it was you guys were doing." Cartman pleads.</p><p>"Nope." I reply popping the 'P' as Butters helps him up.</p><p>"God damn it."</p>
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<a name="section0042"><h2>42. One Weekend Later</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Just one last chapter to wrap things up in a pretty little bow.<br/>Course There's still the third book but don't worry about that just yet.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>]Dovahkiin's POV[</strong><br/>"I take it the weird time bull shit didn't fix your parents' shitty relationship." Cartman asks while poking at the bags under my eyes with his not broken hand. It's been all of two days since we finally finished with the whole Mitch Connor bull shit. Well more like one and a half considering we beat him early Saturday afternoon and basically spent the rest of the day in the hospital. Okay so maybe it's just been one day.</p><p>Still though, within that time, Cartman has significantly reigned in his assholeyness, but considering how much he had he's still a massive douche. That being said, now he's actually tolerable 35%% of the time, and dare I say even likable 15%. The other 50% not so much, but I think that's mostly cause he doesn't realize what's okay to say and what's not. I hope that's the case at least. Either way, baby steps.</p><p>"Dude!" Kyle says kicking Cartman in the leg.</p><p>"Ow! I'm just showing concern for my friend Kahl!" Baby steps indeed.</p><p>"To answer your rude ass question Eric, it actually has. Problem is that it fixed it too well and now they're back to fucking like rabbits every night. That combined with having a fractured butt hole, trauma from all the shit that's happened and that happened but now hasn't actually happened from the time bullshittery, as well as all the other problems that I already had, makes it a little hard to sleep."</p><p>"Someone's snappy. OW! STOP KICKING ME KAHL!"</p><p>"Well I would punch you but well you know." Kyle says wiggling his arm that's both in a cast and a sling. Turns out that Kenny's knee is really hard because in addition to snapping Kyle's wrist, he also cause a fracture up half the rest of his forearm. So basically majority of his arm elbow down is either cracked or shattered. Okay maybe shattered isn't the right word but-</p><p>"Dovahkiin you seriously need a therapist or something." Token comments, cutting of my inner rant. Probably for the best. Don't need two of those in a row.</p><p>"Oh but if he gets a therapist then that means he'll have to tell them things. And if he tells them things, then all his secrets will be revealed!" Kenny says in a very sarcastic and mocking sounding voice.</p><p>"I can't tell if you're mocking me for always bottling shit up and never saying anything to anyone, or if you're mocking my dad for being and idiotic paranoid asshole." I say squinting my eyes at my boyfriend as we all begin walking to bell at the sound of the warning class. Wait...god I really am tired .</p><p>"Both baby. I was mocking both of you."</p><p>"You know now that I think of it, maybe it's because of your paranoid ass dad not wanting anyone to know anything that you bottle shit up." Kyle suggests, pausing the back and forth between him and Cartman.</p><p>"Well no shit that's why he bottles shit up. I thought we all knew that!" Cartman shoots back. The rest of us just kinda stare at the two of them in like a mixture of shock and realization. "Wait, you guys seriously hadn't figured that out?"</p><p>"No but now I feel kinda stupid for not thinking of it sooner. Why didn't you ever say something before?" Kyle asks.</p><p>"I though it was like common knowledge or some shit I don't know! I just figure it was one of those things we just didn't talk about!" Cartman shoots back, getting a bit defensive. He's now looking away from all of us and has his arms crossed, acting like the fussy angry child that he is.</p><p>"Cartman go into Philosophy or something. Also do you have any more theories to explain my or anyone else's behavior? Preferably legitimate, not insane sounding ones." I ask, as we all subconsciously wave at Token, Clyde, and Butters as they enter their first class.</p><p>"I'm not gonna go into PhilOhSophie! That sounds dumb and hard."</p><p>"You mean like your head?" Kyle asks.</p><p>"WHATS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN GINGER GAY?"</p><p>"Kyle isn't gay fatass."</p><p>"I-you're joking right? Please tell me he's joking." Cartman pleads, looking to me as he points at the poor oblivious idiot that is Stanley Marsh. Me and Kenny merely shake our heads with a sigh.</p><p>"Stanley I believed in you. We all believed in you." Pete says from the doorway to our class. Cartman keeps walking to his own class by himself, mumbling about how we all call him an idiot when Stan is right here.</p><p>"What? What'd I do?"</p><p>"Nothing Hun." Kyle says, patting him on the shoulder with a sad smile on his face. I can practically feel the pain and frustration coming off of him. Kyle then proceeds to head past us and into the classroom.</p><p>"Are you okay Ky?" Stan asks as he follows close behind. Might I add that he's carrying both his and Kyle's backpacks because "Kyle can't possibly carry his with a broken arm!" Even though it's a messenger bag that he usually has hanging off of one shoulder anyways. No he definitely can't carry that on his own!</p><p>"Kyle literally said 'Hun.'" Kenny points out.</p><p>"I know Kenneth." Pete pats his shoulder.</p><p>"He's wearing combat boots with rainbow laces."</p><p>"I know Kenneth."</p><p>"Boots that Stan helped him lace up today."</p><p>"It's okay Kenneth." Pete says patting him on the shoulder and steering him into the classroom.</p><p>"I-I just-" Kenny stutterers, gesturing at nothing but air.</p><p>"It's really not." Tweek says, following after them.</p><p>"My question is which is worse, the fact that he's oblivious to Kyle's feelings, or the fact that he's oblivious to his own feelings?" I ask, turning to Craig.</p><p>"Both." He answers as the tardy bell rings, reminding us that we need to actually enter the classroom before our teacher gets here. "Boy's worse at feelings than I am."</p><p>"Who is?" Stan asks as we sit down, finally turning away from Kyle. We both face palm in response. "What? What am I missing here? Guuuuuyyys."</p><p>"So much Stanley, oh so much." I say with a shake of my head.</p><p>"You guys are making me feel like an idiot."</p><p>"Aw Stan." Kyle says with a sad smile as he places his good hand on his SBF/Soulmate's shoulder. "That's because you are an idiot." This of course causes Stan to whine in betrayal while the rest of us lose our shit.</p><p>"Aw come on dude don't get all pouty." Kyle says pinching his cheeks. Stan swats his hand away and continues to pout anyways, turning around in his seat, and crossing his arms.</p><p>"Can you guys at least give me a general idea of what I'm being stupid about?"</p><p>"As Dovy said Stan, so many things. So many things." Kenny says shaking his head in a similar manner as I had while smirking.</p><p>"That doesn't help me."</p><p>"How about this dude, it has to do with something you're confused about."</p><p>"Okay, even I think that's a horrible hint and I know what the fuck we're talking about." I say turning to Craig.</p><p>"Gah yeah Craig! St-Stan is confused about ah- a lot of things!"</p><p>"I came out here to have a good time and I'm honestly feeling attacked right now."</p><p>"You came to school to have a good time? The fuck is wrong with you?" Pete asks.</p><p>"Alright alright come one guys enough bothering Stan. He can't help that he's oblivious." Kyle scolds us.</p><p>"Hypocrite." Stan mumbles in response.</p><p>"Excuse me? How am I oblivious?" Craig and I snort at that. Kyle of course then turns his glare on us before returning it to our dear Stanley, who's currently getting redder and redder as his eyes grow wider and wider.</p><p>"Ah um no I uh meant cause uh I um-" he's flailing. Flailing and failing.</p><p>"Huh. Maybe he's not as oblivious to his own feelings as we thought." Craig murmurs.</p><p>"Doesn't mean he knows why he's feeling what he is though." I murmur back as we watch our friend flail his arms and stutter to find an excuse.</p><p>"I just uh meant cause you were the one who um I-I mean we-no you- You two shut up!" He screeches whirling on us.</p><p>"We didn't say anything." Craig responds.</p><p>"Yes you did!"</p><p>"Alright, what'd we say?" I ask, mimicking Craig's shit eating smirk.</p><p>"I-you- I don't know but I heard you guys murmuring and I know y'all were talking shit!"</p><p>"Y'all"<br/>"Y'all"<br/>"Y'all"<br/>"Y'all"<br/>"Y'all"</p><p>"Sh-shut up!" Stan yells at Me, Craig, Kenny, Tweek, and Pete for mocking him.</p><p>"Okay okay guys seriously leave him alone. You've teased and embarrassed him enough." Kyle says clearly trying to hold in giggles.</p><p>"He mostly did that himself." Pete points out.</p><p>"Yeah, I dunno Ky, I bet we could get his face redder. You certainly could at least." Kenny comments slyly.</p><p>"I- Wha- K-KENNY!"</p><p>"Oh l-look now they match!" Tweek points out laughing. The rest of us—minus the two blushing brides—laugh as well.</p><p>Just as the two are about to retaliate the teacher bursts into the room, as frazzled and unorganized as usual as he dumps all his papers and stuff on his desk. He then starts his daily ritual of fixing all the papers, mumbling apologies and excuses for being late which then branch off into rants that no one cares about as he boots up the computer so he can take attendance.</p><p>And thus life in South Park has returned to normal. For now. Actually, who am I kidding? Life in South Park is never normal. I don't even think I can really say there is a "normal" for South Park. Just times of decreased weirdness and absurdity.</p><p>So, for as long as it lasts, I'm going to enjoy this pause in weirdness.</p><p>"Dovahkiin Lupo, Kenny McCormick, Stanley Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, and Eric Cartman, please report to the principal's office. I repeat, Dovahkiin Lupo, Kenny McCormick, Stanley Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, and Eric Cartman, please report to my office."</p><p>God fucking dammit.</p>
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